dealbreaker? Man who is marginally literate?

[barbiesocialite]

hell yea thats a deal breaker

how's he supposed to help his kids with homework if they get real serious down the line and end up married and the man can barely read erplexed

'm not even gonna go there on about how his lack of reading comprehension will affect ability and knowledge in the areas of family financial planning....

damn. times aint that hard to feel you gotta settle that low. have some self respect.

The only logical reason I can think of a woman even entertaining such a man is if chick has negative-zero self-esteem or is desperate as helll and feels she has to take what she can get. either way, it's a mess.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

Hmm... a "personal assistant" who can't even read? WHO would hire such a person? I wonder about the job he has and if there is some unsavory element he's associating with....

Beyond that, I to read. It's my primary hobby and pastime. I go stir crazy if I have nothing to read. How can an illiterate man share my love of books? No, I'm sorry. I need to have an intellectual connection with a man, and if he can't even read then there is no hope for that. (I know that illiteracy does not equal stupidity, but a grown man should have taken steps to fix the problem on his own already, if he valued the same things I do.)

Precisely.

^^^^^ITA with you! I mean dang, now BW have to settle for someone who can barely read??!?! Sheesh..

You forgot he's also twice divorced with 2 children and works a dead end job.

 

[southerncitygirl]

Ummm and no!!! I don't date people who may not be able to hold a detailed conversation with or discuss books with like WEB Dubois or Dr. Cornel West. My partner is a reflection of me and this would look real sloppy. Even if he brings other things to the table he needs to learn how to read,write and speak.

 

[biancaelyse]

Deal breaker for me for sure. Education is very, very important to me and a MUST for the father of my children. I rely on my husband to help me with my kids, getting them ahead of the curve academically so a barely literate would never work.

Side eye to the 2 divorces and multiple kids. Too many other committments for me not to mention his prior financial responsibilities.

 

[Bunny77]

Devil's Advocate:

What if he were a recent immigrant who spoke other languages well but had "broken English [or "broken" whatever is the majority language of your country]?"

Deal or No Deal?

Talk amongst yourselves.

Different situation.

I dated someone like this... and it was clear that his English was only broken because he was a native of another country. However, he spoke that language (Spanish) flawlessly and was working on his English.

I think there's a big difference between a native who is marginally literate in his own language and a recent immigrant who is simply working to learn a new language.

Plus, unlike the first dude, recent immigrant who's actively learning the new lanugage will then become bilingual. BIG plus!

 

[Bunny77]

[/B]

I would prefer not to. Intelligence much like nice teeth, is something I find highly desirable in a man. I would have to ask the above questions and consider the overall picture but, I would prefer not to need to.

Oh trust me... I wouldn't even CONSIDER it for myself.

But, if the person in question was not well educated herself, but was just looking to be with a seemingly decent, somewhat financially stable guy, she might not have a problem with that.

That's why I asked those questions. However, it wouldn't even be anything I'd have to question or anything that would cause me any measure of hesitation. I would not consider dating him.

 

[JustKiya]

Deal-breaker. Complete and utter dealbreaker, full stop. I don't care what else he has going on in his life, being marginally literate is something I cannot imagine being an aspect of my partner. Esp. as a grown man - I can't imagine how you could find that acceptable. erplexed

 

[TayMac]

Well..what's your friend's story (never married, kids, etc?) and why would she consider him?

That would be a big deal breaker for me. I mean being literate is a BASIC given standard for me for a partner. I wouldn't even think to list that when someone asks what do you look for in a mate.

We have to ask the patients' educational level and if they can read/write as part of hospital admission..I've been amazed by the number of illiterate people I've come across in the 30-45yo range.

 

[FlowerHair]

Deal breaker for me for sure. Education is very, very important to me and a MUST for the father of my children. I rely on my husband to help me with my kids, getting them ahead of the curve academically so a barely literate would never work.

Side eye to the 2 divorces and multiple kids. Too many other committments for me not to mention his prior financial responsibilities.

That's exactly my opinion. My children's father has to be able to help them with homework etc (even if I can do it as well).

Also, like some have mentioned - I love reading books and I love sharing the joy of books with my partner. How can we be on the same level mentally if he has missed out on so many wonderful stories, sayings, information... Not even being able to read the morning news erplexed I cannot and will not mother my SO/husband!

Jewelle, if the lady in question is well educated with a good job she should try to find someone similar to her. It's not being picky at all, to pass this man up.

 

[Browndilocks]

I'm sorry.

It is funny... but it's a daggone shame too. SMH

 

[Nayeli]

Dealbreaker. Imagine my having to write him a letter/note and being selective about the words I use, for fear that he wouldn't understand larger ones.

 

[ambergirl]

Yup as far as a romantic relationship its a dealbreaker. I like talkative men who want to chit chat about what's going on in the world. Hard to do that if you can't read.

But I would be his friend and encourage him to upgrad his literacy skills.

 

[Nina_deF]

I once met a guy in Australia whos was illerate (we were in our 20's). He was a construction worker, really nice guy, hard worker but I remember thinking that it could never be anything but a fling.

I googles him recently and he is CEO of his own successful construction company with over 3000 employees in Australia.

Who woulda thought.

In the meantime I'm living on unemployment btw.

 

[Bunny77]

I once met a guy in Australia whos was illerate (we were in our 20's). He was a construction worker, really nice guy, hard worker but I remember thinking that it could never be anything but a fling.

I googles him recently and he is CEO of his own successful construction company with over 3000 employees in Australia.

Who woulda thought.

In the meantime I'm living on unemployment btw.

Awww dang Nina!!!!


I will say, that guy was in his 20s... so maybe he figured out early that he needed to change! I'm sure that not being married twice (like the guy in the OP) and having two kids also made it much easier to own his own company!

 

[Preezie]

I once met a guy in Australia whos was illerate (we were in our 20's). He was a construction worker, really nice guy, hard worker but I remember thinking that it could never be anything but a fling.

I googles him recently and he is CEO of his own successful construction company with over 3000 employees in Australia.

Who woulda thought.

In the meantime I'm living on unemployment btw.

I work in Construction and see this ALL the time (which is why I answered the way I did)--men who have high school diplomas that get a trade and work their way up, live well, and take very good care of their families. I have owners of contract companies that may not have the strongest vocabulary, but they know the business lingo and they know numbers. They are very business minded and have very successful companies. Or there are many trademen here that, while still working their 9-5, own several properties or have small businesses and work simply to keep healthcare for their families. I have only been in this industry since 2004 and probably wouldn't have dated men that do not have as strong as a vocabulary as I do, but I have seen that they are good men and they are not just sitting there and not talking. Oh and almost all of them believe in family and are married.

 

[Nina_deF]

Awww dang Nina!!!!


I will say, that guy was in his 20s... so maybe he figured out early that he needed to change! I'm sure that not being married twice (like the guy in the OP) and having two kids also made it much easier to own his own company!

No, I guess it's all about ambition.
While my educated and literate butt was partying away in Hollywood, Joe was busy laying the ground for his business.

The married twice thing with kids needs to balanced with..... much more brought to the table, so to speak.

 

[softblackcotton]

No not really an instant dealbreaker as long as the guy is very ambitious and has other outstanding qualities. Not everyone has the same opportunities to persue higher education and that's understandable. As long as he shows continuous effort and progress in bettering himself. ETA: The world of academics isn't for everyone. Just like Everything isn't for everyone.

 

[barbiesocialite]

No not really an instant dealbreaker as long as the guy is very ambitious and has other outstanding qualities. Not everyone has the same opportunities to persue higher education and that's understandable. As long as he shows continuous effort and progress in bettering himself. ETA: The world of academics isn't for everyone. Just like Everything isn't for everyone.

you don't have to go to college to learn how to read and speak grammatically correct english.

 

[ladysaraii]

I work in Construction and see this ALL the time (which is why I answered the way I did)--men who have high school diplomas that get a trade and work their way up, live well, and take very good care of their families. I have owners of contract companies that may not have the strongest vocabulary, but they know the business lingo and they know numbers. They are very business minded and have very successful companies. Or there are many trademen here that, while still working their 9-5, own several properties or have small businesses and work simply to keep healthcare for their families. I have only been in this industry since 2004 and probably wouldn't have dated men that do not have as strong as a vocabulary as I do, but I have seen that they are good men and they are not just sitting there and not talking. Oh and almost all of them believe in family and are married.

I think there is a differnce between having a limited vocab and being functionally illiterate.

I mean anyone can learn new words and meanings, but not being able to read puts you way behind the curve.

 

[msdeevee]

I don't know , I'm always the 1st to come in and say that we black women have too many barriers that keep us from meeting a good man but this one I would really have to think about.

There was a thread about this before and I still feel the same . I hate a dumb man and to me not being able to read and write is equivalent to dumb. Reading is fundamental to living to me so i can't see living my life and enjoying it with a man that could not read well and doesn't understand the basics of the language . How could I respect a man that I have to explain the difference btwn. two, too and to?

I grew up with a Father that could not read and write and I have little respect for him for more reasons than that but when he asks me if he can come over so I can figure out something for him (basic math) or to make out bills for him to this day I'm like

 

[winterinatl]

Yes, it is.

I just cannot imagine being with the type of man I used to teach.

He could be sweet as day, but really, sometimes that passes through generations. There are all types of reasons why this may be happening to him, but I just don't want to have to deal with the challenges with my mate.

On the other hand, one of my Morehouse professors (we could take classes anywhere in the AUC) told us about her husband that could barely read when she met him in college. She tutored him and they fell in love, now he's a sucessful lawyer.

I don't expect that many stories to go like that though, just being honest.

 

[Bunny77]

Yes, it is.

I just cannot imagine being with the type of man I used to teach.

He could be sweet as day, but really, sometimes that passes through generations. There are all types of reasons why this may be happening to him, but I just don't want to have to deal with the challenges with my mate.

On the other hand, one of my Morehouse professors (we could take classes anywhere in the AUC) told us about her husband that could barely read when she met him in college. She tutored him and they fell in love, now he's a sucessful lawyer.

I don't expect that many stories to go like that though, just being honest.

So... from this post and Nina's, the key seems to be that a man who is marginally literate but ambitious (and YOUNG enough to show that he's going to make moves) could "possibly" be a decent candidate... now, not saying that we need to go out and give all these dudes a chance, but the ones who might prove to be exceptions usually show signs of ambition. Plus, your professor met her future husband in college, which shows he was TRYING... I know many HBCUs will take chances on black folks that mainstream institutions would pass up.

The man in the OP is too old and has too much other baggage for a professional 30-something woman to consider him as a good candidate, IMO.

 

[Browndilocks]

^^^ Just like an addiction, a person has to be willing to admit their problem and be ready to take the steps necessary to overcome it. Many illiterate adults have obviously gotten by somehow, and feel that they'e just fine.

 

[winterinatl]

So... from this post and Nina's, the key seems to be that a man who is marginally literate but ambitious (and YOUNG enough to show that he's going to make moves) could "possibly" be a decent candidate... now, not saying that we need to go out and give all these dudes a chance, but the ones who might prove to be exceptions usually show signs of ambition. Plus, your professor met her future husband in college, which shows he was TRYING... I know many HBCUs will take chances on black folks that mainstream institutions would pass up.

The man in the OP is too old and has too much other baggage for a professional 30-something woman to consider him as a good candidate, IMO.

Aaaaand they must be able to overcome their ego. This is why many black men stay at low literacy levels. I've had many sit in my basic reading classes to get the fundamentals (they had between the 3rd and 6th grade reading level) and never return after the first class. I think they just were embarrassed to be doing that "baby" and "kindergarten" work. I tell my high schoolers, well, what's that saying about where you are in life then? You ain't hurting MY feelings, lol.

It's ego. If they can get over THAT they can get over anything, IMO.

 

[winterinatl]

^^^ Just like an addiction, a person has to be willing to admit their problem and be ready to take the steps necessary to overcome it. Many illiterate adults have obviously gotten by somehow, and feel that they'e just fine.

Which is why so many of these rickety arse students of mine think dropping out is a viable "OPTION". B/c they see so many other functionally literate people "getting by" and "getting by" to them has been normalized, soooo.....

 

[kismettt]

for me yes. i used to help a grad student (older like 50s) & he was what my bf called "old black". he was also from the south. he earned his bachelors in like fashion something or other & it showed. the way he spoke & wrote drove me nuts. but if your friend is ok with it...

 

[JewelleNY]

Thanks ladies for all of the input, my friend has let this person go. She met him on Match and the literacy problem became more evident as time passed.

I guess we all have to remember our own worth.

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks ladies for all of the input, my friend has let this person go. She met him on Match and the literacy problem became more evident as time passed.

I guess we all have to remember our own worth.

Oh this was someone she met online? Oh yeah, he definitely needed to go!

Not that there's anything wrong with meeting online (I'd be a hypocrite if I was criticizing that!). I was under the impression that this was someone she knew well already and was just trying to figure out which way to go.

But a dude she just barely met and he's got ALL these issues? Heck naw. Glad she didn't waste her time with that.

 

[Browndilocks]

Thanks ladies for all of the input, my friend has let this person go. She met him on Match and the literacy problem became more evident as time passed.

I guess we all have to remember our own worth.

Wait... she met him on MATCH????? As in match.com? Where you read profiles?

Now if that's not an oxymoron I dont know what is!

 

[JewelleNY]

Oh this was someone she met online? Oh yeah, he definitely needed to go!

Not that there's anything wrong with meeting online (I'd be a hypocrite if I was criticizing that!). I was under the impression that this was someone she knew well already and was just trying to figure out which way to go.

But a dude she just barely met and he's got ALL these issues? Heck naw. Glad she didn't waste her time with that.

Yea, I think this all may explain why he was so "nice" a lot to compensate for The illiterate signs were all over the place