Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss

[hopeful]

This friendship is basically dead. I've also noticed that homegirl only comes around when she's single. Her excuse is she's very busy with work (as if I'm not). She also never apologized for her behavior about her housewarming party. I wanted to talk to her when I was hurting and tell her how I feel face to face but she couldn't make it cuz her boyfriend had a cold or something like that.

I wouldn't waste my breath ever trying to explain anything to her. Accept her as is. Let her be. Like we do with guys. Talking to her is hoping she will change. She won't. If she does it will only be temporarily. I'm learning to accept everyone as is. It makes life a lot less stressful.

 

[caribeandiva]

I wouldn't waste my breath ever trying to explain anything to her. Accept her as is. Let her be. Like we do with guys. Talking to her is hoping she will change. She won't. If she does it will only be temporarily. I'm learning to accept everyone as is. It makes life a lot less stressful.

Will do. Like you said in the other thread, I'll handle her with a very long handled spoon and keep it moving.

 

[Evolving78]

I don't have any.. been a yes woman/kid for most of my life. Boundaries were crossed and compromised too many times as a child. I have become very flight, or fight. I give into pressure, and demands until I explode. Then I come out looking like I'm crazy. Even with my own children. I didn't realize I had low self esteem, or was lacking in self confidence. I thought I had a lot of confidence. Now I feel I'm just a shell.

 

[hopeful]

I don't have any.. been a yes woman/kid for most of my life. Boundaries were crossed and compromised too many times as a child. I have become very flight, or fight. I give into pressure, and demands until I explode. Then I come out looking like I'm crazy. Even with my own children. I didn't realize I had low self esteem, or was lacking in self confidence. I thought I had a lot of confidence. Now I feel I'm just a shell.

When you know better, you do better . Don't beat yourself up. Live, learn, and keep moving forward.

 

[Evolving78]

When you know better, you do better . Don't beat yourself up. Live, learn, and keep moving forward.

It's just realization and reflecting. You are right! When I tell people I don't know any better, I really don't! Lol but I'm still moving, or trying to keep moving. I'm trying. Some days are better than others. I had to figure out the why. But I will analyze the hell out of something.

I could you point me to some online reference of how to establish boundaries safely in my situation? Do I even have that option?

 

[caribeandiva]

I don't have any.. been a yes woman/kid for most of my life. Boundaries were crossed and compromised too many times as a child. I have become very flight, or fight. I give into pressure, and demands until I explode. Then I come out looking like I'm crazy. Even with my own children. I didn't realize I had low self esteem, or was lacking in self confidence. I thought I had a lot of confidence. Now I feel I'm just a shell.

Oh no... you need to fix that. Been a shell of who you were is never a good thing. This thread is right on time then. It's full of good stuff that'll help you if you let it.

 

[Evolving78]

@caribeandiva
Thanks lady! I will read the thread!

 

[Ivonnovi]

@shortdub78
This Talk might be of some provide a good perspective for you. Her issues are somewhat boundary related.

 

[hopeful]

It's just realization and reflecting. You are right! When I tell people I don't know any better, I really don't! Lol but I'm still moving, or trying to keep moving. I'm trying. Some days are better than others. I had to figure out the why. But I will analyze the hell out of something.

I could you point me to some online reference of how to establish boundaries safely in my situation? Do I even have that option?

Re the bolded question, boundaries are mandatory for you to be happy and safe. They are not optional.



The above is the primary book we read but there are several different versions that address specific situations. If you read the above it's enough to help you to really understand boundaries, what they look like, and why they are so important.

Also, I know you are in a special circumstance at the moment and may not immediately be able to implement all of the strategies. But it will be good reading for you as you prepare for your new life and to set some limits on what you will not tolerate even now in your current situation. Above all though, be safe, keep you and your kids safe.

This may be helpful as well: http://www.boundariesbooks.com/

 

[Evolving78]

@hopeful
Thank you so much!

 

[Evolving78]

@shortdub78
This Talk might be of some provide a good perspective for you. Her issues are somewhat boundary related.

I saw this video on my feed, but didn't watch it! Thank you! I have been watching Terri Cole, Dad's Divorcing, Assoc Direct? There are a few more that I watched about codependency, boundaries, etc..

 

[hopeful]

How is everyone doing? This is good boundary crossing season. So many people will expect us to go out of our way for them while they wouldn’t dream of reciprocating. I continue to distance myself from these people.

My primary relationship goal is to only have reciprocal, balanced, loving, healthy, respectful relationships.

I spoke to a very close relative recently and when I got off the phone I felt sick to the stomach. She is very passive aggressive and I realized that I felt sick to the stomach because she was covertly hitting me below the belt, trying to hurt me. When she called a few days later to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, I was too busy to talk to her.

I decided that I was done and I deserve better. Life is constantly testing us to see if we’ve gotten the lesson.

 

[Evolving78]

I’m glad I stayed in for thanksgiving. I told people that I didn’t want to go out and I didn’t allow them to make me feel bad about it.

 

[caribeandiva]

I got very sick on Thanksgiving night with a bad cold. I’m still recovering. I had a date but I canceled it. I also canceled plans with friends. None of them made me feel guilty about it. This is progress because the old me would’ve forced myself to go just to please them. I’d end up miserable and probably resentful. I’m learning to put myself first. I’m still getting used to it but it feels good!

 

[LdyKamz]

I've never posted in this thread but I think it's about time. I feel like I'm finally getting better at enforcing my boundaries. I've always known what I needed to do but just wouldn't do it. I was either willfully letting people step on me and then would be so resentful, hurt and angry that I come here and complain about it or I would go off the deep end over some minor infraction because of all the other times someone stepped on me and would feel like I was over reacting and then still come here and complain about it.

I realized I don't need to feel any of these things as long as I enforce my boundaries. And I am finally doing that! For Thanksgiving everyone was saying they would come to my house. Just inviting themselves not even asking if I was cooking. Mind you, I am a single, childless young woman yet somehow my parents and everyone else in the family is under the impression that I should be having Thanksgiving. ??? That's just weird to me. The first couple years I was here was ok because it was my new apartment and a great time for everyone to visit. But now?

I mentioned to my sister that I have started to notice everyone always wants to come to my house for the big things - dinners, bbq's, holidays. Occasions where I will end up doing all the work and all they have to do is show up. So this year I politely but firmly informed everyone that Thanksgiving would not be at my house this year. I fully expected to spend the day alone because of this. So everyone decided they would go to a friend of the family's house and they invited me. But I was asked to bring 2 bottles of alcohol (which I agreed to - I wasn't going to show up empty handed) and 4 extra things of cheese for macaroni and cheese, some milk, some aluminium foil, paper towels (they had to be bounty) After the list got longer and longer I just said no thanks I won't be attending. Like I said, people volunteer my place simply so they don't have to bring or do anything. I get invited out and still have to bring supplies. No thank you.

They did try to make me feel guilty and I didn't engage. Then I get a phone call saying someone will stop by and bring me a plate of food. On the way over my mother is telling me she has the food but because I didn't come and bring the extra aluminum foil the food wasn't wrapped right. Cool.

 

[hopeful]

@KammyGirl
But they brought you a plate? If so, well done. What a departure from you being overworked and feeling unappreciated and burdened down. You should be proud of yourself. You stood your ground, didn’t over explain yourself or get drawn into drama. Spent your day how you wanted and got food to boot . Nice.

 

[LdyKamz]

@KammyGirl
But they brought you a plate? If so, well done. What a departure from you being overworked and feeling unappreciated and burdened down. You should be proud of yourself. You stood your ground, didn’t over explain yourself or get drawn into drama. Spent your day how you wanted and got food to boot . Nice.

Sure did. lol When my mother said the food wasn't wrapped right I was like "oh. just hold it good so it don't spill" I was so unbothered. The food was good too.

 

[caribeandiva]

Mind you, I am a single, childless young woman yet somehow my parents and everyone else in the family is under the impression that I should be having Thanksgiving. ??? That's just weird to me.

I don’t get it either. Do you have the nicest house out of everyone? If so that’s probably why.

 

[LdyKamz]

I don’t get it either. Do you have the nicest house out of everyone? If so that’s probably why.

No. My mother, grandfather and aunt all have whole houses to host people while I live in a 1 bedroom apartment. The first year I moved here we had Thanksgiving and Christmas here because I had just moved and it was a good time and excuse for everyone to come and visit and for me to show the place off. The next year we did it again because it was "so much fun the year before". And then after that people just starred telling me what time they were coming over.

One year I had to check my sister when I overheard her asking my father what time he was coming by. She got her feelings hurt and was like but it' a tradition. Then my father was sulking so I caved and did it. But I'm tired. No one brings anything, no one helps, no one cleans and no one wants to go home. So no more holidays over here.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I went home for the holidays and instead of tending to everyone's needs, I put me first. I went to the gym every day and I didn't make myself available until I was ready to.

Last year, I was so stressed out that I was sick for days. Slowly but surely, I'm learning.

My friends and I are going to do a book study on the Boundaries book.

 

[hopeful]

I went home for the holidays and instead of tending to everyone's needs, I put me first. I went to the gym every day and I didn't make myself available until I was ready to.

Last year, I was so stressed out that I was sick for days. Slowly but surely, I'm learning.

My friends and I are going to do a book study on the Boundaries book.

Yay! And how cool re a book study with friends! Love it!

 

[biznesswmn]

Life is constantly testing us to see if we’ve gotten the lesson.

Preach girl!
U think u got it and here it comes again from another angle

 

[PrissiSippi]

@CaraWalker
If you look at what I bolded I think the difference between setting and maintaining boundaries and giving ultimatums is where your heart and focus is. With ultimatums the focus is on the other person's bad behavior, them being disrespectful or unloving etc. So it becomes this either/or situation and the person is backed in a corner.

With boundaries the focus is on you, your dreams, your feelings, and what you hope for in a relationship. It comes from a softer and at the same time, a stronger, place. So it's like I get that you are a busy man and it appears you don't have time for a relationship, or at least a relationship with me. I need a relationship with a man who is willing to carve out enough time in his day to make me feel precious and like a priority. The amount of time you are investing is not enough for me and that's okay, and your choice. I wish you the best, but if this continues I will not be able to go out with you so much (or whatever it is you need to do to protect your heart). I like you a lot and I wish this could work out. And then you have to follow through with some type of action if the behavior continues. It's not taking other people's behavior so personally. It's taking how you feel in that situation personally. What really hurts is not their behavior it's our staying in a situation that hurts our hearts and makes us feel unimportant and unlovable, us not making the right choice for us.

Because a man pursuing a relationship while also giving so much to work or whatever is actually him having poor boundaries with work or whatever is taking up so much of his time and energy. Or yes, he could just be a jerk. But either way we aren't responsible for their behavior or actions, only ours.

And yes, this all HARD, especially with men we like, an especially if we are intimate with them too . And I haven't even started reading the book yet, but these are my thoughts at the moment.

Your boundary that you made was because of your dreams for you future life. How you envisioned your life to be and how you would seek security and protect your feelings in the future. It was not an ultimatum. Hopeful explained this so beautifully and I thought of you @PeaceLover

 

[hopeful]

How is everyone doing? I feel like I’m doing much better with boundaries. Every now and then a situation will have me stumped. And I’ll catch myself trying to get out of something without hurting someone’s feelings. I start feeling stuck. Then I just move forward and unstick myself. I’m learning how to be polite and very firm more and more. So far that combo has not failed me.

 

[hopeful]

We all hope for things to be a certain way. I think it’s very normal. But there comes a time when you realize that you must face the music, accept reality, and move on. Fairytales aren’t real. And they aren’t very satisfying either. We all have to slay dragons, our own personal demons, so that we can live our best, happiest life. Prince Charming does not exist. He is more than likely a narcissist.

 

[hopeful]

Really good video re boundaries:

 

[PrissiSippi]

My boundary I set about three weeeks age worked. I didn’t say it directly but I let it be known DH wasn’t just popping up to the house without telling me what time. He actually called and told me what time he left and what time he will be there. Boundary worked.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Looks like you’re taking pride in your appearance. Finally.

Oh I see you’re cooking now. Too bad you don’t even have anyone to cook for.

Yeah you probably don’t know what to do with your life you’ve always been in school.

@hopeful or anyone that’s kinda familiar with This @caribeandiva ?

Is the boundary just cut these type of people off. These are back handed compliments. I’m immune to them because I’m used to them from my dad. SO the problem is I don’t know what to do when they happen. I used to lash out and curse my parents out. They over the years painted me as the crazy chick who doesn’t have ave anybody to tact when talking to others. So now I say ok and walk away. BUT the compliments still hurt. What she a proper boundary other than limiting contact? Should you “check” mean people or what? With me I’m not a “checker” sonchecking leads to arguing when it’s someone I love.

This transcends to friends too. I have one I won’t give up the magic to. So he now says back handed comments about my son. He’s otherwise an okay person with me. Cut him off? Check it? Limit contact?

 

[hopeful]

@PrissiSippi
None of those things sound like compliments to me. They sound like insults or like they come from someone who doesn’t like you or is jealous of you and wants to hurt you. I would limit contact or cut off depending on who they were. You don’t deserve to be talked to like that and it’s not your job to explain to someone that talking that way is hurtful. I’m sad that you have people close to you who have so little regard for your feelings.

 

[caribeandiva]

These are back handed compliments.

Totally. Passive aggressive to the max. I agree with @hopeful limit contact or cut them off. It doesn’t have to be forever. I had to do that with my parents at first. Blocked them everywhere. Best decision ever. Now they know if they try me like that, I’ll leave and won’t come back. But with so-called friends I just stopped answering their calls or texts. Clean cut. If they ask why then I tell them but they usually don’t even ask. Best quote I heard about that was: “If you have to cut someone off, chances are they’re the ones who handed you the scissors”.