Dating BM Who Are Used to Dating WW

[BronzyBella]

I tried not to make this an issue for me, but it is. How do you feel about dating a black man who has a history of dating mostly white women or a preference for white women?

Growing up/living in a predominantly white area myself, I can completely understand when a BM or BW chooses to date outside their race because of the common ground (upbringing, hobbies, interests, peers, etc.) they share with the type of people they grew up with (non-black). When BM or BW exclude other BM/BW based on physical attributes or stereotypes, I have a harder time understanding it.

Anyways, one of the guys I'm casually dating (black) has mostly images of white women, black men, WW/BM couples, and biracial kids on his friends list. To be brutally honest, I sometimes worry that as a BW, maybe he's willing to casually date and maybe sleep with me (we haven't yet) but may not want me as a GF since he seems to have a preference/ideal. Should I feel anxious about something like this? Ask him about the type of girls he usually dates/is attracted to? Or leave it alone?

 

[SurferBabe]

I can only speak from his side since in college I dated mostly WM. Since then, I've dated both but would actually prefer to date more BM now. I'll have to get my thoughts together and come back.

 

[mychai]

I would file the information, but I wouldn't bring it up directly. You'll know based on how he treats you if he sees you as casual or long-term.

I will say that I know other people like him who actually had a preference for BM or BW, but just never met/clicked with any. One woman I know ended up marrying the first black man she ever dated. One man I know mainly dated white women, but is now engaged to a black woman. So I don't think past dating history is necessarily determinative.

 

[faithVA]

I'm not sure how long you two have been dating, but if its over a month I don't see there being a problem with you addressing your concerns with him. Especially if you want a relationship where you can talk about things. The key to discussing is though is to just bring it up as a question and not as an attact or any way that makes him feel defensive or wrong in his decision.

I have dated a few guys that either married WW or dated only WW prior to me. And speaking to them gave me an insight I didn't have before.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yes, I may file the information, as said the previous poster, and look instead at how he treats me.

On the other hand, I am very weary of black men who make it a point to let me know that they have extensively dated white and 'other' women. It's like, ok, so what? I am neither white nor other, so why is this relevant to our situation? What turns me off about it is either the smugness with which they bring up the topic, or the awkward chuckle that follows as though they they expect or worry that I'm about to blow up or tell them about themselves. Dude please. I act nonchalant and tell them that I, too, am open to IR dating and have gone on dates with men of various racial backgrounds. I feel like it's a test to assess my worldliness or smthg.

I don't have time for that. I'm more interested in his actions, but ill be weary of any white-biased comments, like a preference for long straight hair or smthg

Sent from my HERO200 using HERO200

 

[Mis007]

I tried not to make this an issue for me, but it is. How do you feel about dating a black man who has a history of dating mostly white women or a preference for white women?

We would have nothing in common.

 

[Theo]

I don't think I would treat him any differently than any other dude I dated. Do you feel confident in your ability to pick out men who are interested in you seriously vs men who are not?

 

[Amerie2304]

I tried not to make this an issue for me, but it is. How do you feel about dating a black man who has a history of dating mostly white women or a preference for white women?

Growing up/living in a predominantly white area myself, I can completely understand when a BM or BW chooses to date outside their race because of the common ground (upbringing, hobbies, interests, peers, etc.) they share with the type of people they grew up with (non-black). When BM or BW exclude other BM/BW based on physical attributes or stereotypes, I have a harder time understanding it.

Anyways, one of the guys I'm casually dating (black) has mostly images of white women, black men, WW/BM couples, and biracial kids on his friends list. To be brutally honest, I sometimes worry that as a BW, maybe he's willing to casually date and maybe sleep with me (we haven't yet) but may not want me as a GF since he seems to have a preference/ideal. Should I feel anxious about something like this? Ask him about the type of girls he usually dates/is attracted to? Or leave it alone?

That's a standard question for me, regardless of the situation.

 

[zzirvingj]

I'm not sure how long you two have been dating, but if its over a month I don't see there being a problem with you addressing your concerns with him. Especially if you want a relationship where you can talk about things. The key to discussing is though is to just bring it up as a question and not as an attact or any way that makes him feel defensive or wrong in his decision.

I have dated a few guys that either married WW or dated only WW prior to me. And speaking to them gave me an insight I didn't have before.

What insights did you get from them?

 

[faithVA]

zzirvingj[/USER];14083147]What insights did you get from them?

They started dating WGs in high school. They wanted to date BGs but they either laughed at them or talked about them so they just let it go. They are willing to date BW but they shy away from them.

I've heard this story from both the guys I have dated and the guys I know from work and just acquaintances. And I have friends who have sons who are now at the dating age and hearing the same stories from the younger generation.

My feel is that BM dating WW is going to increase with the younger generations for various reasons.

I'm not addressing BM that just won't date us at all.

 

[BronzyBella]

I don't think I would treat him any differently than any other dude I dated. Do you feel confident in your ability to pick out men who are interested in you seriously vs men who are not?

At 29, I feel more confident than I did in my early/late 20s, but I'm not 100% yet.

I think I will ask him about the type of girls he has dated in the past, and not allude to race.

We've been seeing each other for about 2 months now. The second time we met up, he told me that he was looking for someone to date/go to events/on outings with etc. I told him I was open to that.

I'm pretty sure he's into me since we talk/text about every other day and he has no problem meeting me whenever/wherever or spending his days off work with me. But since he's probably open to meeting and dating other women, I don't know where I stand in comparison... maybe it's just my own insecurities coming out.

 

[tatiana]

I understand what you are asking.

I have dated more non black men than black men.

I found that my relationships with black men moved faster and built a deeper connection than the non black man. You did not have to explain things.

My expectations for the black male was higher than the nonblack male.

I would imagine the same would be true for a bm that dated mostly white female.

Also, just because one has mostly dated outside their race does not mean they do not desire to be with own. The person may have "felt undesired" by their race. For example, he was label a geek at school, none of the black girls like him but a white girl did. It happens.

 

[SurferBabe]

Okay, now that I have thought about it, I may not have a whole lot in common with him. I mostly dated white guys in college because that is who I was around most and I shared interests with them. However, at the same time I had many black male crushes IRL and in the entertainment world. There is this black guy who has been asking me out forever and this thread reminds me of him. He is a talented artist and ALL of his paintings feature WW. All of his major crushes are white as well. For some reason, that just turns me off.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

There's a difference between a BM who goes out with mostly WW as a result of growing up in a predominately white or otherwise non-black neighborhood and a BM who intentionally chooses WW. In the case of the latter, it would be a deal breaker for me, especially if he's smug about the fact that he dates IR. I do too, what's the big deal?

 

[Incognitus]

Interesting topic, so I'm bumping.

 

[Leigh]

At 29, I feel more confident than I did in my early/late 20s, but I'm not 100% yet.

I think I will ask him about the type of girls he has dated in the past, and not allude to race.

We've been seeing each other for about 2 months now. The second time we met up, he told me that he was looking for someone to date/go to events/on outings with etc. I told him I was open to that.

I'm pretty sure he's into me since we talk/text about every other day and he has no problem meeting me whenever/wherever or spending his days off work with me. But since he's probably open to meeting and dating other women, I don't know where I stand in comparison... maybe it's just my own insecurities coming out.

I wouldn't bring it up. It has no bearing on anything.

 

[BronzyBella]

Update: The facebook I was actually looking at was for a black guy in our city with the same first and last name. *blushes* I guess, Facebook creeping has its side effects.

The responses were really helpful though since I am technically single and have/will encounter guys who are used to dating WW (even my brother is one of them).

The guy I'm currently seeing is pro-black, well-read, and into classical Africa and all that. Things are going well between us so far. *knock on wood*

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Also I'll add....

Don't confuse one's "preference" for who one actually ends up MARRYING. Many people have married those who did NOT originally fit their "preference"/"ideal". When you get married or decide to be w/someone long-term, it's really not based on superficial "preferences".

It encompasses a LOT of things. How does this person make me FEEL? How does this person treat me? Do our goals in life match up? etc...

If I had a dime for every man who said they had a certain "type", but ended up marrying a woman COMPLETELY different from that...I'd be rich.

 

[DragonPearl]

He is dating YOU right now. Relax, enjoy it and see what develops.

Not everyone fits into tight neat little boxes.

 

[ambergirl]

Curious to how this turned out OP.

My advice would have been to not address it head on but rather just see how he treats you. If you're paying attention you'll learn what you need to know.

Also, a big red flag is a brother who makes a point of letting you know you're one of the few black women they've dated as if you're something special. Men like that are looking for a reason to put you in the "black box" so they can then justify to themselves why they don't date black women and are putting you on notice that you better behave a certain way.

 

[tru4reele]

Is he the token black guy u see in a huge group of white friends? Super lame.

 

[MissMasala5]

IME, some BM who dated WW then get with BW do so because they are ready for marriage. Not saying this is the case for the OPs guy, but it's worth consideration.



Sent from the TARDIS.

 

[CurlyMoo]

LOL at all the responses and it was the wrong guy. Facebook stalking gone awry.

 

[MissMasala5]

LOL at all the responses and it was the wrong guy. Facebook stalking awry.

I just read that update. Hilarious!




Sent from the TARDIS.

 

[Theo]

Curious to how this turned out OP.

My advice would have been to not address it head on but rather just see how he treats you. If you're paying attention you'll learn what you need to know.

Also, a big red flag is a brother who makes a point of letting you know you're one of the few black women they've dated as if you're something special. Men like that are looking for a reason to put you in the "black box" so they can then justify to themselves why they don't date black women and are putting you on notice that you better behave a certain way.

I get this with a lot of black men who dated (or maybe have a preference for) light-skinned women. Some would bring it up like they were bestowing an honor on me or something.

 

[greight]

I get this with a lot of black men who dated (or maybe have a preference for) light-skinned women. Some would bring it up like they were bestowing an honor on me or something.

Interestingly... I never bring up race or racial issues when I'm dating a guy at first. The last two, within the first meeting, prefaced most of their interest with "I would NEVER date a white girl" or "I can only see myself with a black woman" and that's on the first date .

And I'm dark skinned with natural hair, but I swear to you --- They always bring it up without any prodding. It feels like a disclaimer.

 

[snillohsss]

I tried not to make this an issue for me, but it is. How do you feel about dating a black man who has a history of dating mostly white women or a preference for white women?

Growing up/living in a predominantly white area myself, I can completely understand when a BM or BW chooses to date outside their race because of the common ground (upbringing, hobbies, interests, peers, etc.) they share with the type of people they grew up with (non-black). When BM or BW exclude other BM/BW based on physical attributes or stereotypes, I have a harder time understanding it.

Anyways, one of the guys I'm casually dating (black) has mostly images of white women, black men, WW/BM couples, and biracial kids on his friends list. To be brutally honest, I sometimes worry that as a BW, maybe he's willing to casually date and maybe sleep with me (we haven't yet) but may not want me as a GF since he seems to have a preference/ideal. Should I feel anxious about something like this? Ask him about the type of girls he usually dates/is attracted to? Or leave it alone?

Leave it alone IMHO. Although I am married, my FB is made up of about 96% white people. By first glance, it would look like I don't associate with black folk at all.

 

[tru4reele]

^^^why? Do ur black friends not have facebook? Or do u not have many black friends?

 

[CORBINS]

I haven't read through all of the posts yet, but I just wanted to add my 2-cents.
It's always been better, in my opinion to be honest about your feelings. You can still remain attractive and self-confident - but still be concerned about something that is bothering you. You don't deserve to let this thought/issue plague you and cause you pain. It will only get worse. Just ask. If he is a good man, he will understand and be willing to be open about it with you.