Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Them plates almost got him f'ed up. My very feminist in-laws pulled me aside and were like "Is he making you do this? We will make him stop."I also meant to tag @Crackers Phinn (a plate makers convert )
Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions
- Thread starter Zaynab
- Start date
Well you first have to realize you're worth whatever you want. I have to say when people ask me for advice the confidence issue is just one I cannot really say how to build it. But I don't want to be glib and say oh well. I do believe in self talk, self praise all day everyday. I know women think men are focused on looks but I don't believe that's the case, I think it's how you present it and package it. And not to be hurtful but I see so many gorgeous single women, it's the confidence you need to go along with the face. I'm really not sure how to tell you anyone how to build confidence, I know the old adage 'Fake it until you make it" sounds silly but I still think it's a start. I also think looking good is a huge step to feeling good about yourself. I make myself look good so I can feel good and that resonates in my personality. Maybe some other ladies can chime in??This paragraph resonates with me something awful. People comment to me often "why are you single; you're so pretty, how come you haven't found anyone; and what's wrong with these men to be passing you up". I'm not posting this to gas myself up, but I have a huge problem that your above post touches on. If I like a guy, I will literally go left if he's on my right.I so envy women who are comfortable in their own skin around the opposite sex. I have male friends I'm super cool with, but these are dudes I've known forever. I'm not one of those women who has never met a stranger. I'm reserved until I'm comfortable with you. Once I'm comfortable with you, watch out.
My divorce 10 years ago left some scars, but I've worked hard on myself and I like myself now. But I can't get over always thinking a guy looking at me is trying to hit on me, which makes me uncomfortable and want to go the other way. I've psyched myself up many times to fake it. I will see a cute guy and I smile, or speak, only for them to introduce me to their wife/girlfriend/fiance. This zapps my confidence. In some cases I've gained some new friends
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
1) I agree with @IslandMummy 100% about not being able to change them. You can influence them to change some of their bad habits, but even that isn't foolproof.
2) I'll also say that respect is very important to men, especially if they're black. I grew up with a smart mouth and an attitude. My mom told me the sharpest weapon a woman has when it comes to men is her tongue and I took that to heart. Dh had to check me a few times in the beginning when I forgot but for the most part, I have not brought any of that into my marriage.
3) You can either be right or you can be happy. It might feel good in the moment to win the debate/argument but what did you really gain? Save the arguing for the internet or your besties.
I unfold his napkin and put it in his lap too. Even when we are out to eat. Game changer I promise.
Number 2 is the way to a man's heart. If women learn this, a man will move a mountain for you
IslandMummy
Well-Known Member
It was you that put me on to #2, big big change in year four after I read that. Like we skipped over the entire seven year itch.
I'm aloof and abrupt. And can be extremely cold with a sharp tongue.
Nagging will get you nowhere. It will actually make them do less and the opposite. Men/babies/dogs respond to positive reinforcement. If you want something done, suggest it SWEETLY or make it seem like it's their idea. Or say what do you think about xzy. You have to plant the seed and make them think it's their idea.
Don't whine/pout/complain. Men respond to actions, not words. Complaining to a man sounds you're being ungrateful/ criticizing them. Their egos are as fragile as a birds egg.
Don't start out compromising. On anything. Don't deny yourself anything, because men don't. Women will sacrifice for the children, the house. Nope. Don't start. I have to look good and so do my children. Don't sacrifice and start letting yourself go, you ever see a man do this? Nope. Make him understand you have a standard of appearance that must be met always.
IslandMummy
Well-Known Member
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
So I love taking inspiration from random things. I used to watch Mad Men and there was an episode where they were trying to sign GM as a client. They were out at dinner having fun, drinking, laughing, and then Don, one of the partners, started talking about the Vietnam war. The whole atmosphere changed.
Later, Roger, another partner, went in on Don. He was like wth was that? We're trying to close the deal. You know that it's all about the experience. They shouldn't have a single negative thought when they're with you.
This applies to dating (and it goes back to my homegirl I mentioned in the other thread). Your first few dates are not a time for you to gauge how your date feels about Donald trump or Caitlyn Jenner or police shootings. When he goes to bed later, you want him to be happy and wanting more time with you. You don't want him associating your presence with being woke or marching or Nazis. There's a time for all that but not when you're trying to close the deal.
*One exception is if HE brings it up. But even then, don't take that time to go off and show how woke you are. Talk enough to show that you are informed, and then make sure you express how scary it all is (so he feels protective towards you).
Later, Roger, another partner, went in on Don. He was like wth was that? We're trying to close the deal. You know that it's all about the experience. They shouldn't have a single negative thought when they're with you.
This applies to dating (and it goes back to my homegirl I mentioned in the other thread). Your first few dates are not a time for you to gauge how your date feels about Donald trump or Caitlyn Jenner or police shootings. When he goes to bed later, you want him to be happy and wanting more time with you. You don't want him associating your presence with being woke or marching or Nazis. There's a time for all that but not when you're trying to close the deal.
*One exception is if HE brings it up. But even then, don't take that time to go off and show how woke you are. Talk enough to show that you are informed, and then make sure you express how scary it all is (so he feels protective towards you).
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
I do feel like I'm worth it, I promise.
But yeah, I get nervous, so maybe that's where I'll start. More positive self talk. I have my favorite inspirational quotes and memes, and oddly enough I am the one in my crew that's always encouraging and pumping someone else up. 
But I think simply stating "I am worth it" and "I deserve it" is what I should be saying,and reminding myself of. On the outside, I look composed and put together, but I can over think and nit pick my problems to death. Thanks!! This thread is really great. And it's something comforting in knowing I'm not alone in trying to get it right.
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
This make sooooo much sense!
I love this. I wish I could like it 10000x's.
I tell women don't be so heavy. Men want carefree, happy, soft, fun dialogue. They don't want to be grilled. Y'all they aren't that smart
They don't need to be woke, introspective and telling you why he loves feminism on a date. Just have fun and be breezy.
summertimewine
*sips tea*
While dating I almost consistently use the phrase "Oh am I your wife now?". I don't do NOTHING lol. I definitely do not do any wife things which would be: cooking, cleaning, raw dawging, letting men into my home, changing my schedule etc. A healthy balance for me is more about respect and ego stroking via words. Letting a man know I realllllly appreciated something by bragging to someone about it in front of him. Or just dumb little stuff like "You're so smart and whitty!" Followed by a cute laugh that giggles my tits. I ALWAYS slay and look to fine. I look so good men are always trying to keep me attached to them while we are out because other men are vultures.@Zaynab and @mstar (and anyone else that wants to chime in) please discuss the art of knowing how to treat a man. In the other thread you ladies talked about this being something that your grandmother's stressed as being important.
Honestly, this advice seems counterintuitive for a woman that's dating. How would you ladies suggest a dating woman strike a healthy balance between carrying herself as the prize and treating the man special (for lack of a better word) without looking like a thirst trap? Please give some concrete examples for basics like me
Some men will really be waiting as long as needed to get some puss. They WILL say anything. Actions are the truth.
Men are really simple creatures but we as women over complicate every single little thing men do. Imo I've never met a man that ran good game. Men are dumb and if you know red flags and you ask smart questions a false man won't be interested.
Women in general need to go out more. Rotations are not a bad thing because you're LEARNING. You may not know you hate when men have a certain career, or that you hate when men are obsessed with sports until you actually met men with these qualities. You are honing in on you're perfect man by rotating.
"You shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know about. Just know I'm all yours on Tuesday."
"You know a beautiful girl like me has men fighting left and right. I'm just trying to find out who is deserving of my time."
"Yup I got six of em, you ready #7?"
Like honestly if he has a negative response then drop him because he doesn't want to fight for you.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
I love this. I wish I could like it 10000x's.
I tell women don't be so heavy. Men want carefree, happy, soft, fun dialogue. They don't want to be grilled. Y'all they aren't that smart
Re: fun...One thing about you is that you are naturally breezy, high energy and fun, so being around you makes people feel good and fun
I'm low energy and an introvert which is not fun
But for those of us who aren't naturally/outwardly fun, there's still hope. You just have to figure out your fun zone. I'm silly and kinda goofy, which can be a different kind of fun for guys if you play it right.Don't answer them, no need to make a man feel comfortable that's not your man. Just say "I'm meeting people, and exploring my dating options" Be vague, and confident when you say it.
ETA: These men have dropped the standard so low, they have us competing for them. Men have women sharing men while he says oh I have friends, I'm not ready for a relationship. Yea ok, that's code for I'm screwing two people. Make them compete and rise to your standard. And don't shy away from what you want. When you aren't clear, they know you're willing to hang on and accept anything.
All my friends are introverts and that's never stoped them from getting a man because like you said, they play it up in other ways, soft, demure (like you)Re: fun...One thing about you is that you are naturally breezy, high energy and fun, so being around you makes people feel good and fun
I'm low energy and an introvert which is not fun
Aww thank you! When DH pursued me, I was like nah. We went out on two dates and I was like meh. Then I became super unavailable, like I would call him back once for every five phone calls
He was going down to number 3 actually. Finally, he said "just tell me flat out what it is about me, what am I not doing". I said, "well I'm a fun person and you aren't any fun." He said well I'm attracted to you because of your energy and vibrance, and I don't want to lose that so can you teach me how to have fun? That's like music to an extroverts ears, so I said why yes I will teach you. Now sis, no offense but I might not be that upfront.
Being confident in your desirability is great but IMO I just wouldn't explain at all. Men like mystery.I couldn't agree with this more. When I was in college I was obsessed with comparing myself to other women. Does she look better than me? Is her hair prettier than mine? Ooh, she's curvy, I'm not. I finally had one of my good male friends say, "Look, its not all about that. Its not about how you look." It took years for that to sink in. My husband's fraternity brothers use to keep a heavy rotation of women. The one who is single, still keeps a heavy rotation and he is nearing 50. None of them are so attractive I would give them a second look, but they are confident as all get out and that is what attracts the ladies. The same applies to women. I'm very pretty, but I'm also a wallflower. I'm never the life of the party and unless I'm around people I know and am comfortable with, it's easy to forget I'm in the room. When I'm comfortable enough to carry on a conversation, crack a joke or get out on the dance floor that is when men notice me. I just turned 42 and I would say I'm finally becoming more comfortable in my skin. I always dress nice, smell good and play up my features, but I walk with confidence, smile more and make eye contact. If I had the confidence that I have now when I was in college I would have had several men in rotation. Its all about confidence.
shortycocoa
Hair Weave Killer
She definitely should have been on that list. I still love the knowledge she dropped in the "does your husband cover you" thread a few years ago.
shortycocoa
Hair Weave Killer
@Zaynab and @mstar (and anyone else that wants to chime in) please discuss the art of knowing how to treat a man. In the other thread you ladies talked about this being something that your grandmother's stressed as being important.
Honestly, this advice seems counterintuitive for a woman that's dating. How would you ladies suggest a dating woman strike a healthy balance between carrying herself as the prize and treating the man special (for lack of a better word) without looking like a thirst trap? Please give some concrete examples for basics like me
It helps to have honest, in-depth conversations with men about what is important to them. Usually the things that are important to them correlates to what makes them feel special.
So for example, the next time you're alone, ask him directly, "what is important to you?" Pause and wait for his answer, and once you have his answer, rephrase what he said for clarity and so you can commit it to memory.
Then the follow up question is "why is this so important to you?" Once you understand the significance/meaning of what is important to him and why, you can then frame it/execute it in a way that will always be special and memorable to him.
I asked one of my exes what was important to him. He said cooking breakfast together and sitting down to eat a nice breakfast together was important, especially on the weekends.
When I asked him why that was so important to him, he said his mom never made it a priority to do that. He mentioned that when he was ready to settle down he always wanted that to be a part of his day because having moments like that in the morning sets the tone for the rest of his day. He wanted his children to be a part of a connected family unit in that way as well.
To execute, I woke up one day and asked him to go to the store for me. I made his favorite breakfast while he was gone and when he came back, it was ready and we had a nice breakfast together.
Throughout the relationship we continued the tradition and made sure we did that a few times a week and on weekends.
The key here is to be consistent and follow through. Whatever you start, you have to be willing to continue.
Otherwise, they end up feeling unloved, neglected and not special.
This goes both ways, though.
It works and is EXTREMELY powerful, so don't do it for someone you don't see a future with.
shortycocoa
Hair Weave Killer
This...
I love this. I wish I could like it 10000x's.
I tell women don't be so heavy. Men want carefree, happy, soft, fun dialogue. They don't want to be grilled. Y'all they aren't that smart
And this...
I read about this years ago in the black girl's equivalent to "The Rules" book. It was a good read!
The name of the book is actually "The Sistahs Rules" by Denene Millner. I had to Google it to make sure I was telling ya'll right.
I saw it on Amazon just now. She had a lot of gems in there, from what I remember when I read it.
rafikichick92
Well-Known Member
@Zaynab and @mstar (and anyone else that wants to chime in) please discuss the art of knowing how to treat a man. In the other thread you ladies talked about this being something that your grandmother's stressed as being important.
Honestly, this advice seems counterintuitive for a woman that's dating. How would you ladies suggest a dating woman strike a healthy balance between carrying herself as the prize and treating the man special (for lack of a better word) without looking like a thirst trap? Please give some concrete examples for basics like me
I'm really curious about the answer to this, especially the bolded. I'm dating again (not exclusively, just going out), but knowing I have the tendency to be aloof/cold, I'd like to know what this looks like in practice.
Well don't be alloof. Are you on dates being aloof?? Or are you saying in regards to bring approached? They need to know you're interested and open. Smile. That doesn't even take much effort. If you're casually dating, don't pay for dates. Don't buy him gifts. Don't offer come to his house and clean up. You can cook for him after a few dates if you want but you don't have to. (I love to cook) Don't mother him like omg I was so worried about you when I didn't hear from you. Don't text him with I'm thinking about you and how you're so into him. If you like to text that's fine but not alot and never any real conversations, that's for the phone. Don't sit on the phone for hours or call him a bunch.
In the early stages really get to know him and what he likes, take an active interest in his interests. Talk about your interests. Stay away from heavy stuff. Men like that, it shows you're into him. If you're on a date seem very interested and captivated by what they're saying. Be interested in him and if he is in you, be open to that but not like he's the last man in the world. Compliment him on things you notice about him, I love how hardworking you are. I love how ambitious you are. You really are a great son to your parents/mother. Words work great on men. Sweet words and non material gestures to men come easy to me, I can't explain it and that's really sometimes hard to teach or get women to accept.
ETA: I was out with DH on a date, we were eating at the bar. I unfolded his napkin and put it in his lap. Some chicks were (alone) eating beside us and giggling and making some slick comments I couldn't hear. This guy (alone) sitting next to us was like Where can I find one like that laughing. Then, I swear ladies and I told @Femmefatal1981 this story once, the guy said, "I was gonna go and introduce myself to one of them, but they clearly don't think it's important to treat your man well."
shortycocoa
Hair Weave Killer
The stud friend I have mentioned on FB that she won't date a woman that will only go out with her on the weekend. She said she lives her life Monday-Friday as well as on the weekends, so she can't stand courting a chick and asking her out on a Wednesday and she says my friend has to wait until Friday or Saturday to take her out.
She moves on to the next in that situation, and I can see men being the same way. A lot of them want spontaneous, fun, down for whatever types. (read: not boring.)
Music always helps me, especially songs that have a theme of "girl power." The best way for me to overcome my emotions in a situation when I have trusted a man to take the lead and do something for me and he fell short, I just talk to him.
I explain why it is so important for me that when I ask someone to do something, I expect them to do it right away. I let them know that it makes me lose trust in them when they cannot produce results or follow through with what I requested of them.
After this, the situation is usually resolved because I also don't hide my emotions very well (one of my exes told me this) so when he has failed me and has to see the look of hurt and disappointment on my face, it pains him. So he always made the extra effort to make sure he could deliver.
Some of the ladies have already said a lot of what I was going to say, but I think one of the best ways is to still pay attention to his actions, and whether those actions are consistent with him being marriage-minded. A man can say he isn't afraid of commitment all day long, but do you know his end-game?
I mentioned the importance of knowing a man's end game (and yours as well) and walking away if the two don't match up in another thread.
To determine his end-game, you have to know how to ask the right questions. If you (general you) know you want to not only be married, but be married in a specific time frame, it's not enough for a man to say "yes, I want to get married but not right now."
Stay away from those types and the ones who see marriage in the distant future and not the immediate future. If he sees it in the immediate future, what has he done to prepare? Does he have the right emotional supports and mentors in place to guide him into being a good husband and provider for you and your family, etc?
If he is taking the appropriate steps towards marriage and you see him falling off, redirect his focus.
*****quoting @Mai Tai *****
I can never take a man that's super active on a personal social media page seriously. 1...It's a huge time waster so if he's lampin' on Facebook/IG all day he clearly is not out here making money and making moves. Huge turnoff. 2... I've never met a man that had a ton of online followers and was super faithful. My DMs stay lit and I barely post so I know what it can be like with a dude that lives his life for The Gram.
@Mai Tai I have not heard the word "lampin" since high school, yo!
But I will co-sign this. My ex-husband told me FB (and all other forms of social media) are for girls. He said any grown man that had time to be on those sites all day was obviously not about his money. Men are extremely sexual beings. They are wired to want sex A LOT. Whatever you do, DO NOT withhold sex to prove a point, as a form of "punishment" (your husband is not a child and there are other, more age-appropriate ways to get your point across) or "just because" or out of spite.
If you are angry or in the middle of an argument, be angry. Argue. But argue constructively and effectively. But the sex needs to stay in the mix. It's also important to have comparable sex drives.
I had one ex that the sexual chemistry and compatibility was insane. But whenever we had important matters to discuss (it didn't always have to be a bad argument) and we both wanted sex, we would code certain discussions/issues as A.S.C. (after sex conversation) or B.S.C. (before sex conversation). So whenever he or I would say to the other "I really need to talk to you," the response was always "A.S.C. or B.S.C.?"
and we would deal with it either before or after sex but we most definitely got it in!
I read in another book years ago how important it is to handle it that way and not withhold. You are not winning as a wife when you withhold sex from your husband. Now of course, I am talking about a healthy relationship where there are no factors like cheating/infidelity to consider.
In that situation, it is smart to withhold until the person who has cheated gets tested, etc. (if you plan on staying.)
The other "hard truth" I can think of right now is that men just want to be heard, respected (someone else mentioned this) and to know that you can put them first when they need you to. Husbands want and need to feel like you honor them and they are your most important priority, even when you as a wife (and sometimes mother and working woman) have 1000 other things that may be more important.
If any more come to mind, I will share.
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Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
. I remember that
mstar
Luxury bacon
This is classic Rori Raye advice:
Smile and hold his eye for 5 full seconds. His entire guard will drop, and he'll engage you. 5 seconds is longer than it sounds! So she recommends practicing with your butcher, gas station attendant, etc...any and all men, regardless of his physical attractiveness or station in life.
This practice also has the effect of lowering your walls, and opening up your energy to be softer, more receptive, and more inviting. It will become second nature to you after a while, and it will also really change you as you become used to a) holding more power than you previously did, and b) receiving quality attention from every man you come in contact with. New possibilities will open up.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
Unless you are trying to come off as uninterested I would make an effort not to come off like the guy is wasting your time.,
mstar
Luxury bacon
OMG yes to all of this. This is all so key.
rafikichick92
Well-Known Member
Actually both. When I'm out, I'm very much in my own world. I tend to be very focused on "I'm going here, to do X, and I'm leaving." Not a "smell the roses" type. Like I've actually been out with friends who notice guys staring at me while I'm totally oblivious. It's bad, I know.
I pretty much don't initiate at all. Like I may text first once or twice a week and I never call first. I am a phone taker though, so it's hard for me to stop once I start. Same in person. I'm not a gift buyer in regular life, so guys definitely don't get that from me. Also I know guys don't like to be mothered, so I try to stay away from giving advice or being a fix it person.
This is what I'm wondering about. I feel like I've been holding back on this some because to me it feels like something a girlfriend does. I try to say some nice things, but not over the top. Like I might give a compliment every other day/encounter (it sounds bad when I quantify it like that, lol).
Thanks for the advice, by the way!! I really appreciate it!
rafikichick92
Well-Known Member
I don't think I come off like he's wasting my time, I just feel like he's talking and I'm just like, "oh, that's nice" then a follow up question, then "oh, really", etc through the conversation. I feel like I seem very politely interested, as opposed to genuinely interested, but I don't know if it reads that way to the guy or not. It really is me trying to act like a normal person, it just feels awkward.
I don't tend to really relate deeply to people until I know them very well (like after months of exposure). I'm that person that people are like, I thought you were like this or that before I got to know you. The phrase Ice Princess might have been used before.
It's not something I do purposely, but I'm aware that it happens. Usually in casual friendships I don't worry about it--if we bridge the gap, we bridge the gap, but I feel like dating is a different set of rules.Similar threads
