He Went Through My Phone, Should I Be Upset?

[CoilyFields]

But where would it end? It would have been one thing if she'd done something specific or if he'd caught her in a lie, but it sounds like he doesn't trust her on G.P. Making insecure people feel secure is an exhausting, never-ending battle and, when asked, I have most DEFINITELY advised men against it.

I think there is a such thing as reasonable accommodations. It is not unreasonable to reassure your SO by allowing them access to your phone.

If he were doing things like calling the guy, pretending to be her and texting people, flying into jealous rages constantly without reason...then yeah, you're dealing with someone who may have too much baggage. But if you're with someone, why wouldn't you want to make them feel secure with something as simple as allowing them unrestricted access to your phone? Especially in this day and age where cells phones are probably the number one way people discover their SO is cheating.

You're assuming it would be a never-ending battle while I'm assuming a little transparency will go a long way and eliminate the insecurity eventually. And we really don't know what has or hasn't transpired that could be a cause of concern for him.

 

[curlicarib]

A boyfriend of one year should not have keys to your home, IMO. And what's to say he's only looking at her text messages? It's a slippery slope. He's looking through her phone, it's really easy to look at other things besides texts.

And having sex with someone does not mean you want them to have access to the rest of your life. And while my phone not be more precious than my body, the info on my phone may be. To me, at lest.

@curlicarib

A boyfriend of 1 year is well past the time of keeping your phone secret.

I see this as something that far proceeds other privileges that are introduced to a boyfriend at the one year mark, such as him having a spare key to your house, driving your car, general access etc. I mean, if you've been sharing your body with someone for a year...is your phone more precious than that? OP wasn't talking about him trying to figure out her ss#, he was reading text messages.

 

[swtpea]

But where would it end? It would have been one thing if she'd done something specific or if he'd caught her in a lie, but it sounds like he doesn't trust her on G.P. Making insecure people feel secure is an exhausting, never-ending battle and, when asked, I have most DEFINITELY advised men against it.

It is extremely exhausting trying to constantly make him feel secure. At first the issuewas him always looking over my shoulder as i texted. Then it was going through my phone. Where does it end? I know i have nothing to hide and i honestly feel that giving him full access only futher feeds into his issues. That reminds me, he went through my ipad early in the relationship just to see what website i was always on (lhcf). I rarely even post here, and when i do its far from something super secretive. Its just the principle that there are some things i need to keep to myself.

 

[swtpea]

I think there is a such thing as reasonable accommodations. It is not unreasonable to reassure your SO by allowing them access to your phone.

If he were doing things like calling the guy, pretending to be her and texting people, flying into jealous rages constantly without reason...then yeah, you're dealing with someone who may have too much baggage. But if you're with someone, why wouldn't you want to make them feel secure with something as simple as allowing them unrestricted access to your phone? Especially in this day and age where cells phones are probably the number one way people discover their SO is cheating.

You're assuming it would be a never-ending battle while I'm assuming a little transparency will go a long way and eliminate the insecurity eventually. And we really don't know what has or hasn't transpired that could be a cause of concern for him.

Except for the fact that he does contantly fly off in jealous rages...

 

[LivingInPeace]

Jealous rages over nothing are a deal breaker.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I guess I have a different relationship with my phone cuz the most steamy thing anybody would find is my high score on Candy Crush. I still keep it locked though in case I lose it though.

If this was my relationship, he would get the you got one mo time to act crazy speech and I would keep my word to bounce. Ain't nobody got time to be tiptoeing around somebody else's insecurities.

 

[lux10023]

exactly..my dh dont even look in my phone he could but i mean really

and why should she be trying to make a grown man in his mutha ****** 30 yrs old secureeeee....chileeee um nahh boooo....checking my text messages..invading privacy..**** I've know you for 12 got damn month--no!!!!

A boyfriend of one year should not have keys to your home, IMO. And what's to say he's only looking at her text messages? It's a slippery slope. He's looking through her phone, it's really easy to look at other things besides texts.

And having sex with someone does not mean you want them to have access to the rest of your life. And while my phone not be more precious than my body, the info on my phone may be. To me, at lest.

 

[RocStar]

It is extremely exhausting trying to constantly make him feel secure. At first the issuewas him always looking over my shoulder as i texted. Then it was going through my phone. Where does it end? I know i have nothing to hide and i honestly feel that giving him full access only futher feeds into his issues. That reminds me, he went through my ipad early in the relationship just to see what website i was always on (lhcf). I rarely even post here, and when i do its far from something super secretive. Its just the principle that there are some things i need to keep to myself.

If he doesn't trust you, why be in a relationship?

 

[PeaceFlow]

He sounds draining.

 

[Holla4mom]

I don't get what the big deal is.

If you're a couple then who cares if the other person looks through your phone? Unless you have something to hide.

I feel like a lot of these responses are because OP is a woman. If your man locked his phone and went off on you for looking through it we would unanimously determine that he was hiding something. Especially if it involved you seeing his interactions with another woman!

He is obviously interested or insecure about this relationship with your guy friend so rather than locking him out why not give him full access so that he feels comfortable? That's what you do with people you love right? I would want my SO to have full access to my stuff and would rather that he go through it until he feels comfortable/secure enough not to have to.

Some people are insecure because of what they have previously experienced, done, or by what we are portraying. (If he's met the guy he could also be suspect of his intentions rather than yours).

That's a good point. I was thinking instead of him being nosy, you can just show him the phone and let him see for himself that the nature of your conversations are not inappropriate. Perhaps, when he didn't know you that well and didn't care for you yet, he thought he could handle the idea of you talking regularly with another man. Now, he may feel it causes him a lot of insecurity. If you decide he's a keeper for the long haul, you guys will have to find a mutually beneficial and agreeable way to handle that situation. I'm too jealous to have my man talking to a female all the time, so I would have expressed that from the beginning. He really can't act surprised at this point, but his feelings about it may be evolving.

 

[Duchesse]

Girl....cut your losses. I was with someone for way longer than I should have been. He went through my phone and read something he had no business knowing at month 3 (we were not in a relationship). Despite the obvious red flag, I continued dating him.. He was INCREDIBLY insecure which led to a whoooole rack of issues..never again. Your phone is your business and he has no right to invade your privacy.

ETA: I'm not sure if you're dating or in a committed relationship....either way, I don't like snoops and I don't do it myself.

 

[Holla4mom]

That's a good point. I was thinking instead of him being nosy, you can just show him the phone and let him see for himself that the nature of your conversations are not inappropriate. Perhaps, when he didn't know you that well and didn't care for you yet, he thought he could handle the idea of you talking regularly with another man. Now, he may feel it causes him a lot of insecurity. If you decide he's a keeper for the long haul, you guys will have to find a mutually beneficial and agreeable way to handle that situation. I'm too jealous to have my man talking to a female all the time, so I would have expressed that from the beginning. He really can't act surprised at this point, but his feelings about it may be evolving.

I also didn't realize that dating and sleeping with someone for an entire year would be considered not serious enough to share phone messages, or truly personal things? I've been out of the dating pool awhile obviously, but for me that would be extremely serious, lol!

 

[PeaceFlow]

He already looked through her phone and Ipad before, found nothing and he still doesn't feel secure.

He needs to work on his insecurity. I don't think constant phone access is a cure.

 

[onyxdreams]

I don't think anyone is suggesting to cater to his insecurities forever, but obviously Op is conflicted about her next move and might need more time to decide if this is a deal breaker.
Some of you are quick to dismiss the guy. I understand invading her privacy is Major but what if that's the only issue?

 

[sunnieb]

If he doesn't trust you, why be in a relationship?

This is the bottom line.

This snooping mess is just a symptom of the bigger issue at hand - trust. Or lack thereof.

I have free reign and full access to all of my husband's stuff (email, Facebook, LinkedIn, phone, etc ), but I never check it unless I need something. Most times it's a phone number or other contact info for somebody.

That's how we roll. OP has been with her bf for a year so maybe she thought he would change at some point? Who knows? But she started this thread because she felt something wasn't right about his behavior.

 

[RocStar]

This is the bottom line.

This snooping mess is just a symptom of the bigger issue at hand - trust. Or lack thereof.

Correct...the phone snooping or access is not the problem, the lack of trust is the problem.

 

[swtpea]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Ive tried numerous times to show my bf that there is nothing inappropriate or interesting in my phone. Nothing i do pacifies him. I am honestly worn out from alwaya trying to reassure him. This isnt the first incident and wint be the last. I realize that a relationship is nothing without trust so i really have some tough decisions to make.

 

[SuchaLady]

I hate, hate telling people to break up with their men online(like how ridiculous does that sound? I broke up with my bf because someone online told me to) but.......I think enough info has been shared.

He has to go

 

[bklynbornNbred]

One persons not a big deal is the next persons deal breaker. For me, he wouldn't have made it to a year after snooping through the iPad.

He met you with a male friend. If he wasn't the secure in himself type then he should have kept stepping.

This could turn into one of those polarizing threads. Trust your gut and do what feels best for you.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Short answer, yes.

 

[swtpea]

I hate, hate telling people to break up with their men online(like how ridiculous does that sound? I broke up with my bf because someone online told me to) but.......I think enough info has been shared.

He has to go

I'm pretty much past my ridiculous threshold at this point. All advice is appreciated

 

[CoilyFields]

Please don't break up with him.

I only say that because if you hadn't decided it before talking to us, then we shouldn't sway such a major your decision, though all of our advice hopefully gave you good perspective.

How is he with his phone? Do you have all access to his stuff? Would he care if you got on his computer and began checking websites?

 

[NappyNelle]

Girl....cut your losses. I was with someone for way longer than I should have been. He went through my phone and read something he had no business knowing at month 3 (we were not in a relationship). Despite the obvious red flag, I continued dating him.. He was INCREDIBLY insecure which led to a whoooole rack of issues..never again. Your phone is your business and he has no right to invade your privacy.

ETA: I'm not sure if you're dating or in a committed relationship....either way, I don't like snoops and I don't do it myself.

This is my exact story. Leave him.

 

[gabulldawg]

A BF has no right to your phone like that IMO.

 

[KimPossibli]

The only guy to ever do this to me (harmless information),... it turned out I would have been better served checking his phone.

the reason some ppl can't trust is because they know what they would/ are already doing...

 

[guudhair]

@swtpea

Sorry this is so long...

How do you feel about your man?
How do you think your man feels about you?
How often do you talk, text and/or see your male bff?
Is your male bff the main source of your man's insecurities?
Has your man met him?
Does your male bff have a woman? And if so, have you and your man met her?

Answers to those questions would present a better picture as to which person (him or YOU) red flags should be thrown.

I do believe that "sometimes" the person who is snooping is the one doing dirt. However, also I believe a person can behave in suspicious/untrustworthy ways to cause their partner to feel like something isn't right. I don't consider that to mean that person is insecure, just simply he/she may not feel the relationship is secure.

The whole dynamics of you and your male bff relationship should have changed as your relationship with your man got serious. Not saying the friendship should end but daily communication or early morning/late night texts and things of that nature are big No Nos to me. A lot of women run to their friends for comfort, support and to just vent when their man pisses them off. Little things and big things. Even though that's not a good idea, it still happens more often than not. And for a man to think/know his woman is running to another man to share things about his failures, insecurities, or whatever, would be a huge blow to any man (or woman). Creating intimate bonds, sharing secrets, valuing your male bff's feelings over your partners is not a position I would feel comfortable in.

You may need to think about whether or not you really want to be with your man. It doesn't seem like you do. Something else to think about is how you really feel about your male bff and how he feels about you. If I had a male bff, just out of pure respect for my bff, his woman and their relationship, I would fall back unless his woman initiates or is involved with our communication. I can "possibly" understand someone 25 maybe even 28 years old or younger not getting that but 30s and older is much too old to not see the potential drama that could cause.

Finally, to answer your question, I feel both of you are overacting. Honestly, if I were him, I would probably call off the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with a person who blatantly disregards my feeling about their relationship with another person of the opposite sex. That is disrespectful on your part which causes the lack of trust on his.

 

[PureSilver]

G

I don't get what the big deal is.

If you're a couple then who cares if the other person looks through your phone? Unless you have something to hide.

I feel like a lot of these responses are because OP is a woman. If your man locked his phone and went off on you for looking through it we would unanimously determine that he was hiding something. Especially if it involved you seeing his interactions with another woman!

He is obviously interested or insecure about this relationship with your guy friend so rather than locking him out why not give him full access so that he feels comfortable? That's what you do with people you love right? I would want my SO to have full access to my stuff and would rather that he go through it until he feels comfortable/secure enough not to have to.

Some people are insecure because of what they have previously experienced, done, or by what we are portraying. (If he's met the guy he could also be suspect of his intentions rather than yours).

girl you are spot on. You put my exact thoughts here and for that I thank you. Best advice so far.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I don't deal with snoopers. I have DH's password and he has mine but if I ever feel the urge to look through his phone outside of his presence then there is already a problem.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

Be careful who you attract. You attract who you are.

 

[Holla4mom]

I'm not going to tell you what is a deal breaker and what you absolutely should not put up with. I have noticed that it seems like if you really want to be in a relationship with a human being, then at some point you're going to have to put up with something that a whole bunch of women (not in a relationship) will tell you they could never put up with. You'll just have to figure out what you can and can't take and look at the total package when and if you decide to cut ties. We don't know all the good qualities this man brings into your life, or how his love benefits you and vice versa- only you do. We can't determine that based on this vice of insecurity and snooping that he is not worthy of being in your life. Only you can determine that. Praying for you for much wisdom and peace about your decision.