CONFUSING & HURTFUL SITUATION! HELP LADIES PLEASE!

[in_di_vi_du_al]

I recently (April `09) started "talking" to my brothers-fiances-younger brother. And he's a really sweet guy! Very respectable, and a hard worker! We hit it off from the start. Until, apparently he was visiting his ex-girlfriends house...They don't have ANY kids together, but not long before they got together she had twin girls that he became very close too, so he goes and see's them from time to time, or takes them out. This last time, the ex-girlfriend started going through his cell phone and noticed MY number in there. She flipped out and ended up smashing his windshield in- and since then has attempted to stab him. Should I feel indirectly responsible for this? Should I miss out on an opportunity to get to know a good guy because she wants to be crazy? Also, he did say that for the sake of this situation, he wasn't looking for a relationship RIGHT NOW- but in the future, that may be an option for us. Honestly- I can't blame him for coming to than conclusion, but should I wait around for him to come-to terms? or let it go and remain friends, forever? He says he needs to get his life together, before anything.

So- Recently I'd notice a decline in our communication towards each other. We talked less. Saw eachother less & he seemed all around not interested anymore.
This has really HURT me because I don't know what happened..
I dont know what went wrong?
This last past Saturday-we where invited over to his mother house
for dinner.
There where SO many people there, a lot of which I DIDN'T KNOW!
So I stepped out for a minute with his sister ( my brothers fiance)
and when I came back.. He was downstairs and held the door open for me
was a real gentlemen..but I could tell something was wrong.
He NEVER looked me in the eyes
and in addition to him and his crew coming in
this random girl popped up
But she didnt really talk.
They never said TWO words to each other
I thought she was just a family friend/cousin? Shoot, IDK!
Well it had started to get late, so I said my goodbyes and headed down the stairs.
I was on the phone and not paying much attention, but I DID notice that
he was parked directly in front of me.
He was getting out of his car, And suddenly that girl appeared again..
They where holding hands.
.....
wait what?
I FLIPPED!
I was so hurt.
I am so hurt
I just dont know what happened..
Why her? Why not me?
....
​

 

[JustKiya]

He's not that into you, and the ex ain't as 'ex' as he's made her appear, and are you totally sure those ain't his kids?

Move on, young sis, move on........

 

[Determined22]

That sounds like a lot of drama. Either way I'd have to leave him alone.

 

[Skiggle]

I recently (April `09) started "talking" to my brothers-fiances-younger brother. And he's a really sweet guy! Very respectable, and a hard worker! We hit it off from the start. Until, apparently he was visiting his ex-girlfriends house...They don't have ANY kids together, but not long before they got together she had twin girls that he became very close too, so he goes and see's them from time to time, or takes them out. This last time, the ex-girlfriend started going through his cell phone and noticed MY number in there. She flipped out and ended up smashing his windshield in- and since then has attempted to stab him. Should I feel indirectly responsible for this? Should I miss out on an opportunity to get to know a good guy because she wants to be crazy? Also, he did say that for the sake of this situation, he wasn't looking for a relationship RIGHT NOW- but in the future, that may be an option for us. Honestly- I can't blame him for coming to than conclusion, but should I wait around for him to come-to terms? or let it go and remain friends, forever? He says he needs to get his life together, before anything.

So- Recently I'd notice a decline in our communication towards each other. We talked less. Saw eachother less & he seemed all around not interested anymore.
This has really HURT me because I don't know what happened..
I dont know what went wrong?
This last past Saturday-we where invited over to his mother house
for dinner.
There where SO many people there, a lot of which I DIDN'T KNOW!
So I stepped out for a minute with his sister ( my brothers fiance)
and when I came back.. He was downstairs and held the door open for me
was a real gentlemen..but I could tell something was wrong.
He NEVER looked me in the eyes
and in addition to him and his crew coming in
this random girl popped up
But she didnt really talk.
They never said TWO words to each other
I thought she was just a family friend/cousin? Shoot, IDK!
Well it had started to get late, so I said my goodbyes and headed down the stairs.
I was on the phone and not paying much attention, but I DID notice that
he was parked directly in front of me.
He was getting out of his car, And suddenly that girl appeared again..
They where holding hands.
.....
wait what?
I FLIPPED!
I was so hurt.
I am so hurt
I just dont know what happened..
Why her? Why not me?
....
​

That there
in the red.. would signal to
me its time to dump him
and move on.

 

[Son26]

Why her? Do not waste your time thinking about that. I know it hurts but just move on.

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

He's not that into you, and the ex ain't as 'ex' as he's made her appear, and are you totally sure those ain't his kids?

Move on, young sis, move on........

Yeah, I guess thats true. I just dont know WHY! I dont know what happened- things seemed to be going so well until it just snowballed into nothing. And yes, I know for sure that those arent his kids. I live in a city with 300,000 people and not many black folks! So we all know eachother lol

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

That there
in the red.. would signal to
me its time to dump him
and move on.

That's the thing, I kinda did. But I did it in hopes that if I was worth it that'd he would pull it together- in which case he did not.

 

[Princess4real]

See that's the problem with women, they tell us they don't want a relationship, but we still want to hang around JUST IN CASE he needs a bootie, I mean shoulder to cry on. I'm not totally directing towards you, but I've always wondered why we do that? We want them to be honest and when they are we don't listen. Why do we have that mentality that makes us think, that we have to make a guy want us, even though he clearly doesn't? Why is being rejected a sign for some women, to pull out all of their tricks in the bag to pursue the guy even harder?

 

[JustKiya]

Yeah, I guess thats true. I just dont know WHY! I dont know what happened- things seemed to be going so well until it just snowballed into nothing. And yes, I know for sure that those arent his kids. I live in a city with 300,000 people and not many black folks! So we all know eachother lol

I fully understand the desire to know 'why' - but you'll most likely never know why, unless you continue to chase and attempt to 'revive' his interest in you, which, is just a bad idea.

 

[Bunny77]

Yeah, I guess thats true. I just dont know WHY! I dont know what happened- things seemed to be going so well until it just snowballed into nothing. And yes, I know for sure that those arent his kids. I live in a city with 300,000 people and not many black folks! So we all know eachother lol

Actually, things weren't going all that well.

You had a good conversation and a good rapport, but he said HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

I don't care if he said right now, later, until 2013... it doesn't matter. He told you that... HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

That should have been your cue to exit stage left, or stick around knowing that you were NOT going to be a girlfriend. You held on to the good times you had and built this into more than it was.

Really, there is no WHY to wonder about... once a man tells me that he DOESN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, I have all the information that I need to know.

Which is that he's not trying to get serious with ME. The end.

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

See that's the problem with women, they tell us they don't want a relationship, but we still want to hang around JUST IN CASE he needs a bootie, I mean shoulder to cry on. I'm not totally directing towards you, but I've always wondered why we do that? We want them to be honest and when they are we don't listen. Why do we have that mentality that makes us think, that we have to make a guy want us, even though he clearly doesn't? Why is being rejected a sign for some women, to pull out all of their tricks in the bag and pursue the guy even harder?

No, No- your right. I am always the person people come to advice, and I need to learn how to live through my words. That is easier said than done. When you are in a situation- you cant quite say how you'd respond to it.. but your exactly right. I should've listened. I should've taken my own advice.. like everyone told me. Because I was clearly seeing red flags all over the place and I just... didnt

 

[luvn_life]

Completely and totally move on... And when he tries to talk to you again (which he will try when things fall of with her again) Politely go on about your life... I know it hurts but the longer you stick around the longer its gonna hurt. Breaking up with someone takes alot of work and sometimes people aren't ready to do that especially when there's alot of history.

Also, if a man says he doesn't want a relationship off the bat... you have to take him for his word. Because he usually means just that.

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

I fully understand the desire to know 'why' - but you'll most likely never know why, unless you continue to chase and attempt to 'revive' his interest in you, which, is just a bad idea.

Yeah, tell me about it! That's not going to happen. I just feel like HEY- If you so wanted to be a man and "keep it real" with me from the beginning, then what HAPPENED in thee end?

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

Actually, things weren't going all that well.

You had a good conversation and a good rapport, but he said HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

I don't care if he said right now, later, until 2013... it doesn't matter. He told you that... HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

That should have been your cue to exit stage left, or stick around knowing that you were NOT going to be a girlfriend. You held on to the good times you had and built this into more than it was.

Really, there is no WHY to wonder about... once a man tells me that he DOESN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, I have all the information that I need to know.

Which is that he's not trying to get serious with ME. The end.

Wow.

So.. true.

I just.. ugggghh..

I dont understand why HER though?! He said & I quote "I just got out of a bad relationship, I want to get to know you- and if it gets to that point, then a relationship may be an option"... maybe I took that to much to heart.

Thing is, His sister & I are really good friends (my brothers fiance) and the whole time (Saturday night) she NEVER said ANYTHING TO ME! She never told me that was his girlfriend, Im sitting there conversating with the girl.. as if we had been friends forever. That WOULDNT of been the case if I would've known. I wouldnt of been mad at her.. but I wouldnt of been all up in her face looking like an idiot eithe!

 

[Bunny77]

Wow.

So.. true.

I just.. ugggghh..

I dont understand why HER though?! He said & I quote "I just got out of a bad relationship, I want to get to know you- and if it gets to that point, then a relationship may be an option"... maybe I took that to much to heart.

Thing is, His sister & I are really good friends (my brothers fiance) and the whole time (Saturday night) she NEVER said ANYTHING TO ME! She never told me that was his girlfriend, Im sitting there conversating with the girl.. as if we had been friends forever. That WOULDNT of been the case if I would've known. I wouldnt of been mad at her.. but I wouldnt of been all up in her face looking like an idiot eithe!

Okay, see... here's the deal.

If I've been talking to someone since April, then he doesn't get the chance to "get to know me" and then decide whether he wants to exercise his "option" to be in a relationship with me. Heck naw, what do you think I am? Why do you think that you just get to decide the pace of this situation and I'm supposed to just stick around while you figure things out?

Don't you think that YOU are better than that? And if he just got out of a bad relationship, then he needs to be getting himself together, not trying to meet other women.

A man will not receive the gift of my time and my company if he is not looking for something serious.

And again... WHO CARES WHY HER? It's not you and he's a buster, so whatever mane!

 

[southernchocolate]

I recently (April `09) started "talking" to my brothers-fiances-younger brother. And he's a really sweet guy! Very respectable, and a hard worker! We hit it off from the start. Until, apparently he was visiting his ex-girlfriends house...They don't have ANY kids together, but not long before they got together she had twin girls that he became very close too, so he goes and see's them from time to time, or takes them out. This last time, the ex-girlfriend started going through his cell phone and noticed MY number in there. She flipped out and ended up smashing his windshield in- and since then has attempted to stab him. Should I feel indirectly responsible for this? Should I miss out on an opportunity to get to know a good guy because she wants to be crazy? Also, he did say that for the sake of this situation, he wasn't looking for a relationship RIGHT NOW- but in the future, that may be an option for us. Honestly- I can't blame him for coming to than conclusion, but should I wait around for him to come-to terms? or let it go and remain friends, forever? He says he needs to get his life together, before anything.​

So- Recently I'd notice a decline in our communication towards each other. We talked less. Saw eachother less & he seemed all around not interested anymore.
This has really HURT me because I don't know what happened..
I dont know what went wrong?
This last past Saturday-we where invited over to his mother house
for dinner.
There where SO many people there, a lot of which I DIDN'T KNOW!
So I stepped out for a minute with his sister ( my brothers fiance)
and when I came back.. He was downstairs and held the door open for me
was a real gentlemen..but I could tell something was wrong.
He NEVER looked me in the eyes
and in addition to him and his crew coming in
this random girl popped up
But she didnt really talk.
They never said TWO words to each other
I thought she was just a family friend/cousin? Shoot, IDK!
Well it had started to get late, so I said my goodbyes and headed down the stairs.
I was on the phone and not paying much attention, but I DID notice that
he was parked directly in front of me.
He was getting out of his car, And suddenly that girl appeared again..
They where holding hands.
.....
wait what?
I FLIPPED!
I was so hurt.
I am so hurt
I just dont know what happened..
Why her? Why not me?
....​

Why her and not you? Girl be glad it's NOT you!!! Let him have someone else to play his games with. You are beautiful and I'm sure you can do a lot better.

 

[TayMac]

Girl when he said a relationship might be an OPTION IN THE FUTURE..you just clung onto that for dear life. I've done it before. That just part of their game. He gave you a lil bone to hopefully keep you hanging on until he decides he want to "play." Be glad you saw what you saw so you can have a clean break.

I don't know where this comes from but I've seen it various place and it's true.

"Don't make him your priority when you're just an option."

 

[Bunny77]

Girl when he said a relationship might be an OPTION IN THE FUTURE..you just clung onto that for dear life. I've done it before. That just part of their game. He gave you a lil bone to hopefully keep you hanging on until he decides he want to "play." Be glad you saw what you saw so you can have a clean break.

I don't know where this comes from but I've seen it various place and it's true.

"Don't make him your priority when you're just an option."

Very true. And I'm not going to act like I didn't fall for it too... back when I was younger and new to dating, I used to think that the timing was just "wrong," but ultimately he'd come around.

He came around alright... to another girl!

I actually found out too why HER and not ME. He said he felt he had nothing to offer me -- I was 24 and was in the beginning of my career and he was 26 and kinda in menial jobs, but going back to school (law school). I didn't care about his situation because I knew he was going to law school within a year, but HE cared and he said he ended up falling for a girl with less confidence who was also trying to find herself.

Okay, so I found out why HER and not ME... but did I really need to know that? Did it make me feel better to know that he was intimidated because I had my **** together (at least on the surface) and he chose someone struggling? Not really. I was still pissed.

Long story short, the moral of the story is that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship (regardless of time period), he's saying that he doesn't want one with YOU. Two days later, he could get with someone else and be in a relationship.

Instead of wondering why, when he says he doesn't want a relationship, just move on. Seriously. That way, you won't even have to worry about who else he might end up with, when this "waiting period" for a relationship will end (if ever), and all that other mess.

Just move on to someone who wants to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW and WITH YOU.

 

[starfish]

Very true. And I'm not going to act like I didn't fall for it too... back when I was younger and new to dating, I used to think that the timing was just "wrong," but ultimately he'd come around.

He came around alright... to another girl!

I actually found out too why HER and not ME. He said he felt he had nothing to offer me -- I was 24 and was in the beginning of my career and he was 26 and kinda in menial jobs, but going back to school (law school). I didn't care about his situation because I knew he was going to law school within a year, but HE cared and he said he ended up falling for a girl with less confidence who was also trying to find herself.

Okay, so I found out why HER and not ME... but did I really need to know that? Did it make me feel better to know that he was intimidated because I had my **** together (at least on the surface) and he chose someone struggling? Not really. I was still pissed.

Long story short, the moral of the story is that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship (regardless of time period), he's saying that he doesn't want one with YOU. Two days later, he could get with someone else and be in a relationship.

Instead of wondering why, when he says he doesn't want a relationship, just move on. Seriously. That way, you won't even have to worry about who else he might end up with, when this "waiting period" for a relationship will end (if ever), and all that other mess.

Just move on to someone who wants to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW and WITH YOU.

Word on the bolded. Hard for the ego but once you get this, you won't fall for the okey doke.

 

[Filmatic]

He said there could have been a relationship. You lived your life on a maybe?
You are better and deserve better than a maybe, could have been, should have been. I can tell you right now, if things work out I may give you a million dollars. Doesn't mean you're going to get it and it doesn't say when.

I did the, he doesn't want a relationship once. Held on through hell and high water. He gf me alright. Into the worse relationship of my life. Sometimes you don't need to know why her. Thank God it's her and you are free to move on.

 

[hopeful]

(((hugs))) to the OP. I'm sorry he hurt you. Someone better and more genuine will come along and he will want you, no ifs, ands, or buts.

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

Very true. And I'm not going to act like I didn't fall for it too... back when I was younger and new to dating, I used to think that the timing was just "wrong," but ultimately he'd come around.

He came around alright... to another girl!

I actually found out too why HER and not ME. He said he felt he had nothing to offer me -- I was 24 and was in the beginning of my career and he was 26 and kinda in menial jobs, but going back to school (law school). I didn't care about his situation because I knew he was going to law school within a year, but HE cared and he said he ended up falling for a girl with less confidence who was also trying to find herself.

Okay, so I found out why HER and not ME... but did I really need to know that? Did it make me feel better to know that he was intimidated because I had my **** together (at least on the surface) and he chose someone struggling? Not really. I was still pissed.

Long story short, the moral of the story is that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship (regardless of time period), he's saying that he doesn't want one with YOU. Two days later, he could get with someone else and be in a relationship.

Instead of wondering why, when he says he doesn't want a relationship, just move on. Seriously. That way, you won't even have to worry about who else he might end up with, when this "waiting period" for a relationship will end (if ever), and all that other mess.

Just move on to someone who wants to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW and WITH YOU.

That is very true. I will take EVERYONE`S words of wisdom & advice to heart. Right now, its easier said than done. But I can get through this- its the rejection that isnt sitting too well with me.

 

[onyxdreams]

Girl you dodged a bullet, let him and his crazy girl alone.
He has something still going on with this girl,if he is still deALING WITH HER AFTER SHE TRIED TO STAB HIM.He is where he needs to be and you don't need that kind of drama in your life.That is a lifetime of Hell to deal withthis woman and then her kids on the encount of him. If you choose to look at it as rejection he maybe protecting you.She tried to STAB him what would she do to you? I would be celebrating.

 

[FluffyRed]

Girl, drop it. I have seen this two times

1- my gf was the crazy one. tore up his house -cut up suits, bleached his shoes and shredded all the "nice girl's" ish. They have been married 15 years - got 4 kids.

2 - my gf was the "nice, good girl." Crazy broad ran up on them and ended up dragging him with her car. He got back with crazy broad.

Some men will attract drama and violence, and you do NOT want to be in that vicinity.

Don't even ask "why her?" You don't rate in his equation.

You have no influence over him.

Let it go.

 

[natural2008]

Girl leave him and that crazy woman alone.

 

[Mai Tai]

I recently (April `09) started "talking" to my brothers-fiances-younger brother. And he's a really sweet guy! Very respectable, and a hard worker! We hit it off from the start. Until, apparently he was visiting his ex-girlfriends house...They don't have ANY kids together, but not long before they got together she had twin girls that he became very close too, so he goes and see's them from time to time, or takes them out. This last time, the ex-girlfriend started going through his cell phone and noticed MY number in there. She flipped out and ended up smashing his windshield in- and since then has attempted to stab him. Should I feel indirectly responsible for this? Should I miss out on an opportunity to get to know a good guy because she wants to be crazy? Also, he did say that for the sake of this situation, he wasn't looking for a relationship RIGHT NOW- but in the future, that may be an option for us. Honestly- I can't blame him for coming to than conclusion, but should I wait around for him to come-to terms? or let it go and remain friends, forever? He says he needs to get his life together, before anything.​

So- Recently I'd notice a decline in our communication towards each other. We talked less. Saw eachother less & he seemed all around not interested anymore.
This has really HURT me because I don't know what happened..
I dont know what went wrong?
This last past Saturday-we where invited over to his mother house
for dinner.
There where SO many people there, a lot of which I DIDN'T KNOW!
So I stepped out for a minute with his sister ( my brothers fiance)
and when I came back.. He was downstairs and held the door open for me
was a real gentlemen..but I could tell something was wrong.
He NEVER looked me in the eyes
and in addition to him and his crew coming in
this random girl popped up
But she didnt really talk.
They never said TWO words to each other
I thought she was just a family friend/cousin? Shoot, IDK!
Well it had started to get late, so I said my goodbyes and headed down the stairs.
I was on the phone and not paying much attention, but I DID notice that
he was parked directly in front of me.
He was getting out of his car, And suddenly that girl appeared again..
They where holding hands.
.....
wait what?
I FLIPPED!
I was so hurt.
I am so hurt
I just dont know what happened..
Why her? Why not me?
....​

Wouldn't that make him your future brother in-law. Am I the only one who caught this???

If your brother is marrying his sister then that makes you and him family...not blood related...but family none the less. Girl move on from him...

 

[in_di_vi_du_al]

Wouldn't that make him your future brother in-law. Am I the only one who caught this???

If your brother is marrying his sister then that makes you and him family...not blood related...but family none the less. Girl move on from him...

Yes, my brothers-fiances-brother. As long as we werent blood-related, I saw nothing wrong with it. And even if my brother & his sister get married- there would still be nothing wrong with it lol ..weird. but nothing wrong!

 

[Denise11]

That wasn't his ex. He was seeing her and yu at the same time. That's why she flipped out when she found your number. In reality, he's not a good guy. He's a cheater.

 

[Makenzie]

Also, he did say that for the sake of this situation, he wasn't looking for a relationship RIGHT NOW- but in the future, that may be an option for us.
​

Even before you saw him holding hands with another girl he told you he didn't want a relationship. That right there should have been enough for you to drop any romantic ideas about him.

 

[Makenzie]

Wouldn't that make him your future brother in-law. Am I the only one who caught this???

If your brother is marrying his sister then that makes you and him family...not blood related...but family none the less. Girl move on from him...

What's wrong with that? They aren't blood nor view the other as a brother/sister. I know plenty of people who have married the sibling of their spouse.