DISCOURAGED BIG TIME-What exactly is a bad marriage?

[mango387]

I know this is going to sound bad and maybe all over the place, but please hear my heart. I want to be married, and a few of my close friends are married. They love their spouses and vice versa, but I am not sure how I would actually feel if I was in their shoes. For example, I know their husbands don't beat them, do drugs, don't cheat as far as anyone knows, or the MAJOR things, BUT they don't treat their wives like queens. I am not talking about roses, chocolate, etc. They are the type who pay the bills and then believe they are "holding down the fort" b/c they do what I feel they are "supposed to do" as bare minimum.

I have seen examples where my grandfather treated my grandmother like she was his queen. He always wanted her to look beautiful and have the best. Likewise, my grandmother had his back/side/front through thick and thin. I am not sure if it is b/c I am single, but when I get married I want to adore my husband and vice versa (I KNOW THERE WILL BE ROUGH PATCHES). I guess my ultimate question is my perception off or are these marriages "bad marriages?"


NOTE WELL-I never state my opinions to my friends, because I know that it's not my business. I just want to know what should I expect from a man ABOVE not doing drugs, beating me, etc.

 

[LBoogie]

Their marriages that work for them I suppose. Everyones expecation is different since all people are different. You are not your friends, and your man (hopefully, lol) will not be their man.

My DH is my BFF. THAT makes everything right in itself.

I don't care how people examine my marriage...it works for US and I couldn't be happier. There's nothing I would change about it other than him always wanting to hug me and its too damn hot when i get home.

 

[blkbeauty]

Theyre marriages that work for them I suppose. Everyones expecation is different since all people are different. You are not your friends, and your man (hopefully, lol) will not be their man.

My DH is my BFF. THAT makes everything right in itself.

I don't care how people examine my marriage...it works for US and I couldn't be happier. There's nothing I would change about it other than him always wanting to hug me and its too damn hot when i get home.

I know this is going to sound bad and maybe all over the place, but please hear my heart. I want to be married, and a few of my close friends are married. They love their spouses and vice versa, but I am not sure how I would actually feel if I was in their shoes. For example, I know their husbands don't beat them, do drugs, don't cheat as far as anyone knows, or the MAJOR things, BUT they don't treat their wives like queens. I am not talking about roses, chocolate, etc. They are the type who pay the bills and then believe they are "holding down the fort" b/c they do what I feel they are "supposed to do" as bare minimum.

I have seen examples where my grandfather treated my grandmother like she was his queen. He always wanted her to look beautiful and have the best. Likewise, my grandmother had his back/side/front through thick and thin. I am not sure if it is b/c I am single, but when I get married I want to adore my husband and vice versa (I KNOW THERE WILL BE ROUGH PATCHES). I guess my ultimate question is my perception off or are these marriages "bad marriages?"


NOTE WELL-I never state my opinions to my friends, because I know that it's not my business. I just want to know what should I expect from a man ABOVE not doing drugs, beating me, etc.

Life is different behind closed doors. Sometimes, it is not always as bad as we think. What you see on the surface of your friends marriages, is just that on the surface.

However, to me relationships are tricky. You don't want a man that's mechanical (pay the bills) and think that is all he has to do to keep the marriage and you do not want a man who has emotional issues, they will only take it out on you in the long run.

I think the key offside of choosing someone with "good" characteristics or "worldly traits", is to find someone that fits you. I left a 10 yr relationship with someone who paid too too too much attention to details. He was never happy and always too serious. I ended up trading him in for a new edition and my upgrade is just a goofy as I am. With him I feel as comfortable as a kid exploring her childhood.

IMO these are the things you should expect from a man ABOVE not doing drugs, beating you, etc.

 

[ArrrBeee]

You have to figure out what you want in a relationship before you tie the knot. Think about what you can live with and what you don't want to live with.

If you want to be treated like a queen, set the expectation up front. Otherwise you will be mad that he is not treating you like you want.

You have to figure out if the man is trainable and can be house broken. IDK. Maybe I have been watching The Dog Whisperer too much.

In my opinion "happily married" is an oxymoron. Kinda like "jumbo shrimp" and "awfully good".

 

[mango387]

Did some of you who were married make lists?

Not the "He must $75k and have assets" type lists, but the he needs to attend church at least once a month, love his parents, etc.

BTW, I am getting myself together, so I can bring something to the table besides income, etc.

I don't expect to buy me new cars every other year or anything like that, but I do want him to buy me a new outfit for my birthday, take me out to Ben and Jerry's on a bad day, and other little things that are beyond "keeping a roof over our heads."

MissScarlett and others emphasize that you have to make up in your mind that marriage is truly forever. I already believe that, but I just don't want to perpetually desiring more in my marriage.

 

[tmichelle]

I didn't make a list (I probably should have it might have kept me from dating losers) but after dating a loser I then knew what I didn't want. I finally looked to God and He pointed me to my dh. You have to decide what characteristics are attractive to you before you hit the scene or else you'll be sucked in by something that is not important to you in the long run. So go ahead make a list, or at least set firmly in your mind what is the most important things to you (and they've got to be more of the intangible b/c the tangible can easily fade away with a bad economy or accident or something). Become attracted to those things and then you'll more easily weed out the ones you don't want.

 

[saved06]

Their marriages that work for them I suppose. Everyones expecation is different since all people are different. You are not your friends, and your man (hopefully, lol) will not be their man.

My DH is my BFF. THAT makes everything right in itself.

I don't care how people examine my marriage...it works for US and I couldn't be happier. There's nothing I would change about it other than him always wanting to hug me and its too damn hot when i get home.

Ok, I see I can't be mad about this. My SO always complains when I see him and I'm trying to hug him.. And he says it's too hot "I'm hott baby"...so since you stated that I understand now.

 

[Syrah]

Did some of you who were married make lists?

Not the "He must $75k and have assets" type lists, but the he needs to attend church at least once a month, love his parents, etc.

BTW, I am getting myself together, so I can bring something to the table besides income, etc.

I don't expect to buy me new cars every other year or anything like that, but I do want him to buy me a new outfit for my birthday, take me out to Ben and Jerry's on a bad day, and other little things that are beyond "keeping a roof over our heads."

MissScarlett and others emphasize that you have to make up in your mind that marriage is truly forever. I already believe that, but I just don't want to perpetually desiring more in my marriage.

Just a note. A list is a list - just because there are no salary requirements on the list does not make the list any more valid or any less superficial. And lists inherently aren't bad - it's the way that we use the lists that make a problem. Wanting a man that is a practicing Christian is absolutely a-ok. Stipulating that he must attend church once in a month becomes a problem - that is how YOU imagine a practicing Christian would act. And I think it's more about understanding the reasons why we want the things we want and being clear with the reasons.

That being said, I'm in the same boat (discouraged big time) for different reasons. I'm a child of divorce (older divorce - my folks were married 24 years before they split) AND thats what I'm afraid of. It wasn't that they couldn't make it work, and called it quits in that "early" period...it's that they tried and tried and tried and what they tried didn't seem to work. They both admit there were things they could have done differently, but didn't do at the time for a variety of reasons (weren't aware, were being stubborn etc). My mom's getting remarried in 2 weeks and there's a huge part of me that doesn't quite understand "why"?

I guess a part of me wonders: how do you KNOW that a person views commitment in the same way you do? For those of you who ARE married, how did you define the roles in the relationship - did they change from dating to engagement to marriage? Was it a natural change or was it something that was discussed??

 

[mango387]

Just a note. A list is a list - just because there are no salary requirements on the list does not make the list any more valid or any less superficial. And lists inherently aren't bad - it's the way that we use the lists that make a problem. Wanting a man that is a practicing Christian is absolutely a-ok. Stipulating that he must attend church once in a month becomes a problem - that is how YOU imagine a practicing Christian would act. And I think it's more about understanding the reasons why we want the things we want and being clear with the reasons.

That being said, I'm in the same boat (discouraged big time) for different reasons. I'm a child of divorce (older divorce - my folks were married 24 years before they split) AND thats what I'm afraid of. It wasn't that they couldn't make it work, and called it quits in that "early" period...it's that they tried and tried and tried and what they tried didn't seem to work. They both admit there were things they could have done differently, but didn't do at the time for a variety of reasons (weren't aware, were being stubborn etc). My mom's getting remarried in 2 weeks and there's a huge part of me that doesn't quite understand "why"?

I guess a part of me wonders: how do you KNOW that a person views commitment in the same way you do? For those of you who ARE married, how did you define the roles in the relationship - did they change from dating to engagement to marriage? Was it a natural change or was it something that was discussed??

I am bumping, because the bolded are really good questions. Thanks for your insight.

 

[DSP]

I guess a part of me wonders: how do you KNOW that a person views commitment in the same way you do? We discussed commitment during our courtship and engagement. We still discuss our views as new circumstances arise. It's a never-ending dialogue.

For those of you who ARE married, how did you define the roles in the relationship - did they change from dating to engagement to marriage? Our relationship has evolved over time. When we were dating, it was all fun and games. When we became more committed, we each struggled to find our roles. (I was a child of divorce and his parents were very rigidly traditional. Neither of us wanted to live like our parents.) As different circumstances occur, we step in where we are strong and the other needs support. If one of us feels overwhelmed we ask for help. If we see the other person struggling, we offer help or at least a shoulder to lean on. If we're both overwhelmed, we have a great support network.

Was it a natural change or was it something that was discussed?? Some things were natural (I must have a clean kitchen and bathrooms, so I take care of that. He hates clutter and broken things, so he takes care of that). Some things took longer (how we handle our funds and how we deal with our extended family). We have different ways of handling things, but we have the same basic goals so it works.

Our marriage looks nothing like it did in the beginning. We have each matured a great deal over the years. Fortunately we continue to grow together.

Answers above.

 

[LBoogie]

Ok, I see I can't be mad about this. My SO always complains when I see him and I'm trying to hug him.. And he says it's too hot "I'm hott baby"...so since you stated that I understand now.

LOL

Please let that man cool down! It's theeeeee most gross feeling. UGH.

Sometimes I wish he I got home first. LOL

As soon as I walk in the door its: "heeeeeeeeeeey" then he jumps up and hugs me. And I'm like "UGH!, okay, I'm hot" LOL


I'm cool with a kiss when I get home but all of that hugging can be reserved for at least 4 minutes sheesh!

My "commute" is only 7 or 8 minutes since I drive to and from work but walking to my car from work I GET hot, there's no sense in turning the air on because by the time I get home, it will finally cool down...so driving home, in the HOT car with my windows down, I'm hotter...so when I get home I'm boiling and I don't want any damn hugs! But I love him though, so I let him hug me then look at him like this erplexed