He wants me to stop traveling when we get married...

A

Amante

New Member
Hi ladies,

I have a major concern/ question for you ladies.

I have a very international career. I travel to multiple countries per year for various fellowships, projects, and consultancies.

And my SO doesn't like it one bit.

My SO and I are planning to get married in the next year or two. But today he told me that when we do, the traveling must stop because A) he wants me to be around to raise the kids, not a nanny and B) he wants me to be around to be with him, as his wife and C) he REALLY worries about me, since I often travel to high risk areas of African and the Middle East. My last journey was to Palestine and it was riddled with murders and bombings. I also think he wants to see me in one place, settled, you know? So we can be together.

PS To complicate things further, I am from the States, he is from Qatar. And we met in India. So the idea of us being in one place together is already a challenge in itself.

I can't blame him. I wouldn't want my hubby to be gone 2 months out of the year. I don't really want anyone else but me raising my kids. BUT I also have this gut feeling that I should love my dreams! If I have a chance to be a diplomat, an ambassador, or even secretary of state then why shouldn't I go for it.

For these reasons, I often feel like he isn't supporting my dreams. Like he wants me to stop them just to be with him or just because I have kids. He says that at some point I need to shift my focus to family and that most women with careers like that are single and unmarried. Part of me agrees, but part of me violently rejects the idea that I should ever have to give up my dreams.

Am I being selfish? Being a mother means being there, doesn't it? And being a wife means the same, right? For a relationship to work, we've got to meet in the middle. Am I foolish to think I can have it all??

I'd love to hear from all ladies about their feedback on my challenge. Especially from those who are married and maybe have kids. Have you been able to follow your (global) dreams?
 
As someone who willingly put her family in front of her career I'm going to tell you that I immediately got a bad feeling reading this. Not because I disagree with your FH, but because I can feel that this is not what you want. 2 months out of 12 is not that long.

I have family that lives all over the world because of what they do. Sometimes together, sometimes not. The support they give each other makes it possible ( add to that a couple of nannies, drivers, and housekeepers). They both have demanding, sometimes dangerous jobs yet they have raised 3 awesome kids and been married 25 yrs yesterday.

I tell you this to say it takes 2 to reach the middle ground and if he's not going to move toward the middle and help you live your dreams then you need to find someone who will because he is out there.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Is there anyway that he can travel with you at least part of the time? Is he interested in travelling if he is able to accompany you?

My FH travels globally and when it became clear that we will be married we had the same discussion only he said he wanted me to go with him and wouldn't go unless I was able to go.

We will be travelling to France in June and Chile in July and he let it be known that I would be coming along.

My only limitation was my job back home. Luckily, I was able to work out a work from home arrangement that would allow me to be out of the office for those 2 months.

I can understand your concern because as someone who craves travelling I wouldn't want to choose between my family and something like that.

Some other questions that came to mind are:

How did you envision traveling with the family? Do you want to bring them along or leave them at home?

ETA:

No you are not selfish! That is a big this to give up especially if you can pull both things off. In my case FH and I don't plan on having more children.

My BIL had an offer to go to Australia for his job for 9 months. He and my sister have a 1 and 3 year old. He mentioned that he would be turning the assignment down because the rest of the family can't go at this time BUT he mentioned that as the children get older he hopes another opportunity like this one comes up again. But you never know?

He is already in the thick of family life and you are not so you have a chance to really think about how it can all work out and make a case to your FH. I'm sure he would listen to reason.
 
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JayAnn & Aveena

The funny thing is that he thinks by me doing all these fellowships at the UN and my other work abroad, I am not meeting him in the middle. I asked him if he would come along and he says he will have his job that he won't be able to leave. . . I also think he doesn't agree with some of the places I chose to go (like Palestine). He gets really worried about me. And he doesn't really want to go to some of these places himself.

He keeps telling me that no one would want a wife that is always gone for work journeys :( So that leads me to believe he doesn't agree with the idea generally.

I envision being really global for at least 5 more years before pulling back some-- meaning travel less for family sake, cause I hope to settle down in my late 20s. Once I become a mother I also want to change gears a little, maybe start up a business I can run from home so I can be there to raise the kids, write those books I always wanted to write, etc.

Why does it feel like I have to choose between family & career. . .

-Amante
 
Aveena said:
He is already in the thick of family life and you are not so you have a chance to really think about how it can all work out and make a case to your FH. I'm sure he would listen to reason.
Click to expand...

I added this in before I saw your update and let me tell you. The thing about no man would want a wife who journeys? hmm :look:

Let's just say I disagree with that and perhaps you will have to delay marriage to this particular fellow? - or in general.

You've got a lot going for yourself it seems and a lot of living. Believe me! Other men will want you. :yep: You should operate as that being a given. The question to me is which man fits into the life you want to live.
 
did i mention he also doesn't really want me to work after i have kids....

i really love him, but i really love me too. . .

i guess i'm not sure what are the thing you do for love & marriage sake...
 
2 questions

Is he controlling in any way that you've noticed?

And how passionate are you about your work & dreams compared to a marriage with him?
 
Amante said:
JayAnn & Aveena

The funny thing is that he thinks by me doing all these fellowships at the UN and my other work abroad, I am not meeting him in the middle. I asked him if he would come along and he says he will have his job that he won't be able to leave. . . I also think he doesn't agree with some of the places I chose to go (like Palestine). He gets really worried about me. And he doesn't really want to go to some of these places himself.

He keeps telling me that no one would want a wife that is always gone for work journeys :( So that leads me to believe he doesn't agree with the idea generally.

I envision being really global for at least 5 more years before pulling back some-- meaning travel less for family sake, cause I hope to settle down in my late 20s. Once I become a mother I also want to change gears a little, maybe start up a business I can run from home so I can be there to raise the kids, write those books I always wanted to write, etc.

Why does it feel like I have to choose between family & career. . .

-Amante
Click to expand...

Why did you agree to marry him? It appears these matters were not thoroughly discussed before a proposal was made.

IMHO, your youth is best served fulfilling your heart's desires and exploring your passion/interests/career options. As for your FH, he has different plans for your future (as wife and mother).

If he is not willing to compromise, it is best you both go your separate ways. No man should expect let alone demand that you choose between your heart's desire/career and raising a family. And what's to say this man won't leave you in the future? I would hate for you to have regrets and think of what could have been should you decide to live the life he wants for you.

Don't give him that power.
 
Amante said:
did i mention he also doesn't really want me to work after i have kids....

i really love him, but i really love me too. . .

i guess i'm not sure what are the thing you do for love & marriage sake...
Click to expand...

"Love" can be a fleeting emotion. I advise you not decide your life's future (and give up your dreams) on an emotion that can be here today and gone tomorrow.
 
1. he is not outright controlling, but he does think he can change some things about me. somethings he says sound manipulative in my opinion. like for example when i told him i was planning to go to geneva for a un workshop in the fall, he told me that i shouldn't be mad when he signs up to be a UN peacekeeper because he's "always wanted to" and why shouldn't he "also follow his dreams." OR when i mentioned i would keep doing my work in palestine, he said he was going to join the army (which he views as equally dangerous) and see how it makes me feel. -> i don't think he meant to manipulate... he just maybe wanted me to understand how it feels for me to keep going and going to dangerous places...

2. extremely passionate. its not something i thought up on my own. it is something i prayed about, begged God to show me for years. international service. you know?
i have to do this work. i dont know what else i will do. i personally do not feel like i will ever feel satisfied just staying at home or just being a mommy or just being a wife-- i want a career that excites me. & him. well i love him, i really do. i want us to work...
 
All I have to say is that its a good thing you are having this issue now. You should discuss it and see if either of you will compromise.
 
I'm not going to tell you not to marry him, but as another poster stated, delay getting married for a bit. Just enough time to let the "love butterflies" die down and you can see things clearer.

In my opinion, this is a major issue that needs to be worked out before marriage and kids come into play. I am so glad you are dealing with this now!

Good luck! :)
 
Amante said:
1. he is not outright controlling, but he does think he can change some things about me. somethings he says sound manipulative in my opinion. like for example when i told him i was planning to go to geneva for a un workshop in the fall, he told me that i shouldn't be mad when he signs up to be a UN peacekeeper because he's "always wanted to" and why shouldn't he "also follow his dreams." OR when i mentioned i would keep doing my work in palestine, he said he was going to join the army (which he views as equally dangerous) and see how it makes me feel. -> i don't think he meant to manipulate... he just maybe wanted me to understand how it feels for me to keep going and going to dangerous places...

2. extremely passionate. its not something i thought up on my own. it is something i prayed about, begged God to show me for years. international service. you know?
i have to do this work. i dont know what else i will do. i personally do not feel like i will ever feel satisfied just staying at home or just being a mommy or just being a wife-- i want a career that excites me. & him. well i love him, i really do. i want us to work...
Click to expand...

You just answered your own question.

You're still young. Now is the best time to explore the world and be selfish. Do what you need to do to ensure you'll never have any unanswered what-ifs.
 
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Amante said:
...i have to do this work. i dont know what else i will do. i personally do not feel like i will ever feel satisfied just staying at home or just being a mommy or just being a wife-- i want a career that excites me. & him. well i love him, i really do. i want us to work...
Click to expand...
And there it is... this isn't a matter of you being selfish or FH being controlling as much as it is both of you having different ideas about your role as a wife and mother. Since we're talking about values (which are subjective any way), no one can tell you what choice will work best for you. IMO, this will come down to what constitutes an acceptable v.s. unacceptable trade off for you.

ETA:
...For these reasons, I often feel like he isn't supporting my dreams. Like he wants me to stop them just to be with him or just because I have kids. He says that at some point I need to shift my focus to family and that most women with careers like that are single and unmarried. Part of me agrees, but part of me violently rejects the idea that I should ever have to give up my dreams...
Click to expand...
Have you directly told him your feelings in bold? If you have, what did he say (and I didn't see this above, but I apologize if I'm asking you to repeat yourself)?
 
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Amante you stated that he is from Qatar. Is he a practicing Muslim?

If so then there are "rules" in regards to women traveling unchaperoned. Is this what he maybe referring too?

I'm thinking that maybe it.

I could be wrong.
 
Hi OP,

As a former international traveler myself-- I thought that I could share my opinion as some one that has sort of been there and has the t-shirt... though is with my SO.

I traveled internationally about 75% of the time for about 6 years... I was still in my 20's and it severely hindered many of my relationships.

Of my colleagues that traveled as much as I did, only 3 of us were women. 1 was an older married lady. 2 of us were unmarried, 1 being me --the youngin' and the other lady was 36 ...unmarried and no kids. So that could shed some light on the dynamics.

I knew that if I truly wanted to settle down and get married and have kids, that I would have to leave my job. I didn't need a man to tell me that. I saw the dynamics in my own industry and didn't want to be an old maid.

I also knew that the only reason my job was going great was because I didn't have to worry about a hubby or kids. Travel like that for women, can put serious stress on a relationship and I believe even break up marriages.

I do not believe that you should leave your fiance', simply because I feel that the majority of men will feel the same way, unless you met someone that was also in that profession.

So I ended up leaving that job and I must tell you that I am miserable. I wish I would have taken the time to find another job, where I didn't travel as much, but still traveled... I went from traveling 75% of the time to zilch, zero. And I am dying.

I am currently trying to obtain another job---with some traveling... but this job market is hard... I may be PMing you for a reference, hook-up or something ... :look: :look: :look:

So another option could be where you obtained another job, where you still traveled, but maybe not as much. I mean you do have some time to network and find the right opportunity in the meantime...


I also know of a lady that works for the UN also, that still does all of the traveling, and was blessed enough to find her hubby thru the UN as well, they had a daughter not too long ago. :o)

So there are options as to what you should do, either way. But make the decision that is going to make you happy - not him, or others... because in the end you will only be miserable.

HTH

Sent from my DROIDX using DROIDX
 
Honestly it doesn't sound like he is concerned about your safety. He sounds like he doesn't want a wife who will upstage him career wise. Especially that little dig about women being single and unmarried. There are men who will support your dreams. I think many women are unfulfilled in their relationships and marriages because they put THEIR dreams on hold to please a man. You already know this isn't what you want. Recognize it and be honest about it. Don't force yourself to do something that will only cause you to be unhappy and unsatisfied. No man is worth that.


Pay attention to the red flags.
 
I believe that you will be sacrificing too much to be with this man. As others have stated, 2 months out of 12 isn't a long time. It's not like your kids wouldn't recognize you once you return. In the end, you will end up with a basket full of resentment for not following your passion.

He sounds a bit controlling to me. What is he offering to sacrifice?
 
Having friends from qatar and other Arab countries, most prefer their wives to stay at home. Regardless of his culture you need to figure out if any man is worth giving up your dreams for. You shouldn't have to give it all up when he isn't even willing to meet in the middle on this.
 
I am in the military and know many women and men that have families that are in the military. Sometimes we are away from our families upto a yr at a time. But this is something that we all signed up for. There are many times when we can't take our family and everyone puts on their big girl/boy drawls and deal with it.

Going into a relationship with you he knew what your job was. When he got with you, he should have resolved any issue that he had with it. Right now you have your dream job, if you give it up for him, you may come to resent him for it, if you don't he may come to resent you.

I am not going to tell you to leave or stay, but you need to really think about what it means to give it up or not.
 
OP never give up your dreams for love. If he was accepting you as you are, he would be accepting of your current career. If you give it up now for a man, you will resent him--and divorce will be in your future.

Marriage is about compromise. Both parties need to meet in the middle if the marriage is going to last. My job requires me to travel globally, and I know it wouldn't work if dh was home with the kids. So he travels with me. Sometimes the entire family travels with me, but regardless we are together when I am gone. It works, but we compromised.

I would take this time to really talk with him on compromising some way. You never want to give up your career when that isn't what you want. If you know you don't want to be a SAHM now, you most certainly won't want to do it when your home with the babies watching Yoo Gabba Gabba, with no regularly adult conversation.
 
Sounds like a matter of bad timing to me. It will boil down to whether you are willing to
forgo your dreams for this man.

I wouldn't. If I had passion for my career that has me on track to reach personal goals I've set for myself, I'd put the relationship/marriage on hold.
 
I work in International Defense and travel a lot as well, I'm currently at the level as to where I decide when and where I will go. Anyways, this is an awesome field to work in, if you are really passionate about your career than I would say u won't feel totally happy if you walk away from it without it being 100% your choice.

Funny I met my ex in Qatar, love it there by the way. Once my ex & I became serious and it seemed as if the relationship was headed to marriage I went to work for the headquarters side of the house which required lil' to no travel and 10x more beauracratic and guess what I was not happy, this was my choice not his.

I'm not sure exactly what you do abroad but for me going into third world countries and seeing all parts of the world and meeting various types of people has become a big part of me and trust me those cravings to see, do and help more will never die. Good luck tho!
 
It sounds like you two just aren't a very good match as far as marriage goes. Maybe okay for dating. I don't understand why he would want to marry someone so opposite to what he seems to really want. There are many many women out there who would gladly give up non-stop, dangerous travel, or who are already settled in one place, who would probably be a much better match for him, and his requests would be easily satisfied. And I don't understand how someone so independent could be bothered with such a traditional man. I think all you guys are going to do is drive each other crazy. I don't think you're the one for him. And I don't think he's the one for you.
 
You are going to have to be firm with him about what you want...and yes, he sounds a bit manipulative and controlling. Your heart;s desire is what God put in you...don't give that up for anybody.
 
sunnieb said:
I'm not going to tell you not to marry him, but as another poster stated, delay getting married for a bit. Just enough time to let the "love butterflies" die down and you can see things clearer.

In my opinion, this is a major issue that needs to be worked out before marriage and kids come into play. I am so glad you are dealing with this now!

Good luck! :)
Click to expand...

ITA. He keeps saying, why are we skipping steps-- let's just get married and then worry about this issue.s But to me, it's a deal breaker.
 
MD_Lady said:
And there it is... this isn't a matter of you being selfish or FH being controlling as much as it is both of you having different ideas about your role as a wife and mother. Since we're talking about values (which are subjective any way), no one can tell you what choice will work best for you. IMO, this will come down to what constitutes an acceptable v.s. unacceptable trade off for you.

ETA: Have you directly told him your feelings in bold? If you have, what did he say (and I didn't see this above, but I apologize if I'm asking you to repeat yourself)?
Click to expand...

Yea I have told him but he thinks i am just living in a dream world-- that thats not real life. People get married and have kids and some dreams fizzle. Or that we both have to give up some of our dreams to be together and to make it work out
 
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