PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you sooooo much for this. I needed it soooo much!
Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss
- Thread starter hopeful
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
@PrissiSippi
Yes, you definitely have to slow things down. Give yourself time to think through your response, putting yourself and needs first, then decide how you want to respond. And remember that you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Your brother knew he was wrong. He just wanted his way with his spoiled, golden child self.
It’s hard to just say no. It comes off harshly when speaking to family and friends. You will have to find a way to say no that works for you and maintains your femininity and your strength (firmness/resolve). I usually take my time to respond or if they catch me on the phone I will say let me think about it and I’ll call you back/let you know. Then I will either say yes/sure cheerfully or I’ll say I wish I could help, but I can’t, I won’t be able to help you out this time. Then I might say good luck or something and move on. If the person persists with questions etc. I repeat my reply, say the exact same thing, I wish I could help but I can’t.
More persistence and I would say something like I have to go now, someone’s at the door or I have to finish dinner or whatever. You don’t have to explain or justify your no. Those are his hot potatoes and he’s trying to hand them off to his sister. He’s behaving like a spoiled baby but you don’t have to address any of that. Say no nicely and kindly and firmly and stand your ground.
And don’t feel badly when you slip up and go back and forth. That’s you working things out with you, figuring this out for yourself. In the future have that little back and forth talk with yourself, not the other person. You are doing good! I am so proud of you
. You stayed at home, you and your son, warm and safe. Good for you!
Yes, you definitely have to slow things down. Give yourself time to think through your response, putting yourself and needs first, then decide how you want to respond. And remember that you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Your brother knew he was wrong. He just wanted his way with his spoiled, golden child self.
It’s hard to just say no. It comes off harshly when speaking to family and friends. You will have to find a way to say no that works for you and maintains your femininity and your strength (firmness/resolve). I usually take my time to respond or if they catch me on the phone I will say let me think about it and I’ll call you back/let you know. Then I will either say yes/sure cheerfully or I’ll say I wish I could help, but I can’t, I won’t be able to help you out this time. Then I might say good luck or something and move on. If the person persists with questions etc. I repeat my reply, say the exact same thing, I wish I could help but I can’t.
More persistence and I would say something like I have to go now, someone’s at the door or I have to finish dinner or whatever. You don’t have to explain or justify your no. Those are his hot potatoes and he’s trying to hand them off to his sister. He’s behaving like a spoiled baby but you don’t have to address any of that. Say no nicely and kindly and firmly and stand your ground.
And don’t feel badly when you slip up and go back and forth. That’s you working things out with you, figuring this out for yourself. In the future have that little back and forth talk with yourself, not the other person. You are doing good! I am so proud of you
. You stayed at home, you and your son, warm and safe. Good for you!
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
I was real upset about this this morning. My friend pointed out that Priss last year would have gotten out with my son and been resentful about doing it and then trying to justify afterwards like well it wasn’t soooo bad. When I thought about it, she was right. I’m so happy I stayed at home. Baby boy slept all night in HIS bed and I stayed warm. It was 33 degrees yesterday.@PrissiSippi
Yes, you definitely have to slow things down. Give yourself time to think through your response, putting yourself and needs first, then decide how you want to respond. And remember that you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Your brother knew he was wrong. He just wanted his way with his spoiled, golden child self.
It’s hard to just say no. It comes off harshly when speaking to family and friends. You will have to find a way to say no that works for you and maintains your femininity and your strength (firmness/resolve). I usually take my time to respond or if they catch me on the phone I will say let me think about it and I’ll call you back/let you know. Then I will either say yes/sure cheerfully or I’ll say I wish I could help, but I can’t, I won’t be able to help you out this time. Then I might say good luck or something and move on. If the person persists with questions etc. I repeat my reply, say the exact same thing, I wish I could help but I can’t.
More persistence and I would say something like I have to go now, someone’s at the door or I have to finish dinner or whatever. You don’t have to explain or justify your no. Those are his hot potatoes and he’s trying to hand them off to his sister. He’s behaving like a spoiled baby but you don’t have to address any of that. Say no nicely and kindly and firmly and stand your ground.
And don’t feel badly when you slip up and go back and forth. That’s you working things out with you, figuring this out for yourself. In the future have that little back and forth talk with yourself, not the other person. You are doing good! I am so proud of you
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Your friend is right
. You are making good progress. All of us are. 33 degrees? You want me to get out in the dark and cold with my baby to do something you agreed to do for your mama? It’s almost laughable
.Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I love the timer idea! That sounds helpful in reducing being reactive . It would allow a person to have a moment to process the feelings and emotions first. Responding vs Reacting is always best, unless a bear is chasing you! Lol Hey I’m back! Couldn’t stay away! I miss ya’ll! I missed connecting with empowered women, sharing different perspectives on various topics! This board allows me to be just as random as I wanna be! Lol
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caribeandiva
Human being
Keyword: something HE agreed to do with your mom without consulting you first. @PrissiSippi you did the right thing.Your friend is right
caribeandiva
Human being
Yay!! Welcome back!
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
I’m proud of myself. I’m trying out creating some new boundaries for myself. One is not letting people talk to me abusively. I’ve let this dude nickname me midget since high school because I’m so short. I know I know y’all. But the name has been with me sooo long that I just let him keep doing it. Well I told him I don’t like it this week. I haven’t heard from him since but that’s fine.
Texting only one text at a time really works. Men will try to double or triple text to lighten the blow or make light of the situation. Naw son I’m sticking to my guns.
FYI: I already know this is not a high quality guy. He asked to take me to a strip club for a date. Now I wanna go because I’ve never been so I wanna go on someone else’s dime but boy bye.
Texting only one text at a time really works. Men will try to double or triple text to lighten the blow or make light of the situation. Naw son I’m sticking to my guns.
FYI: I already know this is not a high quality guy. He asked to take me to a strip club for a date. Now I wanna go because I’ve never been so I wanna go on someone else’s dime but boy bye.
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3rd Big Chop on 7/18/2016
I remember your font from years ago. Good to see you are back posting!
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I would not go to the strip club with this guy
. I feel certain he will continue to slip up and call you midget again. That is a derogatory term. It’s embarrassing and hurtful for someone to call you that. If I really wanted to go to a strip club I would go with girlfriends. But certainly not with him. You can do what you want of course but those are my thoughts.
caribeandiva
Human being
So this friendship obviously ended back then. She went on to disclose all of the secrets I confided in her about around town to make me look bad. I didn’t confront her. I cut all ties and kept it moving. So tell me why homegirl decides to reach out me through a group she formed on WhatsApp inviting the whole group to her birthday dinner? I ignored her and removed myself from the group. A month later she texts me directly with an ad for food she’s selling. Ignore. Then she sends the same message again a month later. Ignore. A few days ago she took it upon herself to invite me out to dinner. Ignore. Then she calls me multiple times. Ignore.
At this point I was about to block her when my sister texted me to plead ex-friend’s case. Saying ex-friend has been depressed, wants to make things right with me and almost killed herself last night because of depression, she really needs a friend, blah blah blah... I still didn’t reach out to ex-friend. If she’s suicidal she needs a psychiatrist, not me. What ex-friend doesn’t know is that I’ve changed. I’m not the same old Caribeandiva who would run to her just because she said she was depressed as I’ve done countless times during our 15 year friendship. The new me isn’t willing to let ANYONE disrupt my peace for any reason. Ex-friend is full of drama and will never change. Her life is very chaotic through her own making. I had to do the same thing a couple years ago to another long time friend who went crying to my sister when I ignored her attempts at reconciliation too. She too was full of chaos, drama, and self-induced misery. I don’t have time for that mess anymore.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
One of the laws of power is to stay away from the unlucky and unhappy. It’s not your job to be her counselor. Focus your energy on you and protect your peace
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
@caribeandiva
That girl sounds like a straight up narc!
That girl sounds like a straight up narc!
Sosoothing
Well-Known Member
She was lucky to have had you as a friend. She has some nerve calling you lousy for not giving her money. That fiancee of hers is the lousy one for not being able to give her money to visit him.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Right! Some nerve indeed!
caribeandiva
Human being
I learned that lesson the hard way. That was our dynamic throughout the entire friendship: she’d get in trouble and I’d come rescue her. I had a need to be needed. So I befriended toxic people like her. I surrounded myself with them. That way their drama would distract me from what I needed to fix in my own life. Once I got healthy NOT ONE of those friendships survived. Not a single one.Totally. Perpetual victim. Nothing’s ever her fault. Constantly needs rescuing. Empty promises. She honestly did me a favor ending that friendship.
Gurllll... they’s married now. What really pissed me off when I told her no is that she told me: well John (a mutual friend I was dating at the time) would give it to me? I said: “well then go ask him!! I’m not him!” John and I broke up soon after that anyway.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
My progress over the last two weeks.
I'm making strides making some boundaries in my life and it feels soooo good.
- One of my coworkers tried to talk to me. He called my phone and told me he didn't want to date me. He just got out of a divorce and he's just looking for some sexual tenderness. I told him no thanks. He said he hopes I make an exception to the rule for him. I said, "I won't" and cut off the communication. He has backed off. He still speaks but he stopped flirting.
- One of my friends asked me to write a ten page paper for her. I corrected the first article and showed her HOW to correct it. She expected me to do the other articles. She texted me each day talking bout can she come over for me to "help" her. I had to ask @PeaceLover to write the text out for me. I almost threw up sending it. In fact I completely just copy and pasted what she told me to say and sent it so quickly and turned off my phone for about 2 hours because I had soooo much anxiety. BUT I sent it. She told me to say, "I'm sorry hon, I don't have the time to do your paper. I can refer you to other people that have reasonable prices". It worked. She said she would figure it out and I'm not overinvesting myself.
- One of my college friends asked could she borrow my car. I told her I couldn't do that. That was a huge commitment and that would make me uncomfortable.
I'm making strides making some boundaries in my life and it feels soooo good.
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
hopeful
Well-Known Member
.
caribeandiva
Human being
Gurl you’re a freaking rock star!!! Keep up the good work!! It gets easier I promise.
I had a friend who wanted me to “help” her write papers too. She acted just like your friend. After I got Boundaries I shut that down real quick. A coworker asked me to help her with her son’s French homework as a one time favor since I’m fluent. I agreed and basically ended up doing the whole damn thing. I felt bad since that’s basically helping the kid cheat. Then the following week she sheepishly asked me for “help” again. I looked at her like she was crazy and said hell no. Learned that lesson fast.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
So trifling.
She wanted to use you but was also cheating her son out of learning how to do his own work. Smh.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
Yeeees! He will never learn French that way!!
Ms. Tarabotti
Well-Known Member
Say what? He actually fixed his mouth to ask a coworker to give him 'sexual tenderness' although he didn't want to date them? Had the nerve to think that he was so fine an exception should be made for him? You handled that better than I would have.
Ms. Tarabotti
Well-Known Member
I am so proud of all you LHCF women learning to create boundaries for yourself and creating peace in your lives. It's an ongoing process but so worth it.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
These men will say anything *rolls eyes*. He said he figures we were the same since we were in the same situation.Say what? He actually fixed his mouth to ask a coworker to give him 'sexual tenderness' although he didn't want to date them? Had the nerve to think that he was so fine an exception should be made for him? You handled that better than I would have.
NaturalEnigma
Well-Known Member
I just realized I need to start setting boundaries with my brother and mother. They are always calling me, sometimes 3-4 times a week, and they want to talk for hours. They are both toxic. My brother is always losing his job, because of his arrogance, attitude and unwillingness to listen to higher authority, my mother is just a negative Nancy she just loves gossiping and talking badly about people becuase it makes her feel better about herself.
My brother doesn’t listen to the advice I give him about work and he starts yelling and throwing insults when you don’t agree with him. He also talks over you and makes it hard to get a word in. Then several days later he acts super nice. I’m starting to notice his game. I’m tired of encouraging his toxic behavior by not saying anything and getting chewed out when I do.
He and my mom love to play the victim. My brother always has problems if it’s not his job it’s his relationship. They are both so angry all the time and I’m noticing I’ve been angry lately. I think their energy is rubbing off on me. I feel like I’m responsible for their happiness and their success in life but I really shouldn’t be.
My mom guilts me when I don’t pick up the phone. I feel bad because she doesn’t have any friends and no one really likes her becuase she’s so judgemental. I have another sister but she NEVER picks up the phone, so they know not to bother her.
I’m trying to work on myself and become a more positive, loving, and healthy person but it’s hard when I’m surrounded by so much negativity. I also need to make friends with people that are healthy and whole. I feel like I have a codependent relationship with my brother and mother becuase I always go to them for advice. But I’m starting to realize 9 times out of 10 I know the answer I just need someone to validate it for me. (Sigh) I think I’m going to limit the calls to once a week. If they need something specifically from me they can text me.
My brother doesn’t listen to the advice I give him about work and he starts yelling and throwing insults when you don’t agree with him. He also talks over you and makes it hard to get a word in. Then several days later he acts super nice. I’m starting to notice his game. I’m tired of encouraging his toxic behavior by not saying anything and getting chewed out when I do.
He and my mom love to play the victim. My brother always has problems if it’s not his job it’s his relationship. They are both so angry all the time and I’m noticing I’ve been angry lately. I think their energy is rubbing off on me. I feel like I’m responsible for their happiness and their success in life but I really shouldn’t be.
My mom guilts me when I don’t pick up the phone. I feel bad because she doesn’t have any friends and no one really likes her becuase she’s so judgemental. I have another sister but she NEVER picks up the phone, so they know not to bother her.
I’m trying to work on myself and become a more positive, loving, and healthy person but it’s hard when I’m surrounded by so much negativity. I also need to make friends with people that are healthy and whole. I feel like I have a codependent relationship with my brother and mother becuase I always go to them for advice. But I’m starting to realize 9 times out of 10 I know the answer I just need someone to validate it for me. (Sigh) I think I’m going to limit the calls to once a week. If they need something specifically from me they can text me.
caribeandiva
Human being
Bingo. Time to start setting limits. Follow your sister’s lead and let their calls go unanswered. Ask her to help you out with the guilt trip they will be sure to take you on. Asking toxic people for advice will get you toxic answers and keep you Codependent. You can’t make new friends unless you quit giving the old ones all of your time and energy. A good place to start is to read the book: Codependent no more by Melody Beattie and of course the book Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud. Your mom and brother are not going to change. So you’ll have to.
NaturalEnigma
Well-Known Member
Thanks! I was thinking of asking my sister on how she handles it. Yeah, you’re right. Although they’ve offered me good advice in the past, lately I haven’t been feeling like that’s the case anymore. They seem to disregard my feelings and interests for their own. I need to start going out more to places I enjoy to meet people and reconnect with friends I felt were healthy.
caribeandiva
Human being
I have a new coworker who always has some kind of drama going on. She doesn’t seem to realize that she’s the cause of it. It’s really interesting to watch. She’s in her early 50s, divorced with a grown child out of state. I’m friendly so I’m always talking to her. Since I’ve known her for the past few months she has:
-missed 2 days of work because she was hospitalized for exhaustion
-missed more days of work a couple of weeks later because her dad had a heart attack
-reconnected with an old boyfriend and moved in with him after one date. He’s still dealing with ex-wife and grown kids drama from his own divorce.
-been in a car accident (she’s fine thank goodness). The car was totaled. She couldn’t get a rental because her car was under her guy friend’s name and she wasn’t on the insurance as a permanent driver. She has terrible credit so that’s why her name wasn’t on there.
-called her dad to get her a rental car since he has a credit card and she doesn’t (bad credit remember?). I told her she could use a debit card to get her own rental but she said she didn’t have the money.
I’m not judging her. It’s fascinating for me to watch this. I know I’ve grown because I don’t feel the need to jump in and rescue her. I pray that she connects the dots eventually and realizes that she’s the source of her own misery.
-missed 2 days of work because she was hospitalized for exhaustion
-missed more days of work a couple of weeks later because her dad had a heart attack
-reconnected with an old boyfriend and moved in with him after one date. He’s still dealing with ex-wife and grown kids drama from his own divorce.
-been in a car accident (she’s fine thank goodness). The car was totaled. She couldn’t get a rental because her car was under her guy friend’s name and she wasn’t on the insurance as a permanent driver. She has terrible credit so that’s why her name wasn’t on there.
-called her dad to get her a rental car since he has a credit card and she doesn’t (bad credit remember?). I told her she could use a debit card to get her own rental but she said she didn’t have the money.
I’m not judging her. It’s fascinating for me to watch this. I know I’ve grown because I don’t feel the need to jump in and rescue her. I pray that she connects the dots eventually and realizes that she’s the source of her own misery.
caribeandiva
Human being
If you’re open to it there are tons of free support groups you can join. Google CODA meetings in your area to find them.
