Professional Ladies: Would You Date a Man Who is Still in School?

[cocoberry10]

I disagree with the folks that don't think this is similar to Barack and Michelle (at least on the surface). It's funny... I just read an article in Essence in which they had interviewed Hill Harper and one thing that he said was that a lot of black women in Michelle's position would have never dated Barack because he was a broke student, with a hole in his car and wasn't even interested in working at a firm/making loads of money. I think OP's friend's situation is similar in that this dude is trying to get with her, he looks like he is trying to make something of himself but his financial situation is not good and doesn't look like it will be good for years to come, while she is already established in her profession as an attorney.

Either way, OP, I think, ultimately your friend's decision boils down to basically two things: (1) how much chance is she willing to take; and (2) is he worth it? They haven't started dating yet and so maybe she won't be able to answer these questions until they've been dating for a little while. I would suggest she at least date him. See what he is about, what his character is like, see how much she likes him and whether she's even interested in anything serious with him. Yeah, he's a broke student now but that doesn't mean that they can't go on inexpensive dates where she can get to know him. Basically, I would not write him off automatically just because he is in school and I'm already an attorney.

I don't blame your friend for being on guard though and thinking about this early. I would be too, especially if a dude basically asked me how I would feel if I had to support him through school.

This is a great post. I am going to print it out and show it to her

 

[cocoberry10]

I disagree with the folks that don't think this is similar to Barack and Michelle (at least on the surface). It's funny... I just read an article in Essence in which they had interviewed Hill Harper and one thing that he said was that a lot of black women in Michelle's position would have never dated Barack because he was a broke student, with a hole in his car and wasn't even interested in working at a firm/making loads of money. I think OP's friend's situation is similar in that this dude is trying to get with her, he looks like he is trying to make something of himself but his financial situation is not good and doesn't look like it will be good for years to come, while she is already established in her profession as an attorney.

Either way, OP, I think, ultimately your friend's decision boils down to basically two things: (1) how much chance is she willing to take; and (2) is he worth it? They haven't started dating yet and so maybe she won't be able to answer these questions until they've been dating for a little while. I would suggest she at least date him. See what he is about, what his character is like, see how much she likes him and whether she's even interested in anything serious with him. Yeah, he's a broke student now but that doesn't mean that they can't go on inexpensive dates where she can get to know him. Basically, I would not write him off automatically just because he is in school and I'm already an attorney.

I don't blame your friend for being on guard though and thinking about this early. I would be too, especially if a dude basically asked me how I would feel if I had to support him through school.

One thing I wanted to say about Barack and Michelle, and I know this is going to get me stoned, but I think it's important after re-reading your thread. I think the advice you gave is excellent. But.....when Michelle met Barack, he was ALREADY at HARVARD LAW SCHOOL, which is #2 law school in the country. Also, he was the PRESIDENT of the Harvard Law Review. No offense, but Barack is the intellectual equivalent of dating the star athlete at a Big 10 school, where there have been several Heisman trophy winners IMO. I know Michelle took an absolute risk, so I don't negate that. However, Michelle had some comfort. My friend's situation is similar, yet still different. Technically, this guy hasn't even gotten into law school (although I'm sure based on what she said that he will). Not that she cares, but I don't know if he's going to Harvard or that calibur school(and I know that doesn't matter). Just wanted to give another way of looking at it. I think it's important to see this from all angles

 

[laCriolla]

One thing I wanted to say about Barack and Michelle, and I know this is going to get me stoned, but I think it's important after re-reading your thread. I think the advice you gave is excellent. But.....when Michelle met Barack, he was ALREADY at HARVARD LAW SCHOOL, which is #2 law school in the country. Also, he was the PRESIDENT of the Harvard Law Review. No offense, but Barack is the intellectual equivalent of dating the star athlete at a Big 10 school, where there have been several Heisman trophy winners IMO. I know Michelle took an absolute risk, so I don't negate that. However, Michelle had some comfort. My friend's situation is similar, yet still different. Technically, this guy hasn't even gotten into law school (although I'm sure based on what she said that he will). Not that she cares, but I don't know if he's going to Harvard or that calibur school(and I know that doesn't matter). Just wanted to give another way of looking at it. I think it's important to see this from all angles

amen. and he was cute.

 

[Supervixen]

This is the story of my life. I'm a banker and Mr. Cyd is a 3rd year doctoral student. It's all good; we make it work because we love each other.

 

[ackee walk]

One thing I wanted to say about Barack and Michelle, and I know this is going to get me stoned, but I think it's important after re-reading your thread. I think the advice you gave is excellent. But.....when Michelle met Barack, he was ALREADY at HARVARD LAW SCHOOL, which is #2 law school in the country. Also, he was the PRESIDENT of the Harvard Law Review. No offense, but Barack is the intellectual equivalent of dating the star athlete at a Big 10 school, where there have been several Heisman trophy winners IMO. I know Michelle took an absolute risk, so I don't negate that. However, Michelle had some comfort. My friend's situation is similar, yet still different. Technically, this guy hasn't even gotten into law school (although I'm sure based on what she said that he will). Not that she cares, but I don't know if he's going to Harvard or that calibur school(and I know that doesn't matter). Just wanted to give another way of looking at it. I think it's important to see this from all angles

definitely a fair comment. i don't know what his promise might be in that regard, and, at this point, neither does your friend. this is certainly something else she should consider, because technically, dude may never make it to law school, much less a big 10 law school. in the mean time, hopefully, your friend still gives him a chance until she figures out what she wants/needs. i wish your friend all the best, OP!

 

[Bunny77]

Gawd, if folks don't stop with trying to turn Harvard Law School Barack Obama into the equivalent of Tyrone the Hustla...

Wasn't Barack only ONE year from graduation anyway, and Michelle had barely gotten out of law school herself? So at the most, they were two years apart.

Do people know how much summer associates at a law firm make? I know someone who worked for a summer at a prestigious law firm and made $30,000 Okay? FOR A SUMMER!

Some of us ain't even makin' that in a year. So if Barack was making the 1989 equivalent of that, then how was the brotha some broke dude just riding off potential?

I don't even see where Michelle took any risks on Barack. At least on paper, dude was the Golden Child.

I think too many black men like to lower 1989 Barack to the "hustlin' brotha with potential" level to simply beat black women over the head for desiring more from them and too many black women just ride with this warped, twisted retelling of events. I notice that I hardly EVER hear people mentioning that Barack was a Harvard Law Student when they twist this story around.

Oh, and Cocoberry... honestly, I don't see how your friend's story is even remotely close to a Barack/Michelle situation... I really don't.

 

[ackee walk]

Gawd, if folks don't stop with trying to turn Harvard Law School Barack Obama into the equivalent of Tyrone the Hustla...

Wasn't Barack only ONE year from graduation anyway, and Michelle had barely gotten out of law school herself? So at the most, they were two years apart.

Do people know how much summer associates at a law firm make? I know someone who worked for a summer at a prestigious law firm and made $30,000 Okay? FOR A SUMMER!

Some of us ain't even makin' that in a year. So if Barack was making the 1989 equivalent of that, then how was the brotha some broke dude just riding off potential?

I don't even see where Michelle took any risks on Barack. At least on paper, dude was the Golden Child.

I think too many black men like to lower 1989 Barack to the "hustlin' brotha with potential" level to simply beat black women over the head for desiring more from them. I notice that I hardly EVER hear people mentioning that Barack was a Harvard Law Student when they twist this story around.

Oh, and Cocoberry... honestly, I don't see how your friend's story is even remotely close to a Barack/Michelle situation... I really don't.

Your post may not be a response to my post at all but, for me, the similarity was in the basics, not the specifics. No, OP's friend's situation and Michelle's situation are not mirror images. The point I was trying to make was that in both situations, the young women involved would be banking on potential, as in both situations the man was still in school and the woman is already an attorney (see the title of OP's thread). Whether one man or another has a greater chance at success is, arguably, a good point. However, I don't know dude's situation to make that comparison so, I wouldn't say he is exactly the same as Barack for that reason. And for that same reason, I also would not say he's like/compare him to Tyrone the Hustla.

 

[BlackHairDiva]

Funny , mom was telling me the same thing. she suggested that I should be open of dating someone in school. I finished undergrad exactly 7 years ago...working on my Masters. But I have been approached by men still working on their bachelors. Still on the fence about this one. then again I'm trying to figure out if I should open of dating younger men. Im 32.. maybe i should be open to dating 25 and over since my age group are mostly married. The 25-29 group are looking to settle. So....hmmm food for thought.

 

[shenitab]

I don't think we have enough information. What exactly has he been doing up until now? How has he been supporting himself and how has he been supporting himself. There are a lot of people who go go to college/law school at night and work a full time gig during the day.
If he is saying that he expects his woman to support him, then heck to the naw. If he's saying he can pay his own way, but can't pay her way or he won't have a lot of extra money then that is something different. If I am already established I might be able to hang with that for the right man.
But as far as ME supporting HIM through school, no sir. He better find a lucrative, flexible side hustle.
Now If I was already married and my husband said girl, I always dreamed of being a lawyer and I think I would be successful at it, I just need you to float us until I'm done, I would look at him sideways, try to find out if he was really serious, and I would tell him I would try my best.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Gawd, if folks don't stop with trying to turn Harvard Law School Barack Obama into the equivalent of Tyrone the Hustla...

Wasn't Barack only ONE year from graduation anyway, and Michelle had barely gotten out of law school herself? So at the most, they were two years apart.

Do people know how much summer associates at a law firm make? I know someone who worked for a summer at a prestigious law firm and made $30,000 Okay? FOR A SUMMER!

Some of us ain't even makin' that in a year. So if Barack was making the 1989 equivalent of that, then how was the brotha some broke dude just riding off potential?

I don't even see where Michelle took any risks on Barack. At least on paper, dude was the Golden Child.

I think too many black men like to lower 1989 Barack to the "hustlin' brotha with potential" level to simply beat black women over the head for desiring more from them and too many black women just ride with this warped, twisted retelling of events. I notice that I hardly EVER hear people mentioning that Barack was a Harvard Law Student when they twist this story around.

Oh, and Cocoberry... honestly, I don't see how your friend's story is even remotely close to a Barack/Michelle situation... I really don't.

Thanking you wasn't enough.

I've tried to read the responses in both threads with an open mind and I still see absolutely no similarities between this situation and the Obama's except the mention of law school.

I also don't see Michelle Obama as having taken any kind of risk. If anything it was a no brainer.

 

[Bunny77]

Your post may not be a response to my post at all but, for me, the similarity was in the basics, not the specifics. No, OP's friend's situation and Michelle's situation are not mirror images. The point I was trying to make was that in both situations, the young women involved would be banking on potential, as in both situations the man was still in school and the woman is already an attorney (see the title of OP's thread). Whether one man or another has a greater chance at success is, arguably, a good point. However, I don't know dude's situation to make that comparison so, I wouldn't say he is exactly the same as Barack for that reason. And for that same reason, I also would not say he's like/compare him to Tyrone the Hustla.

I think I was kinda responding in general when you mentioned what Hill Harper said... which made me go, "Oh goodness, yet another black man bringing up that tired ole' 'Most black women today wouldn't have gone for Barack because blah blah blah.'"

And I always think, how do YOU know that? (you being the people who say that, not you in particular). In what universe do you think that a black woman with a law degree wouldn't want to date a black man who is about to get a Harvard Law degree? Come on now, please!

So my post was more of a general reaction because I'm just about tired of black folks playing down Barack's accomplishment, but my statement was not directed at you specifically.


As for the OP's thread, there is a BIG difference between banking on a man who doesn't even have a bachelor's degree and banking on a man who's one year away from graduating from law school. Also, if you get hired somewhere as a summer associate, that firm usually wants to hire you as a full-timer once you finish school. So basically, if Barack had wanted to work for a big firm, he already had that part tied up by successfully completing his associate term at Sidley Austin.

Again, I don't see how that was a risk at all for Michelle. She was dating a man who was a year from graduation who was in line for a cushy position when he graduated. Easy as pie if I was in Michelle's shoes!

 

[ackee walk]

I think I was kinda responding in general when you mentioned what Hill Harper said... which made me go, "Oh goodness, yet another black man bringing up that tired ole' 'Most black women today wouldn't have gone for Barack because blah blah blah.'"

And I always think, how do YOU know that? (you being the people who say that, not you in particular). In what universe do you think that a black woman with a law degree wouldn't want to date a black man who is about to get a Harvard Law degree? Come on now, please!

So my post was more of a general reaction because I'm just about tired of black folks playing down Barack's accomplishment, but my statement was not directed at you specifically.


As for the OP's thread, there is a BIG difference between banking on a man who doesn't even have a bachelor's degree and banking on a man who's one year away from graduating from law school. Also, if you get hired somewhere as a summer associate, that firm usually wants to hire you as a full-timer once you finish school. So basically, if Barack had wanted to work for a big firm, he already had that part tied up by successfully completing his associate term at Sidley Austin.

Again, I don't see how that was a risk at all for Michelle. She was dating a man who was a year from graduation who was in line for a cushy position when he graduated. Easy as pie if I was in Michelle's shoes!

I feel you, Bunny. As a professional black woman (attorney) myself, I had basically the same reaction to Hill Harper's comment as you did ("whatever, Hill... how do you know?"). And I agree that Michelle did not take the same type of risk that OP's friend might possibly take. In fact, I never actually mentioned that Michelle took a huge risk at all; only that, like possibly OP's friend, Michelle chose to date potential. And although being a soon-to-be Harvard Law grad makes potential success possibly more likely than a person recently getting their bachelor's, there's no guarantee there-- I know a few people who have squandered/are squandering similar potential. Barack certainly did not but, the point is, dating potential always involves some type of chance, no matter how small that chance might be in each case. I'm not trying to qualify OP's friend's level of risk for her (I don't think any of us have enough information to do that), nor am I trying to say whether or not it's like Michelle's. Ole dude might not be the next Barack, but he might just be worth it, and she should take the time to figure that out for herself rather than automatically writing him off b/c he's in school.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Hell yeah. Cheers just for finding a man IN school. I've clearly had some bad experiences :-/

 

[cocoberry10]

amen. and he was cute.

Yes. This point MUST not be discounted.

 

[cocoberry10]

This is the story of my life. I'm a banker and Mr. Cyd is a 3rd year doctoral student. It's all good; we make it work because we love each other.

Wow, good for you!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Gawd, if folks don't stop with trying to turn Harvard Law School Barack Obama into the equivalent of Tyrone the Hustla...

Wasn't Barack only ONE year from graduation anyway, and Michelle had barely gotten out of law school herself? So at the most, they were two years apart.

Do people know how much summer associates at a law firm make? I know someone who worked for a summer at a prestigious law firm and made $30,000 Okay? FOR A SUMMER!

Some of us ain't even makin' that in a year. So if Barack was making the 1989 equivalent of that, then how was the brotha some broke dude just riding off potential?

I don't even see where Michelle took any risks on Barack. At least on paper, dude was the Golden Child.

I think too many black men like to lower 1989 Barack to the "hustlin' brotha with potential" level to simply beat black women over the head for desiring more from them and too many black women just ride with this warped, twisted retelling of events. I notice that I hardly EVER hear people mentioning that Barack was a Harvard Law Student when they twist this story around.

Oh, and Cocoberry... honestly, I don't see how your friend's story is even remotely close to a Barack/Michelle situation... I really don't.

Yes Bunny I said the same thing (shorter) above. Michelle really didn't take a risk until AFTER Barack finished law school, when he decided not to join the firm, wrote his book ("Dreams From My Father" which didn't sell), community organizing, etc. That was a real risk, but by then he was still a Harvard Law graduate with the ability to work at a firm if push came to shove.

Also, yes summer associates can make that kind of money (as I did), but Bunny77, when you see the taxes they take out of that check, it could make you cry.

 

[cocoberry10]

I don't think we have enough information. What exactly has he been doing up until now? How has he been supporting himself and how has he been supporting himself. There are a lot of people who go go to college/law school at night and work a full time gig during the day.
If he is saying that he expects his woman to support him, then heck to the naw. If he's saying he can pay his own way, but can't pay her way or he won't have a lot of extra money then that is something different. If I am already established I might be able to hang with that for the right man.
But as far as ME supporting HIM through school, no sir. He better find a lucrative, flexible side hustle.
Now If I was already married and my husband said girl, I always dreamed of being a lawyer and I think I would be successful at it, I just need you to float us until I'm done, I would look at him sideways, try to find out if he was really serious, and I would tell him I would try my best.

Yeah, I do think she was concerned about that.

 

[cocoberry10]

I think I was kinda responding in general when you mentioned what Hill Harper said... which made me go, "Oh goodness, yet another black man bringing up that tired ole' 'Most black women today wouldn't have gone for Barack because blah blah blah.'"

And I always think, how do YOU know that? (you being the people who say that, not you in particular). In what universe do you think that a black woman with a law degree wouldn't want to date a black man who is about to get a Harvard Law degree? Come on now, please!

So my post was more of a general reaction because I'm just about tired of black folks playing down Barack's accomplishment, but my statement was not directed at you specifically.


As for the OP's thread, there is a BIG difference between banking on a man who doesn't even have a bachelor's degree and banking on a man who's one year away from graduating from law school. Also, if you get hired somewhere as a summer associate, that firm usually wants to hire you as a full-timer once you finish school. So basically, if Barack had wanted to work for a big firm, he already had that part tied up by successfully completing his associate term at Sidley Austin.

Again, I don't see how that was a risk at all for Michelle. She was dating a man who was a year from graduation who was in line for a cushy position when he graduated. Easy as pie if I was in Michelle's shoes!

Exactly. If anything, Michelle is an example to Black women of who we should take a chance on, and just how important it is to have your stuff together (as a woman) and to maintain high standards for yourself.

I think many of the problems in our community aren't simply due to numbers, but due to low expectations and low standards.

I don't think there's a problem with my friend dating this guy, but regardless of if she does or not, she should still keep the same high standards she would if he were professional. And I mean that in terms of him taking care of his own business. Barack didn't get some handout from Michelle, he was on his grind, even when he graduated and decided not to go to a big firm. He wasn't living off of his woman!

 

[cocoberry10]

I feel you, Bunny. As an professional black woman (attorney) myself, I had basically the same reaction to Hill Harper's comment as you did ("whatever, Hill... how do you know?"). And I agree that Michelle did not take the same type of risk that OP's friend might possibly take. In fact, I never actually mentioned that Michelle took a huge risk at all; only that, like possibly OP's friend, Michelle chose to date potential. And although being a soon-to-be Harvard Law grad makes potential success possibly more likely than a person recently getting their bachelor's, there's no guarantee there-- I know a few people who have squandered/are squandering similar potential. Barack certainly did not but, the point is, dating potential always involves some type of chance, no matter how small that chance might be in each case. I'm not trying to qualify OP's friend's level of risk for her (I don't think any of us have enough information to do that), nor am I trying to say whether or not it's like Michelle's. Ole dude might not be the next Barack, but he might just be worth it, and she should take the time to figure that out for herself rather than automatically writing him off b/c he's in school.

I totally agree with this.

 

[Bunny77]

Wow, two attorneys on board! Hey!

 

[Supervixen]

Wow, good for you!!!!

Well, let me add, I do not support him. It is beneath his ego to allow me to pay his way. If the guy is the type of guy to allow that, he wouldn't be my type. The most I'll do is buy Mr. Cyd a book, which can still be a pretty penny, but he's bought a book for me too as I'm taking classes as well.

Does she definitely not want to get married until he's done with all of his schooling?

 

[cocoberry10]

Wow, two attorneys on board! Hey!

Thanks!!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Well, let me add, I do not support him. It is beneath his ego to allow me to pay his way. If the guy is the type of guy to allow that, he wouldn't be my type. The most I'll do is buy Mr. Cyd a book, which can still be a pretty penny, but he's bought a book for me too as I'm taking classes as well.

Does she definitely not want to get married until he's done with all of his schooling?

Wow, that's cool. I don't think she's looking to get married right away, nor when he's finished with school. He won't be done for at least 5 years or so, so she shouldn't rush. I told her just take things slow and see where he goes.

He is definitely a broke college student. She mentioned that he's paid for some of their dates with free certificates. I'm not sure if this bothers her or not, but maybe it does.

 

[shenitab]

Well the free certificates would not bother me. I am cheap/frugal, tight on a dollar, whatever you want to call it. Me and my husband's income together is over six figures yet I clip coupons, buy on sale, price check, etc. Yes I will use a buy one get one free restaurant coupon, restaurant.com certificates etc. We like to save money on some things and splurge on other things. Plus we have three little ones to love, support, enroll in different activities, etc.
I don't think there is anything wrong with a frugal man. Now a selfish man who doesn't know how to share is a different story.

 

[Carrie A]

.....................................

 

[Carrie A]

I think I was kinda responding in general when you mentioned what Hill Harper said... which made me go, "Oh goodness, yet another black man bringing up that tired ole' 'Most black women today wouldn't have gone for Barack because blah blah blah.'"

And I always think, how do YOU know that? (you being the people who say that, not you in particular). In what universe do you think that a black woman with a law degree wouldn't want to date a black man who is about to get a Harvard Law degree? Come on now, please!

Maybe some working chick wouldn't give him (Hill) a chance when he was at Harvard Law and he's bitter.

 

[cocoberry10]

Well the free certificates would not bother me. I am cheap/frugal, tight on a dollar, whatever you want to call it. Me and my husband's income together is over six figures yet I clip coupons, buy on sale, price check, etc. Yes I will use a buy one get one free restaurant coupon, restaurant.com certificates etc. We like to save money on some things and splurge on other things. Plus we have three little ones to love, support, enroll in different activities, etc.
I don't think there is anything wrong with a frugal man. Now a selfish man who doesn't know how to share is a different story.

I don't think she has a problem with this. I think she is just looking at the whole of the situation.

 

[cocoberry10]

Maybe some working chick wouldn't give him (Hill) a chance when he was at Harvard Law and he's bitter.

Sometimes, I think some of these guys create their own bitterness

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Yes, I would but it would have to be his second career after an early retirement..at my age no way would I entertain a 'new' college student.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

If I was younger, maybe...

At this point in my life, no. You don't date a man for his potential or what he wants to become in the future. He is "looking to go to" law and business school after he finishes? Naw, buddy, a lot of life can happen between now and then.

I apply this litmus test: If this man stays in the same position of life forever, would you still want to date/marry him? If the answer is no, she's better off hanging this one up and trying again.

ETA: I don't see the Michelle/Barack connection here at all. Weren't they both Harvard law school grads when they met? I stand corrected. Barack had 1 year left at Harvard Law. What a big "risk" she took on dating that man.