choosing marriage over your career

[Ladybelle]

So, I really didn't know what to title this thread, sorry if the title doesn't match!

Anyways, here's the situation:

The wife's job is relocating to a different state (about 3 hours away) and the company has given the wife a 12 month notice. Wife has the option to take the job & relocate, take a settlement that equates to 6 months pay i.e. forfeiting her job. The wife's position is a professional position.. With some determination & effort, the wife can easily move up in the company. In addition to paying relocation benefits, the area the company is moving to also has better schools for the kiddos and a better housing market (more house for less $$$) The wife has been with the company 6 years.


The husband is in a lower position at his job, has been there for three years and would take longer to reach promotion potential. The husband however has point blank told the wife that relocating is out of the question & that she is going to have to do something else.

The wife doesn't want to give up the career she's worked so hard to obtain. Plus in this market the likelihood of the wife being able to obtain a job at her current level & pay is quite unlikely. When you throw in the fact that she doesn't trust her husband's ability to take care of her & their children on his income.... what is she to do???

What say you?

oh, and I forgot to add the company is also paying relocation benefits including down payment & closing costs on a new home & cost of living difference.

 

[frida1980]

I've heard this many times. "Woman has an awesome career opportunity that means moving, but the man doesn't want to move." Let me tell what the rest of the women did. Give up the job, stay with the man, and stay broke and not that happy. One girl was a college graduate that had been offered a 6 figure job right out of college! But her fiance didn't want to move, so she gave it up for him....

What is it about men and not wanting to bend for their wives when it comes to careers? It's well expected that if a man gets a higher paying job, you will move with him. But when the shoe is on the other foot, the man won't budge! Sickening...

I'd tell you to tell her to get the FAMILY and FRIENDS on her side and get them to push him into agreeing. Money is not something that needs to be trifled with. Especially when you're starting a family! Think about the kids. Think about the advantages this will give them. Whatever ego problems he has, he needs to get over them. This about what's best for the family, not his fragile male pride.

 

[awhyley]

He's being selfish. He's been at his job for less time, making less money, and he's kicking up a fuss too?
I'm like "Negro please," "It's time to pack."

 

[Ladybelle]

I've heard this many times. "Woman has an awesome career opportunity that means moving, but the man doesn't want to move." Let me tell what the rest of the women did. Give up the job, stay with the man, and stay broke and not that happy. One girl was a college graduate that had been offered a 6 figure job right out of college! But her fiance didn't want to move, so she gave it up for him....

What is it about men and not wanting to bend for their wives when it comes to careers. It's well expected that if a man gets a higher paying job, you will move with him. But when the shoe is on the other foot, the man won't budge! Sickening...
I'd tell you to tell her to get the FAMILY and FRIENDS on her side and get them to push him into agreeing. Money is not something that needs to be trifled with. Especially when you're starting a family! Think about the kids. Think about the advantages this will give them. Whatever ego problems he has, he needs to get over them. This about what's best for the family, not his fragile male pride.

He's being selfish. He's been at his job for less time, making less money, and he's kicking up a fuss too?
I'm like "Negro please," "It's time to pack."

so, what if the wife decides to go without his approval? Is she wrong for choosing her career & what she thinks is best for the entire family or is she to submit to him??

I mean, what if the woman says- whether dh stays or goes- she's taking advantage of this opportunity??

 

[frida1980]

I'm biased because I am not in love with the man. But I know, that if I was I'd have a hard time saying I'll go. But after a long talk with my family, I would probably run the numbers to be sure that I could do this thing solo, pack my things and GO. That's because I'm from a family a strong women that can take care of theirs. We don't really submit to men.

I hate to say it, but it's all about the Benjamins. You can't afford to let a steady income vanish because of feelings. A real man that CARED about his family, he would already be packing. So I say, she should really reflect on this. Talk to her family, talk to her friends. Run the numbers. If she can do this solo and she really wants this, then go. If she really loves him and thinks that she they can work something out so they can pay the bills and be happy... that's up to her. We can't make this decision for her.

But like I said. I'm not in love with him. I'm not married to him. But I hope that the man I married would never make me chose between providing for my family and his broke behind.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Sounds like the husband is a cotdayum fool.

Since I have been in a somewhat similar situation, if I were her, I would do it. If he loves her he'll come. I hate to say this but men are slow and somewhat stupid. I have gathered this from my own observations and life experiences and my FIL and my own father have told me this. Sometimes women have to do the thinking. This is a great opportunity and if her DH is to slow or stupid to understand that, they why should she and the family suffer?

She should move forward IMO. Like I said, if he loves her and his family he'll realize its a good move and follow the family to their new home.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I've heard this many times. "Woman has an awesome career opportunity that means moving, but the man doesn't want to move." Let me tell what the rest of the women did. Give up the job, stay with the man, and stay broke and not that happy. .

This is just what happened to me except we were BOTH unemployed for a year and I got a job out of state and he didnt want to move.

 

[cheetarah1980]

A man who is truly leading his home knows that what makes his wife happy is usually best for the household. Has he given a reason why he refuses to move. Maybe he's foreseeing something negative that she isn't. If he doesn't have a good reason other than, "I don't want to" then she needs to break down the financials of him supporting their family by himself or with her taking a steep pay decline. At the end of the day if they have decided that they're going to be a 2-income household then they need to go with the option that best maximizes those 2 incomes. If he can't get with that then she married a fool.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

Never again! I’m not giving up “skit” for a man ever again. Because … 9 times out of ten, some years later you are sitting there wishing that you hadn’t. That’s why right now; I’m living my life for me. Don’t like it … here’s your walking papers baby.

Life is too darn short to give up once in a lifetime opportunities. Besides, that new opportunity might open the door to your “ideal” SO, if the other doesn’t want to go with you or …

What is that saying … “Sometimes God/HigherPower removes things from your life, so that it can be replaced with something better,” such as the SO that doesn’t want to support your moving to have a career starting at 6 figures.

I know that “SOMETIMES” compromises have to be made I a relationship, but it should not be to the extent that you left sitting there knowing that you missed out on a professional opportunity of a lifetime, especially if his current job situation doesn’t even come close. You should not make so many compromises that you don’t recognize who you are anymore.

 

[Ladybelle]

A man who is truly leading his home knows that what makes his wife happy is usually best for the household. Has he given a reason why he refuses to move. Maybe he's foreseeing something negative that she isn't. If he doesn't have a good reason other than, "I don't want to" then she needs to break down the financials of him supporting their family by himself or with her taking a steep pay decline. At the end of the day if they have decided that they're going to be a 2-income household then they need to go with the option that best maximizes those 2 incomes. If he can't get with that then she married a fool.

he just feels that a man shouldn't follow a woman anywhere. he also has these big dreams that he feels can't be accomplished anywhere else. they are currently living in in hometown & he doesn't want to leave it.

Never again! I’m not giving up “skit” for a man ever again. Because … 9 times out of ten, some years later you are sitting there wishing that you hadn’t. That’s why right now; I’m living my life for me. Don’t like it … here’s your walking papers baby.Life is too darn short to give up once in a lifetime opportunities. Besides, that new opportunity might open the door to your “ideal” SO, if the other doesn’t want to go with you or …

What is that saying … “Sometimes God/HigherPower removes things from your life, so that it can be replaced with something better,” such as the SO that doesn’t want to support your moving to have a career starting at 6 figures.

I know that “SOMETIMES” compromises have to be made I a relationship, but it should not be to the extent that you left sitting there knowing that you missed out on a professional opportunity of a lifetime, especially if his current job situation doesn’t even come close. You should not make so many compromises that you don’t recognize who you are anymore.

I'm in total agreement with you- especially the bolded. Life is just too short & how much of ourselves are we expected to give up in a relationship???


If he was able to carry the load by himself, he would have allowed to be a SAHM as badly as she wanted to when each of their children was born. This man turned into a moody monster the short time she was on unpaid maternity leave so trusting him to handle things would be a big mistake - imo.

 

[pisceschica]

I don't know that I can automatically say that the husband not wanton his wife to better herself and the family is selfish. They are after all married and have the special challenge of having to come to a compromise. It's great if she's movin and making more money but will all that matter if he resents his wife and the marriage dissolves.

Considering the facts of this situation it seems like a no brainer that they as a family should move. But this is a marriage where they should come to some type of compromise to make sure both sides give a little and get a little. His job may not make much and upward mobility may be slower. But his job/career may be just as important to him as hers is to her.

 

[frida1980]

he just feels that a man shouldn't follow a woman anywhere. he also has these big dreams that he feels can't be accomplished anywhere else. they are currently living in in hometown & he doesn't want to leave it.



I'm in total agreement with you- especially the bolded. Life is just too short & how much of ourselves are we expected to give up in a relationship???


If he was able to carry the load by himself, he would have allowed to be a SAHM as badly as she wanted to when each of their children was born. This man turned into a moody monster the short time she was on unpaid maternity leave so trusting him to handle things would be a big mistake - imo.

He feels that a man shouldn't follow a woman? I say a man like that should be paying the BILLS, if not SHUT UP. Naw... leave his misogynistic @ss. This poor woman would be making a terrible mistake if she relied on him.

 

[dr.j]

I wonder if her job could help him find a job in the new city. Many employers do that as a part of the negotitation. Even if they could, he sounds like a man who wouldn't want "help" getting a job.

Possible compromise --- move halfway between the two jobs (1.5 hours) --- that wouldn't be fun commute and there are kids involved.

Or - I know husbands who have followed wives to a new city for 3-5 years so that she can get to where she wants to be and then the wives follow the husband to a new city for 3-5 years or vice versa.

I truly hope that they can find a compromise.

 

[Ladybelle]

I don't know that I can automatically say that the husband not wanton his wife to better herself and the family is selfish. They are after all married and have the special challenge of having to come to a compromise. It's great if she's movin and making more money but will all that matter if he resents his wife and the marriage dissolves.

Considering the facts of this situation it seems like a no brainer that they as a family should move. But this is a marriage where they should come to some type of compromise to make sure both sides give a little and get a little. His job may not make much and upward mobility may be slower. But his job/career may be just as important to him as hers is to her.

I just think they should do what's best for the entire family, not just him & his precious ego. How is it not better for the family to move to a nicer area, have the opportunity to get a bigger home & the company she works for is going to pay the down payment and closing cost, plus a better school system so they end up saving more $$$ because right now they pay for private school because the area they live in has a shoddy school system.

 

[coconow2007]

This is probably why I'm not married but maybe she could take the job and leave the kids and the husband in the hometown. I am willing to bet he will hightail it up to where she is with a quickness....

 

[lesedi]

This is just what happened to me except we were BOTH unemployed for a year and I got a job out of state and he didnt want to move.

Men must be wired differently because this just doesn't make any sense

 

[aribell]

Marriage issues aside, relocation is not a light thing, even if it's only 3 hours away. You have to like where you live to be happy. I've closed plenty of doors for myself simply because I didn't want to go where they would take me geographically, even when they weren't extremely far.

Secondly, how certain is the wife's promotion and just how uncertain is the husbands? Moving to say, "well, I could get promoted" isn't the same thing as having it in hand.

And thirdly, I have to be honest and say that I'm kind of surprised that for a married woman with children, relocating without hubby is presented as a good option. Money is not everything, neither is career. And particularly with children involved, I'm not sure how making a unilateral decsion about this would help the family on the whole. The wife decides to go, hubby stays and resents her, children separated from one parent, finances more strained because money now has to support two households, marriage further weakens. And say hubby eventually follows. What about his dreams and what he wished to accomplish? Is there room for that too?

 

[ThickHair]

I've heard this many times. "Woman has an awesome career opportunity that means moving, but the man doesn't want to move." Let me tell what the rest of the women did. Give up the job, stay with the man, and stay broke and not that happy. One girl was a college graduate that had been offered a 6 figure job right out of college! But her fiance didn't want to move, so she gave it up for him....

What is it about men and not wanting to bend for their wives when it comes to careers? It's well expected that if a man gets a higher paying job, you will move with him. But when the shoe is on the other foot, the man won't budge! Sickening...

I'd tell you to tell her to get the FAMILY and FRIENDS on her side and get them to push him into agreeing. Money is not something that needs to be trifled with. Especially when you're starting a family! Think about the kids. Think about the advantages this will give them. Whatever ego problems he has, he needs to get over them. This about what's best for the family, not his fragile male pride.

If you have to go through all of the above, he still won't be happy, because she will have "trapped" him. men and their egos are a trip.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Men must be wired differently because this just doesn't make any sense

I was only 23 when this happened and didnt have anyone to guide me so I turned down a job that was basically handed to me. A dayum good job too. We went all the way up there, I found an apartment, signed a lease, I got the lights turned on but all I needed was the deposit money for the apt. DH had it in his POCKET and he REFUSED to give it to me all because HE didnt want to move.

I went into a rage, a LITERAL rage and I actually left him and my babies for a few days. If I would have had any sort of support system at all in the other state or any support system period I would have left him for good and took my children with me. I didnt so I had to go back. I had to turn down the job and thank God the lady let me break the lease I signed, and I was back at home and both of us were still unemployed with 2 small babies.

I was seriously depressed for a long time after that. If I ad that to do all over again Im sure you know that I would have done anything to leave his dumb *** home and broke by himself.

 

[coconow2007]

Marriage issues aside, relocation is not a light thing, even if it's only 3 hours away. You have to like where you live to be happy. I've closed plenty of doors for myself simply because I didn't want to go where they would take me geographically, even when they weren't extremely far.

Secondly, how certain is the wife's promotion and just how uncertain is the husbands? Moving to say, "well, I could get promoted" isn't the same thing as having it in hand.

And thirdly, I have to be honest and say that I'm kind of surprised that for a married woman with children, relocating without hubby is presented as a good option. Money is not everything, neither is career. And particularly with children involved, I'm not sure how making a unilateral decsion about this would help the family on the whole. The wife decides to go, hubby stays and resents her, children separated from one parent, finances more strained because money now has to support two households, marriage further weakens. And say hubby eventually follows. What about his dreams and what he wished to accomplish? Is there room for that too?

Good points - however if I understood OP if she does not go she loses her job and gets 6 months pay. In this economy who is to say she will find another job making anywhere close to her old income or find a job at all. The bills, marriage, and kids will still suffer. It appears that the family needs a two income household - I guess I would just go with who will make more money or figure out acceptable alternatives. But in the end the bills have to be paid.

 

[pisceschica]

I just think they should do what's best for the entire family, not just him & his precious ego. How is it not better for the family to move to a nicer area, have the opportunity to get a bigger home & the company she works for is going to pay the down payment and closing cost, plus a better school system so they end up saving more $$$ because right now they pay for private school because the area they live in has a shoddy school system.

.

Well in your OP it says move to a better school system not a shoddy one to a better one which leads me to believe one is simply better than the other.

Since both parents are currently working I would assume they have some daycare expenses. Maybe where they are at now its way less expensive or it's free because they have family. If they are moving that far away from family it may affect the happiness of the family as a whole.

AGAIN they are married. And while the situation seems like the greatest opportunity it may not be for this specific family due to special circumstances. There has to be a compromise because they are married after all. What happens if one day the husband gets into a career field that he excels at, he doubles his income, and wants her to drop everything to advance his career.

Yes it's a great opportunity for the family but again they are married and have to compromise. Call me naive but this situation is NOT a no brainer. NOTHING is guaranteed so this woman may get this new job and after a couple months toe company is bought out and the fire existing employees including her nor they have her moving around every couple of years, I highly doubt that anyone can argue having their gong children move to a new school every few years is an ideal situation. Do what Ishtar in the interest of the family bit at the same time since you are married you have to consider the hoer person's thoughts and feelings because you would want the same consideration if the roles were reversed.

 

[frida1980]

Marriage issues aside, relocation is not a light thing, even if it's only 3 hours away. You have to like where you live to be happy. I've closed plenty of doors for myself simply because I didn't want to go where they would take me geographically, even when they weren't extremely far.

Secondly, how certain is the wife's promotion and just how uncertain is the husbands? Moving to say, "well, I could get promoted" isn't the same thing as having it in hand.

And thirdly, I have to be honest and say that I'm kind of surprised that for a married woman with children, relocating without hubby is presented as a good option. Money is not everything, neither is career. And particularly with children involved, I'm not sure how making a unilateral decsion about this would help the family on the whole. The wife decides to go, hubby stays and resents her, children separated from one parent, finances more strained because money now has to support two households, marriage further weakens. And say hubby eventually follows. What about his dreams and what he wished to accomplish? Is there room for that too?

It's not presented as a good option, it's presented as a last resort. This man has basically said that he doesn't want to follow his wife. He doesn't make enough money to support the family. He doesn't want her to be a SAHM. There are no career options for her where she lives. This will greatly improve the family in so many ways. However, her husband is being completely selffish and unresonsable for piss poor reasons. "A man shouldn't follow a woman" What the heck is that? A mother is suppose to do what's right for her family and always put her family first, that includes the children. This more about them and their life and needs than their big head father's. Not taking this job could mean that the kids wouldn't be able to get new clothes or shoes. It may mean not joining clubs and sports teams. It may mean not going on field trips. It may mean enduring violent public schools. It could mean not going to college! It could mean losing their home!

It's a horrible decision, but providing for the family is the most important thing. When you have children, you have to sacrifice to provide for them and give them a better life. If she decides to stick it out with her husband, she may have condemned her children to a harder life. When I have to think about who has more at stake her, I chose the kids. They deserve better than to have their lives thrown into turmoil because of lack of funds. They also deserve to see a relationship built on mutual respect and compromise. If he wants what's best for his kids, he will follow his wife. But he's letting his male pride get in the way of common sense. I disgusted by it, truthfully. If she decides to stick it out, my prayers will be with her. She'll know in no time whether it was worth it or not.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

So, I really didn't know what to title this thread, sorry if the title doesn't match!

Anyways, here's the situation:

The wife's job is relocating to a different state (about 3 hours away) and the company has given the wife a 12 month notice. Wife has the option to take the job & relocate, take a settlement that equates to 6 months pay i.e. forfeiting her job. The wife's position is a professional position.. With some determination & effort, the wife can easily move up in the company. In addition to paying relocation benefits, the area the company is moving to also has better schools for the kiddos and a better housing market (more house for less $$$) The wife has been with the company 6 years.


The husband is in a lower position at his job, has been there for three years and would take longer to reach promotion potential. The husband however has point blank told the wife that relocating is out of the question & that she is going to have to do something else.

The wife doesn't want to give up the career she's worked so hard to obtain. Plus in this market the likelihood of the wife being able to obtain a job at her current level & pay is quite unlikely. When you throw in the fact that she doesn't trust her husband's ability to take care of her & their children on his income.... what is she to do???

What say you?

oh, and I forgot to add the company is also paying relocation benefits including down payment & closing costs on a new home & cost of living difference.

I'd take the job. The husband is being pig-headed!

 

[HappilyLiberal]

This is probably why I'm not married but maybe she could take the job and leave the kids and the husband in the hometown. I am willing to bet he will hightail it up to where she is with a quickness....

She does this and he'll charge her with abandonment and try to get custody of the kids and spousal/child support. She needs to take herself and her kids and let him grow the '*** up and follow her.

 

[miss stress]

This is a hard one. First off, If the job was really that great, I'm positive dh would have no problem with moving, but lets say he didnt want to move, I would listen to his reasons and try to be openminded and hopefully we could come to some sort of compromise like try if for a yr and if he doenst love it we can go back. If he still wasnt in love with the idea, I would take the settlement and we would stay there. No amount of money is worth my marriage and God wants us to submit to our husbands so I would leave it alone. And if things for us got worse after that, I'm sure he would feel really horrible for passing on that opportunity and that would b satisfction enough 4 me

 

[ladysaraii]

From the information provided, it sounds like she should take the opportunity and he needs to man up and go. esp with his reasoning. Just try it out. But they should make sure they crunch the numbers. And also, if it doesnt work out, how difficult would it be to move back and get jobs, get resettled, etc.

The move doesn't have to be forever, but if you have an opportunity, why not take it and try?

*adds this scenario to a master list of things to ask future dates*

 

[Honey Bee]

This happened to my brother and his wife. They moved, but it didn't turn out well. They got married young-ish, with only a few years of college. He had more of a hands-on/ blue-collar type of job, but was vested, and it was with a good company, so he was doing okay for his age. She had an office job with no upward mobility. They had my niece, and he sent the wife back to school. The plan was for him to go back later, but, when it comes to work, he's more of a 'traditional' man, in the sense that he prefers to work with his hands in some capacity.

The wife graduated, and my mom got her a job at a major investment house. She got promoted a few times, and they wanted her to relocate, all expenses paid, housing subsidy, etc. When they presented the idea to us (me and my mom) we were shocked at the suddenness, but they seemed like they were on the same page and excited about the prospect of moving out of their hometown.

We, on the other hand, considered what they'd be giving up. His company had nowhere to relocate my brother in that town, so he'd have to start all over, which he seemed cool with. We were the ones that didn't like the power differential that would automatically present itself under these circumstances.

The thing is, she had always made more money, but he had always totally handled everything else for her, including the house and their daughter. Which sounds bad, but she had been raised in near servitude, and didn't know anything about kids, so, suffice it to say, she had emotional issues. Meanwhile, he had basically raised me while my mom was working. End result, my mom and I are closer to her than her own mother. We picked her up from half days, she stayed with us every summer, we paid for dance/ music lessons, all with no help from the other grandparents, even though they're in the same damn borough and have plenty of disposable income. They didn't even know she could sing, smdh, but they sure are mighty willing to show her off.

All this back story is important, because it influenced what happened next. So, they move, and everything seems all good to us. A few years later, she's offered another opportunity to relocate, and they move again. A year or so passes, and my brother calls to wish me a happy b-day, and is like, I have something to tell you, but I don't want to ruin your day. Poor thing, I already knew, in my heart, what he was gonna say.

He had caught her cheating. Apparently, unbeknownst to us, she had cheated on him in the first town they moved to, and he had busted her then, but they reconciled. She claimed it was over, and he took her back for the sake of my then- 9/10 yo niece. He's big on family and thought the marriage was worth trying to save, especially since they had been together since they were teenagers. They decided to move and make a fresh start (the 2nd move), but about a year after they got down there, he found out that she was still texting old dude, in a way he found inappropriate. He didn't tell me exactly what cuz he's kinda taciturn, but I can imagine it was bad.

With that, he was done. He started sleeping on the couch and never went back. Although he wanted to move, because he made so much less than her, but had always contributed his fair share to the household, he didn't have much personal savings, so it took him a few months and that's when he called me.

He's now with some new chick, and says he's never been this happy in his life. She's my age (over a decade younger than he is), wants more kids (which my SIL refused to do), and fills him with such joy, I can't recall him sounding this happy since he was in HS. Also, they have more in common culturally. And my niece absolutely loves her, and her kids (she's divorced). Meanwhile, my SIL is stomping around the house mad and yelling at my niece for nothing, why? Because, apparently, old dude ain't calling like he used to.

I'm telling all my family business like this, lol, because I want OP to tell this story to her friend, and to ask her to consider the power differential in their relationship, if it exists, and to decide if they think they can withstand the inevitable shift. Are their goals aligned? Does he have plans to 'get on her level'? If not, they may be setting themselves up for an unavoidable clash sometime in the future. The way I see it with my brother, their goals were aligned initially, but then they grew apart. She started 'smelling herself', and he was going along, doing the same thing he'd always done, which was suddenly not good enough for her. Caution your friend against this potential outcome.


I have to stop writing these long-@ss posts.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

The wife doesn't want to give up the career she's worked so hard to obtain. Plus in this market the likelihood of the wife being able to obtain a job at her current level & pay is quite unlikely. When you throw in the fact that she doesn't trust her husband's ability to take care of her & their children on his income....

I think the bolded is key. She doesn't trust him to take care of their family. Her career aspirations aside, this is about the security of their family.

A few things are coming up for me. My immediate reaction is go for the career. I'm a very career minded person, I can't see myself staying with a man not supportive of my career aspirations like I will be of his. But more practically, in this economy money is tight and it seems like this move will benefit the entire family. If this man loves her and cares about the security/stability of their family, IMO he would at least entertain the idea. At first glance this guy seems more guided by ego than anything else.

I have to ask, before they married did they talk about who would be the bread-winner?

 

[ThickHair]

This happened to my brother and his wife. They moved, but it didn't turn out well. They got married young-ish, with only a few years of college. He had more of a hands-on/ blue-collar type of job, but was vested, and it was with a good company, so he was doing okay for his age. She had an office job with no upward mobility. They had my niece, and he sent the wife back to school. The plan was for him to go back later, but, when it comes to work, he's more of a 'traditional' man, in the sense that he prefers to work with his hands in some capacity.

The wife graduated, and my mom got her a job at a major investment house. She got promoted a few times, and they wanted her to relocate, all expenses paid, housing subsidy, etc. When they presented the idea to us (me and my mom) we were shocked at the suddenness, but they seemed like they were on the same page and excited about the prospect of moving out of their hometown.

We, on the other hand, considered what they'd be giving up. His company had nowhere to relocate my brother in that town, so he'd have to start all over, which he seemed cool with. We were the ones that didn't like the power differential that would automatically present itself under these circumstances.

The thing is, she had always made more money, but he had always totally handled everything else for her, including the house and their daughter. Which sounds bad, but she had been raised in near servitude, and didn't know anything about kids, so, suffice it to say, she had emotional issues. Meanwhile, he had basically raised me while my mom was working. End result, my mom and I are closer to her than her own mother. We picked her up from half days, she stayed with us every summer, we paid for dance/ music lessons, all with no help from the other grandparents, even though they're in the same damn borough and have plenty of disposable income. They didn't even know she could sing, smdh, but they sure are mighty willing to show her off.

All this back story is important, because it influenced what happened next. So, they move, and everything seems all good to us. A few years later, she's offered another opportunity to relocate, and they move again. A year or so passes, and my brother calls to wish me a happy b-day, and is like, I have something to tell you, but I don't want to ruin your day. Poor thing, I already knew, in my heart, what he was gonna say.

He had caught her cheating. Apparently, unbeknownst to us, she had cheated on him in the first town they moved to, and he had busted her then, but they reconciled. She claimed it was over, and he took her back for the sake of my then- 9/10 yo niece. He's big on family and thought the marriage was worth trying to save, especially since they had been together since they were teenagers. They decided to move and make a fresh start (the 2nd move), but about a year after they got down there, he found out that she was still texting old dude, in a way he found inappropriate. He didn't tell me exactly what cuz he's kinda taciturn, but I can imagine it was bad.

With that, he was done. He started sleeping on the couch and never went back. Although he wanted to move, because he made so much less than her, but had always contributed his fair share to the household, he didn't have much personal savings, so it took him a few months and that's when he called me.

He's now with some new chick, and says he's never been this happy in his life. She's my age (over a decade younger than he is), wants more kids (which my SIL refused to do), and fills him with such joy, I can't recall him sounding this happy since he was in HS. Also, they have more in common culturally. And my niece absolutely loves her, and her kids (she's divorced). Meanwhile, my SIL is stomping around the house mad and yelling at my niece for nothing, why? Because, apparently, old dude ain't calling like he used to.

I'm telling all my family business like this, lol, because I want OP to tell this story to her friend, and to ask her to consider the power differential in their relationship, if it exists, and to decide if they think they can withstand the inevitable shift. Are their goals aligned? Does he have plans to 'get on her level'? If not, they may be setting themselves up for an unavoidable clash sometime in the future. The way I see it with my brother, their goals were aligned initially, but then they grew apart. She started 'smelling herself', and he was going along, doing the same thing he'd always done, which was suddenly not good enough for her. Caution your friend against this potential outcome.


I have to stop writing these long-@ss posts.

This is an issue about cheating not relocating to me, because all of this could have gone down without ever leaving point A.

 

[Ladybelle]

I think the bolded is key. She doesn't trust him to take care of their family. Her career aspirations aside, this is about the security of their family.

A few things are coming up for me. My immediate reaction is go for the career. I'm a very career minded person, I can't see myself staying with a man not supportive of my career aspirations like I will be of his. But more practically, in this economy money is tight and it seems like this move will benefit the entire family. If this man loves her and cares about the security/stability of their family, IMO he would at least entertain the idea. At first glance this guy seems more guided by ego than anything else.

I have to ask, before they married did they talk about who would be the bread-winner?[/QUOTE]

There were no questions asked of who would be the primary bread-winner, but he made it clear that he expected his wife to contribute to the household expenses and that it takes "two" to be successful these days. He never expected to be the SOLE breadwinner, whether he meant to be PRIMARY breadwinner - I don't know.Now,she has surpassed him in her contributions to the family. It isn't a dramatic margin though.

He doesn't really care about his career- I think it the better term is "job". He isn't aggressively pursuing promotion in his career like she is. She's only been delayed by childbirth, but fully plans to do the things that equate to promotion at her perspective job.


I know this isn't a simple thing, but to me - based on the facts I've been given, it's just seems so wrong for her to give up her career. ESPECIALLY when she doesn't trust him to be able to hold it down by himself, in fact imo he's shown that he can't.