Dating For Marriage: Advice, Tips, Suggestions

TwoSnapsUp said:
What do you ladies think about social media while dating? IG, and FB, specifically.
I can never take a man that's super active on a personal social media page seriously. 1...It's a huge time waster so if he's lampin' on Facebook/IG all day he clearly is not out here making money and making moves. Huge turnoff. 2... I've never met a man that had a ton of online followers and was super faithful. My DMs stay lit and I barely post so I know what it can be like with a dude that lives his life for The Gram.

Should a woman add a man she is seeing to her SM?
You can add him to your friend's list at your own discretion but I wouldn't dare tag my Facebook page as us being in a relationship with each other. For what? To make it Facebook official? No one cares. So that everyone can see you're finally boo'd up? Move in silence. So everyone can be all in your comments if you all break up? It's none of their business.

What kind of pics should she avoid posting (besides the obvious thirst traps)? Avoid posting pics of ya'll hugged up and/or date pics and instead post pics of him proposing and of your engagement ring. All of the real introductions to friends and family should happen in real life.

Basically, what advice would you give if any, in regards to SM?
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My answers in pink.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
What do you ladies think about social media while dating? IG, and FB, specifically. Should a woman add a man she is seeing to her SM? What kind of pics should she avoid posting (besides the obvious thirst traps)?

Basically, what advice would you give if any, in regards to SM?
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My FB account has become more about business and networking. I very rarely post anything personal on it. My IG is where I post pics of myself, my family/friends etc. I've got no problem with adding a date on FB. He needs to see what I'm about. :look:

I'm inclined not to add a date to IG and I certainly wouldn't post any pics of us on IG until we're exclusive. And maybe not for a couple months after. We may take pictures but they'll remain in my camera roll until he locks it down and I'm ready to let everyone outside my inner circle know. I'd prefer to wait for him to post but I'm not one to broadcast much of my relationship on SM and I don't want him to either. Just light and fluffy pics and videos of us and that's it.

The men who take their relationship seriously tend not to post their personal lives on SM, IME.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
What do you ladies think about social media while dating? IG, and FB, specifically. Should a woman add a man she is seeing to her SM? What kind of pics should she avoid posting (besides the obvious thirst traps)?

Basically, what advice would you give if any, in regards to SM?
Click to expand...

This is a different beast altogether. I had to learn the hard way that people who are involved romantically shouldn't be friends on social media.

My best friend also told me this is not a good look, and I should have listened to him then but I know now.

He's married and his wife is NOT one of his FB friends. :look: :lol:

I happened to joke about it a few weeks ago because she responded to a mutual friend from college's post.

I was shocked to see that, primarily because for YEARS he said she doesn't do social media and didn't have a FB page. He told me she joined FB and made one a while back, but he ain't adding her...:lachen:

I don't even know if they have the same mutual friends on FB but I told him maybe that's a good look. :look:
 
Southernbella. said:
would just constantly put myself in their line of fire until they talked to me lol. If a guy I liked was in a particular club at school, I joined that club.

There was a guy at my church who I found him attractive so I joined the volunteer group he was in to put myself in his line of fire. This has worked for me almost every time and it also made me feel in control. We don't do the pursuing but that doesn't mean we have to be passive. There are lots of men out there who think they just happened upon their wives one day and have no idea that she deliberately put herself in his line of fire.
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This is exactly how I met my husband. I saw him, thought he was cute. Saw him a few more times and I wanted to get to know him. At the Student Activities Fair I saw him at the NAACP table...so I signed up. Went to the meeting... joined his committee. First meeting was at his apartment..showed up looking fine and available but not thirsty. Little did I know he had the same idea which is why his apartment was spotless with catered food and wine, lol. My roommate and I were the last to leave that night.
 
TwoSnapsUp said:
What do you ladies think about social media while dating? IG, and FB, specifically. Should a woman add a man she is seeing to her SM? What kind of pics should she avoid posting (besides the obvious thirst traps)?

Basically, what advice would you give if any, in regards to SM?
Click to expand...
I have seen so many SM relationships go up in flames...people that should be old enough tot know better but they refuse to grow up. You can add him as a friend if you like but not until you are exclusive. When become exclusive don't start making post about him your #1 way to pass the time. My sister has a friend that acts like she has never had a real boyfriend before..in all honesty this may be the case because she was always creeping with others folks man or dudes that would not claim her publicly:look:. Be that as it may ...it comes across as so sad and desperate. I do not know how the guy deals with it. She is acting like a 12 yr old with her first crush, saying things that honestly she should keep to herself. Do not post 5011 pics of you 2 cheek to cheek on a vacation, minute to minute updates on said vacation, etc. As my granny used to say, "Act like you been somewhere even if you ain't neva left the yard". :lachen:
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
I have seen so many SM relationships go up in flames...people that should be old enough tot know better but they refuse to grow up. You can add him as a friend if you like but not until you are exclusive. When become exclusive don't start making post about him your #1 way to pass the time. My sister has a friend that acts like she has never had a real boyfriend before..in all honesty this may be the case because she was always creeping with others folks man or dudes that would not claim her publicly:look:. Be that as it may ...it comes across as so sad and desperate. I do not know how the guy deals with it. She is acting like a 12 yr old with her first crush, saying things that honestly she should keep to herself. Do not post 5011 pics of you 2 cheek to cheek on a vacation, minute to minute updates on said vacation, etc. As my granny used to say, "Act like you been somewhere even if you ain't neva left the yard". :lachen:
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Exactly.
 
All4Tris said:
How do you properly vet a man to find out if he is really marriage minded? There are a lot of imposters out there.
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I would inquire about his family and his upbringing. Were his parents married? What kind of relationships men see and experience is usually what they emulate. His friends, are they married or taking guys trips every other weekend? When you get in a real dialogue about family/marriage Ask him if he understands being a leader and provider for his family. You'll hear and see very quickly and upfront if he's a provider or bill splitter too.
 
I am superfriendly/smiley/corny and honestly...it's so easy for me to meet men. The problem is they all suck. I don't know if I'm too particular or I'm smart to easily ditch men that are not up to par.


So many men around my age are easy to get and hard to want. What am I doing to attract the wrong men? They are not all bad just wildly annoying and simpleminded.


What are easy ways to spot a bum without actually wasting my time getting to know them?
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
Can you be more specific about what this means?
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They just say stupid things, constantly. Make lame excuses when the truth would suffice. Get upset because I am busy and can't pick up the phone every time they call. Lie and tell people we are in a relationship when they never discussed it with me and don't even act like we are in a relationship. Name drop and "accidently" text me their finances because they claim their accountant has the same first 4 letters in their name.

Just dumb unnecessary crap. I appreciate authenticity so anytime a man seems like they are faking or playing games, I'm out.
 
shespoison said:
They just say stupid things, constantly. Make lame excuses when the truth would suffice. Get upset because I am busy and can't pick up the phone every time they call. Lie and tell people we are in a relationship when they never discussed it with me and don't even act like we are in a relationship. Name drop and "accidently" text me their finances because they claim their accountant has the same first 4 letters in their name.

Just dumb unnecessary crap. I appreciate authenticity so anytime a man seems like they are faking or playing games, I'm out.
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Yikes..only #1 get s a pass. The rest is hella strange and childish. Keep it moving...
 
All4Tris said:
How do you properly vet a man to find out if he is really marriage minded? There are a lot of imposters out there.
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If you want to get married quickly then figure out three simple things
1. How does he treat his mom, sisters, cousins, neices etc any women in his family. Does he spoil them, treat them with respect etc. If not then for me it would be a hard pass because you're family life is gonna reflect what he knows.
2. What are his friends up to? Is his best friend a woman? (Its a no if so). I don't think the friends need to be married but they do need to be mature, hard working men, who are marriage minded. You don't want him to tell his friends he thinks you're the one and then then convince him that you're not.
3. Finances. Debt and love do not mix so don't even start a marriage with any cumulative debt of more than $10,000. Also most of that debt should be yours.
BEAUTYU2U said:
How to act like you have a rotation until you get a rotation?

As mentioned upthread, I'm another person living in a college-to-marriage area where single people are scarce. But I don't want prospects to recognize this disadvantage. :look:
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Get ready, look sexy, take pictures. Really make it a goal to go out once a week to wherever. Growing a rotation can take time but wont take to long if you're using both online and in person. Go to a bar snap a pic, and remember the dates with yourself are as solidified as the ones with men. Then trap all the men at the bar :lachen:

ETA I also wouldn't go on dates during the weekend. It ties into making a man work for it. If he can find time for you during the week then your weekends can be filled with going out to find more rotation candidates.
Mai Tai said:
I have to tag my e-sister in rachet relationship realness (in my head) @summertimewine aka FrogKisses.
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:heart:
 
shespoison said:
I am superfriendly/smiley/corny and honestly...it's so easy for me to meet men. The problem is they all suck. I don't know if I'm too particular or I'm smart to easily ditch men that are not up to par.


So many men around my age are easy to get and hard to want. What am I doing to attract the wrong men? They are not all bad just wildly annoying and simpleminded.


What are easy ways to spot a bum without actually wasting my time getting to know them?
Click to expand...
Well if you know they are simpleminded then do not let them waste your time by blocking them ASAP. A first date is never a waste of time because you should end up with free food and drink lol.

Also what helped me find a man that I felt was on my level was finding something specific that truly interested me, and was a quality I wanted in a man. A big one for me is family and being family oriented/money. So I would always say something like "Oh yeah I'm just watching my niece, kids are crazy lol, do you ever sit for your family?" Or "Wow, I'm so glad I'm getting my education but these semester fees are crazy...i wish superman was out there to help me out." If the response was something negative then I would block. If it was positive then we could keep talking. If you're looking for intelligence then maybe talk about a recent article or world event and ask his opinion on it. If it's not to your standard or he brushes it off then go ahead and block him.
 
Makenzie said:
This paragraph resonates with me something awful. People comment to me often "why are you single; you're so pretty, how come you haven't found anyone; and what's wrong with these men to be passing you up". I'm not posting this to gas myself up, but I have a huge problem that your above post touches on. If I like a guy, I will literally go left if he's on my right.:nono: I so envy women who are comfortable in their own skin around the opposite sex. I have male friends I'm super cool with, but these are dudes I've known forever. I'm not one of those women who has never met a stranger. I'm reserved until I'm comfortable with you. Once I'm comfortable with you, watch out. :lachen: My divorce 10 years ago left some scars, but I've worked hard on myself and I like myself now. But I can't get over always thinking a guy looking at me is trying to hit on me, which makes me uncomfortable and want to go the other way. I've psyched myself up many times to fake it. I will see a cute guy and I smile, or speak, only for them to introduce me to their wife/girlfriend/fiance. This zapps my confidence. In some cases I've gained some new friends :lol:, but it does get harder to fake it the next time. Then there are times I've been in a group with some cuties and if I think they are interested I clam up. If I don't think they are interested I'm chatty Cathy. What is this self sabotage about? How can I get some confidence? I feel stupid for feeling this way, but thank you for putting yourself out there to help us singletons who need help.:urock:
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No thoughts, anyone?
 
@Zaynab and @mstar (and anyone else that wants to chime in) please discuss the art of knowing how to treat a man. In the other thread you ladies talked about this being something that your grandmother's stressed as being important.

Honestly, this advice seems counterintuitive for a woman that's dating. How would you ladies suggest a dating woman strike a healthy balance between carrying herself as the prize and treating the man special (for lack of a better word) without looking like a thirst trap? Please give some concrete examples for basics like me :lol:.
 
Mai Tai said:
During a phone conversation, interrupt him by saying "Ohhhh I gotta take this call. Can I talk to you later?"

When he tries to make last minute plans on a Friday tell him "I would love to but when I didn't hear from you earlier this week I made other plans (to sit on my couch)"

Let his call go to voicemail sometimes

Return his text messages...2 days later

Go on dates...by yourself to Starbucks or your favorite coffee house

See...Instant rotation!
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All of this. Women are conditioned to think they're crazy or abnormal for being able to enjoy their own company. You're not.

Do you like broadway? The opera? Midday matinees? Then go.

I'm married and people still side eye me for going out alone "as a married woman" as if that effectively cut of my entire being. Go to where interests you, take a long weekend away.

Unless you're engaged or married, he doesn't need to know the specifics, just that you aren't available.
 
Okay, in regards to letting a man think you have a rotation or a roster, men tend to ask like before you even go on the first date if you're talking to anyone else...how would you guys handle that question? Because it seems like men do better when there's competition for you but it feels uncomfortable for me to say yes, there's another guy (or three) I'm dating.
 
I love this thread. Some real gems being dropped even for those of us that are married.

giphy.gif
 
LovinLea said:
Okay, in regards to letting a man think you have a rotation or a roster, men tend to ask like before you even go on the first date if you're talking to anyone else...how would you guys handle that question? Because it seems like men do better when there's competition for you but it feels uncomfortable for me to say yes, there's another guy (or three) I'm dating.
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Just be honest and tell them. You don't have to be specific. Men are supposed to compete for us, not the other way around.

If a man is turned off or intimidated by your roster, that's not the kind of man you want to date or marry anyway. Let him go.

At the very least, you can say:

"I have acquaintances."

"I'm seeing someone but it's not serious."

"I'm just looking for someone I can go out with from time to time." (Stay away from the phrase "something casual" for obvious reasons.

"I have a few friends but I haven't chosen to be exclusive with anyone (yet)."

A guy who is not intimidated by that and genuinely interested will still want to pursue you and might even probe further for clarity.

I've had that happen before and once he got the clarity he needed, it was no longer an issue.

Do not elaborate. Keep it short, simple and sweet.
 
SurferBabe said:
What are some hard truths about men that every single (unmarried) woman should know/understand before becoming a wife?
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The only thing you can change on a man is his diaper. Unless it's something he feels needs adjustment, no amount of begging, nagging, ultimatums etc will change him.

Don't date, entertain or marry someone you think needs to be changed or improved.

I'm not talking about physically (my DH needed his grill reworked and I introduced him to mr general and cosmetic dentist :)) but who a person is. Whatever detrimental habits he has before dating/marriage will not change because you have a license and a ring. Red flags exist and you need to heed them.

Watch who his friends are, I know it seems small, but healthy friendships are important. Watch the activities that they involve themselves with and how they treat people. One of the newer guys on DH's soccer team was used to being around single looking to mingle men, and you could tell. He'd come to the park looking at all the kids like :eek: wait y'all married o_O

He went from talking about hoes (around the men, who deaded that talk after the second week) to bringing a girlfriend three months later. The concept of being happily married to the mother of your kid never entered his mind. Now he's :alcoholics:with the dudes after a game, while she hangs out with the wives if it's a family night. I see them marrying within the year.

There's more but those are my little pennies.
 
Southernbella. said:
Positioning is everything. You have to learn how to be passively aggressive. I was always boy crazy but also shy, so I never approached guys. I would just constantly put myself in their line of fire until they talked to me lol. If a guy I liked was in a particular club at school, I joined that club.

There was a guy at my church who I found him attractive so I joined the volunteer group he was in to put myself in his line of fire. This has worked for me almost every time and it also made me feel in control. We don't do the pursuing but that doesn't mean we have to be passive. There are lots of men out there who think they just happened upon their wives one day and have no idea that she deliberately put herself in his line of fire.

Like Zaynab said, this requires getting out there and being seen. If you go somewhere and there are attractive men there, keep going back. If you see a guy you're interested in and can figure out where he hangs out, what gym he goes to, etc, you go and hang out there too.
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Femmefatal1981 said:
This is exactly how I met my husband. I saw him, thought he was cute. Saw him a few more times and I wanted to get to know him. At the Student Activities Fair I saw him at the NAACP table...so I signed up. Went to the meeting... joined his committee. First meeting was at his apartment..showed up looking fine and available but not thirsty. Little did I know he had the same idea which is why his apartment was spotless with catered food and wine, lol. My roommate and I were the last to leave that night.
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I love this! Y'all are changing lives out here :cry3:. It seems so simple and intuitive, but singletons tend to overanalyze things and worry about how we'll come off when we use some of these tactics.

I've been low key stalking some IGs and Twitters. :look: I'm targeting guys that are new to town. I'm fixin'ta show up to some of the spots they post pictures of. No shame. Sitting around waiting on the bashful betas around me to make a move isn't working. I'm ready for the big boys.
 
Great thread. Will the gurus share on how you pick yourself up when you're feeling low or how to overcome your emotions when you leaned back and let him take the lead and he dropped the ball. I always like to hear what works for others.

I am emerging out of an almost 8 year slump in my self confidence. I was a natural at some of this thanks to the women in my life but family deaths, drama, and the career climb makes me feel so out of the game. The good news is instinct has helped to mitigate some of the damage and men are the most forgiving beings on the planet. I do know that the minute I start to feel good and put myself first, the world and men mirror that back to me.
 
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