Do I marry him?

Ellis, people who did not migrate to this country may not understand where you're coming from. I don't know your situation but every time I hear a story like yours the first thing I think is he wants a green card. Given what you said about your religious conviction, I would say don't do it. If you do this, understand that you are doing it for a friend and that's it. When the guy comes here, I would suggest you divorce him. Then yall could date.

I'm sorry I'm being such a pessimist, I've just seen these situations playing out unexpectedly for the woman.
 
Ellis, I'll say this to you as if you were my daughter.

It may be that right now, he views you as his greatest hope of getting out faster (and he likes you); and it may be that you view him as someone who really needs your help (and you like him). Is that enough to build a marriage upon? You could feel differently about him if you were with him in Haiti for awhile, and he could feel differently about you once he gets to the States. So I say wait. Maybe take a two-week vacation to Haiti. Maybe see if he can come here for a couple of weeks (don't know if that's possible). If God means for you to marry this man, I believe He will provide you with a strong foundation for marriage --NOT a marriage that is built on merely circumventing the law for a person you like. Please proceed carefully. I'm a Christian, too. A married Christian. I can say that marriage is not easy no matter how long or how well you've known a person. There are always doubts, fears, and disagreements, battles over the daily problems of two people sharing one space, but my husband and I never doubt that we love one another or that we are meant to be together. If you marry this man right now, one of your doubts will always be that he married you out of desperation rather than love. You deserve better than that, IMHO. I suggest you keep dating long distance, hey, maybe pay him a visit in Haiti, but keep your options open. :kiss:
 
No. Fabiennd has saved me typing up why. Behind the sarcastic replies are words of truth. pPease try and see past how a person has responded but focus only on what the response tells you.
 
The fact that you are afraid of a potential divorce says that this is not the thing to do. Marriage is a big step so why waste it on something that may not be the real deal.
 
You don't even love him. :nono:
Marriage vows say to LOVE honor and cherish...you would already be starting this "marriage of convienence" with a lie.

You and this man you've never even met need to spend time together FACE TO FACE, before you jump into something you will most likely end up regretting in a few years.
 
Thanks ladies for all the honest replies,
I have decided for now I am not going to go through with it. I really like him but I am afraid of the consequences that may follow if I do this for him. I will visit him this year and possibly the year after and see if we fall in love with one another and then take that step later on. The thing is that I wish he was here physically with me all the time, and marrying him I would have him here but I guess it would still be in the back of my mind why we got married even if things worked out or not. From the responses I have gotten, I see this is really not a good idea from any view and I respect that.
 
Are you in love with the idea of being married or think you should be married by x age?

Regardless if you visit this guy in Haiti or not, start dating other men in the States, you may realize you don't like this guy like you think you do. And besides he most likely have girlfriend(s).
 
tatiana said:
Are you in love with the idea of being married or think you should be married by x age?

Regardless if you visit this guy in Haiti or not, start dating other men in the States, you may realize you don't like this guy like you think you do. And besides he most likely have girlfriend(s).
Click to expand...

I am actually not in love with the idea of being married. I of course would like to be married by now, I am 28 but I am ok that I am not. I have dating alot of men here in the U.S and they either have to much baggage or they are just losers. Since I have been talking to him he seems like the type of person I can be with, his christian values, family values and ambitions in life. From what I know he seems to be the ideal mate for me. Of course you can never be sure as I stated before. He has not asked me to do this for him, it is my idea because I want him here for my own reasons. The way I was looking at is that the sooner he gets here he can establish his life and I can have that man I been looking for. Of course that is wishful thinking cause you just never know what lies ahead, because of one poor decision.
 
MizzBrown said:
All the men in the U.S. and you chose to video conference "date" with one from Haiti? It's a trap.

Cut him off. God will send you someone in the UNITED STATES that will you will enjoy, and yall can date like normal folks do for an EXTENDED amount of time.

You haven't even mentioned this person and love in the same sentence. You don't love him. Ask God for wisdom. Not insulting your intelligence cause even the wisest man needs wisdom. But you need Wisdom to see through the bull ish. Cause that's what I smell.
Click to expand...

:dighole: well alright now :lachen:
 
Ellis said:
I am actually not in love with the idea of being married. I of course would like to be married by now, I am 28 but I am ok that I am not. I have dating alot of men here in the U.S and they either have to much baggage or they are just losers. Since I have been talking to him he seems like the type of person I can be with, his christian values, family values and ambitions in life. From what I know he seems to be the ideal mate for me. Of course you can never be sure as I stated before. He has not asked me to do this for him, it is my idea because I want him here for my own reasons. The way I was looking at is that the sooner he gets here he can establish his life and I can have that man I been looking for. Of course that is wishful thinking cause you just never know what lies ahead, because of one poor decision.
Click to expand...

Im going to be honest! Dont do it!!!! It doesnt sit well with me.

I have uncles and cousins who married women for "papers" and as soon as it was processed :dighole: .... You already know the answer, and if you marry him, dont get mad if what YOU already know comes to past.
 
Gut feeling tells me you are gonna do it anyway.

Don't come back on this forum 6 months-1 year later crying and asking us what we think you should do when everything hits the fan.

Your key words throw me off. He "seems" to be the ideal mate...You're desperate because you are 28 and you keep running into losers and you think your clock is ticking and itching to get married. Be patient. There are losers in Haiti too.

I'm 27. I keep meeting losers too. But i'd rather be 37, single, stress-free and happy than to be 28-30 yrs old married and divorced by someone like him.

Once he gets over here, he will use u as a crutch because you are all he knows but when he sees a whole different country and culture of women, then forget it!
 
MizzBrown said:
Gut feeling tells me you are gonna do it anyway.

Don't come back on this forum 6 months-1 year later crying and asking us what we think you should do when everything hits the fan.

Your key words throw me off. He "seems" to be the ideal mate...You're desperate because you are 28 and you keep running into losers and you think your clock is ticking and itching to get married. Be patient. There are losers in Haiti too.

I'm 27. I keep meeting losers too. But i'd rather be 37, single, stress-free and happy than to be 28-30 yrs old married and divorced by someone like him.

Once he gets over here, he will use u as a crutch because you are all he knows but when he sees a whole different country and culture of women, then forget it!
Click to expand...


Everything you ladies have mentioned have really make me start thinking and you are right, new country new culture new females so yeah he may change. I am not going to do it, I will continue to build a relationship with him and visit him, and he is going to make a request for a visa soon so hopefully if that works he will be able to come here and visit even if he cannot stay. I will get to know him better if that happens. I believe if God wants him to be in my life as my husband there will be another way so I will wait, if not it will not be hard to move on and I will.
 
I was in a situation where an immigrant asked me to marry him and I agreed. For months, I viewed that man as my husband and I ignored reality. At that time in my life, I was extremely depressed, lonely, and family-less (meaning no parents, no siblings, no kids, no grandparents, no aunts/uncles). I had nothing. I thought if I married this guy I would have my family. Well we didn't get married. In retrospect, he and men like him can sense a woman's loneliness and say all of the things you want to hear. It is not what a man says it is what he does. While I was pining for him, he wasn't thinking about me unless he wanted something. If you see him fine, just don't waste all of your youth on him because he won't waste it on you.
 
Ellis said:
His family did not set me up with him at all. I am friends with his brother and I saw his picture 2 years ago and said I wanted to be introduce to him and have been talking to him since. His family would not be in the mix of this, I actually like the person and want to help.
Click to expand...

You're a Christian so you must understand that marriage is a holy covenant? So, this is NOT a reason to make a vow before God. You want to help? You like him?
 
Ellis said:
Everything you ladies have mentioned have really make me start thinking and you are right, new country new culture new females so yeah he may change. I am not going to do it, I will continue to build a relationship with him and visit him, and he is going to make a request for a visa soon so hopefully if that works he will be able to come here and visit even if he cannot stay. I will get to know him better if that happens. I believe if God wants him to be in my life as my husband there will be another way so I will wait, if not it will not be hard to move on and I will.
Click to expand...


That's good to hear but I'm worried about you waiting for a man that may take years to be available (in the states) or may not get to come here at all. Please tell me you are at least dating other people? I would hate to see you waiting for him while passing up a couple of good men because you are waiting for someone who may not turn out to be what you're looking for.
 
drasgrl said:
That's good to hear but I'm worried about you waiting for a man that may take years to be available (in the states) or may not get to come here at all. Please tell me you are at least dating other people? I would hate to see you waiting for him while passing up a couple of good men because you are waiting for someone who may not turn out to be what you're looking for.
Click to expand...

I will definately keep my options open. If a good man comes knocking on my door trust me I will give him a chance. I guess I was trying to find the easiest solution to get him over here. I will let him do what he has to do and if he is never to come, although it may hurt but that is how it is meant to be. Sometimes I get frustrated with my options that I have over here but I will continue to be patient and do things the right way.
 
I will continue to build a relationship with him and visit him, and he is going to make a request for a visa soon so hopefully if that works he will be able to come here and visit even if he cannot stay. I will get to know him better if that happens. I believe if God wants him to be in my life as my husband there will be another way so I will wait, if not it will not be hard to move on and I will.
Click to expand...

I know what it's like to date men and feel disappointed in my choices
or disappointed in them... it can make sense to feel disillusioned.

so maybe the video monitor served a purpose for a while...maybe an emptiness or lonliness or hurt...
maybe the video relating seemed enticing because it involves no commitment and lends itself instead to visual fantasy with you filling in all the blank spaces...
That impatience to have some thing more fulfilling than a one dimensional romance on a monitor...prompting your post.... is actually a good thing
It means you are on the way to wanting ..more and better ..just don't confuse what better is.

Give the guys who are here a second chance ....don't write off those who are available rather than longing for someone who not only is not available but has not done all he can to BE available ...

you trying to make him MORE available by marriage and I am glad you changed your mind...or by you going to his country is futile .....unless he's paying for it...

see...he has to want this in his heart... being available to you ...caring about your feelings....more than you do..so that he would take the right actions ...not you...

You seem like such a sweet person..I wish you could give God more time and prayer on this
:)
 
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Ellis said:
Thanks ladies for all the honest replies,
I have decided for now I am not going to go through with it. I really like him but I am afraid of the consequences that may follow if I do this for him. I will visit him this year and possibly the year after and see if we fall in love with one another and then take that step later on. The thing is that I wish he was here physically with me all the time, and marrying him I would have him here but I guess it would still be in the back of my mind why we got married even if things worked out or not. From the responses I have gotten, I see this is really not a good idea from any view and I respect that.
Click to expand...

Of course he is going to make everything you wish for happen then he is going to be out.

I still don't understand how you can date and not physcially be together it is like an oxymoron.
 
Ellis said:
Thanks ladies for all the honest replies,
I have decided for now I am not going to go through with it. I really like him but I am afraid of the consequences that may follow if I do this for him. I will visit him this year and possibly the year after and see if we fall in love with one another and then take that step later on. The thing is that I wish he was here physically with me all the time, and marrying him I would have him here but I guess it would still be in the back of my mind why we got married even if things worked out or not. From the responses I have gotten, I see this is really not a good idea from any view and I respect that.
Click to expand...

girl imma be real you have NOT met this guy you talk online with him havent seen his body language and stuff..that is how chemistry and a relationship is formed not by clicking a mouse, i think you like the fantasy of this 'perfect man' from across the screen that is why u want to be with him all the time , it has nothing to do with real emotions, why dont you date someone who lives closer to you? im sure there are men in your neighbourhood let alone in your state
 
Ellis said:
I will definately keep my options open. If a good man comes knocking on my door trust me I will give him a chance. I guess I was trying to find the easiest solution to get him over here. I will let him do what he has to do and if he is never to come, although it may hurt but that is how it is meant to be. Sometimes I get frustrated with my options that I have over here but I will continue to be patient and do things the right way.
Click to expand...

I've been clicking through this thread but the bolded warrants a response.

Do NOT EVER EVER EVER take up with a man - let alone marry him - under the umbrella of "making things easier for him."

He is a man. Supposed to stand up and work and fight to be with you.

The details are irrelevant... the person who'd allow you to break the law and risk your well being in favor of their own is not someone who's thinking about building a life with you.

Shortcuts are for idiots. If you do things the right way, the right things will come your way.
 
I know someone who got paid $10,000 for such a marriage. It lasted about 2 years and he is happily divorced but with a greencard.
 
I've been in a similar situation.....I ran away. I've looked back several times but stand firmly on my beliefs and decision. It's hard but it's the right thing to do for you. As a woman, I strongly discourage you from continuing the relationship. There are several ways that this could go sour on you.

Ellis said:
A couple of weeks ago I posted about this guy I have been talking to for a while and I am really feeling him but he lives in Haiti. I have not yet met him but speak to him everyday via video conference. His family attends the same church as I and seem like decent people. Anyhow I am getting really frustrated the fact that he lives all the way over there and I am here. His mom is not yet a citizen and has to apply for it in three years and even after that when she files for him it will take six years for him to come. On the other hand me as I am a citizen can go over there and marry him and it will take one year for him to come. The problem is that I really don't want to marry someone under those conditions. What if when he comes our relationship does not even work out, what do I do then. I am christian so I do not believe in Divorce, but then I would be marrying this person because I want to help him and I also care about him, but I do not love him yet. I would of liked to date him and get to know him before taking such a step. I was thinking of doing it and when he comes just dating him for a while and if our feelings grow then taking it to another level and live as husband and wife. I guess the divorce thing is what scares me and my religious beliefs and how the Lord will view me as. What would you ladies do in this situation? Any advice you have will help.
Click to expand...
 
you've gotten good advice in this thread about the marriage idea.. i hope you stand by your decision not to do it....

my 2 cents.... do NOT wait on a man to make moves... get to know him, fine.. if something develops, fine... but don't just sit around waiting for this one man to get his stuff together to come over... please please please live your life, DATE OTHER PEOPLE who are actually available to you, keep ALL of your options open until there's a concrete reason to cut others off...
 
Listen to her! Read it over and over again!
fabiennd said:
As a Haitian woman born in Haiti, raised Hatian and raised around Haitian men. I think this is a baaaad idea. This man is looking for a green card...trust me (I know because I'm trying to set up a friend...:sekret:). This is how your relationship will go

  • You go to Haiti and marry him
  • He comes to America
  • For the first few month he is the perfect mate. He indulges you in all of your needs and wants
  • He waits until his greencard comes and is happy that he got it
  • He waits again for another two years so that he can get his permanent card (which you are required to sign for).
  • He changes for the worst and then leaves you
  • He goes back to Haiti and marries his girlfriend.

BTW: I love haitian men and have been dating one in the STATES for 6 years
Click to expand...
 
this was probably the most interesting thread in the relationship forum in a while!:yep:

Ellis...i just hope your smart about ur choice! whatever ur choice is
 
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