Transformer
Well-Known Member
First this isn't intended to be a DIL bashing thread so I hope this thread doesn't go there. I''m hoping that all the DILs and psychologists here can help me resolve this issue.
This really isn't so much about my DIL as it is my son/DIL family dynamics versus us. This has become an issue with DH because he doesn't see me as fully supporting his "attitude" toward the pair. I need to issue a caveat....my husband is ill and therefore his emotions are highly sensitive but I can't say that to him.
After husband's diagnosis I planned/covered a family trip out of the country for all of us. As a group we have never taken family photos so I arranged to have a photo session with a local photographer (referral) two months in advance. The focus of the session was for the grandparents to take photos with the grandkids....anyone else was fine but not necessary (just joking). I let my DIL help decide on a color scheme and she herself stated that we should use my favorite colors....they were not my original choice but it didn't take long for me to be persuaded. Doing the two months planning for the trip/photo session, I enlisted a personal shopper to select clothes for EVERYONE. In fact the personal shopper took pictures of all the intended items before purchase and sent to me which I forwarded to her.
The clothes for DS/DIL/GKs were purchased and provided to my DIL with the receipt. I told her if there were ANYTHING she didn't like she could take it back to Nordstrom's ...this was done at least three weeks before the trip. For the formal setting, all the ladies were to be dressed in white dresses (except for granddaughter which would provide a pop of color to the pictures according to the photographer). My dress was a floor length linen, my daughter's was a high/low dress, and DIL was a mini dress which is the correct length for her -but not the body-con style she prefers. DIL is a size 2-4 and while she has lost the vast majority of her baby weight her abs aren't quite back to pre-baby, this was MY consideration which I discussed with the personal shopper our styles.
Well as you can probably guess on the day of the shoot, DIL and son decided to dress in something totally differently. For the informal scenes they had on cut off shorts and she was wearing a belly showing crop top. They packed the clothes orignally purchased. I was not pleased and I did ask my son to change shirts because his shirt color selection conflicted with color theory (nobody was matchy-matchy). I did not ask my DIL to change. The formal scene--yep you guessed it here's comes a bodycon dress. This meant everyone was dressed in dressy "resort wear" and DIL was dressed for the nightclub. Yes, she has since complained that the pictures reveal her"pokey" belly.
HUBBY WAS PISSED. That night while alone at dinner he started crying. He said, " All they had to do were wear the %^$# clothes....that's all!. That's the only thing we asked." I tried to console him and explain that she wanted to show off her weight loss and that DS rather offend us that her. He wasn't having it. I'm looking at it as at a mental time and place thing. Hubby is looking at it as both of them were not concerned with our feelings especially since EVERYONE knew the pictures/memory book was really for hubby. He said she never would have done this to her parents, and that we really do too much for this kind of treatment.
I'm in the process of tying up some last estate planning issues and hubby is still mad. Therefore he's is not agreeing with decisions on minor assets to the GRANDCHILDREN. Example, we purchased Savings Bonds for 25 years and they are just put away forgotten. I suggested that we now direct them to the grandkids....in fact they could pay in full for a 529??? college plan. He said,"%^$# naw, I'm gonna spend my money and I want you to stop funding their investment accounts. WE"RE now not going to do....." I told him he is just being revengeful for something the grandkids are not responsible.
Now we are tip-toeing around each other. I could do everything behind his back because he doesn't concern himself with investments but I still want to make him feel that he is apart of all marriage decisions. At midnight last night I was on the phone with our investment advisor who lives in Denver....he knew about the phone call but refused to ask what actions I took. This morning he was argumentative about minor things like when to call the wildlife folks to get the bees out of the attic which is really major --he's allergic, I'm not. He is still just so mad.
Any ideas on how to make peace with everyone?
This really isn't so much about my DIL as it is my son/DIL family dynamics versus us. This has become an issue with DH because he doesn't see me as fully supporting his "attitude" toward the pair. I need to issue a caveat....my husband is ill and therefore his emotions are highly sensitive but I can't say that to him.
After husband's diagnosis I planned/covered a family trip out of the country for all of us. As a group we have never taken family photos so I arranged to have a photo session with a local photographer (referral) two months in advance. The focus of the session was for the grandparents to take photos with the grandkids....anyone else was fine but not necessary (just joking). I let my DIL help decide on a color scheme and she herself stated that we should use my favorite colors....they were not my original choice but it didn't take long for me to be persuaded. Doing the two months planning for the trip/photo session, I enlisted a personal shopper to select clothes for EVERYONE. In fact the personal shopper took pictures of all the intended items before purchase and sent to me which I forwarded to her.
The clothes for DS/DIL/GKs were purchased and provided to my DIL with the receipt. I told her if there were ANYTHING she didn't like she could take it back to Nordstrom's ...this was done at least three weeks before the trip. For the formal setting, all the ladies were to be dressed in white dresses (except for granddaughter which would provide a pop of color to the pictures according to the photographer). My dress was a floor length linen, my daughter's was a high/low dress, and DIL was a mini dress which is the correct length for her -but not the body-con style she prefers. DIL is a size 2-4 and while she has lost the vast majority of her baby weight her abs aren't quite back to pre-baby, this was MY consideration which I discussed with the personal shopper our styles.
Well as you can probably guess on the day of the shoot, DIL and son decided to dress in something totally differently. For the informal scenes they had on cut off shorts and she was wearing a belly showing crop top. They packed the clothes orignally purchased. I was not pleased and I did ask my son to change shirts because his shirt color selection conflicted with color theory (nobody was matchy-matchy). I did not ask my DIL to change. The formal scene--yep you guessed it here's comes a bodycon dress. This meant everyone was dressed in dressy "resort wear" and DIL was dressed for the nightclub. Yes, she has since complained that the pictures reveal her"pokey" belly.
HUBBY WAS PISSED. That night while alone at dinner he started crying. He said, " All they had to do were wear the %^$# clothes....that's all!. That's the only thing we asked." I tried to console him and explain that she wanted to show off her weight loss and that DS rather offend us that her. He wasn't having it. I'm looking at it as at a mental time and place thing. Hubby is looking at it as both of them were not concerned with our feelings especially since EVERYONE knew the pictures/memory book was really for hubby. He said she never would have done this to her parents, and that we really do too much for this kind of treatment.
I'm in the process of tying up some last estate planning issues and hubby is still mad. Therefore he's is not agreeing with decisions on minor assets to the GRANDCHILDREN. Example, we purchased Savings Bonds for 25 years and they are just put away forgotten. I suggested that we now direct them to the grandkids....in fact they could pay in full for a 529??? college plan. He said,"%^$# naw, I'm gonna spend my money and I want you to stop funding their investment accounts. WE"RE now not going to do....." I told him he is just being revengeful for something the grandkids are not responsible.
Now we are tip-toeing around each other. I could do everything behind his back because he doesn't concern himself with investments but I still want to make him feel that he is apart of all marriage decisions. At midnight last night I was on the phone with our investment advisor who lives in Denver....he knew about the phone call but refused to ask what actions I took. This morning he was argumentative about minor things like when to call the wildlife folks to get the bees out of the attic which is really major --he's allergic, I'm not. He is still just so mad.
Any ideas on how to make peace with everyone?
I hate people like DIL that make EVERYTHING about her. That is so insensitive. I think it's DS's place to say something to her though. And the grandchildren should not be penalized for this. I think I would quietly make investments and see if this blows over in a few months with my compassion towards my husband. If it didn't blow over, I would respect my husband and discontinue funding the accounts. It is what it is.
