Are you more successful than your SO?

[BeautifulFlower]

Hey ladies....


Is anyone more career-wise sucessful than their mate (SO or husband)? If so how do you handle it and how does he handle it?
Do you all have careers in two areas? You being a white-collar worker and him a blue-collar worker? Does he get jealous at all?

I dont currently make more than him but I can be sure I will in the future possibly and I guess I always imagined my husband being more successful. Maybe its shallow....if it is, be honest with me.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[metro_qt]

Makes perfect sense to me,
i'm not currently with anyone, but in my opinion, i wouldn't be able to look at the man properly... with due respect if i made more than him.

We as women.. and as black women at that, have so many career obstacles presented to us, that the Male or Black male does not...
Including gender Glass ceiling, and the 'pregnancy fact' (them assuming that once they hire you, you're going to go, get pregnant, and leave.... so why even bother hiring a woman?)

So men have the potential to make so much more than women, because of these perceived barriers...
So... for a man to make less than me, under all of these conditions? I wouldn't be able to look at him straight.

I know. a little faulty logic on my part because i'm not considering a man's personal circumstances, but.. i keeps it real.

 

[NappiShawti]

not a shallow question...completely relevant & understandable

i dont currently have a SO but my most recent ex bf was "less successful" than me i guess. i met him while i was in college & he was a local...we ended up dating for about 2 yrs. & we are still great friends & talk from time 2 time.

anyway- he dropped out of high school @ age 15 & i have a bachelor's now so we r pretty uneven on the education level, i work in a school & he currently is a truck driver (our salaries are prolly not that diff now b/c we are both just starting out in our fields), i'm in a sorority & he is a (former?) gang-affiliated member . basically we are VERY diff ppl & come from diff backgrounds but this was my 1st true love & he treated me like a lady. moreso than some of these other so-called 'well-to-do'' brothas.

basically, i guess it doesnt matter if u DATE someone "less successful" than u but i honestly wouldn't MARRY someone like that. if u r just havin fun & not trying to commit then i say go for it but ppl who are unequally yoked? (better word??) will prolly end up fighting over little things that u wouldnt fight over ($$$$$) if u were on more equal levels.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I think it's normal throughout the course of any long term relationship for success to see-saw from partner to partner. He might start out making more than you, but in time you could be making more than him, and so on. I've always told myself that it didn't matter if he made less than me, but he needs to make enough to take care of the household. If he's a blue-collar worker, what he lacks in salary he should make up for in other areas. For example, If he's a skilled-worker he should be working on going into business for himself.

However, I get where you are coming from. Men are expected to be more successful than women, and sometimes a man can start to feel less than when his woman rises above him. Many couples have to deal with issues such as jealousy as a result. Has your husband looked into starting his own business?

 

[Bulletproof]

Makes perfect sense to me,
i'm not currently with anyone, but in my opinion, i wouldn't be able to look at the man properly... with due respect if i made more than him.

We as women.. and as black women at that, have so many career obstacles presented to us, that the Male or Black male does not...
Including gender Glass ceiling, and the 'pregnancy fact' (them assuming that once they hire you, you're going to go, get pregnant, and leave.... so why even bother hiring a woman?)

So men have the potential to make so much more than women, because of these perceived barriers...
So... for a man to make less than me, under all of these conditions? I wouldn't be able to look at him straight.

I know. a little faulty logic on my part because i'm not considering a man's personal circumstances, but.. i keeps it real.

Really? Because in HR in NYC or any big city or company a black woman is the diversity/minority/ winning powerball ticket.

A black male actually has more obstacles to overcome. His first making sure he is the all important "Non-threatening black guy" and that is just about his looks and body type no involvement of his demeanor, mannerisms or personality at all.

A black woman walks in to interview and is clean and well spoken, does not have think about that. Wasn't there even an article this week in the NYT about black unemployment rates which was mistitled and really should have been labeled black male unemployment rates?

Also for further reference you can look at the numbers of black Ivy males and see how many are unemployed as well as underemployed and how the Ivy network somehow does not work as well for them but that very same network works out way better for black Ivy women. Going Ivy is about the network and making connections for future reference. These numbers show these men do not reap the benefits as much.

 

[lux10023]

when choosing my mate i wanted to be upgraded and mr.perfect28 fit the bill---he pulls in way more money than me--
granted anything can happen and either one of us could lose our jobs/businesses--esp in this economic climate-
i dont sleep on blue collar men either--their benefits do up the ante for them

 

[Bunny77]

Really? Because in HR in NYC or any big city or company a black woman is the diversity/minority/ winning powerball ticket.

A black male actually has more obstacles to overcome. His first making sure he is the all important "Non-threatening black guy" and that is just about his looks and body type no involvement of his demeanor, mannerisms or personality at all.

A black woman walks in to interview and is clean and well spoken, does not have think about that. Wasn't there even an article this week in the NYT about black unemployment rates which was mistitled and really should have been labeled black male unemployment rates?

Also for further reference you can look at the numbers of black Ivy males and see how many are unemployed as well as underemployed and how the Ivy network somehow does not work as well for them but that very same network works out way better for black Ivy women. Going Ivy is about the network and making connections for future reference. These numbers show these men do not reap the benefits as much.

Yeah, but on average, men make more money than women. BM make more money than BW.

Everyone isn't a high-powered laywer/banker/etc. A BM doing blue-collar labor will make more than a BW who's a medical assistant, for example.

And then, BW may get hired at high-level jobs, but how many of them move up the corporate ladder as quickly? More BM own businesses than BW and of the black people who do get their feet in the door, more BM are in management positions than BW.

(There was a study that indicated all of this, but I can't find it right now.)

Sexism and the glass ceiling is real. BW "might" have an initial edge, but they find out very quickly that their glass ceiling is quite low...

 

[pisceschica]

Although I would prefer a future spouse to make more money than me its not a huge issue especially if it does not bother him.

The only thing that I ask is that he has a career with upward mobility and that he is striving everyday to be in a better position than he was the day before. In certain situations you may just end up out earning him because of the field. I don't want something like this significantly lowering potential pool of suitors (especially black suitors) because he doesn't make more than me.

 

[Taleah2009]

Although I would prefer a future spouse to make more money than me its not a huge issue especially if it does not bother him.

The only thing that I ask is that he has a career with upward mobility and that he is striving everyday to be in a better position than he was the day before. In certain situations you may just end up out earning him because of the field. I don't want something like this significantly lowering potential pool of suitors (especially black suitors) because he doesn't make more than me.

I totally agree with you. Especially if the BW is in corporate america. It is way easier to find a BW with a college degree than there is BM with a college degree. So even if my future SO is a garbarge truck driver, as long as he is providing for his family and his household, I would not count him out, as long as he doesnt have a problem with it.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thanks ladies. You've all made really good points.

My SO has been doing alot of research to move into a different career or start a business. He's very focused about this right now. I dont know why I worry but I do. He is currently a skilled-worker but he is very educated. BS in Engineering, MBA, and Project Management certification but his current job pays him well so he's been there a few years. He's never cheap with me, has a rental property, takes care of his momma, and takes good care of himself. Now he's tired and wants to step his game up. I do worry about out earning him honestly and I probably shouldnt because I know he'll work hard to make things happen for him (and me for that matter).

However, I would agree that BM have a very difficult time in CA. If they can manage to not present themselves as threathening or lazy, then they are good. However, BM are not nearly given as much encouragement and support as BW does. That right there is very self-defeating for many BM. Alot of times that are all alone climbing that ladder. BW have obstacles as well...many obstacles....but we more often than not receive more encouragement and support than BM receive. Thats just my observation being in CA myself.

 

[metro_qt]

What you speak of might be in the NYC...
i'm talking world wide here...

*i* don't even live in the NYC... so I can't relate.

"or any big city " ... Nope... need facts to substantiate this, because right now, I know a couple of women in my big city that have been turned down from jobs or are scared to leave their job because they are pregnant.
Illegal? Yes, Can they do anything about it? No.


BTW big cities?

LAGOS, Nigeria... a 'big city'
2006 National Census credited the metropolitan area with a population figure of 7,937,932,

New York City
The city's 2008 estimated population exceeds 8.3 million people,

Similar population densities... do you really think being a "black woman is the diversity/minority winning powerball ticket"... in Lagos?

Food for Thought.

Really? Because in HR in NYC or any big city or company a black woman is the diversity/minority/ winning powerball ticket.

A black male actually has more obstacles to overcome. His first making sure he is the all important "Non-threatening black guy" and that is just about his looks and body type no involvement of his demeanor, mannerisms or personality at all.

A black woman walks in to interview and is clean and well spoken, does not have think about that. Wasn't there even an article this week in the NYT about black unemployment rates which was mistitled and really should have been labeled black male unemployment rates?

Also for further reference you can look at the numbers of black Ivy males and see how many are unemployed as well as underemployed and how the Ivy network somehow does not work as well for them but that very same network works out way better for black Ivy women. Going Ivy is about the network and making connections for future reference. These numbers show these men do not reap the benefits as much.

 

[aribell]

I expected to come in here and say that I don't care, but I do. I would expect someone to be equally as successful as I am. Doesn't have to be more, though it's preferable because men have ego issues and him being more successful would probably make him feel more secure. If I'm making greater headway in my respective career than he is in his, then yes, that would probably bother me. It would end up translating to an issue of respect and the unspoken question of: "If I can make it, then why can't you?" I don't think that necessarily equates to a higher salary on his part, though, as a lot of that varies by industry.

 

[Taleah2009]

I really dont think i would resent my SO. I think I more of so would worry about maintaining the life that I am accustomed to (ie, that my parent provided for me), growing up in a single family home, with a two car garage, going to private school, etc. I would want to provide those things to my future children. So if my SO is on a level below me, I feel like those are the things I would worry about it. Because as a man, I truly believe that his income should take care of the household. and What if his income cant afford my two car garage in a nice development

 

[Nayeli]

Wouldn't bother me at all, especially if he is making a very respectable amount. I would be more focused on our combined money-earning potential than anything else.

 

[topsyturvy86]

^^ Yeah, me too. As long as he doesn't mind either. I would preferre him to make more mainly because of him and his feeling of fulfilment in his ability to take care of me/his family, no other reason. As long as he has a respectable job/salary and is driven, i'm all good. On the side, Michelle was earning more that Barack until she quit her job, not so?

 

[inthepink]

I expected to come in here and say that I don't care, but I do. I would expect someone to be equally as successful as I am. Doesn't have to be more, though it's preferable because men have ego issues and him being more successful would probably make him feel more secure. If I'm making greater headway in my respective career than he is in his, then yes, that would probably bother me. It would end up translating to an issue of respect and the unspoken question of: "If I can make it, then why can't you?" I don't think that necessarily equates to a higher salary on his part, though, as a lot of that varies by industry.

I'm with you, Nicola. As much as I'd like to say it doesn't matter, it really does. Mainly because if we choose to have a family one day, I would want him to make enough money to support the family so that we would at least have the choice for me to be a sahm.

This seems even more a concern as I'm getting older.

Another thing I think is that I don't want to be the family "supporter." I feel that men should carry that responsibility. If I'm making more, then I carry that responsibility. Maybe it is old-fashioned and/or shallow but I guess, yes, it is something I think about for potential mates.

 

[Renewed1]

I prefer for the man to make more money. But if that's not the case, he can't make me feel bad because I make more. He would have to move upward and get on my level.

 

[snillohsss]

I make a lot more than my husband. I make a lot more money than most men period. It wasn't always like that. My husband used to make more than me, then I quit to stay home with the kids. I started some things while at home, now I have a career that has me making money in the very high 6 figures each year.

Do I look at my husband differently? Heck no, because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be in this position. If I had to work a 9-5 job, then I might think differently. Who knows?

The way I see it is that Im the breadwinner, but he is still head of household. The roles are clearly defined.

With that said, my husband is beyond brilliant. The plan is not for me to be the breadwinner. He can now comfortably start to build on dreams always had, but wasn't able to do so because he was working, so that I can go back to my role as SAHM. So I consider my breadwinner role "payback". He worked two jobs so that I can stay home with my babies.

For myself, success does not = money. So I don't consider myself more successful than he is, but I do make more money.

 

[inthepink]

I make a lot more than my husband. I make a lot more money than most men period. It wasn't always like that. My husband used to make more than me, then I quit to stay home with the kids. I started some things while at home, now I have a career that has me making money in the very high 6 figures each year.

Do I look at my husband differently? Heck no, because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be in this position. If I had to work a 9-5 job, then I might think differently. Who knows?

The way I see it is that Im the breadwinner, but he is still head of household. The roles are clearly defined.

With that said, my husband is beyond brilliant. The plan is not for me to be the breadwinner. He can now comfortably start to build on dreams always had, but wasn't able to do so because he was working, so that I can go back to my role as SAHM. So I consider my breadwinner role "payback". He worked two jobs so that I can stay home with my babies.

For myself, success does not = money. So I don't consider myself more successful than he is, but I do make more money.

This is a great perspective. Thank you for sharing. Sounds like you and your husband really are a team. I like that.

OT - What is your career?

 

[snillohsss]

This is a great perspective. Thank you for sharing. Sounds like you and your husband really are a team. I like that.

OT - What is your career?

I own my own business.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Honestly, the way the economy is today BW are breadwinners or women for that matter are breadwinners. The men are losing their jobs left and right due to layoffs, downsizing and other factors. More women are being hired into the open positions available. This is a fact. So if your looking for an SO and still single this will be a reality check for alot of women in general.

As far as me personally I don't care if he flips a burger...my whole idea is "do something" and be successful with it, darn it if he wants to be the best burger flipper than I'm with him all the way!
So really yes, I am the breadwinner but I'm more concerned that we are successful as a family 1st.

 

[Theo]

I like what someone said earlier about how success does not equal money. My future hubby does not make more than me, but I have to be able to respect him. Meaning, he must be intelligent, educated, hard-working and faithful, among other things. I would also like for him to be successful in whatever field he works in, but he doesn't have to be making more for me. Even though I would hope he'd be making a lot. I would like to live comfortably.

Barack Obama made much less than Michelle for a large part of their marriage. He was in grassroots politics and she was very well-established in her field. However, does that necessarily mean that he was less successful than Michelle was? I personally don't think so.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thank you so much for this post. I really needed to hear this.

I am soooooo in love with this man so I really need to hear this...

I make a lot more than my husband. I make a lot more money than most men period. It wasn't always like that. My husband used to make more than me, then I quit to stay home with the kids. I started some things while at home, now I have a career that has me making money in the very high 6 figures each year.

Do I look at my husband differently? Heck no, because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be in this position. If I had to work a 9-5 job, then I might think differently. Who knows?

The way I see it is that Im the breadwinner, but he is still head of household. The roles are clearly defined.

With that said, my husband is beyond brilliant. The plan is not for me to be the breadwinner. He can now comfortably start to build on dreams always had, but wasn't able to do so because he was working, so that I can go back to my role as SAHM. So I consider my breadwinner role "payback". He worked two jobs so that I can stay home with my babies.

For myself, success does not = money. So I don't consider myself more successful than he is, but I do make more money.