hopeful
Well-Known Member
It wasn't me Bunny, I can't take credit for that statement. I do remember that post though and I either co-signed or thanked that comment.
Why are men so confusing?
- Thread starter HairQueen
- Start date
It wasn't me Bunny, I can't take credit for that statement. I do remember that post though and I either co-signed or thanked that comment.
Bunny77
New Member
You're so modest.
I think now that it was Smuckie_Slick that said it!
Oh, and I miss the "thanks" button.
It's funny... a guy I'm dating now (the one from the Rules thread) wanted to see me the first weekend after we met. I wanted to see him too, but I had to work. I told him that and said I'd like to meet the next weekend though.
He did a fake whine and said, "You mean, I have to wait TWO weeks to see you again?" I smiled through the phone and said sweetly, "Yep, you sure do!"
Well, he survived the two weeks and we saw each other and it was all gravy.
While I didn't put him off deliberately, I'm glad in a way that I had the time conflict because it let me see how interested he was in ME that he had to be patient for another chance to see me.Which is why I mentioned to the OP that she might want to spread out the dates with a new guy in the future. :
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
That is smart. You say you guys only kissed, but were these you guys' first dates? That still may have been too much too soon. Don't put yourself out there physically (even if not sex) too quickly.
Oh and never give him both your Friday and Saturday in the same weekend. He can have one or the other and that's only if he asks at least a few days in advance!
Hmm.... :scratchch .... this sounds like "The Rules"!!!
I must say...those "Rules" may seem kind of "old-fashioned" and like pure rubbish sometimes, but if you really take a look at them, you'll see that most of what the book advocates is really the truth!! Especially when starting a *new* relationship.
HairQueen
Active Member
That is smart. You say you guys only kissed, but were these you guys' first dates? That still may have been too much too soon. Don't put yourself out there physically (even if not sex) too quickly.
Oh and never give him both your Friday and Saturday in the same weekend. He can have one or the other and that's only if he asks at least a few days in advance!
Thanks for the advice. The crazy thing is I already KNOW all this, I have every book 'The Rules' 'Why men love *****@s' 'he's just not that into you' but i STILL manage to get caught up in the moments. At the time I felt so happy..
It was holidays in the uk so the whole country had an extra day off work so it was a long weekend, i just got caught up in the whole thing, I should have turned him down when he asked to see me on the Saturday night but I was like what the heck its the holidays..
Now I am paying for my mistake. Seems like it doesn't take much for a guy to think you are all into him and then run away as fast as he can even though HE was the one telling me how much he likes me. He even got upset at me when I said 'but we hardly know each other' he just kept saying he really likes me and it was the best weekend he had had in ages. Oh well guess it was all just one big LIE!
HairQueen
Active Member
OP, I definitely feel you. But I will agree with those that said men are only confusing because WE try to ignore the obvious signs that they give.But if a guy likes you he will show it. Period.
But I will say this. I don't think four days is a long time to not hear from him, especially if you guys just met each other. Maybe I'm wrong, though... I'm a bit rusty on the whole dating thing.
Thanks for your advice. I agree that we do ignore signs sometimes but also think that things are not always what they seem.
Sometimes men may have emotional issues and be afraid of getting close to someone in case they lose them.
For example this guy I am talking about told me his mother died when he was 17 and he was the one who found her dead body. He also told me his former wife cheated on him and got herself preganant by another man.
Of course these could all be lies that he told me too or they may be true but still have nothing to do with why he is not calling me i.e. he is just not calling because he is not interested but I sometimes wonder if it could also be fear of getting close.
Bunny77
New Member
Or, once again, women are making excuses for men.
He could very well have emotional issues that prevent him from wanting to get close, but you know what? He needs to go see a dang on therapist for that.
If a man approaches me with interest and tells me all this wonderful stuff about me, I don't give two whatevers about his mama dying and his wife leaving or whatever as the possible excuse for why he's not contacting me again. If life sucks so much and a man is so hurt and scared of getting close to someone, how about he just leave women alone? Oh no... they won't do that. They know what they're doing, so WE need to stop making excuses for them.
Really, while I don't think you made a huge mistake, the point is that this guy probably really enjoyed your company and enjoyed being with you for that weekend, but that doesn't mean that he wants anything more than that.
Women think that because they have a few great moments with a new man that things are off to something great, when really, that isn't the case unless the man continues to move things along. This guy could be going out with some other woman this weekend and saying the same thing to her... the point is, you had a great weekend, he was into it at the time, but once the weekend was over, he moved on for whatever reason. And honestly, it doesn't matter the reason... the point is, he isn't calling.
Men are very prone to get caught up in the moment. That's why it's up to women to maintain their wits and keep the tempo steady so they don't get caught up in a fantasy.
HairQueen
Active Member
Yep true which is why I said his emotional issues may or may not have anything to do with it at all.
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Awww...HQ now don't go beating yourself up for anything.
You did NOTHING wrong! If you had called him and texted him and asked him why he hasn't called you in 5 days...THEN I would say that you made a big mistake! But you didn't do that, so please, don't beat yourself up just because you spent two consecutive days having fun with a guy. It's not worth putting yourself down for that. I repeat: you did NOTHING wrong. You just got caught up in the moment! Maybe spending two days back to back with him wasn't wise, but it wasn't like YOU were the one asking. HE was the one asking. But it's true, we have to "slow men down" sometimes. Because they'll go fast on a collision course. Right now all you need to do is just view the weekend like HE views it. You had two nice fun evenings with a handsome guy...plain and simple. You guys had fun, lived in the moment, and really enjoyed each other's company. That's how we women have to think. THINK LIKE A MAN! Don't see past the next day. I think we women get so caught up (trust me... I have too) when we really like a guy and we're having so much fun with him, that we tend to look a little TOO far into the future. The trick is to "stay in the moment" with a guy, and don't think too far ahead into the future.
Remember...he should be convincing YOU! Think of guys as job applicants, and you as the employer. The job applicant should be trying to prove his worth to YOU in a job interview. Not the other way around. You don't see an employer calling back all the job applicants or wondering why they haven't continued to call the company...NO! The employer will call the job applicant when they have chosen that they want that candidate. In the meantime, the job applicant should be trying to impress the employer. ie... HE should be trying to impress YOU!
Girl...pick yourself up, put on a happy face, and be on the lookout for another guy who is willing to take you out this weekend and go have "fun" with him! You will know when a guy wants to have more than just "fun" with you because he will continue to ask you out, and will continue to call you and integrate himself in your life. So, right now you don't have to worry about the other guys. They're just "fun" material.
Once again... Bunny has spoken the truth!
I totally agree. I believe this guy is interested (hence all the "sweet words", wanting to see you, etc), but you best better believe he's seeing other girls that he's interested in too. Guys have girls on a ladder. Don't believe me?? Google "the ladder theory" and you'll see what I mean. Guys had to hip me on to this. lol* Anyway, he's probably pursuing some other girl whom HE thinks is "higher" up on his ladder. So, don't worry about him! Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he calls you again later on down the line and tries to hang out with you again.
IF/when he does call you again to hang out or talk, I would just be fly, breezy, and care-free. No attitude, no bitterness, no "drama". In fact, I would sound happy on the phone, and act like you barely even remember him.
"Who's this again?? Oh!! Right... I remember you!" 
Then, if he asks you to hang out, just say something slightly elusive like: "oh...hmm...I think I may have other plans already that day." (remember, we have to keep these guys on their toes at least a little bit) This will make him know that you have your own life, and that if he really wants to spend time with you he will need to step up his game. This will also let him know that you're not just sitting around the house waiting for his phone call, or waiting until "your number is up" so that he can go pick you from the crowd and spend time with him again. PUH-leeze girlfriend! You have much better things to do with your time other than sitting around waiting for this man.
If you do this he will have to say to himself: "hmmm....this one's different. I'm going to have to try harder with her if I really want her." :scratchch
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Bunny77
New Member
P.S.: If my tone sounded harsh, that wasn't really directed at you.
It's more to the whole theme of analyzing men and wondering why they do things... which I used to be guilty of... it's not even worth it anymore, because I know that with the men who really are into me (by words and actions), I never have to wonder anything!
It just makes life so much easier that way!
MonaLisa
Well-Known Member
This is what I thought when I read the thread title. Men are not confusing. There are no codes. When I started to take their actions and words at face value without assigning meaning to everything, all confusion went out the window.
Nice summation...and I have quite a few male friends that will back up what you said.
Good advice.
Bunny77
New Member
Crystal, I loved your post!
I think "living in the moment" is a good lesson for all of we women to learn. I know that most of us are eventually looking for something more serious, and that's okay, but we need not think that every great date is a "sign" of anything more than the fact that it was just a good date.
Now, more good dates could follow... or that might be the only one you have with that guy. Don't worry about it... live in the moment, have fun, but don't get too caught up in emotion that you do something you think you'd regret if you never see that guy again.
And if you are looking for something serious, I say to not do too much, too soon, in terms of spending time with a man who's not committed to you. Short early dates, etc... leave him wanting more!
(Not saying this is why HairQueen's date didn't call... just saying, sometimes you can really see how interested a man is if he keeps planning multiple dates over a period of time. How does he handle being put on ice for a minute?)
I think "living in the moment" is a good lesson for all of we women to learn. I know that most of us are eventually looking for something more serious, and that's okay, but we need not think that every great date is a "sign" of anything more than the fact that it was just a good date.
Now, more good dates could follow... or that might be the only one you have with that guy. Don't worry about it... live in the moment, have fun, but don't get too caught up in emotion that you do something you think you'd regret if you never see that guy again.
And if you are looking for something serious, I say to not do too much, too soon, in terms of spending time with a man who's not committed to you. Short early dates, etc... leave him wanting more!
(Not saying this is why HairQueen's date didn't call... just saying, sometimes you can really see how interested a man is if he keeps planning multiple dates over a period of time. How does he handle being put on ice for a minute?)
HairQueen
Active Member
Awww...HQ now don't go beating yourself up for anything.
Right now all you need to do is just view the weekend like HE views it. You had two nice fun evenings with a handsome guy...plain and simple. You guys had fun, lived in the moment, and really enjoyed each other's company. That's how we women have to think. THINK LIKE A MAN! Don't see past the next day. I think we women get so caught up (trust me... I have too) when we really like a guy and we're having so much fun with him, that we tend to look a little TOO far into the future. The trick is to "stay in the moment" with a guy, and don't think too far ahead into the future.
Remember...he should be convincing YOU! Think of guys as job applicants, and you as the employer. The job applicant should be trying to prove his worth to YOU in a job interview. Not the other way around. You don't see an employer calling back all the job applicants or wondering why they haven't continued to call the company...NO! The employer will call the job applicant when they have chosen that they want that candidate. In the meantime, the job applicant should be trying to impress the employer. ie... HE should be trying to impress YOU!
Girl...pick yourself up, put on a happy face, and be on the lookout for another guy who is willing to take you out this weekend and go have "fun" with him! You will know when a guy wants to have more than just "fun" with you because he will continue to ask you out, and will continue to call you and integrate himself in your life. So, right now you don't have to worry about the other guys. They're just "fun" material.
Once again... Bunny has spoken the truth!
I totally agree. I believe this guy is interested (hence all the "sweet words", wanting to see you, etc), but you best better believe he's seeing other girls that he's interested in too. Guys have girls on a ladder. Don't believe me?? Google "the ladder theory" and you'll see what I mean. Guys had to hip me on to this. lol* Anyway, he's probably pursuing some other girl whom HE thinks is "higher" up on his ladder. So, don't worry about him! Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he calls you again later on down the line and tries to hang out with you again.
IF/when he does call you again to hang out or talk, I would just be fly, breezy, and care-free. No attitude, no bitterness, no "drama". In fact, I would sound happy on the phone, and act like you barely even remember him.
This will make him know that you have your own life, and that if he really wants to spend time with you he will need to step up his game. This will also let him know that you're not just sitting around the house waiting for his phone call, or waiting until "your number is up" so that he can go pick you from the crowd and spend time with him again. PUH-leeze girlfriend! You have much better things to do with your time other than sitting around waiting for this man.
Thanks for your advice and support. Its just hard out here in London there are like NO decent men. I am 33 bioglogical clock ticking and all that. Its not that easy to find another guy to go on to. I meet men quite often but not of any good quality so its like going from one bad egg to another i just wanted to make it work with someone for once. *sigh*
HairQueen
Active Member
P.S.: If my tone sounded harsh, that wasn't really directed at you.
It's more to the whole theme of analyzing men and wondering why they do things... which I used to be guilty of... it's not even worth it anymore, because I know that with the men who really are into me (by words and actions), I never have to wonder anything!
It just makes life so much easier that way!
Thankyou. Sometimes harsh words are what we need to hear becasue it kicks us into shape however at the moment I am feeling totally crushed and its very hard to hear when you are already feeling low. However the truth is the truth..
HairQueen
Active Member
I've been brushing men off and keeping it moving for the last 4 years in a row, its getting hard now..
Thanks for advice anyway.
Bunny77
New Member
It is easier to hear "keep it moving" when you're 23 and not 33. I'm sure it is very frustrating... and I don't know the situation in London, but I'll take your word for it.
(Can you move?
)
HairQueen
Active Member
Awww...HQ now don't go beating yourself up for anything.
Right now all you need to do is just view the weekend like HE views it. You had two nice fun evenings with a handsome guy...plain and simple. You guys had fun, lived in the moment, and really enjoyed each other's company. That's how we women have to think. THINK LIKE A MAN! Don't see past the next day. I think we women get so caught up (trust me... I have too) when we really like a guy and we're having so much fun with him, that we tend to look a little TOO far into the future. The trick is to "stay in the moment" with a guy, and don't think too far ahead into the future.
Remember...he should be convincing YOU! Think of guys as job applicants, and you as the employer. The job applicant should be trying to prove his worth to YOU in a job interview. Not the other way around. You don't see an employer calling back all the job applicants or wondering why they haven't continued to call the company...NO! The employer will call the job applicant when they have chosen that they want that candidate. In the meantime, the job applicant should be trying to impress the employer. ie... HE should be trying to impress YOU!
Girl...pick yourself up, put on a happy face, and be on the lookout for another guy who is willing to take you out this weekend and go have "fun" with him! You will know when a guy wants to have more than just "fun" with you because he will continue to ask you out, and will continue to call you and integrate himself in your life. So, right now you don't have to worry about the other guys. They're just "fun" material.
Once again... Bunny has spoken the truth!
I totally agree. I believe this guy is interested (hence all the "sweet words", wanting to see you, etc), but you best better believe he's seeing other girls that he's interested in too. Guys have girls on a ladder. Don't believe me?? Google "the ladder theory" and you'll see what I mean. Guys had to hip me on to this. lol* Anyway, he's probably pursuing some other girl whom HE thinks is "higher" up on his ladder. So, don't worry about him! Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he calls you again later on down the line and tries to hang out with you again.
IF/when he does call you again to hang out or talk, I would just be fly, breezy, and care-free. No attitude, no bitterness, no "drama". In fact, I would sound happy on the phone, and act like you barely even remember him.
This will make him know that you have your own life, and that if he really wants to spend time with you he will need to step up his game. This will also let him know that you're not just sitting around the house waiting for his phone call, or waiting until "your number is up" so that he can go pick you from the crowd and spend time with him again. PUH-leeze girlfriend! You have much better things to do with your time other than sitting around waiting for this man.
There's a ladder???? **Googling 'the ladder theory' as fast as i can**
Bunny77
New Member
If you go, go ONLY because you want to and were planning to go anyway.
Then while you're there, just go and have the time of your life. If he talks to you, be friendly and cool like you usually are, and don't say a darn thing about last weekend. Act like it never existed. Then maybe make an exit to go talk to someone else.... "Hey, it was great chatting with you. I'm going to go over here and talk to my girl. See ya!"
Oh, and let him approach you, not vice versa. If he doesn't approach, don't bother.
Nyssa28
Well-Known Member
jade998
Active Member
I know how hard it can be in London, I have lived in London for the past 5 years and what I have noticed is that there is this thing here of so little good men, that certain men take that as a sign to show themselve up. I have been on a date with a british guy, only for him to leave before the bill to go to the bathroom and left me to pay. Can I stress this guy was begging to take me out. Sometime, I think that they are trying to see how much you like them, and when the clock is thinking I know that we can feel like we need to hang onto any guy that comes across have decent. However, I know that I deserve more!!!!
Don't lose heart. If this guy likes you, he will let you know and really for a first date, 4/5 days isn't that long. Guys take things slow, and if you like him, just enjoy life. Get to know him. It takes time to know if this is someone that you want to spend he rest of your life with. Take the emotions out of the decision making for now
I am learning patience at the moment. I was listening to "Eric Roberson"- Too Soon and sometimes I think this is how guys feel sometimes. (go to his myspace to hear the song)
Sorry so long, just wanted to encourage you and let you know don't lose
heart.
http://www.myspace.com/ericroberson
Really can't explain girl the way I feel, nooo
All I know is all I want you to be near, yeahhh
I know that its due, but please be patient I'm learning you
and all I want is you too learn me too
(Chorus)
So girl when I say (say)
say girl lets take our time( time)
Understand girl that I'm (that I'm)
I'm not offering game (game)
Hopefully girl in time (time)
how u and i deal with change (change)
Its soon too say i love u(3x)
I can say it too make your heart feel good, oooo
But its best that we are both understood
yeahhhh
Its important that I'm the same way for you right down the line
And that you see is what I want to shine
(Chorus)
So girl when I say (say)
say girl lets take our time( time)
Understand girl that I'm (that I'm)
I'm not offering game (game)
Hopefully girl in time (time)
how u and i deal with change (change)
Its soon too say i love u(3x)
Theres so much I want to sayyyy
so much I feel inside
I just want it to be right, so lets take our time
to hopefully forever
(Chorus 2x)
So girl when I say (say)
say girl lets take our time( time)
Understand girl that I'm (that I'm)
I'm not offering game (game)
Hopefully girl in time (time)
how u and i deal with change (change) Its soon too say i love u(3x)
HairQueen
Active Member
It is easier to hear "keep it moving" when you're 23 and not 33. I'm sure it is very frustrating... and I don't know the situation in London, but I'll take your word for it.
(Can you move?
I have thought about moving but it seems crazy and drastic to pick up my whole life and move just cos i cant find a decent man.
I think to myself, what if i go to another country and they are all a bunch of losers there too..
HairQueen
Active Member
Thankyou for your kind words of support. Seriously i just can't believe how nice some people are on this forum, we are strangers on the other side of the world but still people care about my stupid problems! And how sweet of u to post the words of that song thankyou.. ((HUG))
Bunny77
New Member
Well, I'll say this to that...
What are your priorities? Would you pack up and move for school? How about for a job? If not for either, then sure, it makes little sense to pack up and move for a man.
But women all over the world have and continue to move for marriage. If finding a partner to have children with and live the rest of your life with is that important to you, then it's absolutely worth moving for, in my opinion.
I'm not saying that everyone must do this, but I wonder why we'll move for material things but balk at the idea of moving for what might end up being the most important part of our lives.
Before I move, I'd do some research though about the country, the people there, the relationship mindset... visit a few times... heck, I hear that black British women are moving to the USA in droves to find a good man!
(But don't too many of y'all come over here now!
)Have you heard of this woman?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/05/mayor-adrian-and-michelle_n_164171.html
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Lovelylife
New Member
He just wants to have fun, he's not the commitment type.
HairQueen
Active Member
Okay....so I have just received a text from him.
In my anguish I think i forgot to put in my post that I texted him yesterday morning. Just to make it clear this is how the story goes:
1. Had two great dates in a row (Fri & Sat)
2. Heard nothing for 4 days
3. Day 5 I sent him a text at 8.30am "hi how have u been, you ok?" I get no reply..
4. Day 6 I get a text at 6.30pm (i.e. 10 minutes ago) from him saying "are u out tonight?"
What do I respond to that????
(Just to add, he knows that I know where he hangs out every Friday night i.e. the bar we met in, which he knows i sometimes go to )
In my anguish I think i forgot to put in my post that I texted him yesterday morning. Just to make it clear this is how the story goes:
1. Had two great dates in a row (Fri & Sat)
2. Heard nothing for 4 days
3. Day 5 I sent him a text at 8.30am "hi how have u been, you ok?" I get no reply..
4. Day 6 I get a text at 6.30pm (i.e. 10 minutes ago) from him saying "are u out tonight?"
What do I respond to that????
(Just to add, he knows that I know where he hangs out every Friday night i.e. the bar we met in, which he knows i sometimes go to )
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You're so modest.
I think now that it was Smuckie_Slick that said it!
Oh, and I miss the "thanks" button.
It's funny... a guy I'm dating now (the one from the Rules thread) wanted to see me the first weekend after we met. I wanted to see him too, but I had to work. I told him that and said I'd like to meet the next weekend though.
He did a fake whine and said, "You mean, I have to wait TWO weeks to see you again?" I smiled through the phone and said sweetly, "Yep, you sure do!"
Well, he survived the two weeks and we saw each other and it was all gravy.
Which is why I mentioned to the OP that she might want to spread out the dates with a new guy in the future. :
The bolded is a good point. I love that he whined about waiting two weeks, that was cute.
I am so glad Bunny chimed in because I wanted to help but I was like
, I had no idea what you should do.If you have hit rock-bottom, and have had no promising romantic opportunities in 4 years, then you just need to decide if you can imagine living with never marrying. Are your career, friends, etc. enough? Not saying you should move, just that you should examine your options and decide what is most important to you, really seriously.
I would ignore the text and I would not go to that club tonight. He is making way too little effort. He'd have to pick up the phone, directly ask me out, something. You deserve better.
Bunny77
New Member
I am so glad Bunny chimed in because I wanted to help but I was like
This actually happened to me a few weeks ago. I was going to a party, and the party organizer said that I guy that took me on a date (but didn't want to pursue anything after that) would be there.
So I was nervous, but I went. I chatted up other guys, and I happened to see this one. He smiled at me, and I smiled back and waved. When he walked by on the way to talk to someone else, he said, "Hey Bunny!" I said, "Hey guy, how's it going?
" and turned back around to the man I was talking to.I was all worried and it turned out to be no big deal. I had a good time.
Right, I'm not saying one absolutely must move, but if it is that important to someone, why not consider it? I always said I would if need be... but to another state, lol!
Sounds like good advice to me. Plus, he was only responding to her text... actually, he didn't even answer her question, it was just, "Are you going out tonight?"
Not cool.
I might go back to the club in two weeks, but tonight it might be best to skip it.
MissJ
Well-Known Member
Nayna
Unbothered
Dang Im going to London at the end of the year I was hoping to see some cuties! J/k, lol. I say keep it moving only because I don't think it helps ur self esteem to dwell on one dude and why it went wrong or why hasn't he called, especially if ur not going to call and ask (which u don't have to do). In time you'll see that when u get the right one you'll appreciate him that much more, good luck and keep ur head up.
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