He wants us to live in my mums house for 2 years after we're married

[queenbee8687]

I'm not too sure about this. He says we should stay there as we dont have to pay rent or anything. Noone lives in my mum's house it's currently vacant, she's on a long extented holiday in Ghana. She hasn't asked us to pay rent and has actually requested we stay there until we have enough money to buy a place, but i think it goes without saying...esp since I'll be married and all.

When me and my soon to be hubby were discussing it, he said he'll do whatever i want but he thinks it's a good idea to stay home. I dont like the idea, cos i wanna move out you know and start fresh in my marriage life. Plus there's always a lot of relatives constantly just turning up at my door step, which id rather not have. My brother and his mates also use the house as a chill zone. I know we're not making enough money to buy yet and not enough to rent and save but there must be another way.

Advice would be very much appriciated. Would you stay?

 

[ThickHair]

Move since you have no control who comes in and out of the house. You said your siblings use it as a chill spot, it would be hard to tell them to stop then they will just throw it back in your face. Leave Leave Leave. You can should be able to afford something, anything small for you two the live until you can purchase a home, you have to crawl before you walk.

Hold up if no one lives in the house why are your siblings coming by to chill there? Also where are you living now and why can't you stay there it is not your mother's home? All because something is free doesn't mean it doesn't come with it's own set of issues. What are you going to do when mom comes home? You 2 are going to be use to living by yourselves then MOM is coming back to MOM's house and you will have to follow MOM's rules.

I love my mother to death, I talk to her daily and see her 2, 3 times per week but I can not live with that woman and I moved out at 19 when I told her I wasn't going back to college because she said there are going to be some new rules since I was not furthering my education. Homegirl gave me a curfew. I think she did that to put a fire under my but to get it in gear, I did and I rolled and moved into a studio apartment with my minimum wage job and loved it. All this is to say, you are making adult choices so you have to act like an adult and staying at your mother's house will be a crutch. IMHO

 

[stinastina]

I would stay and save enough money to get my own house. It may not take you long at all. But it would be worse to be somewhere struggling to pay bills and then it may take years to get your own home. Ask your mom if you can change the locks so you can have some privacy.

 

[Keen]

I would stay and save enough money to get my own house. It may not take you long at all. But it would be worse to be somewhere struggling to pay bills and then it may take years to get your own home. Ask your mom if you can change the locks so you can have some privacy.

ITA. I would stay. Since your mom suggested you say there, you should ask her if you can change the locks and not allow anyone to just roll up. Especially since the relatives have their own place and your Mom is not there. It's not like you're living with your Mom.

 

[CandiceC]

ITA. I would stay. Since your mom suggested you say there, you should ask her if you can change the locks and not allow anyone to just roll up. Especially since the relatives have their own place and your Mom is not there. It's not like you're living with your Mom.

I agree. And make her promise to limit the offer to two years (or whatever time frame you agree on) so you stay on course for saving for your own house.

 

[MizzBrown]

Only YOU know how much money you and your hubby actually have and if you want to live check to check just for the sake of being "Married" and "Independent" then do it. And it willl take you just that much longer to buy a house and reach your other goals.

I say, cut off your nose to spite your face, and live in your mums house for that 2 years and SUCK IT UP if you want to reach your goals of buying your own house, etc.

That's the problem with americans anyway, society thinks we should have this and that and be doing this when we get married when yall really dont have a pot to piss in and are 2 paychecks away from living on the street.

Be humble if you really want your dream house and piece of financial mind once you get ur home, by sucking it up to save money.

Otherwise, you'll be starting another thread 6 months from now complaining about you and hubby's financial issuses and wondering how youre gonna buy a house.

Its up to you, you can buy a house comfortably in the next 2 years if you humble yourself or struggle by eating ham sandwhiches for the next 5 years to get yall's own place.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I think the ladies gave good suggestions regarding discussing it with mom, changing locks, etc, but I can't help but wonder why the two of you, in getting married, are not at a place where you can afford to get a place of your own and still save for a home.

I understand that things may be tight, but is the financial situation temporary? Otherwise, you'll really have to learn how to live on less than you make if you intend to purchase a home, whether living with mom or not.

I'm also a little concerned that it was his suggestion to move into YOUR mother's house instead of yours. I don't know enough about the situation to say one way or the other, but that would give me pause. As a man who is soon to be a husband, I would question his ability to provide and his assumption that we can lean on my mom.

Also, regardless of what he, your mom, and anybody else says, PLEASE follow your mind/instinct/heart/intuition/God. That little voice is there for a reason. Do not ignore it.

Good luck!

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

I think the ladies gave good suggestions regarding discussing it with mom, changing locks, etc, but I can't help but wonder why the two of you, in getting married, are not at a place where you can afford to get a place of your own and still save for a home.

I understand that things may be tight, but is the financial situation temporary? Otherwise, you'll really have to learn how to live on less than you make if you intend to purchase a home, whether living with mom or not.

I'm also a little concerned that it was his suggestion to move into YOUR mother's house instead of yours. I don't know enough about the situation to say one way or the other, but that would give me pause. As a man who is soon to be a husband, I would question his ability to provide and his assumption that we can lean on my mom.

Also, regardless of what he, your mom, and anybody else says, PLEASE follow your mind/instinct/heart/intuition/God. That little voice is there for a reason. Do not ignore it.

Good luck!

They're not leaning on her mom. They're house sitting while she is away, as she requested.

I say save money, change the locks, and have your mother discuss with your fam that they cannot be coming over all willly nilly!

 

[PaperClip]

What's the plan if mum's house WASN'T AVAILABLE? Or if mum's house becomes NO LONGER AVAILABLE?

Will there be an official contract/agreement between mum and the couple?

It's a dangerous thing for a couple to be dependent on somebody else for their living arrangement...esp. without clear understanding and agreement.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

What's the plan if mum's house WASN'T AVAILABLE? Or if mum's house becomes NO LONGER AVAILABLE?

Will there be an official contract/agreement between mum and the couple?

It's a dangerous thing for a couple to be dependent on somebody else for their living arrangement...esp. without clear understanding and agreement.

ITA.............

 

[queenbee8687]

Thanks for the responses ladies.

Right now I'm living at home in mums house but he stays with me here a lot cos my dad insists.

Mum has told everyone all my siblings to give the keys to the house to me, if we're gonna be living here.

He is financially stable (he's a pro in his field), it was mum who suggested the idea not him and he wanted to discuss it with me if i want to do that. I have told him i'll think about it but would rather not and he said "Okay i wanna do watever u wanna do i just want us to be happy" But to be honest it really is a more sensible thing to do.

Can't rememeber some of the other questions i'll come back and edit.

What's the plan if mum's house WASN'T AVAILABLE? Or if mum's house becomes NO LONGER AVAILABLE?

Will there be an official contract/agreement between mum and the couple?

It's a dangerous thing for a couple to be dependent on somebody else for their living arrangement...esp. without clear understanding and agreement.

We don't NEED to stay at mums we have enough to rent on our own but we would never be able to save as much as we could if we stay at mums rent free and we wouldn't be able to buy a house for a long time!!

This is a good idea, I will talk to mum about making some sort of agreement/contract(my brother is studying law so this will give him some work!!)

When mum comes she can stay with an aunt but she never comes for more than a month though, she might just want to stay with us.

Otherwise, you'll be starting another thread 6 months from now complaining about you and hubby's financial issuses and wondering how youre gonna buy a house.

Very True Mizz Brown...

 

[drasgrl]

Stay and save up as much as you can. I think that's a good plan. If you continue to pay rent you can't save up as much as you could rent free. You will have your house a lot sooner if you stay.
​

 

[Divine Inspiration]

They're not leaning on her mom. They're house sitting while she is away, as she requested.

I say save money, change the locks, and have your mother discuss with your fam that they cannot be coming over all willly nilly!

I don't mean lean in the sense that she's taking care of them. I mean lean in the sense that they're in HER house and he cannot afford to put a roof over their heads. In reading the OP's last post, I see that he can so that changes things a bit. In her OP she said that "he said" which led me to believe it was his idea instead of her mom's. Living rent free in another person's home is leaning in my book.

I meant lean in this sense:

What's the plan if mum's house WASN'T AVAILABLE? Or if mum's house becomes NO LONGER AVAILABLE?

Will there be an official contract/agreement between mum and the couple?

It's a dangerous thing for a couple to be dependent on somebody else for their living arrangement...esp. without clear understanding and agreement.

I think I'm missing something, but perhaps it's not for me to understand. Anyway, OP, if you decided to stay at your mom's I would very highly recommend that you and FH sit down with a financial planner/counselor who can help you map out your expenses and figure out how much you'll need to save and exactly how long it will take to purchase the home. It's very easy to get comfortable in a living situation like that, and a few "extra purchases" here and there could eat away at the surplus intended for the house purchase.

 

[Bunny77]

I think I'm missing something, but perhaps it's not for me to understand. Anyway, OP, if you decided to stay at your mom's I would very highly recommend that you and FH sit down with a financial planner/counselor who can help you map out your expenses and figure out how much you'll need to save and exactly how long it will take to purchase the home. It's very easy to get comfortable in a living situation like that, and a few "extra purchases" here and there could eat away at the surplus intended for the house purchase.

Right, this is great advice.

There's nothing wrong with living in the mom's house as long as there is a real PLAN to move out after that two year point. Folks get comfortable sometimes and don't save up a darn thing, and before you know it, time passes and people are in the exact same situation that they were in the beginning.

Make sure that you are making sure that money is going into an account every week/two weeks/month/whatever and that you see that money growing, not shrinking. Start looking at homes and seeing how much you'll need for that future downpayment.

Etc., etc.

This could be a great plan for you and hubby's future, or it could be a nightmare. You just have to do it right.

 

[Zawaj]

Everyone else has offered great advice. I would stay in your Mum's home (change the locks if that's what it takes to get your provacy) with a written agreement with your Mum to save money.

Also, CONGRATS!!

 

[tocktick]

whilst the home is available, you two need to come up with a solid plan stating how much of your earnings will be put into savings for that home. i think you should also have a timeline set in stone so you'll know when you're getting out. i think without at least those two things either one of you or both of you, will become complacent in getting your own place.

 

[MizzBrown]

I think the ladies gave good suggestions regarding discussing it with mom, changing locks, etc, but I can't help but wonder why the two of you, in getting married, are not at a place where you can afford to get a place of your own and still save for a home.

quote]

That's the issue with society. We all ASSUME that since a couple is married that they should be at a place to go and buy a $250,000 house with no problems. You don't hit the lottery when you get married!

Ish happens! When your rent is the cost of someones mortgage payment then hell yeah i can see how one cant afford to save for a home. They probably could save but I'd rather save $1500 a month than to get a place of my own with my husband than to only be able to save $300 a month...just for the sake of being married and having our own place?

My sister and bro-in-law stayed in someones rented trailer for over 5 years while they sucked it up and saved money to custom build their dream home. If they had decided to be "independent" and get an apartment, they'd STILL be there til this day! And if you saw that trailer you'd see that they were HUMBLE!

Suck it up and save and don't worry about what society thinks you should be at money-wise just cause yall are married. There are broke, married folks out there who make $100k a year and still cant buy a house.

And how do you question a man's ability to provide? Is a man that can only provide you with a $90k house any lower than a husband that can provide his wife with a $400k house?

My brother-in-law had a decent job and was able to "provide" but it wasnt gonna be the house that they are sittin in right now unless he used common sense and humbled himself and his wife to get something more appealing to THEM....not society.

 

[chellero]

I think the ladies gave good suggestions regarding discussing it with mom, changing locks, etc, but I can't help but wonder why the two of you, in getting married, are not at a place where you can afford to get a place of your own and still save for a home.

quote]

That's the issue with society. We all ASSUME that since a couple is married that they should be at a place to go and buy a $250,000 house with no problems. You don't hit the lottery when you get married!

Ish happens! When your rent is the cost of someones mortgage payment then hell yeah i can see how one cant afford to save for a home. They probably could save but I'd rather save $1500 a month than to get a place of my own with my husband than to only be able to save $300 a month...just for the sake of being married and having our own place?

My sister and bro-in-law stayed in someones rented trailer for over 5 years while they sucked it up and saved money to custom build their dream home. If they had decided to be "independent" and get an apartment, they'd STILL be there til this day! And if you saw that trailer you'd see that they were HUMBLE!

Suck it up and save and don't worry about what society thinks you should be at money-wise just cause yall are married. There are broke, married folks out there who make $100k a year and still cant buy a house.

And how do you question a man's ability to provide? Is a man that can only provide you with a $90k house any lower than a husband that can provide his wife with a $400k house?

My brother-in-law had a decent job and was able to "provide" but it wasnt gonna be the house that they are sittin in right now unless he used common sense and humbled himself and his wife to get something more appealing to THEM....not society.

ITA with this whole post. I would never pass on the opportunity to save more money. There is nothing wrong with them saving some money by living for cheap. In a few years they will be much better off than a lot of the so called "independent folks" paying rent.

 

[queenbee8687]

Thank you for your advice lovely ladies.

I will definately look into the finanicial planner thing. See if i can get that at my local bank. I will be stucking it up and staying home. In that time i would ablso have completed by degree and MBA so it will be fantastic timing.

 

[Farida]

I would totally take it!

When I saw the title of the post I thought he meant you live there with your mom!

Alone is fine. Perhaps you can pay her just a little rent so that it isn't totally free.

I would wonder why he was so quick to suggest that but you say you have enough money to move out so perhaps he has money plans.

It is a great way to save money. I'm moving and getting married this year and it is going to be so tough money-wise. I wish I had that option.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

That's the issue with society. We all ASSUME that since a couple is married that they should be at a place to go and buy a $250,000 house with no problems. You don't hit the lottery when you get married!

Ish happens! When your rent is the cost of someones mortgage payment then hell yeah i can see how one cant afford to save for a home. They probably could save but I'd rather save $1500 a month than to get a place of my own with my husband than to only be able to save $300 a month...just for the sake of being married and having our own place?

[And how do you question a man's ability to provide? Is a man that can only provide you with a $90k house any lower than a husband that can provide his wife with a $400k house?

Perhaps you missed my point(s). This has nothing to do with society or living up to anybody's standards. I never said he should be able to buy her a mansion without blinking nor do I suggest that he's unfit to be a husband because of his inability to do so. Clealrly, SHE wanted to know what WE thought to get a variety of opinions and thoughts about the matter

I stand by my comment because two GROWN adults should be at a place where they can support themselves before getting married. PERIOD. If you think that's "society" then so be it, but I'm of the belief that both individuals need to be able to stand on their own two before they try to walk together.

The OP later stated that her FH is stable, and I followed that by saying that it wasn't an issue. I completely understand that things happen and that you can't go into marriage thinking it's going to be all roses and sunshine, but you SHOULD go in with your eyes open and not pretend reality away.

I never said that it was a horrible idea, but if it TRULY were such a non-issue, the OP would have never posed the question here. Clearly, she had some reservations, and there had to be a reason for those reservations. Beyond that, his ability to provide is completely subjective and as such, I never attempted to quantify it. A man's ability to provide will depend on a variety of factors. I was simply giving the OP some things to consider in making her decision.

I think the issue of saving money has gotten confused with a man who is wanting to mooch. There was a misunderstanding upthread, but that has been cleared up. There's a difference between being dead broke & trying to do something you're not ready to do versus wanting to save money for a future investment. The latter, IMO, is wise. The former, IMO, is asking for trouble.

 

[Laginappe]

I agree with Divine Inspiration. People who are about to take a step like this should be able to carry their own weight. They should be able to handle the "if something should happen..." clause.

On the other hand, I totally understand a parent wanting to help their children get started in life. Parents do this all of the time. And a lot of children take advantage of it. But there are ways that you can handle this and balance the role of adult-wife with your mother's daughter.

If you stay in her home you and your husband should pay her some sort of rent. Even though the house is empty there are still carrying costs. Offer to pay something and then you'll have more say so about this being your home that you share with your husband vs the house your mother allows you two to live in.

 

[aqualung]

To the OP,

I'd be reluctant to leave my mom's house vacant. The empty building is vulnerable to vandals and squatters.

I don't date men who don't already own real estate, but if you're young and deciding between renting and Mom's house, then stay at Mom's house and save up to buy your 1st place.

DO pay your mom some rent. If she won't take it, but aside money every month and present her with the lump sum or the equivalent in bonds or something. You could put the rent in a tax free shelter like an annuity in her name.

I'd change the locks whether I stayed or left it vacant.

 

[MysteryMe]

I'm not too sure about this. He says we should stay there as we dont have to pay rent or anything. Noone lives in my mum's house it's currently vacant, she's on a long extented holiday in Ghana. She hasn't asked us to pay rent and has actually requested we stay there until we have enough money to buy a place, but i think it goes without saying...esp since I'll be married and all.

When me and my soon to be hubby were discussing it, he said he'll do whatever i want but he thinks it's a good idea to stay home. I dont like the idea, cos i wanna move out you know and start fresh in my marriage life. Plus there's always a lot of relatives constantly just turning up at my door step, which id rather not have. My brother and his mates also use the house as a chill zone. I know we're not making enough money to buy yet and not enough to rent and save but there must be another way.

Advice would be very much appriciated. Would you stay?

editted post-I was confused about who had the vacant home, your mom or his mom. But I got it now.


I would imagine that the vacant home would be best, if you guys didn't have to front the cost. It's vacant and in-law free, which can be an added incentive. I think you (and SO) will have to be stern in not allowing relatives to just drop by without prior notice AND permission. Of course, listen to your intuition