choosing marriage over your career

[Ladybelle]

I didn't want to quote this, but someone mentioned the bible- and how wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. If we are choosing to apply biblical principal to this situation, doesn't the bible also say that a husband is to PROVIDE for his wife & family? If we adhere strictly to biblical principal, she shouldn't be working outside of the home anyway.

I just don't like how we can apply scripture when it comes to the wife submitting, but not to the man being the main provider of his household & don't forget that husbands & wives are supposed to submit to each other, submission is not one-sided.

 

[Ladybelle]

This happened to my brother and his wife. They moved, but it didn't turn out well. They got married young-ish, with only a few years of college. He had more of a hands-on/ blue-collar type of job, but was vested, and it was with a good company, so he was doing okay for his age. She had an office job with no upward mobility. They had my niece, and he sent the wife back to school. The plan was for him to go back later, but, when it comes to work, he's more of a 'traditional' man, in the sense that he prefers to work with his hands in some capacity.

The wife graduated, and my mom got her a job at a major investment house. She got promoted a few times, and they wanted her to relocate, all expenses paid, housing subsidy, etc. When they presented the idea to us (me and my mom) we were shocked at the suddenness, but they seemed like they were on the same page and excited about the prospect of moving out of their hometown.

We, on the other hand, considered what they'd be giving up. His company had nowhere to relocate my brother in that town, so he'd have to start all over, which he seemed cool with. We were the ones that didn't like the power differential that would automatically present itself under these circumstances.

The thing is, she had always made more money, but he had always totally handled everything else for her, including the house and their daughter. Which sounds bad, but she had been raised in near servitude, and didn't know anything about kids, so, suffice it to say, she had emotional issues. Meanwhile, he had basically raised me while my mom was working. End result, my mom and I are closer to her than her own mother. We picked her up from half days, she stayed with us every summer, we paid for dance/ music lessons, all with no help from the other grandparents, even though they're in the same damn borough and have plenty of disposable income. They didn't even know she could sing, smdh, but they sure are mighty willing to show her off.

All this back story is important, because it influenced what happened next. So, they move, and everything seems all good to us. A few years later, she's offered another opportunity to relocate, and they move again. A year or so passes, and my brother calls to wish me a happy b-day, and is like, I have something to tell you, but I don't want to ruin your day. Poor thing, I already knew, in my heart, what he was gonna say.

He had caught her cheating. Apparently, unbeknownst to us, she had cheated on him in the first town they moved to, and he had busted her then, but they reconciled. She claimed it was over, and he took her back for the sake of my then- 9/10 yo niece. He's big on family and thought the marriage was worth trying to save, especially since they had been together since they were teenagers. They decided to move and make a fresh start (the 2nd move), but about a year after they got down there, he found out that she was still texting old dude, in a way he found inappropriate. He didn't tell me exactly what cuz he's kinda taciturn, but I can imagine it was bad.

With that, he was done. He started sleeping on the couch and never went back. Although he wanted to move, because he made so much less than her, but had always contributed his fair share to the household, he didn't have much personal savings, so it took him a few months and that's when he called me.

He's now with some new chick, and says he's never been this happy in his life. She's my age (over a decade younger than he is), wants more kids (which my SIL refused to do), and fills him with such joy, I can't recall him sounding this happy since he was in HS. Also, they have more in common culturally. And my niece absolutely loves her, and her kids (she's divorced). Meanwhile, my SIL is stomping around the house mad and yelling at my niece for nothing, why? Because, apparently, old dude ain't calling like he used to.

I'm telling all my family business like this, lol, because I want OP to tell this story to her friend, and to ask her to consider the power differential in their relationship, if it exists, and to decide if they think they can withstand the inevitable shift. Are their goals aligned? Does he have plans to 'get on her level'? If not, they may be setting themselves up for an unavoidable clash sometime in the future. The way I see it with my brother, their goals were aligned initially, but then they grew apart. She started 'smelling herself', and he was going along, doing the same thing he'd always done, which was suddenly not good enough for her. Caution your friend against this potential outcome.


I have to stop writing these long-@ss posts.

I understand the dynamic in this situation, but as far as OP's situation is concerned I don't see there being much of a difference in the power differential because she already makes more money than him now, so the dynamic in their relationship shouldn't change that much.


ETA:just throwing this out there, in doing the math - she will be able to take care of herself & kids without the assistance of his income. not sure if that matters, but there ya go.

 

[kismettt]

i understand being worried about moving the kids to a new place. but that's not even the issue? for me personally, that shows CLEARLY what type of man he is. and that is definitely not the man for me. i don't think this can be the first time he's showing his misogynistic beliefs...

 

[cheetarah1980]

I think they need a mediator in this situation. His reasons for not wanting to move are egocentric. Big dreams are one thing, but if he's not putting a concrete plan into action at the moment then it doesn't matter. I could understand if he was in the midst of a project or a training program that would take him to the next level, but if that's not the case the whole "a man shouldn't follow a woman" isn't cutting it. It actually sounds like he is worried about the power balance in the relationship. But if he doesn't want her to get too far ahead of him career-wise then he needs to be doing something so that he can be the primary breadwinner in the family.
Also because of the economy 6 month's severance may not be enough to hold them over. If she chose to leave the company would there be career placement services for them in the current town. Like I said before they need someone who is objective to take them through each of these issues in order to determine what's best for their family.

 

[sunnieb]

Just gonna be blunt here.....

She should take the job. Sorry. Yes, I'm married (16 years). Yes, I love and respect my DH. I have bent over backwards in our marriage and so has he. We've had our ups and downs. However, this decision is about the financial security of the ENTIRE family. Is the husband in this situation keeping up with current events. Times are HARD!!!

Matter of fact, we've had this conversation before. He knows I would move in a heartbeat if he received a huge career opportunity. He also told me that if I got an opportunity like this thread is describing, we would move. No question. He said that a man can find work anywhere when he wants to and that's what he would do.

 

[goldielocs]

I didn't want to quote this, but someone mentioned the bible- and how wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. If we are choosing to apply biblical principal to this situation, doesn't the bible also say that a husband is to PROVIDE for his wife & family? If we adhere strictly to biblical principal, she shouldn't be working outside of the home anyway.

I just don't like how we can apply scripture when it comes to the wife submitting, but not to the man being the main provider of his household & don't forget that husbands & wives are supposed to submit to each other, submission is not one-sided.

Thanks for this post. I was thinking about that too.

I moved 3,600 miles across the country when my husband's job relocated him. He was the main provider. Even though I was working, since I'm a teacher I could get a job anywhere. So we moved.

If I didn't trust him there is no way I would have moved. Like another poster said, it's a trust issue. From what I've read I would take the job. A good job offer like that in this economy is nothing to pass up.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I was just about to say this.

This is an issue about cheating not relocating to me, because all of this could have gone down without ever leaving point A.

 

[Ladybelle]

Just gonna be blunt here.....

She should take the job. Sorry. Yes, I'm married (16 years). Yes, I love and respect my DH. I have bent over backwards in our marriage and so has he. We've had our ups and downs. However, this decision is about the financial security of the ENTIRE family. Is the husband in this situation keeping up with current events. Times are HARD!!!

Matter of fact, we've had this conversation before. He knows I would move in a heartbeat if he received a huge career opportunity. He also told me that if I got an opportunity like this thread is describing, we would move. No question. He said that a man can find work anywhere when he wants to and that's what he would do.

we are >>>>> HERE<<<<<. ITA with you. IF BOTH parties aren't willing to sacrifice for the other when need be, then what type of marriage is it???

Not trying to be judgemental, but his unwillingness to relocate is just not adding up imo. I know for a fact, that if the situation were reversed she would have already lined up a mover, started looking at homes & schools,and everything else it would take to make their transition smooth.

 

[Honey Bee]

This is an issue about cheating not relocating to me, because all of this could have gone down without ever leaving point A.

I understand the dynamic in this situation, but as far as OP's situation is concerned I don't see there being much of a difference in the power differential because she already makes more money than him now, so the dynamic in their relationship shouldn't change that much.


ETA:just throwing this out there, in doing the math - she will be able to take care of herself & kids without the assistance of his income. not sure if that matters, but there ya go.

I'm just sharing a story I thought would help OP's friend with her choice. If y'all disagree, that's cool, but I think this is another situation where women ignore certain red flags. Plain and simple, when a woman out-earns a man, it messes with the power in the relationship, I don't think anyone will dispute that. It's common knowledge. Moving to a new city, one where she's the 'big dog' only exacerbates the issue. So... I don't know why y'all acting like I'm making stuff up.

I'm using the example of a couple everybody thought would last forever, who had never had any issues like this, who had gone against parental wishes to get married. Basically, a 'perfect' couple. They had been together, and seemingly happy, for over 20 years. Yes, she made more than he did, but between his side hustles and raising their daughter, he was contributing more than his share, but they seemed to have a balance. And this was all undone within three years of the initial move.

I'm not even blaming her, although I'm mad at her for how she went about it. She felt like she was running ****, and like she could do just as well without him (which is how a lot of the comments in this thread sound), so she started 'shopping' for a new model. We talk about black men doing the same (moving 'up', usu. to a white girl), so I'm not getting the reluctance to see this as a real possibility.

OP, I know you said that you don't see much of a potential change in the power differential of the relationship, but that's what we thought too, and we were blind-sided by the outcome. I know you're trying to encourage her to do big things, but, seriously, tell her this story and ask her if she could be the type to start to feel some kinda way toward her husband. She might want to keep her answer to herself, but it's only fair to make her aware of the full range of possibilities.

Just sharing a different perspective.

eta: The initial reason I thought this story was relevant to the thread was because, here's a man perfectly willing, happy, and cool to throw away his whole life for her for the sake of their family, and this is how she treats him. This is an example of what happens when a man does what y'all seem to want him to do: he gets flat-left on the other side of the country. Her money is right, but her family has dissolved, she's lonely, and her daughter doesn't respect her. Not an ideal outcome for anybody.

 

[Valerie]

Marriage issues aside, relocation is not a light thing, even if it's only 3 hours away. You have to like where you live to be happy. I've closed plenty of doors for myself simply because I didn't want to go where they would take me geographically, even when they weren't extremely far.

Secondly, how certain is the wife's promotion and just how uncertain is the husbands? Moving to say, "well, I could get promoted" isn't the same thing as having it in hand.

And thirdly, I have to be honest and say that I'm kind of surprised that for a married woman with children, relocating without hubby is presented as a good option. Money is not everything, neither is career. And particularly with children involved, I'm not sure how making a unilateral decsion about this would help the family on the whole. The wife decides to go, hubby stays and resents her, children separated from one parent, finances more strained because money now has to support two households, marriage further weakens. And say hubby eventually follows. What about his dreams and what he wished to accomplish? Is there room for that too?

This is much more complicated than meets the eyes, especially as children are involved. I honesty think now, while you are working before you get married, is to think of doing a business or something that you eventually make you money, so that you can eventually give up your job and live independent of it.

 

[Ladybelle]

I'm just sharing a story I thought would help OP's friend with her choice. If y'all disagree, that's cool, but I think this is another situation where women ignore certain red flags. Plain and simple, when a woman out-earns a man, it messes with the power in the relationship, I don't think anyone will dispute that. It's common knowledge. Moving to a new city, one where she's the 'big dog' only exacerbates the issue. So... I don't know why y'all acting like I'm making stuff up.

I'm using the example of a couple everybody thought would last forever, who had never had any issues like this, who had gone against parental wishes to get married. Basically, a 'perfect' couple. They had been together, and seemingly happy, for over 20 years. Yes, she made more than he did, but between his side hustles and raising their daughter, he was contributing more than his share, but they seemed to have a balance. And this was all undone within three years of the initial move.

I'm not even blaming her, although I'm mad at her for how she went about it. She felt like she was running ****, and like she could do just as well without him (which is how a lot of the comments in this thread sound), so she started 'shopping' for a new model. We talk about black men doing the same (moving 'up', usu. to a white girl), so I'm not getting the reluctance to see this as a real possibility.

OP, I know you said that you don't see much of a potential change in the power differential of the relationship, but that's what we thought too, and we were blind-sided by the outcome. I know you're trying to encourage her to do big things, but, seriously, tell her this story and ask her if she could be the type to start to feel some kinda way toward her husband. She might want to keep her answer to herself, but it's only fair to make her aware of the full range of possibilities.

Just sharing a different perspective.

eta: The initial reason I thought this story was relevant to the thread was because, here's a man perfectly willing, happy, and cool to throw away his whole life for her for the sake of their family, and this is how she treats him. This is an example of what happens when a man does what y'all seem to want him to do: he gets flat-left on the other side of the country. Her money is right, but her family has dissolved, she's lonely, and her daughter doesn't respect her. Not an ideal outcome for anybody.

Yeah, when you break it down like that- it certainly is a different angle to look at. I'll tell her this scenario. It's just a tough situation any way we look at it.

 

[frida1980]

I'm just sharing a story I thought would help OP's friend with her choice. If y'all disagree, that's cool, but I think this is another situation where women ignore certain red flags. Plain and simple, when a woman out-earns a man, it messes with the power in the relationship, I don't think anyone will dispute that. It's common knowledge. Moving to a new city, one where she's the 'big dog' only exacerbates the issue. So... I don't know why y'all acting like I'm making stuff up.

I'm using the example of a couple everybody thought would last forever, who had never had any issues like this, who had gone against parental wishes to get married. Basically, a 'perfect' couple. They had been together, and seemingly happy, for over 20 years. Yes, she made more than he did, but between his side hustles and raising their daughter, he was contributing more than his share, but they seemed to have a balance. And this was all undone within three years of the initial move.

I'm not even blaming her, although I'm mad at her for how she went about it. She felt like she was running ****, and like she could do just as well without him (which is how a lot of the comments in this thread sound), so she started 'shopping' for a new model. We talk about black men doing the same (moving 'up', usu. to a white girl), so I'm not getting the reluctance to see this as a real possibility.

OP, I know you said that you don't see much of a potential change in the power differential of the relationship, but that's what we thought too, and we were blind-sided by the outcome. I know you're trying to encourage her to do big things, but, seriously, tell her this story and ask her if she could be the type to start to feel some kinda way toward her husband. She might want to keep her answer to herself, but it's only fair to make her aware of the full range of possibilities.

Just sharing a different perspective.

eta: The initial reason I thought this story was relevant to the thread was because, here's a man perfectly willing, happy, and cool to throw away his whole life for her for the sake of their family, and this is how she treats him. This is an example of what happens when a man does what y'all seem to want him to do: he gets flat-left on the other side of the country. Her money is right, but her family has dissolved, she's lonely, and her daughter doesn't respect her. Not an ideal outcome for anybody.

You're post really has nothing to do with this situation. Just because a woman makes more money or has more power in a relationship does not predispose her to infidelity. It's offensive to think that. Marriage doesn't need to have the "man in charge" at all times to make it work. That's an archaic line of thinking that promoted by sexist men who want to keep women in their place, and oblivious women who desperately want husbands.

The truth is in the "white" world, woman have been making more money and having more power in the relationship. What happens is the same thing, the man, uncomfortable with losing power over his relationship will make a power play that deprives the woman of her power and success at the expense of the family It very seldom happens that a woman choses to leave her family. It's unfair to assume that any woman that makes more than a man will cheat. Besides it doesn't explain why powerful men cheat on their wives, and why men in less power cheat on their wives. It's not the power, it's simply the choice. They let their own power issues go their head and take a cowards way out.

The world is changing drastically. More and more BW will find themselves making more money than their SO. This is very uncomfortable with BM who feel themselves losing in their home as well as in the world. We can coddle them and pretend that their more important than anything, at the expense of our children and society. OR we can get them to grow up, step up to the plate, and do what's right for their families. If they can't, they can step aside.

Can't have Jr. become a drug dealer because Daddy wanted to "be the man."

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

In reference to the woman must submit to her husband: the Bible qualifies that by saying that God must be his head. If this is the case, then the husband will do whatever it takes to ensure the security of his family. If that means "following" his wife to a job that will make his wife and children secure in a world where people dont know where they will lay their heads or where their next meal is coming from, then he will do it. The man under the charge of God, will provide for and maintain his family. "Following" his wife to a place where she has the opportunity to help HIM in his maintenance of her and the children is part of his duty, and if he will need help with that then he should be more than willing to move. ESPECIALLY if she is a helpmeet to him in his responsibilities as a man. Of course if God is his head, then he wouldnt have any issues with this. If a man has problems with a woman helping HIM meet his duties as a husband, then its apparent he is not worthy of a wife submitting herself to him when it comes to the security of her family.

I hope that was clear. I feel jumbled up this morning.

 

[Ladybelle]

You're post really has nothing to do with this situation. Just because a woman makes more money or has more power in a relationship does not predispose her to infidelity. It's offensive to think that. Marriage doesn't need to have the "man in charge" at all times to make it work. That's an archaic line of thinking that promoted by sexist men who want to keep women in their place, and oblivious women who desperately want husbands.

The truth is in the "white" world, woman have been making more money and having more power in the relationship. What happens is the same thing, the man, uncomfortable with losing power over his relationship will make a power play that deprives the woman of her power and success at the expense of the family It very seldom happens that a woman choses to leave her family. It's unfair to assume that any woman that makes more than a man will cheat. Besides it doesn't explain why powerful men cheat on their wives, and why men in less power cheat on their wives. It's not the power, it's simply the choice. They let their own power issues go their head and take a cowards way out.

The world is changing drastically. More and more BW will find themselves making more money than their SO. This is very uncomfortable with BM who feel themselves losing in their home as well as in the world. We can coddle them and pretend that their more important than anything, at the expense of our children and society. OR we can get them to grow up, step up to the plate, and do what's right for their families. If they can't, they can step aside.

Can't have Jr. become a drug dealer because Daddy wanted to "be the man."

so, do you agree it's right for the wife to go over her husband's authority per se and take the job? If he comes he comes & if he doesn't he doesn't?

In reference to the woman must submit to her husband: the Bible qualifies that by saying that God must be his head. If this is the case, then the husband will do whatever it takes to ensure the security of his family. If that means "following" his wife to a job that will make his wife and children secure in a world where people dont know where they will lay their heads or where their next meal is coming from, then he will do it. The man under the charge of God, will provide for and maintain his family. "Following" his wife to a place where she has the opportunity to help HIM in his maintenance of her and the children is part of his duty, and if he will need help with that then he should be more than willing to move. ESPECIALLY if she is a helpmeet to him in his responsibilities as a man. Of course if God is his head, then he wouldnt have any issues with this. If a man has problems with a woman helping HIM meet his duties as a husband, then its apparent he is not worthy of a wife submitting herself to him when it comes to the security of her family.

I hope that was clear. I feel jumbled up this morning.

it was crystal clear to me and I agree. Why should she just give up her job and them struggle out of his pigheadedness?

but, on the other side - should he just give up his job?

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

so, do you agree it's right for the wife to go over her husband's authority per se and take the job? If he comes he comes & if he doesn't he doesn't?



it was crystal clear to me and I agree. Why should she just give up her job and them struggle out of his pigheadedness?

but, on the other side - should he just give up his job?

If he has a job, not a career, but a job and his staying for a job that is not as beneficial for the family as moving for the wifes career? Then yes, he should give up his job.

 

[Ladybelle]

If he has a job, not a career, but a job and his staying for a job that is not as beneficial for the family as moving for the wifes career? Then yes, he should give up his job.

I agree with you 100%. And, yep it is a job not a career.

 

[aribell]

Okay, I should say that when I read the op, I thought the main issue was one of career aspirations v. husband's stubbornness. My feeling about what has been presented is the the wife wants to go because she thinks it's a great professional opportunity and thinks the husband is being egotistical. While the other factors could be important if they truly are as they have been presented, the way they are presented does not suggest that there are not alternatives. There is a big diffrence between we could do better if we moved and we will undoubtedly sink if we don't. I would just say that motive here seems to be paramount, and people are not always truly forthright about what they say is motivating them.

 

[Mandy4610]

I have had a similar (kinda) situation. I think it takes a lot more thinking and preparedness to make the decision to go against a spouce. She should be ready for what happens if she goes against him. Marriages break over things like this and she should be prepared for that.
Getting advice here is good, but this is also something that couples need to deal with with the help of those who know them well and can be there for them.
It may seem like a no brainer or so staright forward to us, but really, things like this are much more complicated than we think.
This could break the marriage, so they both really need to think about that and then make the decision.

 

[ebonylocs]

He feels that a man shouldn't follow a woman? I say a man like that should be paying the BILLS.

I agree. Men often want to take on the traditional privileges given to their gender, without taking on the matching traditional responsibilities. It doesn't work like that. It's a package deal.

I'm just sharing a story I thought would help OP's friend with her choice. If y'all disagree, that's cool, but I think this is another situation where women ignore certain red flags. Plain and simple, when a woman out-earns a man, it messes with the power in the relationship, I don't think anyone will dispute that. It's common knowledge. Moving to a new city, one where she's the 'big dog' only exacerbates the issue. So... I don't know why y'all acting like I'm making stuff up.

I'm using the example of a couple everybody thought would last forever, who had never had any issues like this, who had gone against parental wishes to get married. Basically, a 'perfect' couple. They had been together, and seemingly happy, for over 20 years. Yes, she made more than he did, but between his side hustles and raising their daughter, he was contributing more than his share, but they seemed to have a balance. And this was all undone within three years of the initial move.

I'm not even blaming her, although I'm mad at her for how she went about it. She felt like she was running ****, and like she could do just as well without him (which is how a lot of the comments in this thread sound), so she started 'shopping' for a new model. We talk about black men doing the same (moving 'up', usu. to a white girl), so I'm not getting the reluctance to see this as a real possibility.

OP, I know you said that you don't see much of a potential change in the power differential of the relationship, but that's what we thought too, and we were blind-sided by the outcome. I know you're trying to encourage her to do big things, but, seriously, tell her this story and ask her if she could be the type to start to feel some kinda way toward her husband. She might want to keep her answer to herself, but it's only fair to make her aware of the full range of possibilities.

Just sharing a different perspective.

eta: The initial reason I thought this story was relevant to the thread was because, here's a man perfectly willing, happy, and cool to throw away his whole life for her for the sake of their family, and this is how she treats him. This is an example of what happens when a man does what y'all seem to want him to do: he gets flat-left on the other side of the country. Her money is right, but her family has dissolved, she's lonely, and her daughter doesn't respect her. Not an ideal outcome for anybody.

I think the point you make about the possible change in power balance is a very important one that OP's friend should take into consideration.

But the added points about cheating, isI think a matter of personal choice that does not add much to the decision-making process at this point because it seems so remote from the situation and may not be applicable at all. You don't decide to move or not move because the party with the upper hand may become too big for their britches and start cheating. There is no chain of causation there. Maybe not even correlation. What is really relevant to cheating is the quality of the existing relationship and the character of the individuals involved. Every possible situation can be construed as increasing the likelihood of cheating. One theory is that a man will cheat when he has a SAHW that he considers boring, so he will get caught up with the exciting young ambitious career woman. But another theory is that if a man has a ball-busting career woman at home, he will go looking for a bimbo, a soft bit of fluff on the side to relax him and nurture him. One theory is that if a woman is out-earning a man and has more clout, she will disrespect him and cheat with a man she considers more Type A. But there is also the theory that in that scenario it is the man who will cheat while his woman is out their labouring on behalf of him and their family, because he may have more time on his hands, and she may be away a lot, plus he will need to have his ego stroked by someone who looks up to him. I'm sure you have seen all these scenarios and theories posited on this forum. But the bottom line is, cheaters cheat. It all comes down to the personal choice of the individual. I think you said your sister-in-law had some emotional problems. That is what explains her serial cheating, not the fact that her husband agreed to move with her (or else my Mom would now be a cheater - My father moved with her later on when his career was winding down, but she had moved for him earlier on, and - give and take).
_______________
OP, I really think your friend needs to sit with her husband, possibly with pen and paper, and really discuss all the pros and cons of the move, and the fears that each of them have with either choice, and how those fears can be averted. E.g. if he fears not having a job when he gets to the new town. They can then decide to try to seek a job for him before the move, ask the company to assist with placing him, etc. If she cares about her marriage (and she may not) this is a decision they have to make together.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

If we were in a position where we were doing ok financially, I wouldn't try to force my DH to go if he didn't want to. If staying meant that we would be dead broke and lose our home, I know my DH would do what he had to do (move to a new city) to keep us from being out on the street.

If I were pushing the move just because I wanted to move, not because we HAD to move or else, then I would try to compromise, but at the end of the day his answer would be final. I take my vows very seriously, and I would not throw my marriage away for my career because I know I would miss my hubby, plus the kids deserve to have both parents in the home if at all possible.

By the same token, if my DH got an outstanding job offer in Idaho, 9 times out of 10 he would have to turn it down cuz I'm not moving there unless there are some other factors that force my hand. And there's no way he would choose that job over his family.

 

[aribell]

Okay, I should say that when I read the op, I thought the main issue was one of career aspirations v. husband's stubbornness. My feeling about what has been presented is the the wife wants to go because she thinks it's a great professional opportunity and thinks the husband is being egotistical. While the other factors could be important if they truly are as they have been presented, the way they are presented does not suggest that there are not alternatives. There is a big diffrence between "we could do better if we moved" and "we will undoubtedly sink if we don't." I would just say that motive here seems to be paramount, and people are not always truly forthright about what they say is motivating them.

 

[Ladybelle]

of course it's not as cut and dry as presented. The wife feels this is an wonderful opportunity for the entire family, not just herself. they have had marriage issues (as most couples) and she thinks this would be a fresh start for everybody.

Then when you add in the fact that
-she doesn't trust him to provide for the whole family (has never shown himself willing to do it) and giving up her income wouldn't put them on the street but it would mean no private school for the kids, no internet service, no shopping, no a lot of other stuff.
-he seems to always want to keep her from excelling, she wanted to go to law school he shot that ideal down, she wanted to go back to school to get certified to teach which would have been a paycut but would have allowed her to be at home with the kids more, he shot that down
-he isn't doing anything to aggessively make a change in his financial sitution - he has plenty of dreams but no real evidence of ambition

-him flat out saying no in combination with their other marriage problems makes it easier for her to want to just leave him where he is and pursue her life & do what she thinks is best for her & the kids. She's made the marriage her priority but they haven't gotten anywhere. How much of her life is she expected to put on hold for him???

 

[cheetarah1980]

of course it's not as cut and dry as presented. The wife feels this is an wonderful opportunity for the entire family, not just herself. they have had marriage issues (as most couples) and she thinks this would be a fresh start for everybody.

Then when you add in the fact that
-she doesn't trust him to provide for the whole family (has never shown himself willing to do it) and giving up her income wouldn't put them on the street but it would mean no private school for the kids, no internet service, no shopping, no a lot of other stuff.
-he seems to always want to keep her from excelling, she wanted to go to law school he shot that ideal down, she wanted to go back to school to get certified to teach which would have been a paycut but would have allowed her to be at home with the kids more, he shot that down
-he isn't doing anything to aggessively make a change in his financial sitution - he has plenty of dreams but no real evidence of ambition

-him flat out saying no in combination with their other marriage problems makes it easier for her to want to just leave him where he is and pursue her life & do what she thinks is best for her & the kids. She's made the marriage her priority but they haven't gotten anywhere. How much of her life is she expected to put on hold for him???

Sounds like she should've picked a better mate.

 

[Ladybelle]

Sounds like she should've picked a better mate.

lol! maybe you're right.

 

[JayAnn0513]

Is she happily married? If not, she needs to take the job.

 

[MD_Lady]

Sounds like she should've picked a better mate.

Yeah, I was just about to say that this is a textbook example of why people need to choose their partners wisely (because let's face it, the VAST majority of these behaviors don't materialize overnight).

 

[qchelle]

All of this 'I would never go above my husband and he always has the last word' talk is freaking me the heck out! Do men really make these awesome decisions all the time? Do womens decisions really suck that bad??! For all serious matters? Or if he makes a bad family desicion it's just like 'oopsie...oh well honey...u still da man...we can make it! ' but if she makes a bad decision it's 'das cuz you went above meeee!!! rawr!!!' Wooooow...I mean yea, it's in the bible...but so are....well I'm not religious so...but wooooow *flava flavs voice*

Well...I will be very careful in choosing a mate ...hopefully

OP, I hope your friend does whatever is best for the children. Whatever that may be.

 

[frida1980]

so, do you agree it's right for the wife to go over her husband's authority per se and take the job? If he comes he comes & if he doesn't he doesn't?



it was crystal clear to me and I agree. Why should she just give up her job and them struggle out of his pigheadedness?

but, on the other side - should he just give up his job?

This is what I SAY I would do. But I said on the first page, I'm not in love with him. But after a certain period of time, if the marriage was revolved around his selfish decisions I would consider leaving him. At some time is has to be about the family and not him. If he comes he comes, if he doesn't then he wasn't worth it.

 

[aribell]

This is what I SAY I would do. But I said on the first page, I'm not in love with him. But after a certain period of time, if the marriage was revolved around his selfish decisions I would consider leaving him. At some time is has to be about the family and not him. If he comes he comes, if he doesn't then he wasn't worth it.

The bolded is exactly what I was getting at. The question at the end of the day seems to be something like: "Does being married mean that I have to sacrifice something that I really want and think would be good for me, just because I'm married?" Simply deciding to leave regardless of hubby's feelings sounds like a decision to divorce, at least functionally, as regarding finances , the children, and obviously personal decision-making (wife becomes independent), it's practically the same thing.

ETA: This may sound extreme, but I have known people that made hours long commutes so that their family would not have to re-locate. Not daily, but they stayed where their job was during the week and came home on the weekends. Not an ideal situation, but it may be the type of compromise that could possibly give hubby the time to think about moving or become amenable to it without it being like a "Get on board or get lost" kind of thing. I'm not trying to give advice, I'm just saying I've seen it done.

 

[ambergirl]

he just feels that a man shouldn't follow a woman anywhere. he also has these big dreams that he feels can't be accomplished anywhere else. they are currently living in in hometown & he doesn't want to leave it.

Relocating the whole family, even only three hours away, is a big decision so it shouldn't be taken lightly. But to me the bolded is the problem. If these are his only objections to moving then his motivations are selfish and it's all about his ego.

I hate to say it but it sounds like this marriage is kind of shaky anyway if he holds these kinds of attitudes and pipe dreams so I would be inclined suggest she take the job because at least then she'll have the capacity to care for herself and her kids. But with a man like this, that will likely mean the end of the marriage so that is hard. This one is really tough, I wish your friend well.