choosing marriage over your career

[Honey Bee]

You're post really has nothing to do with this situation. Just because a woman makes more money or has more power in a relationship does not predispose her to infidelity. It's offensive to think that. Marriage doesn't need to have the "man in charge" at all times to make it work. That's an archaic line of thinking that promoted by sexist men who want to keep women in their place, and oblivious women who desperately want husbands.

The truth is in the "white" world, woman have been making more money and having more power in the relationship. What happens is the same thing, the man, uncomfortable with losing power over his relationship will make a power play that deprives the woman of her power and success at the expense of the family It very seldom happens that a woman choses to leave her family. It's unfair to assume that any woman that makes more than a man will cheat.

@ 1st bold, You're totally misconstruing my words. What I'm talking about specifically is the difference in power, or, her job causing a shift in a pre-existing arrangement. A man who had a job, and relative pride, in his hometown will simply not relish the thought of moving to a new place where he has to start looking all over again, especially in this economy. Nobody said nothing about a man always having to be in charge, I really don't even know where you got that. I also don't know where you got that 'she's predisposed to cheat' thing from either, because I (thought I) made quite a point of not blaming her. I posted that, more or less, the new power had gone to her head, a completely natural reaction.

@ 2nd bold, I don't particularly concern myself with white women and how they manage their families. No malice, I just don't care, so bringing up what white people do really won't make your point to me. But, since you brought it up, as I understand it, the divorce rate is high as heck among white people too, so obviously, they're having a problem handling modernity as well.




Now, in the specific case of the OP, he does sound like he's trying to inhibit her natural growth, in which case, the question becomes: which does she value more, her career or her marriage? Not casting judgment, just calling it out how I see it. It's a difficult choice, and she'll have to weigh different factors. The most important is whether she's really, truly, for real -for real, serious about leaving her husband. Does her desire for financial security outweigh her love for him?

Again, not casting judgment, because she might be in a place where she feels she's outgrown him and that she's ready to move on. Based on what you said, she's already starting to feel restricted by him and his demands. Absent some sort of intervention, the automatic next step is marital dysfunction, which would present itself according their personalities and prior dynamic. It could be cheating, like what happened to my brother, or it could be physical or emotional abuse. Or something else crazy. If this sounds right, maybe her best, drama-free, bet would be to go ahead, bounce on him, and take the job.

When it comes to my own personal life, I'm about that paper , so I personally would never plan to procreate with anyone who was unable take care of me and mine. I'm talking regardless of whether he's unemployed or not, he better have some savings or a plan or something. I don't play. But. She married him in the first place, knowing full well that he didn't have a career path. This should have been discussed in one of those 'how would you feel if...?' conversations you have before you get married or start a family. My grandmother, who passed before I was born, used to say, 'Take care of it upfront, so it don't stick out behind.' It's the truth, and I find myself repeating the phrase at least twice a week. Sadly, I think it applies here. Your friend has a lot of heavy decisions to make, and I hope it works out positively for her and her kids. And, depending on how she's feeling, her husband too, wth.

 

[Ladybelle]

The bolded is exactly what I was getting at. The question at the end of the day seems to be something like: "Does being married mean that I have to sacrifice something that I really want and think would be good for me, just because I'm married[/I]?" Simply deciding to leave regardless of hubby's feelings sounds like a decision to divorce, at least functionally, as regarding finances , the children, and obviously personal decision-making (wife becomes independent), it's practically the same thing.

ETA: This may sound extreme, but I have known people that made hours long commutes so that their family would not have to re-locate. Not daily, but they stayed where their job was during the week and came home on the weekends. Not an ideal situation, but it may be the type of compromise that could possibly give hubby the time to think about moving or become amenable to it without it being like a "Get on board or get lost" kind of thing. I'm not trying to give advice, I'm just saying I've seen it done.

The bolded is what I was getting at.I just don't think that is fair or is right. Now, she ain't making six figures but she is making enough money to not just give up all willy nilly. I think she might be better off on her own, but I know stuff about their marriage that I wouldn't dare tell anyone. At your suggestion of the commute thing, it might not be the best arrangment, but it's an idea. Another idea he has already shot down. He is not willing to compromise on the issue whatsoever - to me that's a big problem.

I also found out in talking with her yesterday that the job does offer spousal assistance & he could very likely get a job with the same company she works for making the same or more than what he currently makes. He's not hearing of that either.

I'm just like dayum- the only way she can make this man happy is to do what he wants her to do, which is give up her career and trust him to handle things until she can find something else. Well -newsflash mister, your income is not enough to handle everything, if it was she would be at home with the babies right now. Wtf? sheeesh - this whole thing pisses me off.

This is what I SAY I would do. But I said on the first page, I'm not in love with him. But after a certain period of time, if the marriage was revolved around his selfish decisions I would consider leaving him. At some time is has to be about the family and not him. If he comes he comes, if he doesn't then he wasn't worth it.

I'm sad to say it - I'm with you. if he loves his family & wife as much as he says he does, it wouldn't be long before he was there. If not, *** him. I hate to sound like a "mbw" but it is what it is. Maybe I'm not taking the institution of marriage seriously enough as I probably shouldn't think it's okay for her to handle her business the way she thinks is best. I should probably be thinking that a woman stands by her man right,wrong or indifferent. I just don't think that way though.

All of this 'I would never go above my husband and he always has the last word' talk is freaking me the heck out! Do men really make these awesome decisions all the time? Do womens decisions really suck that bad??! For all serious matters? Or if he makes a bad family desicion it's just like 'oopsie...oh well honey...u still da man...we can make it! ' but if she makes a bad decision it's 'das cuz you went above meeee!!! rawr!!!' Wooooow...I mean yea, it's in the bible...but so are....well I'm not religious so...but wooooow *flava flavs voice*

Well...I will be very careful in choosing a mate ...hopefully

OP, I hope your friend does whatever is best for the children. Whatever that may be.

Me too! Are women not capable of making decisions? Or at the very least, shouldn't her feelings be strongly considered before the man just hushes her and tells her to "let me handle it" ? Which brings me to another point, if he feels he chose the right wife, shoudn't he trust her God given instincts? I think instincts,intuition or whatever you wanna call it is something women have that men don't. And, her instincts are telling her this is the best thing for the family.

Is she happily married? If not, she needs to take the job.

No. she's not. Hasn't been for awhile now - but they are trying to work it out.

Relocating the whole family, even only three hours away, is a big decision so it shouldn't be taken lightly. But to me the bolded is the problem. If these are his only objections to moving then his motivations are selfish and it's all about his ego.

I hate to say it but it sounds like this marriage is kind of shaky anyway if he holds these kinds of attitudes and pipe dreams so I would be inclined suggest she take the job because at least then she'll have the capacity to care for herself and her kids. But with a man like this, that will likely mean the end of the marriage so that is hard. This one is really tough, I wish your friend well.

How does a woman successfully deal with a male ego problem? Certainly it isn't by reverting back to the 1900's is it? I don't know.

@ 1st bold, You're totally misconstruing my words. What I'm talking about specifically is the difference in power, or, her job causing a shift in a pre-existing arrangement. A man who had a job, and relative pride, in his hometown will simply not relish the thought of moving to a new place where he has to start looking all over again, especially in this economy. Nobody said nothing about a man always having to be in charge, I really don't even know where you got that. I also don't know where you got that 'she's predisposed to cheat' thing from either, because I (thought I) made quite a point of not blaming her. I posted that, more or less, the new power had gone to her head, a completely natural reaction.

@ 2nd bold, I don't particularly concern myself with white women and how they manage their families. No malice, I just don't care, so bringing up what white people do really won't make your point to me. But, since you brought it up, as I understand it, the divorce rate is high as heck among white people too, so obviously, they're having a problem handling modernity as well.




Now, in the specific case of the OP, he does sound like he's trying to inhibit her natural growth, in which case, the question becomes: which does she value more, her career or her marriage? Not casting judgment, just calling it out how I see it. It's a difficult choice, and she'll have to weigh different factors. The most important is whether she's really, truly, for real -for real, serious about leaving her husband. Does her desire for financial security outweigh her love for him?

Again, not casting judgment, because she might be in a place where she feels she's outgrown him and that she's ready to move on. Based on what you said, she's already starting to feel restricted by him and his demands. Absent some sort of intervention, the automatic next step is marital dysfunction, which would present itself according their personalities and prior dynamic. It could be cheating, like what happened to my brother, or it could be physical or emotional abuse. Or something else crazy. If this sounds right, maybe her best, drama-free, bet would be to go ahead, bounce on him, and take the job.

When it comes to my own personal life, I'm about that paper , so I personally would never plan to procreate with anyone who was unable take care of me and mine. I'm talking regardless of whether he's unemployed or not, he better have some savings or a plan or something. I don't play. But. She married him in the first place, knowing full well that he didn't have a career path. This should have been discussed in one of those 'how would you feel if...?' conversations you have before you get married or start a family. My grandmother, who passed before I was born, used to say, 'Take care of it upfront, so it don't stick out behind.' It's the truth, and I find myself repeating the phrase at least twice a week. Sadly, I think it applies here. Your friend has a lot of heavy decisions to make, and I hope it works out positively for her and her kids. And, depending on how she's feeling, her husband too, wth.

I appreciate all of your points, especially the bolded. I'm just an outsider, but to me it seems as if he is always,always trying to inhibit her natural growth. And, I personally think SHE and any other woman should value herself more than any marriage. Because at the end of the day, what happens is she will end up losing herself and wondering what happened to the beautiful woman she could have became all for the sake of marriage? That's a tough decision and the way I feel about things right now, I would choose ME & the kiddos. who she is and who she becomes strongly influences who & what her children will become - imo.

 

[ambergirl]

How does a woman successfully deal with a male ego problem? Certainly it isn't by reverting back to the 1900's is it? I don't know.

Girl if you figure out how to handle the male ego write a book because you will be a gazillionaire!

From what I can tell how many women handle it is to manipulate and stroke that ego by making them think they're so smart and everything good is their idea...maybe that's how your friend should have handled it...play around with his head and make him think the move was his idea.

 

[cheetarah1980]

The bolded is exactly what I was getting at. The question at the end of the day seems to be something like: "Does being married mean that I have to sacrifice something that I really want and think would be good for me, just because I'm married?" Simply deciding to leave regardless of hubby's feelings sounds like a decision to divorce, at least functionally, as regarding finances , the children, and obviously personal decision-making (wife becomes independent), it's practically the same thing.

ETA: This may sound extreme, but I have known people that made hours long commutes so that their family would not have to re-locate. Not daily, but they stayed where their job was during the week and came home on the weekends. Not an ideal situation, but it may be the type of compromise that could possibly give hubby the time to think about moving or become amenable to it without it being like a "Get on board or get lost" kind of thing. I'm not trying to give advice, I'm just saying I've seen it done.

It's actually not extreme at all, especially since the new location is only 3 hours away. My father did this for several years when I was a kid. He would leave Sunday night and come home Friday evenings. My mom had a job she couldn't leave and my dad's job placed him 3 hours away when he first got on board. Families make these arrangements work all the time. Is it something that can be done indefinitely? Probably not. But 12-18 months is enough time to figure out a more permanent solution without dissolving the marriage.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Girl if you figure out how to handle the male ego write a book because you will be a gazillionaire!

From what I can tell how many women handle it is to manipulate and stroke that ego by making them think they're so smart and everything good is their idea...maybe that's how your friend should have handled it...play around with his head and make him think the move was his idea.

THAT right there, is how you handle men. I handle my man like that and he really has no idea.

 

[natural2008]

The wife should keep her jpb and be happy. Why is it that folks always let the man make the decisions. Nope don't give up her career, if she does she will be unhappy.

 

[kmn1980]

I think they need to talk about it (diagram it if need be). This move will take place in a year. A lot can happen in a year. She could change her mind or he could come around. When does she have to give the company an answer?

 

[princessnad]

In general, people are more likely to get a higher status job at another company than trying to "work their way up." She should tell her hubby this. He has 12 months to look for a job in the other town. He needs to get on it!

 

[Ladybelle]

I think they need to talk about it (diagram it if need be). This move will take place in a year. A lot can happen in a year. She could change her mind or he could come around. When does she have to give the company an answer?

They want a tentative answer in January. If she says yes, she has the option to back out at any time as long as she has not received any relocation benefits.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

The wife should keep her jpb and be happy. Why is it that folks always let the man make the decisions. Nope don't give up her career, if she does she will be unhappy.

I have no idea.....

 

[JayAnn0513]

They want a tentative answer in January. If she says yes, she has the option to back out at any time as long as she has not received any relocation benefits.

I'd keep working on him and if he hasn't come around by Jan I'd let me him know the kids and I are moving and he is welcome to come if he wants. If not he has made his decision.

This whole situation boggles the mind. In my family we follow the money...my job or his.

 

[MD_Lady]

The wife should keep her jpb and be happy. Why is it that folks always let the man make the decisions. Nope don't give up her career, if she does she will be unhappy.

Because some women would rather be angry with themselves than have their DH be angry with them.

 

[Ladybelle]

In essence it seems that it may be easier on her marriage if she doesn't go, even if things don't go well they struggle financially once they go through the severence money, he would be the reason & he couldn't get angry with her. I strongly doubt she's going to be able to find a job making what she's making even if she starts looking now. But, if she goes & things don't go as they should, he will fault her for the failures and use the "I told you so" reason for any & everything that goes wrong. I don't suspect anything would go wrong, but if it did - I can only imagine how he would react.

Another thing that concerns me is that this isn't about taking the job- that's a no brainer , this is about possibly losing her marriage if she chooses the job.Who wants to have to make such a difficult decision?

 

[diadall]

I asked my coworker and he said if she promised more sports cable channels he is ready to roll out.