Do you approach or pursue men you are interested in?

[Overjoyed]

In the thread "Why are a large % of black women unmarried" someone mentioned in reference to my post that a woman should never pursue a man. I don't necessarily agree with that comment only because times have changed....heck some women are even proposing to their significant others. I wouldn't necessarily do that, but I truly admire those who took the bull by the horns and made it do what it do. Actually this is the first time I have ever pursued a guy and I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman going after what she wants. Of course there are a couple of stipulations like I wouldn't randomly pursue a guy(the guy I have been pursuing him & I have been very good friends for 10 years). I am curious to hear all of your thoughts on whether approaching or pursuing a man is a or ?

 

[Bunny77]

Hey girl. I was the one who made that comment, so I should probably explain what I mean.

I used to pursue men and NONE of those situations ever came to fruition. What I've come to realize -- whether I like it or not -- is that if a man wants you, he will do whatever it takes to get you. In your other thread, I said that you shouldn't have pursued that guy because he was showing through his actions that he didn't want to get involved with you for whatever reason, and you ended up wasting valuable energy on someone with his own issues who was in no place to be dating you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have made a way without you having to lift a finger.

No excuses, no rationalizations about being too "busy," too hurt by exes/divorce or too "shy" -- he will find a way. It's just in their nature to hunt, and I think they value what they have to work for moreso than something that just comes to them.

If you do the pursuing, you ALWAYS end up being the one taking the lead, and that begins to irk you. You wonder if you'd even have the relationship if you hadn't done anything. When I pursued men, I'd go out on dates with them and do fun activities, but after a while, I wondered why they never reciprocated, never told me I was special or anything like that. Frankly, they just weren't interested in me like that for whatever reason, even though I darn near rolled out the welcome mat and told them to come on in!

And yet, I find out later that they were busy asking OTHER women out while telling me they were "too busy" to meet when I'd try to initiate something.

Now... I DO think that you can do things to be more proactive in getting men. Flirt a little more. Drop some hints. Put yourself in a place where you'll meet a lot of single men and chat them up. Hey, one time, I handed a guy my card and said, "Next time you're in town, give me a call."

He didn't, but whatev... the point is, I showed my interest but put the ball in HIS court so he could then take over.

I just know that looking at all my female friends who are married, engaged, in long-term relationships, EVERY LAST ONE said that the man pursued HER. At the most, the woman might have asked him out on the first date, but he took the lead after that. My male friends say the same.

Hope that helps!

 

[Connie]

I have to agree with Bunny on this one, and not just because I'm older than most of you here (hehehe). I admire women who can approach and pursue a guy, and actually GET the guy, but in my experience, I've NEVER had to pursue a guy. They would be chasing me down before I've even had a chance to even think about it..LOL! A man will let you know if he's interested, one way or another. Nowadays, though, I wouldn't bother with playing coy if I get a vibe that a guy is interested in me and I'm feeling him as well. I'm too old for that crap.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

I'm gonna have to agree with Bunny! If a man wants you, he'll make his intentions known in some way. If he's shy, he gets a friend to set you up. If he's busy, he somehow makes time. If he's hurt, he won't approach you until he's ready and that's because he actually respects you.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I don't believe in pursuing a man but I DO believe in positioning yourself to be seen. If you put yourself in the best place to be seen and the man is interested, then I agree that's all you need to do.

 

[Overjoyed]

I have to agree with Bunny on this one, and not just because I'm older than most of you here (hehehe). I admire women who can approach and pursue a guy, and actually GET the guy, but in my experience, I've NEVER had to pursue a guy. They would be chasing me down before I've even had a chance to even think about it..LOL! A man will let you know if he's interested, one way or another. Nowadays, though, I wouldn't bother with playing coy if I get a vibe that a guy is interested in me and I'm feeling him as well. I'm too old for that crap.

I meet men everywhere I go so meeting them is not even remotely a problem....just the ones I meet don't suit my fancy. In fact, I am a bit turned off at the ones who feel the need to "chase" me. In my case it was someone who was pursuing me about 2 years ago, but I wasn't interested...so I just backed away with no explanation of why. Whatever the case we remained friends and over the 2 years I got to find out more about him and that's when I decided to turn the tide and pursue him. In my opinion times have changed and much of the what is considered traditional people are straying away from.

To me it's like saying certain roles are reserved based on sex. It's almost like saying all men should be mechanics and all women should be nurses and the roles cannot be reversed. I don't know, but it's just my opinion.

 

[Overjoyed]

I'm gonna have to agree with Bunny! If a man wants you, he'll make his intentions known in some way. If he's shy, he gets a friend to set you up. If he's busy, he somehow makes time. If he's hurt, he won't approach you until he's ready and that's because he actually respects you.

Good points!

 

[Maynard]

No. Never have, never will.

 

[Bunny77]

In my opinion times have changed and much of the what is considered traditional people are straying away from.

To me it's like saying certain roles are reserved based on sex. It's almost like saying all men should be mechanics and all women should be nurses and the roles cannot be reversed. I don't know, but it's just my opinion.

You drinking???

I respect your opinion, but I'll add one more point. Believe it or not, I am probably one of the biggest "feminists" in the universe. I called myself a feminist at age ELEVEN, when most kids wouldn't even know what that meant. (BTW, I put feminist in quotes because I know some people might define themselves differently).

I remain very open-minded about men and women and fight against double standards. HOWEVER, the older I get, I notice that some things are just innate, and just won't change despite how we raise folks or how non-traditional we become.

And I think that dating/marriage is one of those areas. If women pursuing/proposing to men worked, I'd be all for it. But my opinion is based on what I've seen, not any deep adherence to gender roles. EVERYTHING I've seen in terms of my own relationships and those of folks I know fit into the typical man-pursuing-woman pattern, so you know what? I'm not going to fight it.

I think this is a lot different than saying women should only be nurses/men can only be doctors, etc... this is one of those unexplainable things that is probably born in folks and just "is what it is."

Now if there's a relationship in which the woman pursues and the man accepts and they work well, then more power to them. But they're the exception.

Finally... I think that if more women stuck to their guns and let themselves be pursued, fewer would be single. For the last two or so generations, we've stopped requiring certain things of men and WE'VE been the ones to suffer while they've made out like fat rats.

 

[Bunny77]

I meet men everywhere I go so meeting them is not even remotely a problem....just the ones I meet don't suit my fancy.

P.S.: I was not implying that you personally were having trouble meeting people. I was speaking in general about the idea that if a woman wants to be proactive toward finding a good man without totally pursuing one, she can put herself in more places where she'll meet them.

 

[Princess4real]

There's no need for me to do that. Too stuck on myself, he better man-up and approach me!

 

[Princess4real]

I'm gonna have to agree with Bunny! If a man wants you, he'll make his intentions known in some way. If he's shy, he gets a friend to set you up. If he's busy, he somehow makes time. If he's hurt, he won't approach you until he's ready and that's because he actually respects you.

I totally agree wit cha!

 

[sky_blu]

I dont pursue men but Im going to start if Im interested....Sometimes we dont realize that guys can be just as shy as women and scared to approach just as we are to them. Ive let too many guys slip away waiting around on him, when he was waiting around on me. So not all the time will he make his intentions known, it depends on what type of man he is. If you want to go for it, go for it!

 

[Bunny77]

I dont pursue men but Im going to start if Im interested....Sometimes we dont realize that guys can be just as shy as women and scared to approach just as we are to them. Ive let too many guys slip away waiting around on him, when he was waiting around on me. So not all the time will he make his intentions known, it depends on what type of man he is. If you want to go for it, go for it!

Just my

I've heard this explanation before and I say this... my type of man would find a way to get to me. If he's too shy or if he's waiting on me, he's not a man that I want, so it's no loss for me.

Plus, I find that a lot of men say -- after the fact -- that if they had known that such-and-such woman liked them, they would have gotten with them. That's easy to say after the fact, but I honestly wonder how many of them would actually have done it.

My man will not let himself slip away because he won't be waiting on me. He's gonna be a man and make it happen.

 

[Overjoyed]

There's no need for me to do that. Too stuck on myself, he better man-up and approach me!

Go on with your bad self!

 

[sky_blu]

Just my

I've heard this explanation before and I say this... my type of man would find a way to get to me. If he's too shy or if he's waiting on me, he's not a man that I want, so it's no loss for me.

Plus, I find that a lot of men say -- after the fact -- that if they had known that such-and-such woman liked them, they would have gotten with them. That's easy to say after the fact, but I honestly wonder how many of them would actually have done it.

My man will not let himself slip away because he won't be waiting on me. He's gonna be a man and make it happen.

Yeah but why does he have to be less of man if he's too shy to approach you? I know Im pretty reserved myself and Im not any less of a woman because I dont have enough nerve to approach guys (which I plan to change). Why should women always wait around for guys to step to them, why cant it be the other way around sometimes? Him approaching you doesn't effect his ability to provide as a man or be a great potential. Shoot the ones who actually step up turn out to be the losers anyway since I'm still single

 

[Princess4real]

Go on with your bad self!

Your pretty and if men aren't approaching you, their fools!!!

 

[Bunny77]

Yeah but why does he have to be less of man if he's too shy to approach you? I know Im pretty reserved myself and Im not any less of a woman because I dont have enough nerve to approach guys (which I plan to change). Why should women always wait around for guys to step to them, why cant it be the other way around sometimes? Him approaching you doesn't effect his ability to provide as a man or be a great potential. Shoot the ones who actually step up turn out to be the losers anyway since I'm still single

I know that's right! I will say this though... I have turned down guys who pursued me. Maybe I wouldn't be single if I hadn't. However, none of the times I pursued a man (and it was multiple times) resulted in a relationship... when it could have the other way around.

In general though, I look at it like this. Folks work for the stuff they want, especially men. If they want a car, they get it. If they want a job, they get it. Men go hunting/fishing for the specific satisfaction of saying they killed/caught an animal and then they'll talk about it forever!

So they can do all that and then wanna be "shy" when it comes to getting a woman? Nuh uh, I don't think so! They find a way to get everything else, so I'm certainly worth them getting over themselves and their issues so they can get with me.

As for me, it's not that I don't have the nerve to approach a man. I do, and I have. But I don't do it any more, and my dating life hasn't suffered one bit. In fact, I get more men now that I don't pursue!

Again, if it works for you, it's cool... I just say that I'm not convinced because I haven't seen any success stories that have come from women pursuing men (outside of asking for the first date... I'll allow that. )

 

[Overjoyed]

Your pretty and if men aren't approaching you, their fools!!!

Thank you! Yes, they do approach me and way too much if you ask me, but not the right ones!

 

[SEMO]

I agree with everything Bunny77 said . I think that all men are capable of pursuing women, even the shy ones. I think how a man does this pursuing will vary greatly. A man who's shy might use a more subtle or slow approach than someone who's gregarious and outgoing. But both of them will still approach (this has been my experience).

Shy men may need more encouragement (i.e. flirting) so they can be relatively sure you're receptive to them. So if he mentions some hobby he likes, you mention how you'd love to join him sometime. To me that is different than asking him. Once you've made it clear you'd like to spend more time with him, then it's up to him to "close the deal" and set a date/time.

 

[Overjoyed]

Those of you who do not believe in approaching or pursuing a man you are interested in out of curiosity is it an ego issue? I only ask because no one has really given any "valid" reason other than "because a man should......"

 

[SEMO]

Those of you who do not believe in approaching or pursuing a man you are interested in out of curiosity is it an ego issue? I only ask because no one has really given any "valid" reason other than "because a man should......"

Why do you think approaching men is a good thing for women to do? Maybe if you gave us some valid examples we could see where you're coming from.

 

[Overjoyed]

Why do you think approaching men is a good thing for women to do? Maybe if you gave us some valid examples we could see where you're coming from.

I never implied it is a good or wonderful thing to do, but it has been made to seem to be something bad or that the person is desperate. Desperate I am far from and having men approach me has NEVER been an issue for me. And maybe I need to clarify what I mean by pursuing...what I mean by pursuing is making your interest in a man known. Even so, I don't think there is any harm in testing the waters and trying something different.

 

[Bunny77]

Those of you who do not believe in approaching or pursuing a man you are interested in out of curiosity is it an ego issue? I only ask because no one has really given any "valid" reason other than "because a man should......"

I gave a valid reason...

"In general though, I look at it like this. Folks work for the stuff they want, especially men. If they want a car, they get it. If they want a job, they get it. Men go hunting/fishing for the specific satisfaction of saying they killed/caught an animal and then they'll talk about it forever!"

See, I don't think we can apply logic to relationship matters. In my case, it's definitely not ego either... sometimes, it does just come down to, this is how men are. I think that's plenty valid -- the vast majority of men are "hunters" and that's what they WANT to do. A man who wants a woman pursues her. Simple as that.

That's how it's worked since time began, and pretty much how it continues today, with few exceptions. I can argue against it all I want using my logical powers, but it's not gonna change how nature generally works.

(Now, I could get into the religious reasons as well... but this isn't the forum for that. Plus, I know that not everyone believes the same thing!)

 

[Bunny77]

I never implied it is a good or wonderful thing to do, but it has been made to seem to be something bad or that the person is desperate. Desperate I am far from and having men approach me has NEVER been an issue for me. And maybe I need to clarify what I mean by pursuing...what I mean by pursuing is making your interest in a man known. Even so, I don't think there is any harm in testing the waters and trying something different.

I don't think anyone said a woman who pursues is desperate... I pursued, and I certainly wasn't. Maybe folks said things to you in real life about this, but no one in this thread said that you couldn't find a man or that you were desperate, nor did they imply that.

And like you, I don't think there's a problem in making your interest known... in fact, I gave an example of something I did that could be considered pursuing. But after I make my interest known, that's it.

I think I responded in your other thread because you said you aggressively pursued a certain man and I don't think any woman should be aggressively pursuing a man... ONLY because if you have to aggressively pursue, he's not interested and it's a waste of time. Nothing more.

 

[Overjoyed]

I gave a valid reason...

"In general though, I look at it like this. Folks work for the stuff they want, especially men. If they want a car, they get it. If they want a job, they get it. Men go hunting/fishing for the specific satisfaction of saying they killed/caught an animal and then they'll talk about it forever!"

See, we can't apply logic to relationship matters. It has nothing to do with me eog... sometimes, it does just come down to, this is how men are. I think that's plenty valid -- the vast majority of men are "hunters" and that's what they WANT to do. A man who wants a woman pursues her. Simple as that.

That's how it's worked since time began, and pretty much how it continues today, with few exceptions. I can argue against it all I want using my logical powers, but it's not gonna change how nature generally works.

(Now, I could get into the religious reasons as well... but this isn't the forum for that. Plus, I know that not everyone believes the same thing!)

That makes sense. Thanks for responding to my question about the ego....it wasn't meant for anyone to take personal. I just know alot of women personally who think their s*** don't stink and their reasoning is because of how they look and who they are, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

[Bunny77]

That makes sense. Thanks for responding to my question about the ego....it wasn't meant for anyone to take personal. I just know alot of women personally who think their s*** don't stink and their reasoning is because of how they look and who they are, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Cool.

I've always liked your posts, and you seem like a cool chick, so I just wanted to make sure you understood where I was coming from, even if we might disagree.

And yes, I am definitely not advocating to act like you **** don't stink and that you're too good to approach a man! My reasons are just based more on the things that men have told me and shown me that they value, blah blah blah.

 

[Overjoyed]

Cool.

I've always liked your posts, and you seem like a cool chick, so I just wanted to make sure you understood where I was coming from, even if we might disagree.

And yes, I am definitely not advocating to act like you **** don't stink and that you're too good to approach a man! My reasons are just based more on the things that men have told me and shown me that they value, blah blah blah.

Like one of my co-workers says,"Girl, we cool as a fan"!

 

[Princess4real]

Those of you who do not believe in approaching or pursuing a man you are interested in out of curiosity is it an ego issue? I only ask because no one has really given any "valid" reason other than "because a man should......"

I'll bite, I just don't think it's lady like. I've heard some men say that they do like when a women approaches them and when I hear that, I can't help but to think, what is wrong with the woman? I'm a little old fashion, blame my parents.

 

[Much2much41]

No. The woman is the prize. A man doesn't properly appreciate that which he doesn't have to work for.