Boundaries ~ Let's Discuss

caribeandiva said:
I know for myself every time that I've let someone trample all over my boundaries I ended up resenting them. What helps me is to ask myself: "Would I rather have that person be mad at me or would I rather be mad at myself later?" I discovered that it's a lot easier to have them be mad at me.
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And the sad thing is they will stay mad only until you allow them to get their way. They don't care about your feelings just getting what they want. If it was about mutual understanding or respect they'd apologize or strive not to continue the offending behavior. That's why I said some people need to stay gone. When people show you who they are believe them. We all train people how to treat us. I learned hard way to be by myself rather than keep habitual line steppers around.
 
Good thoughts ladies!
Besides my relationship boundaries the most difficult boundaries in my life right now is with a nanny I had back home. My mom paid her for her work as I grew up. Then she became the housekeeper. When we moved to the U.S., I guess either my grandmother or mother still sent her money. She lives in my great grandfathers home. She calls for money a few times per year. And recently, for the first time, her daughter called me asking for money! It's a heavy burden for me because they are poor. I struggle with saying no. When the daughter called me, I even went into explaining how my next paycheck is such and such date and that I'll send her money then. But why do I feel obligated to send them money? They don't love me or care for me. The calls are very clear, it's about money. It hurts but I said no....
 
hopeful said:
What I've seen is that the better we get with boundaries the slicker people get. When people want something from you that they know you won't want to do they try to find any way in. That's why firm boundaries are so important. If there is a hole somewhere in your boundary, a loose plank if you will, slick people will find it.
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This is the truth. This is the MO of manipulative people.
 
Fine 4s said:
Good thoughts ladies!
Besides my relationship boundaries the most difficult boundaries in my life right now is with a nanny I had back home. My mom paid her for her work as I grew up. Then she became the housekeeper. When we moved to the U.S., I guess either my grandmother or mother still sent her money. She lives in my great grandfathers home. She calls for money a few times per year. And recently, for the first time, her daughter called me asking for money! It's a heavy burden for me because they are poor. I struggle with saying no. When the daughter called me, I even went into explaining how my next paycheck is such and such date and that I'll send her money then. But why do I feel obligated to send them money? They don't love me or care for me. The calls are very clear, it's about money. It hurts but I said no....
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Wow, that is bold of them. They have no business knowing when your check arrives etc. Are you planning to send them the $ or nah? I couldn't tell from your post because you said that you said no, but also that you'll send $ after you get your paycheck. We will support you in saying no and keeping your money for yourself and those with whom you choose to share your money.
 
hopeful said:
They said that is why it is important to build a support network first so that if a relationship falls apart, you don't feel unloved and alone
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Yes because without the support of healthy people who have your best interest at heart it is really hard to maintain your boundaries. We are wired to connect with others. We can't change that about ourselves. Having a healthy support network is crucial because you don't have to put up with bad treatment because you're afraid to lose that bad relationship. A bad relationship is better than no relationships at all right?

Another reason to have a good support system is so they can undo the brainwashing you've accepted as truth. They will help you see what happened in a new light and how to break the pattern. They will be your lifeline. :yep: Especially when your old toxic loved one tries to tell you you're crazy or tries to blame you for something that is not your fault.
 
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hopeful said:
Ok good. Stand strong. They have no right to your money.
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@Fine 4s I second that. I understand that they are poor and need help. This is a really difficult situation to be in. Don't give them the shirt off your back while you freeze to death. That's not love. That's guilt. Btw are you Haitian? :sekret: Sounds like something my people would do. I swear this situation happens to me so much that I dread calls and texts from back home. A couple even asked me for $ on Facebook! I say no a lot now though. Must be why the calls have stopped.
 
A lot of the advice I got about learning to enforce my boundaries was framed as an adversarial thing. Like, ‘yes, it might upset and disappoint the people around you, but you have to learn to tell them ‘no’ anyway.’ At best, ‘good people will still like you if you enforce your boundaries’.

What I wish I’d been told is that good people will think it’s awesome that you enforce your boundaries, that there are people who will respect the hell out of you for it, that there are people who will admire you not despite you telling them no, but because of it. That most people don’t want to make you do something you don’t enjoy,and so they’ll actively be happier and more relaxed around you if they know they can trust you to decline to do things you don’t enjoy and to ask them to stop things that bother you.

It helped me a lot, personally, to stop thinking of ‘enforcing my boundaries’ as something I did for me and more as something I did to empower the people I was close with, to build a situation where they and I felt sure everything that was going on was something we all wanted.

Most advice isn’t good for everyone and this advice seems maybe bad for people in abusive situations, because sometimes you do need to learn to enforce boundaries against people who will try to violate them. But if there are other brains like me out there: your partner will be really happy you can say no to them. your friend will be really happy you change the subject when you hate it. your roommate will really appreciate that you tell them to turn down the music. most people will feel safer and more comfortable around you if they know you’ll reliably express your needs, AND they’ll feel better about voicing theirs.
 
hopeful said:
One point that I found enlightening was that "Creating boundaries involves a support network" and that "Attachment is the foundation of the soul's existence." The authors say that one of the reasons it is so hard to set boundaries and follow through on consequences is because it hurts so much to not feel loved and supported. They said that is why it is important to build a support network first so that if a relationship falls apart, you don't feel unloved and alone.
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I learned about boundaries many years ago, in college, while being away from my family. I was able to identify the toxic relationships within my family. The support system of college friends (mostly upperclassmen & guys) was priceless. I still have those relationships today. I developed self esteem and it changed my life forever. Beware of the pack/clique behavior especially from your family when you try to break free. I was then able to transfer it into my romantic relationships. I am a much happier, easy going, stress-free person because of it.

Also, I have observed that truly supportive, loving, and genuine people are not looking for anything in return.
 
I am really loving these boundary books. In the Queen's Code the author discussed the importance of boundaries but she does not go into great detail about what that means. I am so grateful to @caribeandiva for recommending these books. Like the Queen's Code, they are life-changing as well. I have the Boundaries and the Boundaries in Marriage books.

The following article gives a good explanation of why boundaries are so important for relationships and how having them in place helps create both freedom and security for a couple.

http://verilymag.com/2015/11/intent...ouples-therapy-marriage-counseling-boundaries
 
That article was really awesome! I do need to have the boundaries talk with SO when he gets home from the military. I love us been on the same page about what we are allowed to discuss with others about our relationship.
 
I had a boundary situation come up last night. One of my long time friends texted me asking to borrow money. She knows how I feel about lending $ to people. Neither a borrower or lender be. She said that she was ashamed to even ask me but she needs $ to pay for her plane ticket to go see her fiancée. She then said that she sent all of her $ to her siblings instead. I tried to tell her that it was normal to feel shame in that situation and that I'd feel like that too if I were in her shoes. She got mad at me and basically called me a lousy friend. Oh well.
 
Good for you Caribeandiva. So she had no boundaries with her siblings and now you are supposed to let her cross your boundaries? She let herself and her fiancé down. Plus, we've discussed this on here before, how weird it is to give money to a friend who has an SO. Welp the books say that people will either mature and accept your boundaries or they will leave. The books also say that anger is usually the first and likely response. Hopefully she will call back, apologize, and want to stay friends. If not, oh well.
 
I read this book years ago as a recommendation from someone on Dave Ramsey's financial forum. It's one of the best books I've ever read.

I was thinking about this book yesterday. I love my parents, but they have no consideration when it comes to my home and time. They were supposed to come over at 6 PM yesterday. It was 7:15 PM and they finally call to say they are in traffic. They got to our home at almost 7:45 PM. They come in with a suitcase. I don't say anything and we go about doing what we planned to do. Then I say, "why do y'all have a suitcase?" My mom says, "well, it was getting late, so we planned to spend the night." No ma'am. It was getting late because you went home to pack at suitcase without consulting me rather than get to my home at 6 like we planned. You were close to 2 hours late and my daughter goes to sleep at 8:30. So, nope, you can't stay. I kindly told her that we hadn't prepared for them to stay. So, they went home around 9:30.

I know they are my parents, but my home has to have peace and order. When I gave birth to DD and came home, my parents would come by whenever they wanted without calling. I told DH to not answer the door, but he kept doing it. He taught them that this was ok. So, I'm trying to break this habit.
 
caribeandiva said:
I had a boundary situation come up last night. One of my long time friends texted me asking to borrow money. She knows how I feel about lending $ to people. Neither a borrower or lender be. She said that she was ashamed to even ask me but she needs $ to pay for her plane ticket to go see her fiancée. She then said that she sent all of her $ to her siblings instead. I tried to tell her that it was normal to feel shame in that situation and that I'd feel like that too if I were in her shoes. She got mad at me and basically called me a lousy friend. Oh well.
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:clapping:

She was not expecting that answer to her sob story. I'm crying with laughter here. Stand strong!!:violin:
 
Ahem.....clears throat. What shall follow is pure TomFluckery!!!!

I have a friend that called me on Christmas Eve. She needs some place to stay. She is moving out of her apartment (I didn't ask why). One of her boyfriends [sponsors] repossessed the car he let her drive because she wouldn't go see him (2 states away). The other friend [sponsor] lives in CA, he pays her cellphone bill and has been for years. She wants to stay with me because I live near another male friend [read that as potential sponsor]. She states she can only pay $450 max but wants to live in my 3br/1ba basement.

It took all the Christianity/Unitarian spirit in me to NOT remind her that not only am I not Flucking her, I also am not a damn sponsor; and that she must have me twisted. But I did jokingly ask her if she doing nose candy before I got off the phone.
After I hung up, I walked by the mirror and could'a sworn this was my reflection:
th

I have a soft spot in my heart (boundary) that now has a moat around it; if ya'll remember I removed a leech from my home in February.In the past I've found her escapades entertaining and sometimes funny, but she CANNOT bring that sh!t to my residence.

Now, this is a 50+ Thirsty-twitch that brags about having $800 perfumes, says that Victoria Secrets drawers is beneath "her" standards [shared this during the above convo] ....YET she can neither afford to pay for her own toilet to piss in nor for a phone to order food. Working at a high-end retail place (selling sh#t she can't afford), while surviving on OPM and begging for treats.

Okay....I think this was more of a vent :rolleyes:than a boundary issue....
 
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@Ivonnovi
It is a boundary issue :yep:. You just have it under control. It was an opportunity for you to confirm that you got the lesson. You kicked someone out last February and new person shows up just in time to insure you don't get a full year of satisfaction and pride. But you were not having, no m'am, not letting this friend invade your space or cross your boundaries. Thank you for venting and sharing. Good for you. Slow clap. This is a great way to go into the new year. Well done.
 
These are good stories to help us stay on track. My homebody just lent someone 30k and immediately felt uncomfortable about it and called me to ask me my thoughts. What the money was needed for wasn't even clear nor did it involve life, death, hospital or surgery...or dead babies. I told him what I thought and that's that. Do you know what he said? That he hopes not lending him the money (asking him to not cash the check given) won't get in the way of their friendship. Whaaaaaa?
See, we all struggle with saying no, no matter how foolish. I hope he listened.
 
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