Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss

[caribeandiva]

Really good video re boundaries:

I finally watched this video. Good stuff! The biggest lesson I’m learning about boundaries lately is to stop being a fixer and smooth over everything once I set my boundaries. It simply doesn’t work. Set the limit and let it go. Someone else’s anger can’t hurt me. They’ll be ok.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I finally watched this video. Good stuff! The biggest lesson I’m learning about boundaries lately is to stop being a fixer and smooth over everything once I set my boundaries. It simply doesn’t work. Set the limit and let it go. Someone else’s anger can’t hurt me. They’ll be ok.

Such a great point. It took me a while to be okay with other people being upset about my boundaries. I would somehow feel responsible or guilty for how they felt. Once I stopped owning anyone's feelings and attitudes but my own, setting boundaries became effortless. This is tied to codependent patterns and people pleasing too. If you truly feel good about yourself and you trust your ability to do what's right and take care of yourself, you don't have to overthink the boundaries or let someone's discontent have you second guessing yourself.

Also, I've been guilty of treating some of my decisions as irreversible/life or death. There have been times when I realized after the fact that I was too zealous with a boundary, and I softened it. Simple. Most interpersonal "mistakes" we're afraid of making are things that can be resolved if we're in a healthy place.

As @hopeful reminds us, feeling safe is a necessity, not a luxury, and it's okay to find our way to that, even if it's messy.

 

[caribeandiva]

Also, I've been guilty of treating some of my decisions as irreversible/life or death. There have been times when I realized after the fact that I was too zealous with a boundary, and I softened it. Simple. Most interpersonal "mistakes" we're afraid of making are things that can be resolved if we're in a healthy place

That’s the part where I second guess myself. Especially in situations I’ve never encountered before. Boundaries are meant to be adjustable according to my needs. Good thing I’m not afraid to apologize if I’m in the wrong. I’m sure I’ll get better as time goes by.

 

[PrissiSippi]

@PrissiSippi
None of those things sound like compliments to me. They sound like insults or like they come from someone who doesn’t like you or is jealous of you and wants to hurt you. I would limit contact or cut off depending on who they were. You don’t deserve to be talked to like that and it’s not your job to explain to someone that talking that way is hurtful. I’m sad that you have people close to you who have so little regard for your feelings.

And it is my whole Daddy ugh!! Ima limit my contact more. I already cut it but ima Cut it some more. No more than 20 minutes in their presence or 10 minutes on the phone

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Let me shuffle on in here. I have a lot of entitled family I'm dealing with after my mother's passing. I set the boundary that I would no longer discuss her estate. I just have to not go back on my words which is hard.

 

[hopeful]

And it doesn’t my whole Daddy ugh!! Ima limit my contact more. I already cut it but ima Cut it some more. No more than 20 minutes in their presence or 10 minutes on the phone

What does the bolded mean?

 

[PrissiSippi]

What does the bolded mean?

Ooh this auto correct has been giving me the blues lately. I edited. It’s just he has been giving me such a hard time.

 

[LdyKamz]

I just bought Codependent No More. I know it was recommended a few times in this thread. Hopefully it can shed some light on a few things.

 

[acapnleo]

Enforcing boundaries can be tough if and when they were not taught or properly taught

Trying to undo or redo is also challenging... and when folks have differing boundaries within a relationship is also something I believe I am struggling with.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Let me shuffle on in here. I have a lot of entitled family I'm dealing with after my mother's passing. I set the boundary that I would no longer discuss her estate. I just have to not go back on my words which is hard.

I messed up over the weekend. I was frustrated and vented. Ugh. Now I have to reset.

 

[hopeful]

Enforcing boundaries can be tough if and when they were not taught or properly taught

Trying to undo or redo is also challenging... and when folks have differing boundaries within a relationship is also something I believe I am struggling with.

Keep it at. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And it’s perfectly fine for people to have differing boundaries. Just let them be. Find people, organizations, etc. that are in alignment with you.

 

[hopeful]

I messed up over the weekend. I was frustrated and vented. Ugh. Now I have to reset.

It’s ok .

 

[Evolving78]

@hopeful
I stumbled upon the audiobook of Codependence No More. You recommended that right? I have been reading so many books from the library! Is this a good book to fall asleep to? I listen to certain things at night, and at times I have angry dreams about a certain person, and then I will wake up mad. Lol it like my subconscious is fighting hearing things that could be helpful, or will get me to relax. If I could I would go to a hypnotist.

 

[hopeful]

@hopeful
I stumbled upon the audiobook of Codependence No More. You recommended that right? I have been reading so many books from the library! Is this a good book to fall asleep to? I listen to certain things at night, and at times I have angry dreams about a certain person, and then I will wake up mad. Lol it like my subconscious is fighting hearing things that could be helpful, or will get me to relax. If I could I would go to a hypnotist.

I think someone else initially recommended it but yes I recommend it too and a lot. It is a life changing book. It will open your eyes to a lot, will help wake you up. I think it would be great to fall asleep to.

 

[phynestone]

Looks like you’re taking pride in your appearance. Finally.

Oh I see you’re cooking now. Too bad you don’t even have anyone to cook for.

Yeah you probably don’t know what to do with your life you’ve always been in school.

@hopeful or anyone that’s kinda familiar with This @caribeandiva ?

Is the boundary just cut these type of people off. These are back handed compliments. I’m immune to them because I’m used to them from my dad. SO the problem is I don’t know what to do when they happen. I used to lash out and curse my parents out. They over the years painted me as the crazy chick who doesn’t have ave anybody to tact when talking to others. So now I say ok and walk away. BUT the compliments still hurt. What she a proper boundary other than limiting contact? Should you “check” mean people or what? With me I’m not a “checker” sonchecking leads to arguing when it’s someone I love.

This transcends to friends too. I have one I won’t give up the magic to. So he now says back handed comments about my son. He’s otherwise an okay person with me. Cut him off? Check it? Limit contact?

Cut them off. They know exactly what they're doing. And your son? No.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Cut them off. They know exactly what they're doing. And your son? No.

I had a dream about that last night. My Spirit is telling me to cut them off but man I feel like that is punishing me. I’m taking care of my son ALONE. Without their help I’m completely alone. This is going to be super hard. I’m just trying to invite some more peace and consciousness in so I can get strength and clarity.

 

[Evolving78]

I’m listening to the second chapter called detachment. @PrissiSippi
I totally understand how you feel and I’m deal with this myself. Hopefully this chapter will help with encouragement.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Mini update: I have started making moves without needing validation from others. It's helped a lot with the boundary setting. So has the block feature on my phone.

 

[LostInAdream]

Cut them out of your life and carry on. You are the creator of your reality. Stop allowing this to be apart of your story. If it doesn’t lead to your success, wealth and or happiness it needs go.

 

[caribeandiva]

Mini update: I have started making moves without needing validation from others. It's helped a lot with the boundary setting. So has the block feature on my phone.

Awesome!! This is huge!!

 

[Evolving78]

Mini update: I have started making moves without needing validation from others. It's helped a lot with the boundary setting. So has the block feature on my phone.

I love this!

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Thanks, ladies!

I'm working on that DL Hughley "I looked in the mirror and consulted my darn self" attitude. Or rather, I consulted God and don't need anyone else. Also, working on letting go of the "guilt" for having to set boundaries.

 

[caribeandiva]

Thanks, ladies!

I'm working on that DL Hughley "I looked in the mirror and consulted my darn self" attitude. Or rather, I consulted God and don't need anyone else. Also, working on letting go of the "guilt" for having to set boundaries.

Good for you! For me I had to stop asking Google for validation. I used to Google everything before I made a decision. It was ridiculous! I knew I was making progress when I moved on from asking people, to asking Google to now asking my durn self (and God of course). It feels good knowing I can trust myself and my judgment.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Good for you! For me I had to stop asking Google for validation. I used to Google everything before I made a decision. It was ridiculous! I knew I was making progress when I moved on from asking people, to asking Google to now asking my durn self (and God of course). It feels good knowing I can trust myself and my judgment.

Are we twins, lol? But yes, my therapist told me that maybe it just wasn't a muscle I was used to flexing. So I started looking at it as something that required training. I wouldn't magically wake up one day not needing validation (which only invited others into my busines), lol.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I made a boundary and every time I make one I imagine making a line in the sand. You will stay on your side no matter come heck or high water. Lol. Step by step.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

............

 

[PrissiSippi]

Slowly I'm making some boundaries in my life.....

It is soooooo hard being that I haven't had them this whole time.

I will not be yelled at.
I will not be criticized or put down.
I will not pay on dates.
I will not make myself uncomfortable to make you happy.
I will not sleep with you before commitment.
I will not drive if a male is in the car. (haha)
I will not take out my trash if a male is in the vicinity.
I will not talk to people from 9 pm to 8 am because that's my time.
I will always set aside time for me FIRST and people can get the rest of my time after-wards.
I will not tell my business to people that don't need to hear it.
People will not just pop up at my house.
I will not put my life on hold for others.

 

[hopeful]

Sounds good @PrissiSippi. Thanks for keeping us updated.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Sounds good @PrissiSippi. Thanks for keeping us updated.

Thank you Hopeful I'm reading the Boundaries book on Relationships Now

 

[caribeandiva]

I will not make myself uncomfortable to make you happy.

This was the biggest lesson for me to learn. Good for you!