Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss

Fine 4s said:
These are good stories to help us stay on track. My homebody just lent someone 30k and immediately felt uncomfortable about it and called me to ask me my thoughts. What the money was needed for wasn't even clear nor did it involve life, death, hospital or surgery...or dead babies. I told him what I thought and that's that. Do you know what he said? That he hopes not lending him the money (asking him to not cash the check given) won't get in the way of their friendship. Whaaaaaa?
See, we all struggle with saying no, no matter how foolish. I hope he listened.
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But instead of hoping dude isn't offended by him saying no why doesn't he acknowledge that dude didn't mind making him uncomfortable by asking in the first place? Especially when the need isn't even clear or apparent.

I give ZERO effs about passing up all these go find me appeals. Tired of people always expecting others to clean up their messes. Just because you can buy something doesn't mean you can afford it. If you tell me to mind my business then, then I'll keep on minding it when you're singing some avoidable sad song looking for help.

Just had this discussion with my mother. Then showed her picture of the askee's Fb post with all their Christmas flossing. No sir, no madam. You nuh buy my mother a card yet you call here asking for money just days after Christmas?
 
@hopeful
He proceeded with the lending.
He got clarification on what the money would be used for and has a time frame for when it would be paid back. The risk is less than he realized so he felt more comfortable lending. It's his learning experience. Mine was HORRIBLE so I can only give advice based on my reality.
 
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^^^She didn't forget anything. Trifling. You should have said something. But since you didn't I would just be very careful around her in the future. She is definitely up to something. If you bring it up she will just play very dumb and innocent. Just know that she is testing you and him. I didn't know you had a roommate. For some reason I always assumed you lived alone.

And your friend is dumb. He will not see that $30,000 again.
 
@hopeful. It was so uncomfortable.
You probably thought that because I own? She's helping me with my student loans but maybe it's time for a new housemate....
 
It's 2016 ladies. How are you doing with figuring out what your boundaries are and honoring them? Just finished day 10 of the baggage reclaim embracing healthy boundaries course and it continues to be everything I hoped for.
 
Well the same friend I mentioned above officially ended our friendship. 15 years down the drain. She still says that she'd do it for me if I asked her to borrow money. I told her I'm not mad at her. I never was but I respect her decision. She had other issues too and is usually full of drama so I think this is for the best.
 
caribeandiva said:
Well the same friend I mentioned above officially ended our friendship. 15 years down the drain. She still says that she'd do it for me if I asked her to borrow money. I told her I'm not mad at her. I never was but I respect her decision. She had other issues too and is usually full of drama so I think this is for the best.
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Its not down the drain. She was there for a certain season and her time was done. Lesson learned otherwise it would be repeated in the guise of someone new. The fact that she thinks she would have money if she lent it out all willy nilly shows her utter lack of financial sense and lack of respect for your personal choices.

And when she comes back in a few months saying let bygones be bygones and don't let a few rash words come between friends remember how her dismissal of your friendship made you feel. #byefelicia
 
I had a boundaries victory tonight! My brother is joining the military so I threw him a goodbye party tonight . It was very last minute. I forgot to invite my parents or at least mention it to them. So tonight my mom tells me how upset my dad is. I go over to their house. I barely get I'm sorry out of my mouth when he lets me have it! He was very angry. I told myself his anger is his own and can't hurt me. My dad kept ranting and raving about how upset he is. For the first time in my life I was able to look at my dad, really look at him. I saw a man whose pride was hurt, who thought that his children are ashamed of him. That helped me stay detached. I didn't get angry back. I realized that he just wanted to vent and get everything off his chest. I listened without interrupting and counted to 30 to make sure he was really done. I was able to not let his emotions affect my mood. That's a first for me.
 
caribeandiva said:
I had a boundaries victory tonight! My brother is joining the military so I threw him a goodbye party tonight . It was very last minute. I forgot to invite my parents or at least mention it to them. So tonight my mom tells me how upset my dad is. I go over to their house. I barely get I'm sorry out of my mouth when he lets me have it! He was very angry. I told myself his anger is his own and can't hurt me. My dad kept ranting and raving about how upset he is. For the first time in my life I was able to look at my dad, really look at him. I saw a man whose pride was hurt, who thought that his children are ashamed of him. That helped me stay detached. I didn't get angry back. I realized that he just wanted to vent and get everything off his chest. I listened without interrupting and counted to 30 to make sure he was really done. I was able to not let his emotions affect my mood. That's a first for me.
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Man, @caribeandiva!!! I'll keep it short and simply say, "Nice, nice, nice. Awesome, awesome, awesome." NOT EASY! Impressive work. :smile:
 
I need to have better boundaries with my time. A friend just bought a house and she's throwing a house warming party. She sent out the invites 2 weeks ago and I rsvpd immediately saying I'd be there. I forgot that I had a business seminar scheduled for the same time. I figured I'd find a way to go to both since I know the party means a lot to her. Turns out I couldn't. So I texted her yesterday to turn down the party. I apologized profusely for not telling her sooner and I took full responsibility for my actions. She's pissed because I didn't tell her sooner. The party is this upcoming weekend btw. I need to take my time and check my schedule before I say yes to things because then I end up looking flaky.
 
@caribeandiva
Unless I am 100% sure I can make an event I almost always tell the person maybe and/or I will try, and I will keep them updated. If you had switched your yes to a maybe as soon as you realized the conflict she probably would have been more understanding. That said, I think she is doing too much. I guess she feels you are putting business ahead of friendship? I'm assuming a lot of people will be attending though? She is probably really excited and proud of herself and wanted to share that moment with you. If she's usually understanding I would respect her hurt feelings and do like you are doing an reaccess how I rsvp and manage my time. Don't be too hard on yourself though. We are all works in progress.
 
hopeful said:
@caribeandiva
Unless I am 100% sure I can make an event I almost always tell the person maybe and/or I will try, and I will keep them updated. If you had switched your yes to a maybe as soon as you realized the conflict she probably would have been more understanding. That said, I think she is doing too much. I guess she feels you are putting business ahead of friendship? I'm assuming a lot of people will be attending though? She is probably really excited and proud of herself and wanted to share that moment with you. If she's usually understanding I would respect her hurt feelings and do like you are doing an reaccess how I rsvp and manage my time. Don't be too hard on yourself though. We are all works in progress.
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She's doing a lot for the party because you're right, she's excited and proud of herself for coming this far alone. She has a lot of people coming including her boss and colleagues. I know she wants me to share in that moment. After all I was there every step of the way with her when she was applying and approved, when it was being built, buying furniture, checking up on it etc... Heck I even took a whole day to help her move, drove the Uhaul and loaded and unloaded it. I'm not excusing what I did though. Im usually at everything else she hosts though. She's usually a reasonable person so I know I messed up. She's mad I didn't tell her sooner. Lesson learned.
 
caribeandiva said:
She's doing a lot for the party because you're right, she's excited and proud of herself for coming this far alone. She has a lot of people coming including her boss and colleagues. I know she wants me to share in that moment. After all I was there every step of the way with her when she was applying and approved, when it was being built, buying furniture, checking up on it etc... Heck I even took a whole day to help her move, drove the Uhaul and loaded and unloaded it. I'm not excusing what I did though. Im usually at everything else she hosts though. She's usually a reasonable person so I know I messed up. She's mad I didn't tell her sooner. Lesson learned.
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I know its two weeks later but since this thread has been around for a while (& I've been on break) I'm going to still respond because your response to your friend bothers me. If the shoe was on the other foot would you have been as angry? I doubt it. Life happens. You were there for the important parts, helping her through the process, picking out furniture and helping her move. If you had not been around for any of that and she was disappointed that you were unable to come through to the party and see the house I could give her 5 minutes to sulk but you've done all of that and more and your name isn't on the mortgage note. There is no need to feel guilty for advising her in advance that you double booked and couldn't come. It's not like you dumped her last minute for a date. Your business seminar was important to you. If you had said from the beginning you couldn't make it because of the seminar she'd still be mad. She needs to respect that you have your own life and you don't need to overly apologize about not being there for one event. Those that I used to let guilt me for not always prioritizing their things are no where to be found for mine and at this point I no longer miss them.
 
bklynbornNbred said:
I know its two weeks later but since this thread has been around for a while (& I've been on break) I'm going to still respond because your response to your friend bothers me. If the shoe was on the other foot would you have been as angry? I doubt it. Life happens. You were there for the important parts, helping her through the process, picking out furniture and helping her move. If you had not been around for any of that and she was disappointed that you were unable to come through to the party and see the house I could give her 5 minutes to sulk but you've done all of that and more and your name isn't on the mortgage note. There is no need to feel guilty for advising her in advance that you double booked and couldn't come. It's not like you dumped her last minute for a date. Your business seminar was important to you. If you had said from the beginning you couldn't make it because of the seminar she'd still be mad. She needs to respect that you have your own life and you don't need to overly apologize about not being there for one event. Those that I used to let guilt me for not always prioritizing their things are no where to be found for mine and at this point I no longer miss them.
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Thank you! I'm glad you still answered. :yep: You're right I wouldn't be as angry if the shoe was on the other foot. In the past when she had to cancel last minute (which happened several times), I was disappointed and I told her that but I didn't get angry at her or guilt her into anything. I reached out to her twice since the party and she's acted distant both times. Saying she's been busy with work. I'm not reaching out anymore.
 
@hopeful I hope I'm posting in the right thread, but I would like to know more about how you would handle certain boundary scenarios. For whatever reason I'm clueless...seriously. Aight.

I'm short; I get it. I'm cute. I get it. People ask me sexual/personal questions all the time that affect my relationship with DH and just personal. I don't meant to be rude. How to address it and stop it?

A. "You're so short, I'm sure your DH picks you up and just bounces you around during sex. Is that true?"
B. If only I had found you before your DH I would have done plenty of freaky things to you. Maybe we will have our time one day?
C. DH looks like he can't hit that thang right. Can he?
D. How much money do you make?
E. How do you afford XYZ
F. You seem to be spoiled. I bet your parents give you everything you want. Do that blah blah insert explicit example
G. How much does this cost. How did you buy it?
 
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