Daughter-in-law Versus My Spouse Drama

sarumoki said:
First and foremost I am sorry to hear about your husband's illness.

That said, is this the same DIL that you've posted about before? Because if so I'm inclined to agree with your husband. It sounds like she was going to wear what she wanted to wear no matter what and I think, all things considered, even if she didn't like what the shopper chose she could have worn it for the photo shoot and then changed.
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I wouldn't want to have pictures of me in an outfit I didn't like. That would make me uncomfortable. I also wouldn't have worn a bodycon dress if my tummy wasn't ready for it, but to each her own I guess. DIL's decisions would make more sense to me if she wore an outfit that she looked good in and she was happy with how she looked in the pictures.

Also, we don't know what kind of discussion DS had with DIL. He could have told her to just wear what she wanted, or to not say anything to you about the clothes in order to spare your feelings. Who knows.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
I wouldn't want to have pictures of me in an outfit I didn't like. That would make me uncomfortable. I also wouldn't have worn a bodycon dress if my tummy wasn't ready for it, but to each her own I guess. DIL's decisions would make more sense to me if she wore an outfit that she looked good in and she was happy with how she looked in the pictures.

Also, we don't know what kind of discussion DS had with DIL. He could have told her to just wear what she wanted, or to not say anything to you about the clothes in order to spare your feelings. Who knows.
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I'd agree with you, except for 1.) she was given the receipt to exchange whatever she didn't like and 2.) instead of doing that she kept the outfit, brought it on the trip, and still wore something else.
 
Transformer said:
She didn’t return them. They were packed and brought to the resort and she could have mentioned it before the shoot began at 6pm. I have no idea why the two of them decided on a wardrobe change the day of the shoot. There would have been less tension if we had known belly baring wear was going to make an appearance.

I consider their actions insensitive but hubby is treating it as an indicator of their lack of respect for us.
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I’m going to be brutally honest and just say it... Ya’ll (you and DH) are very controlling. It’s been that way from jump. The son needs to leave and cleave to his wife. But they seem somewhat codependent with you and your husband, so a lot of “your kindness” is tolerated. Can you imagine another grown woman telling you what to wear and picked out clothes for you? They took a stand. Hopefully everybody will get the hint.
 
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Tell DH that karma worked and DIL looks bad in the pictures. I'd laugh and shake my head every time I saw the pictures.

I like the pettiness with the cable password too lol.

Evolving78 said:
I’m going to be brutally honest and just say it... Ya’ll (you and DH) are very controlling. It’s been that way from jump. The son needs to leave and cleave to his wife. But they seem somewhat codependent with you and your husband, so a lot of “your kindness” is tolerated. Can you imagine another grown woman telling you what to wear and picked out clothes for you? They took a stand. Hopefully everybody will get the hint.
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I think that a reasonable person could tolerate it for one picture session though (during a free trip no less!). I mean, is that any different than what brides ask of their bridesmaids? They ask a lot more for a wedding. A quick photo session then changing back into street clothes is something you can do for your elders. If you don't like the outfits, just display the pic in the kid's room or something or don't display it at all.
I hate group shirts but I wear the family reunion shirt on picture day during the reunion, like everyone else. :lachen:
 
Evolving78 said:
I’m going to be brutally honest and just say it... Ya’ll (you and DH) are very controlling. It’s been that way from jump. The son needs to leave and cleave to his wife. But they seem somewhat codependent with you and your husband, so a lot of “your kindness” is tolerated. Can you imagine another grown woman telling you what to wear and picked out clothes for you? They took a stand. Hopefully everybody will get the hint.
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Glad always to hear another viewpoint. But controlling in this case would have been...."you can't be in any picture until you change your outfit." Instead she has about 35 pictures of only her core family in her outfits of choice. I also will not be responsible for an adult selecting items she doesn't want. As I recall she had three choices for each setting. DD didn't agree with any of the shoppers' initial selection for her and the shopper then selected other items. Because they are on commission they will sometimes present the most expensive item whether it's your style or not.

My directions for me were simple--it's going to be hot as hell and I favor linen...."I know it is at the end of the season but select a linen weight that is not sheer." DD told her to "bring on the drama." DIL said she liked "short dresses".
 
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@Transformer - I hate to hear about your husband's illness. And I especially hate to hear that he cried about this. I agree with another poster about his illness making his reactions more extreme. But that's ok. He has the right to be upset. I would listen to him and go along with his wishes. He may cool down and then you can make new decisions.

At this point, I think that all you can do is be honest. Talk to DS and DIL and tell them why it upset DH (and you). Let them know that this photo shoot and the trip was special to you and see if they have a reason why they switched outfits at the last minute. Ask them specifically. If they give you a "We didn't think it was that important" then ask them why they waited until the last minute to come out with different clothing although you were previously discussing the clothing for the grandkids. Don't ask it defensively. Just ask the question to gain understanding. Because it could be like someone else mentioned, that DIL thinks you control too much and she was "putting her foot down." You don't know unless you ask.

Sidenote: When y'all write them off, can you adopt me?
 
Somebody gives you a FREE trip and ask you to take FREE photos in a FREE outfit for pictures that you don’t even have to hang in your own house if you don’t like them, and it’s a huge deal to wear the outfit? Annnnndddd you know it’s anniversary family pictures for a very sick man?

Sorry, that’s ungrateful and stupid.
 
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sarumoki said:
I'd agree with you, except for 1.) she was given the receipt to exchange whatever she didn't like and 2.) instead of doing that she kept the outfit, brought it on the trip, and still wore something else.
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Maybe she didn't feel the need to exchange it if she already had a dress she wanted to wear?

Like I said I don't totally understand DIL bc she ended up wearing a dress that made her look fat, so what was the point? I do know that I would not want anyone else dressing me for family photos, but she had access to a shopper at Nordstrom so I don't understand why she didn't just get something else?

I don't agree that she should have worn the dress even if she didn't like it, but I don't get why she didn't exchange it.
 
It sounds like the pictures you guys got with your grandchildren were beautiful, so that is great news. I hope your DH lets this go, he doesn't need to be carrying this energy, it will only hurt him and your son's family. You have always come across as a very loving wife and I know you'll support him through this. I think you should have a break away somewhere (if his illness allows)- just the two of you :)
 
cam2717 said:
@Transformer - How was she for the rest of the trip? Did it seem like she wanted to be there? Was she having fun?
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She thoroughly enjoyed it although the preparation and traveling with kids were tiring. We all traveled separately. We stayed for seven days and we had the kids overnight for four of the seven nights so they could go out on the town---a perfect place for the spandex dress. The photo shoot was on the 3rd evening.
 
Transformer said:
Glad always to hear another viewpoint. But controlling in this case would have been...."you can't be in any picture until you change your outfit." Instead she has about 35 pictures of only her core family in her outfits of choice. I also will not be responsible for an adult selecting items she doesn't want. As I recall she had three choices for each setting. DD didn't agree with any of the shoppers' initial selection for her and the shopper then selected other items. Because they are on commission they will sometimes present the most expensive item whether it's your style or not.

My directions for me were simple--it's going to be hot as hell and I favor linen...."I know it is at the end of the season but select a linen weight that is not sheer." DD told her to "bring on the drama." DIL said she liked "short dresses".
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You controlled the situation. You and your husband wanted to present a certain image regarding this family portait and it failed. You were being “nice” by giving her options, but you were still in control. You wanted it done and to look a certain way. I believe you and your husband constantly cross parental/martial boundaries in what appears to look like ya’ll are just trying to be supportive. It seems this DIL hasn’t been fully accepted, and ya’ll are disappointed in the spousal choice your son has made. I could be wrong, but it could be something to further explore.
 
Evolving78 said:
You and your husband wanted to present a certain image regarding this family portait and it failed.
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No, I wanted to ensure that we were all at the same place and a person wasn’t photoshopped into the photo....hence 6 folks with no shoes and one person in stilettos....but they are interesting photos.

Hubby didn’t want to be uncomfortable maybe having to touch the naked waist area of a female....he’s like that and he’s unapologetic about it.
 
Dee-Licious said:
Somebody gives you a FREE trip and ask you to take FREE photos in a FREE outfit for pictures that you don’t even have to hang in your own house if you don’t like them, and it’s a huge deal to wear the outfit? Annnnndddd you know it’s anniversary family pictures for a very sick man?

Sorry, that’s ungrateful and stupid.
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If I had been in DILs shoes, I wouldve worn a potato sack dress if I had to... seeing how special this was to my in laws.
 
Evolving78 said:
Exactly. They are codependent on them and they need to gain some financial independence. Everybody is flexing when it suits their agenda.
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Not in the least. You know what’s funny, DS makes more than Hubby.....he just saves his money and feels we don’t need ours.

I’m the one concerned about the transfer of wealth to future generations. I guess I need to drop that attitude.
 
Transformer said:
No, I wanted to ensure that we were all at the same place and a person wasn’t photoshopped into the photo....hence 6 folks with no shoes and one person in stilettos....but they are interesting photos.

Hubby didn’t want to be uncomfortable maybe having to touch the naked waist area of a female....he’s like that and he’s unapologetic about it.
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I don’t want you to take what I’m saying the wrong way. I understand where you are coming from. I understand your husband’s point of view as well. Just think about what I said. I’m saying it in love. I respect you and don’t want to offend you. Just hear me out. It may be wrong, it may not. Have a talk with the kids and see how they feel.
 
Transformer said:
Not in the least. You know what’s funny, DS makes more than Hubby.....he just saves his money and feels we don’t need ours.

I’m the one concerned about the transfer of wealth to future generations. I guess I need to drop that attitude.
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I know you are greatly concerned about the wellbeing of your grand babies. Most black grandmothers/mothers don’t give that much thought. Fallback and see how it goes.
 
Evolving78 said:
I don’t want you to take what I’m saying the wrong way. I understand where you are coming from. I understand your husband’s point of view as well. Just think about what I said. I’m saying it in love. I respect you and don’t want to offend you. Just hear me out. It may be wrong, it may not. Have a talk with the kids and see how they feel.
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No offense...that’s not me. Yeah I like for the clothing to fit into shot. We wanted to fit into the native scenery, not make it appear we were teleported into it. I wouldn’t have selected DD’s dress but she was covered.

DIL and DS as adults exercised their options, Hubby is offended....it is what it is. But in my opinion it was the wrong option because everyone was well aware of expectations before they boarded the plane.
 
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At the end of that three hour photo shoot, the photographer asked....”would anyone like to take different photos...any place else”. In my opinion that would have been a great time for her/son private photo shoot while we were still covering the cost.

The photographer would have taken bedroom shots if they had requested them.
 
I can imagine its frustrating to not get the picture you wanted, and that your children didn't seem to grasp why this was so important. I would say, looking to the future, that you would get most benefit from a proper and full conversation with your son and DIL. They should understand why your DH is upset and what they could have done differently to avoid it. Equally you need to understand why they didn't wear the right clothing - I can't imagine that blatant contrariness came into it at all, and I suspect it is due to a misunderstanding in what was expected.

Whatever the outcome, limiting the collegiate future of your grandchildren because your children didn't wear the right clothes in a picture seems like a spectacularly self defeating action. Not to mention somewhat controlling.

Had you never planned for that money to go to them, then reallocating is absolutely appropriate. However, if it was a set plan, then this is a punishment, and I really do not agree that you should be punishing grown (married) adults. If you want an adult relationship, then you need to treat them like adults.

An example of this is the suggestion of displaying an unflattering photo of your DIL - it is unkind and unnecessary; added to this it doesn't achieve anything.

Correct me if I am wrong but there seems to be something unsaid regarding your DIL, the undertone being that you and DH do not like her. From what I read, both your son and his wife did not adhere to the dress code, yet your son's choice of cut shorts has only been mentioned once in the OP but your DIL has received quite the dragging. From her crop tops, to her "pokey" belly and spandex dresses, it just feels to me like it's more than just about what she wore. Added to this, DS got a request to change his shirt, DIL did not,which likely implied to her that, at the time, her outfit was acceptable.

There have been a number of replies also stating that your having paid for their trip means that they should align to whatever is demanded. I would disagree with this line of thought, as any expectations of behaviour should absolutely be confirmed up front, to allow a decision as to whether or not the price is bearable. When the price is obscured, or presented as being negotiable (as in this case - they should wear the clothes you bought) there should be no surprise that there were competing outcomes. I would also say that a gift should have no hidden strings. If the price was to wear a dress ad stand for a picture, make that unmissable when inviting them so that there is no confusion as to what you expect.

It seems to me for your DS and DIL this was just a nice family picture, which they complied with; whereas for you it was a specific sort of picture, complete with outfits and poses.
 
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