dealbreaker? Man who is marginally literate?

[JewelleNY]

Hey guys,

A friend of mine has met a guy who is appearing more and more to be functionally literate, meaning, can read small basic words but not too much else.

Is this a dealbreaker? I say yes but I am told I can be very picky, don't want to give bad advice to my friend

 

[Bunny77]

Well, before I answer that, I'll ask... what's his upside? Why is your friend attracted to him and what's he bringing to the table? Things that show he'd be a good partner who's financially stable and is a positive addition to her life?

 

[JewelleNY]

Well, before I answer that, I'll ask... what's his upside? Why is your friend attracted to him and what's he bringing to the table? Things that show he'd be a good partner who's financially stable and is a positive addition to her life?

He seems to be financially stable, pretty well-off, but he has been married twice and two teens from the first marriage. No college. Christian, very polite, gentleman, very active in church. Good looking. He is a bodyguard/personal assistant.

 

[Bunny77]

He seems to be financially stable, pretty well-off, but he has been married twice and two teens from the first marriage. No college. Christian, very polite, gentleman, very active in church. Good looking. He is a bodyguard/personal assistant.

Okay... well, I would just say that the woman in question has to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for her.


For me personally, I couldn't deal with a man married twice, No. 1. At least not with me being 32 and never married... I'll give you one divorce though, but two? Nah.

Also, lot of his salary should be going to support his children. And that's good -- but I would think about how that would affect how much he would be able to offer me in that case if we were in a serious relationship.

All that's before the marginally literate part. He could very well be a good guy, but I know it would be a VERY poor match for me and we would not be able to relate well at all!

Basically, I'm a believer in the idea that we all bring resources to a relationship (not just financial ones). As a never-married, childless, professional, early 30-something (me), it would be a very bad trade-off of my resources/values to be with this guy who comes with lots of past history, baggage and minimal intellect... even if he's a good guy. I would be giving up a lot to be with him, and I would reap very little considering what I put in.

Again, that's me... but as you know, I'm pretty darn rational about all this... I'm looking at the cost-benefit analysis of most relationships, and the benefits here look to be very poor for the woman involved.

 

[awhyley]

Does he want to continue at this level, or would he up the game is she asked him to?

Being able to read, fully and not functionally, is really a basic in this the information age. Does she plan on having children with this man? It would be a deal breaker for me because I would want a father who could read to my kids.

 

[Browndilocks]

Once, I found out a guy I was dating was marginally literate via text message. He would send me these messages that wasn't just the common text mojo, but words that didnt make sense to abbreviate or spell wrong. I suspected it then. Shortly after that dawned on me, I found myself in the car with him one night writing down and explaining to him the difference between two, too and to.

Not going to lie - it was a deal breaker for me. Dealing with someone who is not functionally on your level falls along the same lines as dealing with someone who is emotionally or mentally unavailable. I would have been happy to help him and I even went as far as researching classes he could take and/or getting a private tutor. But he was an athlete with an ego...

There are so many things that are required of a man's character, financial status, grooming, etc that's discussed on this board. For me, literacy is right up there with a job and good character. It is a grown man's responsibility to take care of themselves and be able to read, because reading is BASIC and essential in this world. I didn't realize the depth of how I felt about it until I was in that situation.

So again and especially at this age, marginal literacy in a completely normal person is a total dealbreaker. There's no excuse. Period.

 

[pookaloo83]

Once, I found myself in the car with him one night writing down and explaining to him the difference between two, too and to.

I'm sorry.

 

[Preezie]

He seems to be financially stable, pretty well-off, but he has been married twice and two teens from the first marriage. No college. Christian, very polite, gentleman, very active in church. Good looking. He is a bodyguard/personal assistant.

Hmmm, I'm not sure. He can communicate, but probably not at the level that I can. However, at the same time he is Christian, polite, active inthe church, gentleman--things that I have not seen in some of the most education and "well-spoken" men. It is case by case so at this point I won't say yes or no. I pretty much have dated everyone one from doctor's to engineers to plumbers to athletes and some of the best men have been those that have no college degree or the strongest vocabulary and it that was never the culprit of the demise of our relationship.

 

[Preezie]

See, I draw the line when I have to give an English lesson on two, too, and to.

 

[MD_Lady]

Hey guys,

A friend of mine has met a guy who is appearing more and more to be functionally literate, meaning, can read small basic words but not too much else.

Is this a dealbreaker? I say yes but I am told I can be very picky, don't want to give bad advice to my friend

Then I must be picky too because I agree with you 100%!!!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Hmm... a "personal assistant" who can't even read? WHO would hire such a person? I wonder about the job he has and if there is some unsavory element he's associating with....

Beyond that, I to read. It's my primary hobby and pastime. I go stir crazy if I have nothing to read. How can an illiterate man share my love of books? No, I'm sorry. I need to have an intellectual connection with a man, and if he can't even read then there is no hope for that. (I know that illiteracy does not equal stupidity, but a grown man should have taken steps to fix the problem on his own already, if he valued the same things I do.)

 

[ladysaraii]

I'm agreed, it's a dealbreaker for me. Add in the previous two marriages and kids and it's def a no go for reasons that Bunny and LadyP stated

 

[ThickHair]

Yes it is and call me snooty all you want but marginally literate does not go great with a professional with a graduate degree, in my case.

He could be a side piece and will NEVER elevate above that.

 

[Bunny77]

Hey guys,

A friend of mine has met a guy who is appearing more and more to be functionally literate, meaning, can read small basic words but not too much else.

Is this a dealbreaker? I say yes but I am told I can be very picky, don't want to give bad advice to my friend

So basically, if a woman requires anything more than a working, uh, appendage these days, she's very picky.

Got it.

 

[glam-]

It would be a dealbreaker for me, because intellectual compatibility is important to me. Plus, I have a graduate degree in English. I really do love to read and discuss what I've read, etc., and I don't know if this guy could understand or relate to that.

I am sure he is a really nice guy, and there is probably a woman out there that is more compatible for him than I am. In this case, our values and interests just wouldn't align.

SO and I subscribe to the Word of the Day from M-W.com and Dictionary.com- and each morning we write to each other using the words of the day. It has become a really fun daily ritual, and it further develops our respective vocabularies. I never thought I would find a man I could do corny stuff like that with, but for someone like me it is a definite plus. And now words like lycanthropy pop up in our playful banter.

 

[ThickHair]

It would be a dealbreaker for me, because intellectual compatibility is important to me. Plus, I have a graduate degree in English. I really do love to read and discuss what I've read, etc., and I don't know if this guy could understand or relate to that.

I am sure he is a really nice guy, and there is probably a woman out there that is more compatible for him than I am. In this case, our values and interests just wouldn't align.

SO and I subscribe to the Word of the Day from M-W.com and Dictionary.com- and each morning we write to each other using the words of the day. It has become a really fun daily ritual, and it further develops our respective vocabularies. I never thought I would find a man I could do corny stuff like that with, but for someone like me it is a definite plus. And now words like lycanthropy pop up in our playful banter.

The older gentleman I was seeing had a gradute degree in English and we use to do the same. Except somehow we had to incorporate something erotic into our correspondence using the word of the day. Not dirty, just erotic.

 

[natural2008]

I found myself in the car with him one night writing down and explaining to him the difference between two, too and to.

Oooooooooooooooh girl see now why did you have to go there???

 

[Yen Oak]

marginally literate does not go great with a professional with a graduate degree, in my case.

What she said times ten. I'm in higher education and work closely with deans and the president of the university. Schmoozing at campus events with my boy barely able to communicate would not be a good look.

 

[YankeeCandle]

Devil's Advocate:

What if he were a recent immigrant who spoke other languages well but had "broken English [or "broken" whatever is the majority language of your country]?"

Deal or No Deal?

Talk amongst yourselves.

 

[ThickHair]

Devil's Advocate:

What if he were a recent immigrant who spoke other languages well but had "broken English [or "broken" whatever is the majority language of your country]?"

Deal or No Deal?

Talk amongst yourselves.

Some immigrants are literate and some aren't just like us natives. Usually people can tell the difference between a language barrier and someone who is marginally literate. If not, you might be the mariginally literate person.

In the words of Bill Engvall "Here's your sign".

 

[Seraphina]

Devil's Advocate:

What if he were a recent immigrant who spoke other languages well but had "broken English [or "broken" whatever is the majority language of your country]?"

Deal or No Deal?

Talk amongst yourselves.

The biggest difference to me here is that I require someone who is as intellectually curious as I am...which includes a lot of reading. I actually was with someone from another country for about a year and his English was decent at best. However, he had a great desire to learn and has a graduate degree from his country. I'm sorry, but I would have to question a person's drive and aspirations if he had not yet taken it upon himself to learn.

Also, I think for a lot of men, being with a woman who has greater intellect (for lack of a better term) than him is emasculating and a bruised male ego can cause problems in a relationship.

 

[sidney]

Now see, you have to think about your children too!!! I know someone who married a man that wasn't too literate and the child (now an adult) isn't very literate either.

 

[chocolat79]

Devil's Advocate:

What if he were a recent immigrant who spoke other languages well but had "broken English [or "broken" whatever is the majority language of your country]?"

Deal or No Deal?

Talk amongst yourselves.

Umm, personally it'd be no deal ONLY because I get aggravated quickly and hate having to repeat myself constantly (and I'm highly conversational), BUT, it's not the same thing, IMO as being functionally literate in your NATIVE language. A recent immigrant should be getting better by being around English on a regular basis and lots of immigrants TRY to improve their English, so it's just a matter of time before their English is improved.

 

[Filmatic]

It is for me. I tried twice( didn't get it the first time ). They were very good looking but when I had to explain the definitions of simple words to one and then break my speech down for the other, I knew it wasn't for me.

They were nice guys. One claimed to even have graduate from college. However, that equals them not being on the same level as me.

 

[aribell]

Well, I could see if a man had somehow had such poor education that he can barely read that as a grown man he might be too ashamed of the fact to go out and get help. Actually, I've heard more than once that adult illiteracy is much more common than people think--but the embarrasment of it keeps people silent.

Anyway, point being is that I wouldn't necessarily think poorly of him for it. But whether it's a dealbreaker depends on whether they still have common goals, enjoy one another's company, and complement one another well.

Devil's Advocate:

What if he were a recent immigrant who spoke other languages well but had "broken English [or "broken" whatever is the majority language of your country]?"

Deal or No Deal?

Talk amongst yourselves.

A friend of mine just married a man like this this past weekend. Oddly enough, he's a Ph.D student here, but still, has very poor English. Obviously, he's very smart though, and they have a lot in common. She just has to explain pronounciations, spellings, and idioms a lot. And anytime we play board games revolving around puns or wordplay, he can't really participate. But it works for them.

I don't know whether it would bother me. It would bother me if I felt I couldn't really communicate with this person.

 

[chocolat79]

To the OP, it'd be a dealbreaker. I'm more attracted to intellectual-minded individuals than not. I love to read and a marginally literate person more than likely doesn't, so we couldn't discuss good books/articles, etc. and like some other women mentioned, I also subscribe to the WOD's and try to use them. My friend and I used to hold a competition everyday to see who could come up with a word that the other had NEVER heard of before..it was quite challenging sometimes AND we had to make up a sentence..yeah, I'm a complete dork sometimes

I actually did "talk" to this guy (for a VERY short period of time) who just wasn't very intellectual and I'd use words that I didn't think were "big", and they weren't (e.g. plethora), but he'd always be like, "What does that mean?" Yeah, bro, we're not gonna work, if I can't throw in some of my wonderful words somtimes...but I digress.

 

[Prudent1]

Does he want to continue at this level, or would he up the game is she asked him to?

Well, before I answer that, I'll ask... what's his upside? Why is your friend attracted to him and what's he bringing to the table? Things that show he'd be a good partner who's financially stable and is a positive addition to her life?

I would prefer not to. Intelligence much like nice teeth, is something I find highly desirable in a man. I would have to ask the above questions and consider the overall picture but, I would prefer not to need to.

 

[chocolat79]

So basically, if a woman requires anything more than a working, uh, appendage these days, she's very picky.

Got it.

^^^^^ITA with you! I mean dang, now BW have to settle for someone who can barely read??!?! Sheesh..

 

[ladysaraii]

To the OP, it'd be a dealbreaker. I'm more attracted to intellectual-minded individuals than not. I love to read and a marginally literate person more than likely doesn't, so we couldn't discuss good books/articles, etc. and like some other women mentioned, I also subscribe to the WOD's and try to use them. My friend and I used to hold a competition everyday to see who come up a word that other had NEVER heard of before..it was quite challenging sometimes AND we had to make up a sentence..yeah, I'm a complete dork sometimes

I actually did "talk" to this guy (for a VERY short period of time) who just wasn't very intellectual and I'd use words that I didn't think were "big", and they weren't (e.g. plethora), but he'd always be like, "What does that mean?" Yeah, bro, we're not gonna work, if I can't throw in some of my wonderful words somtimes...but I digress.

Yeah I remember telling my ex about our house on the 'cul-de-sac' He got mad and was like 'you know I dont know what that mean!' Really, I'm supposed to change my vocab based off of what you might not know? You couldn't have just asked?

 

[Sasha299]

I would say it depends. I know some people who have issues reading who can speak more intelligently about world events than some very educated women I know. It depends. I think that many women tend to mistakenly feel that someone who does not have that paper in hand is not as intelligent as they are and as a result miss out on some very wonderful people.
My advice is it depends on what your friend can deal with and the full extent of her ego.