Daughter-in-law Versus My Spouse Drama

[Browndilocks]

There is absolutely nothing controlling about funding a trip in which one of the purposes was a planned photo shoot. That's like a bride buying your bridesmaid dress and then you show up to the wedding with something different. ***. Why accept the clothes then? My only question is why didn't you say anything right then and there?

This obviously meant more to your DH than perceived because he actually cried about it. The stakes are high for him and rightfully so, considering his illness. This was a one-time thing that needed one-time cooperation. That's definitely not too much to ask.

Whether it's the DS or DIL I would do the same thing as your husband. I also would not be tip toeing around their entitled egos when it comes to the grandkids and my own daggone money. Wish them good luck at finding someone to watch their kids for more than half a vacation.

I'd be at the right hand side of my husband without an ounce of care about who gets mad because of who I allow into my hard earned pockets. Trust- your grandkids will also carry the same attitude as their parents.

Plus your family doesn't have to know everything. Keep your finances private. Your kids will have you heartbroken, broke, dead and everything in between. Do what you have to do and let yalls will do the talking when you're gone. Your mind is on the wrong thing OP. Stand by your man and live your empty nest life. He's obviously the one who needs the emotional support right now. Forsake all others.

 

[Transformer]

Your kids will have you heartbroken, broke, dead and everything in between.

This is SO TRUE. DH is heartbroken and I don't know when his heart will heal. I'm going to do a stand down on any financial issues for the foreseeable future.

By the way, the discussion with financial advisor was whether to pull back from the market and then buy back in based on predictive analysis.

 

[MamaBear2012]

I hope you all do communicate and get to the bottom of what happened. I won't call DIL selfish because we really do only have one side of this story. We have no real idea of family dynamics. Or what the day-to-day looks like. The way that this played out shows that communication doesn't easily flow. I'm going to assume that neither one of them did this to spite you and then said, "Hey, watch the kids. We're going to finish enjoying this vacation. Bye!" If you feel that they don't appreciate you, then again, this is a communication issue. That should have been addressed a long time ago.

I do love your commitment to your grandkids, @Transformer, but I know that money can taint the best relationships. Especially where communication lacks. It's why so many divorces point back to finances. While I joke about wanting you to adopt me, I do think that providing money for the kid's schooling, their art, this trip, etc. creates unspoken expectations that may not be agreed upon by both parties. It's assumed.

I'm really trying to think of this as a DIL (because I am a DIL). This money seems really important to you guys as evidenced by DH's reaction. To me, it's telling that this was his reaction. It's as if DS is still a child. He didn't do what I wanted so I'm taking his PlayStation/the phone I pay for/etc.

My FIL recently passed away. My MIL is a millionaire. We went to visit her this summer because she was having some issues, and when she was confronted about her problems, she told DH and my BIL that she was writing them out of her will. That was her go-to response. If your son and DIL are anything like me, I was like,"Ummm...cool" (Kanye shrug). Both my SIL and I are SAHMs. We live well and don't need her money. She's the one that has built up in her head that this is the way to "stick it to 'em." SIL and I actually had a good chuckle about it. When in reality, I want her to use her money for her medical care and housing as she ages.

You said DS makes good money and he saves it. Pull back on how you help financially. I think it will change your expectations. If you still want money set aside for the grandkids, do that and then go create some amazing memories with your husband.

 

[michelle81]

@Transformer I can't remember if I read it or not, but I'm wondering why your husband just didn't ask your son to go change for a few pics and then can change back. Shows a lack of respect on your son's part and possibly a lack of communication on your DH's part. My guess is that you all don't have "that type" of relationship with your son which is an even larger problem, IMO.
Kind of sounds like you and your hubby are scared to ruffle feathers in fear of less time with the grands? I think you've mentioned something similar in a past thread.
I know you love to give to your children and grands (I'm a natural giver as well), but I have finally learned that there are lots of people out here that will keep taking til you are on your last dime and will keep it moving - close family included.

Either way, maybe finding a really good family counselor?

 

[Transformer]

I can't remember if I read it or not, but I'm wondering why your husband just didn't ask your son to go change for a few pics and then can change back.

It was the setting and Hubby would never say anything about dress for the photos because I was handling everything. Hubby is also not the confrontational at the moment type....he’s the more let me reflect on this and I will get back with you. Neither one of us would ever make a scene in a public place....where we met the photographer.

Things had been so stressful, I decided to control my reactions and not the actions of other. We were also on a TIMED clock with the photographer and it was let’s do this and make the best of it. I was like oh well, things don’t always go exactly as you planned....deal.

Also in the back of my mind I was saying to son....this is what you do on our special moment....noted.

 

[michelle81]

^^
I can see your point about being on a timed schedule and not wanting to cause a scene. With the amount of cash already out-layed for the trip/photographer I personally think I would have taken my loss on losing more cash while they went to change clothes, again just my opinion.
I have a college kid, she's not married and I know that changes things as it should. I'm trying to think through how this situation would have played out with her. I probably would have pulled her to the side and asked her to change for the formal pics then can change back for casual pics. I'm thinking she would have done it without much talk if any. Then again, that's where I mentioned there's some respect and lack of communication missing if that simple conversation would have caused a scene.
I think the only reason my kid would have showed up in a crop top to formal pics would have been a misunderstanding on her part, we would have laughed it off while she changed and probably had one formal pic done of her in the crop top/cut off shorts to laugh at years later (kind of a "seriously, this kid showed up in formal pics like this", we had to take a pic because it was that funny - but these are the real ones after she changed).

A scene over something like this would be something I would expect out of a mouthy teen, not a 30 - something married father. Again my opinion, but all of these little things are symptomatic of a much, much, much larger elephant in the room.

 

[Makenzie]

Your son and DIL are selfish. No matter what the backstory is, they are selfish. They KNEW this was a celebratory occasion (it replaced your anniversary trip) with a somber undertone due to your husbands illness. They.knew.this!

Even if they felt 'controlled' this is the moment they choose to assert themselves? Moments that will be documented for the rest of your husbands life? They had no problem letting you pay the cost of the trip for their FAMILY to go, but now they want to take a stand? They never put in their two cents when colors and styles were being arranged for the photo shoot. Of course there is a backstory, however, their actions show how much concern they have for you and husbands feelings.

I don't get the people who are calling you controlling. You had a vision of what you wanted the photos to look like. Months of planning went into this that they were aware of. No surprises. Mature grown children speak up. If they didn't like the choices, speak up. Critical thinking was obviously missed here. If they wanted to replace the clothing, fine, but again critical thinking, and some freaking consideration, would cause a person to choose items they know would go with the style of the photo shoot they agreed to participate in.

Anyway, focus on making your hubby as comfortable as possible. The grandkids should not be penalized, but that wouldn't be my concern right now. My husband would.

Taking care of a loved one who is ill is extremely stressful. The trip sounded like a nice way to get some quality family time together. I would have had words with son and DIL after the shoot.

 

[michelle81]

I also have to think about it from my perspective as an adult child. My dad is in not the best of health. If my parents requested we all show up and wear XYZ, I'll be there with that on like it or not. My only other option would be to talk about it before-hand to see if she can approve something else for me to wear.
And my parents provide zero financial support, your son definitely feels entitled. I can't speak much on your DIL, since I usually agree on handling issues within the bloodline - then your DS can talk to his wife.

 

[Transformer]

The biggest difference between peace and stress on an average day is attitude. It’s all about how you look at a situation and what you decide to do with it. It’s remembering that there are no certainties in life; we don’t know exactly what the future will bring. So, your best strategy for living is to make the best and most positive use of the present moment, even when it’s far from perfect…

Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

[scoobygirl]

OP there were several concerning points in your original story and updates throughout the thread. But the overall feeling I'm getting is your family is having a communication breakdown and money is used as a manipulation tool by both sides.

So if you remove money completely from the situation (like if you had none to give, and they were multi millionaires) would you still want to spend time together as a family, would your dynamics be the same? Could you all love and respect each other if money was a non-factor.

I do agree that your DIL should have worn what was asked even if only to make you all happy for this moment. The initial planning did seem a bit much, and honestly this much drama on a family trip does not sound like something I would willingly sign up for. But I think this is were communication is key. If your son and DIL showed dressed inappropriately, you should have stopped the session and let them know right then and there what the expectations were. Tell them how much these pics mean to you and your husband and it would mean so much if they could go back and change into what you had originally planned.

And as an olive branch, let them know they can wear their "fun clothes" in a separate photo shoot also covered in the session.

I think there is a lot more going on between your son & DIL that is not being addressed. There seems to be some latent resentment and passive aggressive behavior that is in response to something unspoken between you all. I hope you can clear the air and become stronger from it.

 

[michelle81]

OP there were several concerning points in your original story and updates throughout the thread. But the overall feeling I'm getting is your family is having a communication breakdown and money is used as a manipulation tool by both sides.

To the highlighted, money as well as time and access to the children as well from what I'm getting. On both sides.

 

[scoobygirl]

To the highlighted, money as well as time and access to the children as well from what I'm getting. On both sides.

If it's not there yet, it's certainly headed that way. Once battle lines start being drawn there will be no winners, and I think the grandkids will be hurt the most.

 

[Farida]

I haven’t read all the replies but I wish all of y’all well.

My family is so low-drama that it is hard for me to understand the beef. On the other hand DH’s family gets crazy about this kind of thing. And my drama-free relative who is stage 4 also surprised me by being so hurt. I say do whatever you can to placate the ill and also the ones paying. Everyone else can arrange photoshoots and edits they prefer.

 

[intellectualuva]

Sorry to hear about your husband OP. It's awful his feelings are hurt and he cant communicate to his son that this is bigger than the calling an audible on the photos, but the fact he feels both of them are way more accommodating to one set of grandparents of you all. He feels he doesnt ask for much.

I hope you all are able.to go through it. As for DIL, even if her husband wanted her in something more sexy, I wouldve said I will change into later. No way would I have gone through the effort of dealing with a persona shopper, picking 1 of 3 out (AFTER giving the shopper my options) and trying on the outfit only to not wear it. Just no way. It seems counterintuitive. Oh well. I wouldn't punish the grandkids, but maybe your husband needs a break while he processes his feelings. On the other side of that, I hope they can all talk and be open.

 

[Evolving78]

Ya’ll will put up with a lot for money and trips. Yep I said..

 

[FemmeFatale]

As a DIL, I would’ve been way more sensitive to the fact that this was a special photoshoot for my FIL who is very ill and mindful that you both covered the expenses.

From the outside looking in, it seems petty that the grandkids are being affected but I don’t know what mind state I’d be in if I were gravely ill and was hurt by my ingrate kid and his wife..knowing me, I’d probably cuss all of them out

 

[nyeredzi]

you guys sound like you're afraid to talk to one another. So nobody knows what DS said to DIL. I get a feeling you all didn't say explicitly to DS *and DIL how important it was for all outfits to match, no one said anything when DS and DIL came out in the clothes that ticked you off. When people are scared to communicate, stuff like this is bound to happen.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Ya’ll will put up with a lot for money and trips. Yep I said..

Don’t forget about severely ill aged parents.

 

[intellectualuva]

Ya’ll will put up with a lot for money and trips. Yep I said..

So you've never been asked to wear a family reunion shirt, party shirt, bridesmaid dress, company shirt for an event....anything you were asked to get on one accord for?

I swear you sound like my family member who is a contrarian about everything. This time its cause "they grown" and fussing about a 5 dollar shirt because they didn't like the color (like for real who cares, wear it, smile for the photo and burn it later why do you need to die on THIS particular hill and be a jerk). I swear sometimes it's not even about flexing but just about doing something because your family member, especially an older or infirm relative asked you to do it.

I've paid for entire trips and still wore or done something I wasnt keen on doing, but the group decided or even an individual leading the group decided and it wouldn't KILL me to go along. So yes even if I paid to go on my parents vacation and they wanted me to wear some dress that I had options to choose from to coordinate with them, it's really not a big deal.

It can get so annoying sometimes dealing with certain personalities who simply cant get on code because (insert some exaggerated reasons here.)

 

[Evolving78]

Don’t forget about severely ill aged parents.

I’m not seduced by that, so that won’t work on me.

 

[Evolving78]

So you've never been asked to wear a family reunion shirt, party shirt, bridesmaid dress, company shirt for an event....anything you were asked to get on one accord for?

I swear you sound like my family member who is a contrarian about everything. This time its cause "they grown" and fussing about a 5 dollar shirt because they didn't like the color (like for real who cares, wear it, smile for the photo and burn it later why do you need to die on THIS particular hill and be a jerk). I swear sometimes it's not even about flexing but just about doing something because your family member, especially an older or infirm relative asked you to do it.

I've paid for entire trips and still wore or done something I wasnt keen on doing, but the group decided or even an individual leading the group decided and it wouldn't KILL me to go along. So yes even if I paid to go on my parents vacation and they wanted me to wear some dress that I had options to choose from to coordinate with them, it's really not a big deal.

It can get so annoying sometimes dealing with certain personalities who simply cant get on code because (insert some exaggerated reasons here.)

If I don’t agree with something, then I don’t participate. And people like to play on folks emotions, and not deal in facts, so all of what you are saying won’t work. Like I said ya’ll like money and trips and you will take one for the team for it.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I’m not seduced by that, so that won’t work on me.

It’s not about being seduced. Go check out the motherless daughters thread. It may be provide insight to an angle of this situation that you’re not considering.

 

[Evolving78]

It’s not about being seduced. Go check out the motherless daughters thread. It may be provide insight to an angle of this situation that you’re not considering.

Nope that won’t work either. I don’t live in a bubble. I have a heart, and that’s why I stated my opinion based on how the story was “presented”. And a lot of people in this thread stated what they would tolerate, or go through in order to get money, clothes, and free trips.

 

[Reinventing21]

"Put up with all of that"? "Taking a stand"? "Not seduced by"??!!!

First: Put up with all of what? Wearing an outfit you didn' t have to pay for? An outfit YOU picked out with the help of a personal shopper that you didn't have to pay for? To go on a free trip to a beautiful location to celebrate something that was not about you only? To participate in a photo shoot that was not about you only and you didn' t have to pay for? To have free babysitters for your kids so you can freely enjoy a romantic night out with your spouse in a beautiful place that you didn't have to pay for?

Second: A stand? Neither DS nor possibly DIL took anything remotely like a stand. Taking a stand would have been saying from jump he/they did not want to participate / go on the trip because they felt there were too many 'stipilations'. Taking a stand would have been saying from jump what kind of clothes they wanted / intended to wear. What they did do though was very cowardly, immature and passive aggressive. There are themed events all the time. No one forced them to participate.

Third: I do not know if that last phrase @Evolving78 is coming from a place of hurt or past experiences. Yes, some people will manipulate others with their illness BUT time comes for everyone and no one is perfect. Imagine you are that person, feeling vulnerable and wanting some lasts you want to experience with your loved ones before you can't anymore. In the case of the OP DS especially does not seem to know how lucky/blessed he has been.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Nope that won’t work either. I don’t live in a bubble. I have a heart, and that’s why I stated my opinion based on how the story was “presented”. And a lot of people in this thread stated what they would tolerate, or go through in order to get money, clothes, and free trips.

The entire reason for the pictures, free trip and estate planning is because of the OP’s husbands diagnosis. The diagnosis that his son knew about and still pulled and encouraged these silly shenanigans over.

I’m trying to be sensitive to the OP because she’s a nice lady but some of y’all ain’t getting that this was a last request for a man to immortalize a proud family moment and the son and DIL **** on it.

 

[Evolving78]

The entire reason for the pictures, free trip and estate planning is because of the OP’s husbands diagnosis. The diagnosis that his son knew about and still pulled and encouraged these silly shenanigans over.

I’m trying to be sensitive to the OP because she’s a nice lady but some of y’all ain’t getting that this was a last request for a man to immortalize a proud family moment and the son and DIL **** on it.

I get that and that’s why I let her know that I respected her. I stand by that. But there sounds like unresolved issues that a picture can’t fix. Pictures fade. That is something being done on the outside and not working on the inside. The inside is what needs to be addressed and healed.

 

[intellectualuva]

You're focusing on free trips and clothes like I or several women in this thread haven't said we've done similar for family or friends and there were no goodies or freebies. For some people it's simply about doing something with the family or friends and we didnt need to be seduced by anything to be accommodating.

You seem to be pushing back extra hard insisting folks need carrots and trinkets to do stuff for others simply because you think the OP or her husband are using said tactics to get her son and DIL to do whatever it is they want. As you stated, they may or may not be financially abusive, but what we do know is that for many folks wearing a shirt or dress whatever is coordinated for a family event isnt a big enough deal to rebel against EVEN if you're paying for said items and trips or whatever yourself. I'm wearing a oddly shaped purple tshirt for a family christmas gathering photo. Imma likely look like a crown royal bag in that sucka and I'm paying for my flight, hotel etc. Its what our 100 year old granny wants so I'm going to do it.....then change into what I prefer ASAP.

Meh. I don't see why the focus is on who paid for what (as it only adds context that they were asked and it's not like they had to pay for something they hated like you would a bridesmaids dress or this grape koolaid shirt ..lol), rather than a small thing was asked and wasn't done. But most importantly the question was how to help her husband manage his hurt feelings and reactions without going back on what OP wants for the GK because it doesnt even seem OP was nearly as upset about it as her husband.

 

[mrselle]

Wow.....this thread has taken an interesting turn.

I still believe that there is quite a bit going on beneath the surface. The events surrounding the family picture is just a symptom of a much deeper issue that probably goes all the way back to the son's childhood (as the OP implied several posts back). I think the son and DIL underestimated the importance/value of the family pictures to the OP and her husband. Maybe it was by choice or just sheer ignorance, but I don't think they were using the moment as an opportunity to flex. I think that when a person always has things handed to them on a silver platter they may take important moments for granted because everything is always grand, everything is always over-the-top, everything is always the best of the best.

I'm curious to know how much your DS and DIL know about your husband's condition and what talks, if any, have been had with them to prepare for the future. I think if you and your husband are straightforward, no beating around the bush, then that will open the door for more open, honest communication. It will also give DS and DIL a choice of whether or not they want to take part in things going forward. This is such a delicate time with the illness and the holidays right around the corner. It would be a shame to spend this time at odds with one another when the healing can begin with just one conversation.

 

[SimplyWhole]

This right here is word!

There is absolutely nothing controlling about funding a trip in which one of the purposes was a planned photo shoot. That's like a bride buying your bridesmaid dress and then you show up to the wedding with something different. ***. Why accept the clothes then? My only question is why didn't you say anything right then and there?

This obviously meant more to your DH than perceived because he actually cried about it. The stakes are high for him and rightfully so, considering his illness. This was a one-time thing that needed one-time cooperation. That's definitely not too much to ask.

Whether it's the DS or DIL I would do the same thing as your husband. I also would not be tip toeing around their entitled egos when it comes to the grandkids and my own daggone money. Wish them good luck at finding someone to watch their kids for more than half a vacation.

I'd be at the right hand side of my husband without an ounce of care about who gets mad because of who I allow into my hard earned pockets. Trust- your grandkids will also carry the same attitude as their parents.

Plus your family doesn't have to know everything. Keep your finances private. Your kids will have you heartbroken, broke, dead and everything in between. Do what you have to do and let yalls will do the talking when you're gone. Your mind is on the wrong thing OP. Stand by your man and live your empty nest life. He's obviously the one who needs the emotional support right now. Forsake all others.

 

[Evolving78]

You're focusing on free trips and clothes like I or several women in this thread haven't said we've done similar for family or friends and there were no goodies or freebies. For some people it's simply about doing something with the family or friends and we didnt need to be seduced by anything to be accommodating.

You seem to be pushing back extra hard insisting folks need carrots and trinkets to do stuff for others simply because you think the OP or her husband are using said tactics to get her son and DIL to do whatever it is they want. As you stated, they may or may not be financially abusive, but what we do know is that for many folks wearing a shirt or dress whatever is coordinated for a family event isnt a big enough deal to rebel against EVEN if you're paying for said items and trips or whatever yourself. I'm wearing a oddly shaped purple tshirt for a family christmas gathering photo. Imma likely look like a crown royal bag in that sucka and I'm paying for my flight, hotel etc. Its what our 100 year old granny wants so I'm going to do it.....then change into what I prefer ASAP.

Meh. I don't see why the focus is on who paid for what (as it only adds context that they were asked and it's not like they had to pay for something they hated like you would a bridesmaids dress or this grape koolaid shirt ..lol), rather than a small thing was asked and wasn't done. But most importantly the question was how to help her husband manage his hurt feelings and reactions without going back on what OP wants for the GK because it doesnt even seem OP was nearly as upset about it as her husband.

No you don’t do things you don’t want to do for the sake of. You address issues and heal to move forward. If not the pictures, it will be something else. And I addressed issues from the past (I said from the jump). Those grandchildren and the grandparents support are the Trump cards everyone is trying to use to their advantage. You can’t fix it with a picture. You can’t fix it with a trip. A stand was taken and that should be the starting point to get down to the bottom of things, so that sympathy card you keep trying to throw my way won’t work. If that’s how you roll, so be it, but I am not seduced by it.