shortycocoa
Hair Weave Killer
These are all excellent boundaries! I am definitely learning how to establish, enforce and re-enforce certain boundaries with some people in my life so I love your list.
Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss
- Thread starter hopeful
- Start date
These are all excellent boundaries! I am definitely learning how to establish, enforce and re-enforce certain boundaries with some people in my life so I love your list.
alundra
Addicted to jdramas
Advice on setting up boundaries: Learn that there are different types of boundaries. Write a list of what your boundaries are. Here's a website:
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries
- Physical boundaries
- Sexual boundaries
- Material boundaries
- Mental boundaries
- Emotional boundaries
- Spiritual boundaries
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
I have struggled with this one, making decisions on settling my mom's estate. Maybe no one ever feels that they've done everything the right way. This message was right on time.
alundra
Addicted to jdramas
I've struggled with this too. People are so good at trying to make me feel bad. Don't let others do this to you too.
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
I'm sorry that you had to deal with this too. I finally put others in their place but then I started questioning myself. Even though these are decisions my mom and I discussed beforehand, others weren't privy to it. That's when the guilt comes ... I'm so used to needing validation.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
That guilty feeling is going to come, especially if you are a woman. Most of us were raised to please, not to soar and do what’s best for us. When you step up you are trying to change paradigms and live differently but those you are interacting with want things to stay the same. It’s like trying to get off a merry go round. People don’t want you to change. They want/need you to keep going round and round with them.
Change is hard. We fight ourselves. Individuals fight us. Society fights us. But our lives won’t change until we find the courage to change. Put your mom’s affairs to rest as best you can. And get on with your life. She put you in charge because she trusted you. You don’t deserve to suffer anymore. Please yourself and her. That’s it.
It’s hard enough losing our moms. And you will never be able to please everyone — ever. It’s an impossible task.
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
caribeandiva
Human being
Whenever I have a hard decision to make I ask myself: “Would you rather have other people be mad at you or have you be mad at you?” I learned from experience it’s way worse to be mad at yourself.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
My mother asked me what did I buy ex-DH for his birthday. I said nothing. (Old me would have gone into detail about WHY I didn't buy anything for him.) She said well he surely is handsome. I saw a picture of him on Facebook and he had a nice haircut. He's so handsome.
Oh okay. This dude left his family, couldn't be found for days at a time, is sorry, constantly losing and mismanaging money, and more. What does "handsome" have to do with it?
I'm just proud of myself for not falling into the trap and arguing. I just kept it moving. My peace is to be protected above anything else.
Oh okay. This dude left his family, couldn't be found for days at a time, is sorry, constantly losing and mismanaging money, and more. What does "handsome" have to do with it?
I'm just proud of myself for not falling into the trap and arguing. I just kept it moving. My peace is to be protected above anything else.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Yay! Good for you @PrissiSippi!
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
My mother kept my son. Instead of sticking around and talking I just got my son and left 5 minutes later. No oh let me change his diaper or sit down and let’s talk. She criticized my clothes (sorority T-shirt and matching workout shorts) and said I was going to get abducted and who was I exercising with. Nunya. I left ASAP. I’ll get the hang of this more and more as time goes on.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
onyxdreams
Well-Known Member
I should have read this thread sooner. DH invited me to an event that would include people from his military unit. I consistently said no but than was guilted into going. As expected something happened to piss me off and we argued ruining the evening for us both. Had I kept my original instincts and not attend, he would have been upset but I would have peace.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@onyxdreams thank you for sharing your story. He invited you but ended up coercing you to attend. I am learning the importance of being able to stand my ground with everyone. It’s really hard sometimes because there is often something going on subconsciously that makes us feel we don’t have the right to say no. Somewhere in childhood usually someone very important to us told us (or showed us) that we didn’t have the right to say no. And society forces down our throats that we must be nice because we are women.
Sometimes nice is a set up. Sometimes nice makes it impossible for us to say NO. Thank you for the invite but I really don’t want to attend. Period. We shouldn’t have to go on and on explaining and justifying.
Your dh is a big boy he could have gone alone or skipped it all together and done something fun with you. But as a man he likely thinks he has the right to have his way and coerce others to meet his needs.
All you can do is keep healing that part of you that isn’t always strong. We have to change and face the pushback. And there is often lots and lots of pushback.
I’m sorry you had to experience what you did but it looks like you are ready to make some changes. Please keep us updated as you keep changing and growing. It’s quite a journey— but definitely worthwhile.
Sometimes nice is a set up. Sometimes nice makes it impossible for us to say NO. Thank you for the invite but I really don’t want to attend. Period. We shouldn’t have to go on and on explaining and justifying.
Your dh is a big boy he could have gone alone or skipped it all together and done something fun with you. But as a man he likely thinks he has the right to have his way and coerce others to meet his needs.
All you can do is keep healing that part of you that isn’t always strong. We have to change and face the pushback. And there is often lots and lots of pushback.
I’m sorry you had to experience what you did but it looks like you are ready to make some changes. Please keep us updated as you keep changing and growing. It’s quite a journey— but definitely worthwhile.
onyxdreams
Well-Known Member
The thing is I knew in my gut and mind I was being manipulated. I decided to suck it up and spend time with him because he was making an effort to spend time with me. There won't be a next time, I will listen to my instinct. When he makes up his mind no one, not even me can change it.
Farida
Well-Known Member
DH roped me into a Kavanaugh discussion. I am a lawyer so of course I had a lot to say about what he said and didn’t say and what my legal opinion is...
So I told DH that Kav lost me with his drinking. He didn’t want to say no because it would be perjury and he didn’t say yes because then you could argue it was possible he drank so much he doesn’t remember assualting Dr. Ford
I told DH that added points to the side that he did it. DH told me I was being unfair because as a lawyer I would have advised him to answer the same.
I got super fristrated and raised my voice and DH told me he didn’t want to hear from me anymore. Now he is sulking trying to guilt me.
I apologized for raising my voice and said I needed to calm down. Nothing from him. Whatevs. Whenever he is emotional I give him a pass...but I don’t get one?
So I told DH that Kav lost me with his drinking. He didn’t want to say no because it would be perjury and he didn’t say yes because then you could argue it was possible he drank so much he doesn’t remember assualting Dr. Ford
I told DH that added points to the side that he did it. DH told me I was being unfair because as a lawyer I would have advised him to answer the same.
I got super fristrated and raised my voice and DH told me he didn’t want to hear from me anymore. Now he is sulking trying to guilt me.
I apologized for raising my voice and said I needed to calm down. Nothing from him. Whatevs. Whenever he is emotional I give him a pass...but I don’t get one?
onyxdreams
Well-Known Member
Men dont know howto give emotional passes
I'm in my own hot water right now, so clearly I'm no expert! I can say that before this weekend, what worked for me was only half participating in hot topic conversations. If the topic doesn't pertain directly to me, I do not attach any feelings to it. I had a heated discussion about Kaepernick with my husband, who is a black man but serves in the military. After a while he was offended at my tone and I was offended by his myopic view of the issues. Through self reflection, I decided not to place myself into situations like that, even when asked.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@Farida and @onyxdreams
It’s a set up. No way to win. Sorry both of you got roped into a conversation/discussion/fight over Kavanaugh and Kaepernick. It’s ridiculous and unkind.
It’s a set up. No way to win. Sorry both of you got roped into a conversation/discussion/fight over Kavanaugh and Kaepernick. It’s ridiculous and unkind.
Farida
Well-Known Member
I should have known better. I DO know better. I usually avoid debates on issues that don’t directly affect us. DH and I had been on the same page on this issue so silly me got trapped.
From now on if it doesn’t involve us, I will nod and agree or deflect. No need fueling divorce flames over other people’s lives.
Farida
Well-Known Member
I intentionally avoid Kaepernick discussions because my DH was military so tends to be very pro-gun and pro-law enforcement. So I know better than to engage on those issues. Truth is it is emotional for him because he can see himself in some of those situations. But he would never admit it is emotional. So I kust avoid, deflect, lie. If it has nothing to do with our household it is not worth it.
alundra
Addicted to jdramas
Edit: I didn't know this thread was based on this book! Sorry... I haven't read the whole thing.
I'm reading a book called Boundaries by Cloud Townsend.
In this book, the author describes boundaries in the same way he describes a fence going around your house. Your fence is around your house for a reason, and thus boundaries exist for a reason.
I work with clients and last year I went over, above and beyond with my time. I did too much for too little appreciation, so I stopped. This year, I made sure the clients had everything they needed, set out expectations and got to work. Whenever clients go over the line, I remind them of the resources that I have given them.
Someone this morning a client asked me to help her on her job search. Last year I might have said yes and spent 3-4 hours helping her, but this year I told her no and directed her to the correct place. She's going to ask her husband instead.
I'm reading a book called Boundaries by Cloud Townsend.
In this book, the author describes boundaries in the same way he describes a fence going around your house. Your fence is around your house for a reason, and thus boundaries exist for a reason.
I work with clients and last year I went over, above and beyond with my time. I did too much for too little appreciation, so I stopped. This year, I made sure the clients had everything they needed, set out expectations and got to work. Whenever clients go over the line, I remind them of the resources that I have given them.
Someone this morning a client asked me to help her on her job search. Last year I might have said yes and spent 3-4 hours helping her, but this year I told her no and directed her to the correct place. She's going to ask her husband instead.
Last edited:
hopeful
Well-Known Member
That’s the book this thread is based on. Good for you re implementing better boundaries. We are all continuing to grow and have better boundaries which equals a happier life.
alundra
Addicted to jdramas
Thanks! I didn't see the beginning of the thread. My comment was moved from another post to this thread and I haven't had a chance to read the whole thing.
biznesswmn
Well-Known Member
@BEAUTYU2U @onyxdreams
In the book he says youre making progress when you feel that guilt so learn to embrace it.
In the book he says youre making progress when you feel that guilt so learn to embrace it.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
Soft on the outside in my feminine energy but strong on the inside with my boundaries. I’m here for these last days of 2018. Let’s get it.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
My mother is upset that I went camping and didn’t tell her. She says I could have died or been kidnapped and I’m stupid because I didn’t tell the most important people....my parents. I just said Okay and picked up my son from their house. *shrugs* Now she won’t answer the phone. Any suggestions?
Last edited:
caribeandiva
Human being
@PrissiSippi Let her be. It’s ok if she’s angry. She’ll be alright.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
So my mother was in Jamaica. She came back last night and asked my brother to pick her up from the airport last night around 8 ish. My brother knew about this trip and the fact he had to pick her up from the airport. He called me asking ME to pick her up from the airport because he had to work at 11. SO! You knew about this trip so either you could have taken off or made arrangements to pick her up. PLUS she treats him like the golden child and I'm the scapegoat.
Rewind a little bit....A few months ago my mother made the comment she didn't give a flying flip about my son. She said if I died she would send him to foster care and nobody loves him. This was coupled with your ex-husband doesn't even love you. That was a boundary I feel she shouldn't have crossed. I told her it was wrong and after that I called my brother and told him the situation. He said, You know she didn't really mean that. I told him I wasn't her punching bag and that's unacceptable so when she gets old I hope he's fully prepared to take care of her because I will not be doing it. AT ALL. He said I was so wrong about this because it's my mother. And I just eventually hung up.
So back to last night. He asked me to go get her. I said you want me to get my 2 year old son out the bed and drive 35 minutes at night to go pick up mama. He said oh you can find a way to go anywhere else you want to go. (Um you do too so you can find a way to go get mama.) But I replied tried to justify. I said, when I go places, I have someone else to drive me and even then I still don't drive at night. I don't drive very well and I don't feel comfortable getting me and my son out that late. He had some other rebuttal. I said why can't you ask your wife to go then. He said she was at work. I said well I'm going to sleep to get ready for work. I sent him mama's flight information since he said he didn't know it and I went to bed. He ended up picking up my mama. I feel like if I would have said sure like back in the day he would have happily let me do it. NO. You should protect your sister. And if you don't I'll protect myself.
Can someone help me learn how to to turn it off and make my reasons more straight to the point. I really need to read No is a complete answer. I did this same thing in some text messages I posted the other day. I don't think quick enough and tend to go back and forth with people.
Rewind a little bit....A few months ago my mother made the comment she didn't give a flying flip about my son. She said if I died she would send him to foster care and nobody loves him. This was coupled with your ex-husband doesn't even love you. That was a boundary I feel she shouldn't have crossed. I told her it was wrong and after that I called my brother and told him the situation. He said, You know she didn't really mean that. I told him I wasn't her punching bag and that's unacceptable so when she gets old I hope he's fully prepared to take care of her because I will not be doing it. AT ALL. He said I was so wrong about this because it's my mother. And I just eventually hung up.
So back to last night. He asked me to go get her. I said you want me to get my 2 year old son out the bed and drive 35 minutes at night to go pick up mama. He said oh you can find a way to go anywhere else you want to go. (Um you do too so you can find a way to go get mama.) But I replied tried to justify. I said, when I go places, I have someone else to drive me and even then I still don't drive at night. I don't drive very well and I don't feel comfortable getting me and my son out that late. He had some other rebuttal. I said why can't you ask your wife to go then. He said she was at work. I said well I'm going to sleep to get ready for work. I sent him mama's flight information since he said he didn't know it and I went to bed. He ended up picking up my mama. I feel like if I would have said sure like back in the day he would have happily let me do it. NO. You should protect your sister. And if you don't I'll protect myself.
Can someone help me learn how to to turn it off and make my reasons more straight to the point. I really need to read No is a complete answer. I did this same thing in some text messages I posted the other day. I don't think quick enough and tend to go back and forth with people.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
This is my new rule as it relates to someone I'm in a relationship with.
RoundEyedGirl504
Well-Known Member
Set the timer on your phone for 3-5 minutes and put it down. Don't respond to anyone until that timer goes off. You are getting caught up in being right. Or ego is tricky it will convince us that somehow we are going to win the other person to our way of thinking by over explaining and going back and forth. Take a break from the exchange and then let your mind and body exhale, lower the shoulders, unclench the teeth, etc. Skip the part about him (he's supposed to protect me!) and go straight to I have to protect myself, because that's the reality and how you need to conduct yourself.
