Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss

[hopeful]

@PrissiSippi
For the most part none of the questions deserve a response. The sexual questions are very disrespectful. I would ignore the people asking sexual questions and remove myself from the conversation.

The other questions I would ignore or say I don't share personal info. When people ask how much things costs I tend to say I don't remember, it was a gift, you can check online, or shrug my shoulders if I don't want to answer. Or ignore them.

 

[hopeful]

Bumping ...

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I opened this thread at the right time. I'm going to have to make a hard decision with someone I love. It won't be easy.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Also there are tons of boundaries books by Henry Cloud. Which one do folks suggest to buy?

 

[hopeful]

Also there are tons of boundaries books by Henry Cloud. Which one do folks suggest to buy?

I got Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and Boundaries in Marriage. I think if you get the first one you will be good, at least to start.

 

[CaraWalker]

i forgot black folks be begging.

when i was recently doing retail actually it was surprisingly easy to make friends or at least be friendly with the other black women. but i forgot about asking for ****.

there was this girl probably about 17, one day she figured out we were going to get off work at the same time. she straight up badgered me into giving her a ride home (which was 3 miles in the opposite direction which is a good half hour in city traffic). the way she kept asking she was not really asking at all. she was "asking" in a way where the only acceptable response was to give in, and when i said no, just responded with new "pleas" in the form of disregarding why i said no. she was so persistent that i gave in. and then after she done badgered her way into my car... i pull out a candy bar and she straight up just held her hand out for a piece! i forgot about this **** yall!

so i made friends with this other girl who mentioned smoking weed which is a thing i feel like i might be interested in getting into but i dont know where to find it. so i say ok hook me up. she sends me on a wild goose chase with someone she supposedly knows and that goes nowhere. but then the next time i hear from her she is asking me to borrow 10 dollars for her weed and shell pay me back when she gets paid. cmon man if ima borrow some money ima probably just skip the weed until next time. i did give her the 10 because its 10 dollars who cares, and she did return it later.

so i have quit that job now because it was just too much of a time commitment for the little money it paid. she texts me last night supposedly asking me where i have been and everything whatever. then she asks whether im out that night which i ignored because for what? why you wanna know?

she texts me today asking if i can do her a huge favor.

i dont even want to respond because im not trying to be in the position to be doing an ex coworker i dont even work with anymore favors, especially since she is probably going to ask to borrow some money. like where you get off even asking me to borrow money though? i dont mind in the sense that im particularly worried about getting it back (actually i probably should be, but i wouldnt give anything that i really needed back) but it would never occur to me to ask a casual acquaintance for some kind of big favor. takes me forever to ask people i know for ****.

i wonder what it is but im also thinking i shouldnt even reply.

 

[hopeful]

@CaraWalker
Don't respond, or if you do, do so with the intention of having good boundaries and say no. You don't have to explain no either. A simple no, sorry I can't help you out. 2nd plea respond with good luck, hope you find someone else to help you out. 3rd plea reply with silence. The book really helps with understanding why it's hard for some to say no and why it's so important to have good boundaries.

 

[hopeful]

Also if you see it less as begging and more as demanding and manipulating that may be helpful too.

 

[DarkJoy]

Also if you see it less as begging and more as demanding and manipulating that may be helpful too.

Excellent point.

 

[caribeandiva]

Also if you see it less as begging and more as demanding and manipulating that may be helpful too.

because that's exactly what it is: demanding and manipulating. No one is entitled to your money, except you.

 

[caribeandiva]

So my dad keeps telling me to pay for my 16 year old brother to get his learner's permit like it's my job. Not even asking me, TELLING me to pay for it. My dad is acting like I have kids or something. I ain't gonna do sht. That's his child, thus his responsibility not mine. I love my dad but I hate when he starts counting my coin and acting all entitled like that all because he's my dad.

 

[nlamr2013]

Hmm I may need to get this book
I have boundaries but I think they may be me trying to be controlling vs protecting my peace.

 

[natural2008]

So my dad keeps telling me to pay for my 16 year old brother to get his learner's permit like it's my job. Not even asking me, TELLING me to pay for it. My dad is acting like I have kids or something. I ain't gonna do sht. That's his child, thus his responsibility not mine. I love my dad but I hate when he starts counting my coin and acting all entitled like that all because he's my dad.

Young bruh can get a job and pay for it on his own.

 

[caribeandiva]

Young bruh can get a job and pay for it on his own.

That's the plan

 

[caribeandiva]

Hmm I may need to get this book
I have boundaries but I think they may be me trying to be controlling vs protecting my peace.

Then I'd reevaluate my boundaries if I were in your shoes. That's not what boundaries are.

 

[natural2008]

Young bruh can get a job and pay for it on his own.

Yes, this is what being grown is about. Working for the items one needs and saving up for it. Money doesn't grow on trees. He must learn to be responsible.

 

[PeaceLover]

I set a huge boundary recently. I didn't want to speak on it too soon because I didn't know if I would cave in, but I'm sticking to my guns. I got that deposit venue back for the wedding. I told my fiancé unless we start communicating more and he does two things I specifically asked for, the wedding planning is on hold. I haven't told anyone that the engagement is off because it isn't just yet. But I need him to do the things I asked him to do or I won't start back planning. He was shocked to say the least. I'll update later...

 

[PrissiSippi]

I set a huge boundary recently. I didn't want to speak on it too soon because I didn't know if I would cave in, but I'm sticking to my guns. I got that deposit venue back for the wedding. I told my fiancé unless we start communicating more and he does two things I specifically asked for, the wedding planning is on hold. I haven't told anyone that the engagement is off because it isn't just yet. But I need him to do the things I asked him to do or I won't start back planning. He was shocked to say the least. I'll update later...

Yaaaaaaaaay! You got this boo! Stick to your guns!!

 

[caribeandiva]

I set a huge boundary recently. I didn't want to speak on it too soon because I didn't know if I would cave in, but I'm sticking to my guns. I got that deposit venue back for the wedding. I told my fiancé unless we start communicating more and he does two things I specifically asked for, the wedding planning is on hold. I haven't told anyone that the engagement is off because it isn't just yet. But I need him to do the things I asked him to do or I won't start back planning. He was shocked to say the least. I'll update later...

Better you do this now vs after getting married.

 

[ClassyJSP]

Sounds like a good book I went ahead and used my gift card to order it.

 

[hopeful]

How's everyone doing?

 

[hopeful]

I have thinking lately about how to spot people with poor boundaries. I was thinking that men who are very pushy are scary. For instance, many of us aren't afraid of say a young child or an elderly person. We may let our guard down with them because we aren't afraid of them, assume they can't or won't harm us. So a guy pushing super fast has little fear of being hurt. My question is why? Is it because he feels stronger and/or superior to you? Because he has no intention of being vulnerable or revealing himself? Because he is planning on getting what he wants and moving along? Or is he just not protective of himself? I'm inclined to believe he has poor boundaries because he feels HE doesn't need them because he protects himself in other ways. I just keep seeing these stories of men rushing things with women, the women get hurt, and the men keep it moving. Men without good boundaries are a huge red flag.

 

[JFK]

I have thinking lately about how to spot people with poor boundaries. I was thinking that men who are very pushy are scary. For instance, many of us aren't afraid of say a young child or an elderly person. We may let our guard down with them because we aren't afraid of them, assume they can't or won't harm us. So a guy pushing super fast has little fear of being hurt. My question is why? Is it because he feels stronger and/or superior to you? Because he has no intention of being vulnerable or revealing himself? Because he is planning on getting what he wants and moving along? Or is he just not protective of himself? I'm inclined to believe he has poor boundaries because he feels HE doesn't need them because he protects himself in other ways. I just keep seeing these stories of men rushing things with women, the women get hurt, and the men keep it moving. Men without good boundaries are a huge red flag.

You know what, this is so true!
I'm thinking about dude I created that other thread for....it's like he has NO boundaries. Zero.

It makes sense that he thinks he doesn't need to set them up because he may look at me as the prey and he's the hunter. He doesn't feel the need protect himself because it's me who needs protection and he knows it.

 

[caribeandiva]

Because he is planning on getting what he wants and moving along?

I think that's why most pushy men do it. They're used to getting what they want because no one's ever stood up to them before. They are boundary busters (bullies basically). Try saying no to them and see how well they take it...

 

[caribeandiva]

Bump. I'm currently doing my annual reread of this book. Technically I'm listening to the book. Same thing. I need an annual refresher because boundaries are NOT natural to me because of how I grew up.

 

[phynestone]

Thank you! I'm glad you still answered. You're right I wouldn't be as angry if the shoe was on the other foot. In the past when she had to cancel last minute (which happened several times), I was disappointed and I told her that but I didn't get angry at her or guilt her into anything. I reached out to her twice since the party and she's acted distant both times. Saying she's been busy with work. I'm not reaching out anymore.

Your friend is rude. Period. Yes, you should have checked your schedule, but at least you called and informed her that you wouldn't be able to attend ahead of time. Now she wants to be distant even though you tried reaching out twice? And you helped her move....all day? She has a problem too. You've been understanding when she couldn't make it to your events last minute, but she has an attitude with you.

I think the underlying message here is that she seems to be an individual who can dish out certain behavior but has an issue with accepting it from others. Okay, fine. You may want to reevaluate that friendship. Real talk.

 

[caribeandiva]

Your friend is rude. Period. Yes, you should have checked your schedule, but at least you called and informed her that you wouldn't be able to attend ahead of time. Now she wants to be distant even though you tried reaching out twice? And you helped her move....all day? She has a problem too. You've been understanding when she couldn't make it to your events last minute, but she has an attitude with you.

I think the underlying message here is that she seems to be an individual who can dish out certain behavior but has an issue with accepting it from others. Okay, fine. You may want to reevaluate that friendship. Real talk.

Thank you! I'm noticing a pattern with her so I've been paying extra attention to her behavior. It's very hit or miss. I've pulled back a lot because I've given way more time to this friendship than she has. I don't think she'd spend all day helping me move if I needed her to. That's why I gotta keep reading the boundaries book because old friendships like that are easy to lose yourself in cuz they knew me when I was still codependent (I.e. Before I learned boundaries). Honestly she's the last person I still talk to from my pre-boundaries days (all of my other "friends" turned out to be toxic) and that might not even last much longer.

 

[Sky]

Yes I love the boundary books and refer to them often.

 

[caribeandiva]

Your friend is rude. Period. Yes, you should have checked your schedule, but at least you called and informed her that you wouldn't be able to attend ahead of time. Now she wants to be distant even though you tried reaching out twice? And you helped her move....all day? She has a problem too. You've been understanding when she couldn't make it to your events last minute, but she has an attitude with you.

I think the underlying message here is that she seems to be an individual who can dish out certain behavior but has an issue with accepting it from others. Okay, fine. You may want to reevaluate that friendship. Real talk.

also forgot to add that her boyfriend was ignoring her for days. A mutual friend of ours told her that is a huge red flag (I agree). She straight up been ignoring that mutual friend since then. Wth?

 

[caribeandiva]

I need to have better boundaries with my time. A friend just bought a house and she's throwing a house warming party. She sent out the invites 2 weeks ago and I rsvpd immediately saying I'd be there. I forgot that I had a business seminar scheduled for the same time. I figured I'd find a way to go to both since I know the party means a lot to her. Turns out I couldn't. So I texted her yesterday to turn down the party. I apologized profusely for not telling her sooner and I took full responsibility for my actions. She's pissed because I didn't tell her sooner. The party is this upcoming weekend btw. I need to take my time and check my schedule before I say yes to things because then I end up looking flaky.

This friendship is basically dead. I've also noticed that homegirl only comes around when she's single. Her excuse is she's very busy with work (as if I'm not). She also never apologized for her behavior about her housewarming party. I wanted to talk to her when I was hurting and tell her how I feel face to face but she couldn't make it cuz her boyfriend had a cold or something like that.