Anyone date or marry a preacher? I think I'm in love...I ramble a little bit

[Kimberly]

The man that I have been seeing off and on and I have recently gotten rather serious. We've been off and on due to the distance. He's in VA and, at first I was in TN and now I'm in IN.

He does not have his own church. He has not been to seminary. But he is very studious and he feels that he has been called to preach and was invited to preach several times last year by a few different churches where he is (like his mother's church, his sister's church, etc.). I have a feeling this will increase but he said that he doesn't feel that he was called to have his own church. At least, not now. (My aunt's husband just recently started his own church and he's 66 so I guess you go when God tells you to go).

I'm wondering how or if him preaching might change the nature of our relationship. When we first met almost four years ago, he would talk about waiting to have sex until we were married...and that didn't quite work out... I daresay that I was the problem where waiting was concerned although I know that I didn't and couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do.

Now, he is seriously talking about getting married next year. I'm apprehensive because we have mostly only spent time together a weekend at a time 2-3 times per year. Most of our relationship has been over the phone, emails, and IMs. The tentative plan is, when the children go to Memphis to spend the summer with their father, I move to VA. We spend that 2 months together and planning the wedding. BUT I think I would rather get married in late May/early June and then send the children to spend the summer with their father while we honeymooned. That way, we wouldn't just be living together during the summer. We'd be married. And we wouldn't be trying to honeymoon with the children there.

This man is so beautiful to me...inside and out. For almost four years, he's been patient and kind and generous. He's always encouraged me and been supportive of me. And, although I have dated other people during the years of knowing him, after he left in September from our most recent visit, I have just not wanted to be with or even around anyone else. I just want him.

So, the reason I started this post is I am wondering if men change as they get into "the Word" or preaching? I love him and I love him the way he is. Does it take a certain kind of woman to be married to a preacher? Would I be expected to change? I want to be as encouraging and supportive of him as he has always been of me. Does that mean no more stilletos or mini-skirts or low-cut blouses?

edited to clarify...I don't wear the stilletos, mini-skirts, or low-cut bouses all at the same time...that may seem a little skanky...not that anyone who does is skanky...I'm not trying to offend, that just wouldn't be me

TIA, I appreciate any feedback.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I cannot give you advice on this because I am not married nor have dated a man of the cloth. However, I wish you luck with whatever you two decide to do with this relationship.

 

[PaperClip]

Was he a virgin when you all got together? Did you pressure him into a physical relationship? How did you all resolve that aspect of you all's relationship? And now he wants to get married? Wow.... I'm kinda amazed....

I dated a minister before (he said he was a minister). Not for very long. But having been close to a few relationships/marriages involving ministers, what I have observed are the following:
--a minister is still a man just as you are a woman. In any marriage, compatibility is key, both in spiritual and natural matters.
--it is of even greater need to work together on building and protecting the marriage
--a woman who marries a minister/on the way to ministry had better be prepared with regard to having to "share" her husband with ministry work

Most importantly, it is critical that both of you have strong, firm foundations in your spiritual walk and that you are being divinely led and not operating out of the natural/fleshly realm.

There are some women on the forum who are married to ministers and some minister along with their husbands. Maybe you could ask a similar question in the Christian forum (if you are speaking of a Christian minister)

 

[Kimberly]

Thank you, SweetNic! I do believe, whatever happens will be what is meant to happen. I don't believe too much in "accidents".

I cannot give you advice on this because I am not married nor have dated a man of the cloth. However, I wish you luck with whatever you two decide to do with this relationship.

 

[caribgirl]

Like SweetNic, I am not married to a pastor but you should communicate your concerns to him. I'm sure that as a pastor's wife, you are expected to dress "modestly" and act with respectful mannerisms as you will become a role model for each member in your congregation. Have you discussed what he believes is the role of a pastor's wife? What do you believe is the role of one?
Keep us posted amd I am wishing you many blessings!

 

[mscocoface]

Have you two discussed the other aspects of marriage also?

Are you both willing to seek out premarital counseling?

What has been the discussion around your children (his children) with regards to discipline, how they are raised, etc. Do you both want more children?

Do you both understand the dynamics of a blended family and do you have a plan for dealing with all the aspects of a blended family?

What is his credit and finances like, what is your credit and finances like? How do you both handle paying bills? Who will be responsible for paying bills. Have you both seen each others credit reports and bills?

Do either of you own a home or condo now? What will become of it?

Have you both discussed what you would like to accomplish as a couple in the next two years, three years, five years?

Do either of you want to go to or continue college or get some type of certification? If so, when and how will that be managed?

How have your children (his children?) responded to the news of your impending wedding?

If all of this and things of this nature have been discussed and understood betweent the both of you then you have a good foundation you are buidling upon.

Do you both plan to create a mission statement for your family, it is sort of a statement of what your family will be to and for each other as well as to others outside of the family.

Have you met his family? Has he met your family?

Coming from a counseling background these are questions you both should have already addressed or will be addressing with someone in the months to come so that all the cards are on the table and you both are going into the marriage with eyes wide open as well as in love.

I think all of these questions should be asked regardless of his profession or purpose in life.

Preachers can be a little bit different paricularly when they become well known or are asked to be guest speakers quite a bit. I am sure some of the ladies on the forum who have that knowledge first hand can speak about it.

Both my grandfathers were bishops, I have four uncles that are preachers and 5 cousins who are preachers. I have preachers on my ex side of the family and I know more preachers than I can count on both hands and feet.

 

[Kimberly]

Was he a virgin when you all got together? Did you pressure him into a physical relationship? How did you all resolve that aspect of you all's relationship? And now he wants to get married? Wow.... I'm kinda amazed....

He was not a virgin when we met. Actually, he's twice divorced, 43, no kids.

He started saying something about "marriage" soon after we met. He said that there was a "glow" about me, something almost indescribable and that he was just drawn to me. We met while I was on active duty in VA for training at the bowling alley on post. I had some injuries and was not able to get off post passes for the first several weeks. He'd come on post to see me. We would talk on the phone all night sometimes. His support during that time really helped me to get through it. I was homesick, injured, missing my babies. He even went shopping for me and sent me care packages! If it had been up to him, we would have married that summer and I would have never left VA...but that just seemed CRAZY to me!

I don't think I pressured him into a physical relationship but by the time I got to VA, I had not been with anyone in several months and I was just feeling "ready"...physically... He started saying something about waiting and I was like "yeah, that sounds good" and it was cool until I got to get overnight off-post passes. I got to get a hotel room...take baths...shower ALONE...which is a luxury in that military training environment..wear "civilian clothes" and start feeling pretty and sexy and like a woman and not so much like a soldier. So, he came to the hotel room and I was HOT and not wearing BDUs for once and we were finally alone with each other.

So, he's pretty much always talked about getting married since we first met. I saw the distance as an insurmountable obstacle but, moving to IN kind of showed me that I can go anywhere. I didn't have to stay in Memphis or wait for him to come to me. But I think the distance forces us to communicate and know each other on a level deeper than just physical. We have not been distracted by body parts.

 

[PaperClip]

Was he a virgin when you all got together? Did you pressure him into a physical relationship? How did you all resolve that aspect of you all's relationship? And now he wants to get married? Wow.... I'm kinda amazed....

He was not a virgin when we met. Actually, he's twice divorced, 43, no kids.

He started saying something about "marriage" soon after we met. He said that there was a "glow" about me, something almost indescribable and that he was just drawn to me. We met while I was on active duty in VA for training at the bowling alley on post. I had some injuries and was not able to get off post passes for the first several weeks. He'd come on post to see me. We would talk on the phone all night sometimes. His support during that time really helped me to get through it. I was homesick, injured, missing my babies. He even went shopping for me and sent me care packages! If it had been up to him, we would have married that summer and I would have never left VA...but that just seemed CRAZY to me!

I don't think I pressured him into a physical relationship but by the time I got to VA, I had not been with anyone in several months and I was just feeling "ready"...physically... He started saying something about waiting and I was like "yeah, that sounds good" and it was cool until I got to get overnight off-post passes. I got to get a hotel room...take baths...shower ALONE...which is a luxury in that military training environment..wear "civilian clothes" and start feeling pretty and sexy and like a woman and not so much like a soldier. So, he came to the hotel room and I was HOT and not wearing BDUs for once and we were finally alone with each other.

So, he's pretty much always talked about getting married since we first met. I saw the distance as an insurmountable obstacle but, moving to IN kind of showed me that I can go anywhere. I didn't have to stay in Memphis or wait for him to come to me. But I think the distance forces us to communicate and know each other on a level deeper than just physical. We have not been distracted by body parts.

Ok. Hope everything works out for the best.

 

[Kimberly]

Thank you very much for putting so much time into your response to my thread. OKay, here it goes...

Have you two discussed the other aspects of marriage also?

We have discussed a lot of the aspects of marriage. Some things don't come up as topics of conversation until you are faced with them but we have both been trying to pull from past experiences to make sure that everything is laid out on the table before hand.

Are you both willing to seek out premarital counseling?

Yes, we have discussed premarital counseling. I am insisting on it and he says it's fine with him...so, he's not objected to it and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. We've both been married before and neither of us had the benefit of pre-marital counseling. I think we both want to approach this time differently than before...you know, do everything we can to make sure we start on the right foot, eyes wide open, and all of that.

What has been the discussion around your children (his children) with regards to discipline, how they are raised, etc. Do you both want more children?

He is 43 with no children. Some days, he says he's fine with us raising the children from my first marriage together and then, every so often, he'll slip in there something about "our baby"...then, the next thing you know, he says something about getting a vasectomy . I told him, at 35, I'm not really trying to have another baby especially since he had mentioned waiting until we had been married for a couple of years before trying to conceive. My youngest is 6. I'm really not trying to be 50 something with a teenager. He told me that we will have a Christian home and he is very concerned about them going to good schools and their education. We have not discussed discipline.

Do you both understand the dynamics of a blended family and do you have a plan for dealing with all the aspects of a blended family?

He has no children, never had any stepchildren before. I don't think either one of us knows much about the dynamics of a blended family. He says they will be his children, too but I know sometimes that changes if and when they finally get a biological child of their own.

What is his credit and finances like, what is your credit and finances like? How do you both handle paying bills? Who will be responsible for paying bills. Have you both seen each others credit reports and bills?

My credit and finances suck. He seems to be better at those things. I tend to avoid bills and, occasionally, he catches some of mine for me. He'd be responsible for paying the bills.

Do either of you own a home or condo now? What will become of it?

He owns his house. He just bought it last year. A 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath 2-story with a loft and a full basement. He said he bought it with me and the children in mind in hopes of being able to move us to VA in the near future (that's what he told me last year after he bought it). I told him that I wasn't sure about moving into HIS house. That it wouldn't feel like me. He said he wasn't going to decorate or anything because he was waiting for me to come and do that to make it *ours*. This morning, he said something about buying a larger house closer to his job soon but, this time, he wants to make sure we find it together. He mentioned renting out his current house. He believes property and land ownership is one of the keys to wealth.

Have you both discussed what you would like to accomplish as a couple in the next two years, three years, five years?

Do either of you want to go to or continue college or get some type of certification? If so, when and how will that be managed?

I put these two together. I still have to finish my degree and have been going to school full time this past year. He has his BS and mentioned going for his Master's in a year or so but he is studying for a certification that would help him get a salary increase. 2-3 years, there may be a new baby, a new house, grad school for one or both of us. My daughter will start visiting colleges, my middle child will be in middle school and my 6-year old will be in pre-pubescence. Sounds like a lot typing it out. I will ask him in the morning if he plans to attend seminary or some theological school...

How have your children (his children?) responded to the news of your impending wedding?

My 12-year old daughter is the only one that has expressed any kind of feelings either way. She thinks she'll be able to meet Chris Brown if we move to VA. She said that she has a daddy and doesn't need another one. I told her that he wouldn't be her father but I would expect her to respect him as my husband. He seems to be more comfortable with my sons and they seem to like him just fine. My youngest was only 2 when the ex and I broke up and this man is the only one my children have even seen me with since their father.

If all of this and things of this nature have been discussed and understood betweent the both of you then you have a good foundation you are buidling upon.

Do you both plan to create a mission statement for your family, it is sort of a statement of what your family will be to and for each other as well as to others outside of the family.

We have not discussed a mission statement but it sounds like an excellent idea. Maybe it's something we can work on while we are doing pre-marital counseling.

Have you met his family? Has he met your family?

He's met my children and that's the only family I'm concerned about. I have not met his family. My last visit to VA, we were supposed to have gone out to dinner with his parents and I got in from my flight and slept straight through it. I told him he should have woke me up but he said I looked like I needed to sleep. At this rate, we won't meet each others family until the rehearsal dinner...

Coming from a counseling background these are questions you both should have already addressed or will be addressing with someone in the months to come so that all the cards are on the table and you both are going into the marriage with eyes wide open as well as in love.

I think all of these questions should be asked regardless of his profession or purpose in life.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. These were really good questions. Made me think about how much we had addressed and which rocks haven't been turned over yet. Whew!

 

[Theo]

My father is a pastor. To me, it depends on him, his ministry, and your dedication to his ministry. As a wife you would play a big part in it and so would your children. Its not like you'll be able to disengage yourself from his work at anytime. Anything you do will be a reflection on him in people's eyes... you have to have a really thick skin.

Talk to as many people who have experience in this as you can... make sure you know what you're getting into. Your life will change... that's a given. Try talking to someone who didn't grow up in a preacher's home or married into one... they would have a better perspective for your situation. I assume you already know this, but make sure you pray and that you know this is God's will for you life. Many people don't realize that being a preacher's wife is a calling too.

 

[GodsPromises]

My father is a pastor. To me, it depends on him, his ministry, and your dedication to his ministry. As a wife you would play a big part in it and so would your children. Its not like you'll be able to disengage yourself from his work at anytime. Anything you do will be a reflection on him in people's eyes... you have to have a really thick skin.

Talk to as many people who have experience in this as you can... make sure you know what you're getting into. Your life will change... that's a given. Try talking to someone who didn't grow up in a preacher's home or married into one... they would have a better perspective for your situation. I assume you already know this, but make sure you pray and that you know this is God's will for you life. Many people don't realize that being a preacher's wife is a calling too.

You said a mouth full right there. It is a calling. We just don't sit in the pew looking cute with our hats ( even though I look good in my hat ), it is hard work and a blessing. I sen the OP a PM regarding this post.

 

[naijamerican]

Please forgive me, but I noticed that he is twice divorced. Is that something of concern to you? Do you have any notion as to what contributed to the demise of his previous marriages? Don't want to offend, just looking out!

 

[Kimberly]

I'm not very concerned about the first two marraiges. I understand that he was young the first time and it was short-lived. The second one ended 10 and a half years ago. He married and divorced her while he was in the military. Being prior service myself, I saw men getting married just to have someone. When we first met almost 4 years ago, I was more concerned about it but, since getting to know him and falling for him, not so much.

I'd like to add...he really doesn't talk about his ex-wives but what little I know, of course, is only his side of the story. I believe that there are at least two sides to every story where relationships are concerned. But, for that, I just have to trust him.

Please forgive me, but I noticed that he is twice divorced. Is that something of concern to you? Do you have any notion as to what contributed to the demise of his previous marriages? Don't want to offend, just looking out!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

He said that he doesn't think he is going to have his own church right? Well, a pastor is considered a shepherd over a flock and so maybe he is moreso an evangelist, where he can go to different churches to speak, without the responsilbility of a congregation...which may be more flexable for you both.

Being married to a pastor and being one myself, RR is right about being on the same page with one another spiritually.

I hope that you have been praying about this and that the Lord releases you to make your move. It's important to hear from the Lord about this.

Whatever decision you make, I pray that you will have a happy journey...!

Blessings.

 

[Kimberly]

Well, is there a difference between preaching and pastoring?
I said he had been called to preach but I thought evangelist could and did have their own church?

I have been praying on this but more about us being together than about him being a preacher. He is a man first and I fell in love with the man. I guess I'm wondering if I'll see him differently, too.

I was thinking about it earlier today...I don't recall ever looking at any preachers that I have ever known and thought..."that is a sexy man!" and I don't recall ever looking at any of their wives thinking "wow!"... with the exception of my aunt but it's because she is so polished and intelligent and elegant. She is "That Girl" for the over 50 set, I guess.

I think I really was trying to find out what changes I should expect, if any.

Also, I've heard stories of "church ladies" going after ministers, preachers, pastors...is that a real threat or concern. My grandfather is a Methodist minister and has led his own church for decades. His sermons used to be broadcast on the radio and he and my grandmother recorded a few gospel albums, as well. When my grandmother passed away, I heard that the ladies at the church were hot and heavy after him! And he remarried within 3 months of her burial. It caused a lot of problems in the family but my grandmother was the only one on that side I was actually close to so I didn't get caught up in any of the drama.

He said that he doesn't think he is going to have his own church right? Well, a pastor is considered a shepherd over a flock and so maybe he is moreso an evangelist, where he can go to different churches to speak, without the responsilbility of a congregation...which may be more flexable for you both.

Being married to a pastor and being one myself, RR is right about being on the same page with one another spiritually.

I hope that you have been praying about this and that the Lord releases you to make your move. It's important to hear from the Lord about this.

Whatever decision you make, I pray that you will have a happy journey...!

Blessings.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Well, is there a difference between preaching and pastoring? A pastor preaches the Word of God to his/her congregation and also when he/she goes to another church as a guest. A preacher doesn't necessarily have his/her own church but does preach the Word of God still, by either being apart of a church as an elder or travelling to other churches to speak.

I said he had been called to preach but I thought evangelist could and did have their own church? Not necessarily. Mostly evangelists travel the world preaching the Gospel of salvation to large masses of people. ie: Billy Graham, Benny Hinn, Joyce Myers, Jesse Duplantis, etc. Now, sometimes evangelists have a ministry building where they do have services, but usually they have a pastor who pastors the congregation, so that they are free to still travel around the world/country, etc. and they speak there (their ministry) on occasion.

I have been praying on this but more about us being together than about him being a preacher. He is a man first and I fell in love with the man. I guess I'm wondering if I'll see him differently, too. I can understand this...

I was thinking about it earlier today...I don't recall ever looking at any preachers that I have ever known and thought..."that is a sexy man!" and I don't recall ever looking at any of their wives thinking "wow!"... with the exception of my aunt but it's because she is so polished and intelligent and elegant. She is "That Girl" for the over 50 set, I guess.

Also, I've heard stories of "church ladies" going after ministers, preachers, pastors...is that a real threat or concern. Women are a trip...yes, even in the church. I wouldn't make it a concern, but you must be strong because if you both are just dating and aren't married yet, those women feel that they still may have a chance...trust me, they will try...

My grandfather is a Methodist minister and has led his own church for decades. His sermons used to be broadcast on the radio and he and my grandmother recorded a few gospel albums, as well. When my grandmother passed away, I heard that the ladies at the church were hot and heavy after him! And he remarried within 3 months of her burial. It caused a lot of problems in the family but my grandmother was the only one on that side I was actually close to so I didn't get caught up in any of the drama.

Good for you...don't need any drama!