I think I'm in a love triangle :(

[Kurlee]

actaully it does. I think if u feel secure in your decision to get married and tht theyre r no doubts in your heart and mind tht he is for u.(because u already kno) One would b crazy to ever look elsewhere again. Thats y its called marriage and dating is just dating

wow well. I see it differentlyerplexed. The wedding is beautiful and meaningful, but if certain patterns and behaviours have been established in your relationships, one day is not going to change that. I just think it may be the wrong foot to start a marriage on and when things get rough (which they will), the old "habits" may come back to bite you in the behind. It's deceitful if both parties don't know the deal and it's hard to believe that at some point, you don't have to blatantly lie. At some point that person will ask you what you did for the day or something and you will have to either tell the truth or outright lie to cover up that you were with Dude of the Month.

 

[miss stress]

Is one party in this thread typing on a cell because...

Anyway, OP...you owe both parties honesty. You may not even do that, but what you NEED to do is CUT THAT MAN OFF or leave your current and go be with him.

That is so funny cause I actually am on my blckberry!! I took the kids to the waterprk today and since I actually subscribed to the thread it keeps dinging so I keep comming bac to c whats up.....................and at this point everytime it dings its like a car crash,u dont wanna look, but your curiosity wont let u not

 

[BillsBackerz67]

wow well. I see it differentlyerplexed. The wedding is beautiful and meaningful, but if certain patterns and behaviours have been established in your relationships, one day is not going to change that. I just think it may be the wrong foot to start a marriage on and when things get rough (which they will), the old "habits" may come back to bite you in the behind. It's deceitful if both parties don't know the deal and it's hard to believe that at some point, you don't have to blatantly lie. At some point that person will ask you what you did for the day or something and you will have to either tell the truth or outright lie to cover up that you were with Dude of the Month.

if there's nothing wrong with it why should one have to lie anyway "well i met up with mike, went to perkins and then had sex afterwards.... oh btw sorry thats why i didnt answer when you called babe. what did you do all day? "

 

[SweetNic_JA]

actaully it does. I think if u feel secure in your decision to get married and tht theyre r no doubts in your heart and mind tht he is for u.(because u already kno) One would b crazy to ever look elsewhere again. Thats y its called marriage and dating is just dating

How long have you two been married ?

 

[HoneyA]

Wow...this is a very interesting thread! I find out so many new things here at the RF it is unbelievable. Honestly, there is no one size fits all relationship but strangely enough when you are honest with yourself and do what you feel like doing whether or not it fits into the mainstream view, things seem to turn out ok. It's the strangest thing.

I know that for me if I tried dating 2 or 3 guys, lying by omission and pretending to be ok with it when I am not, it would come back and bite me in the butt but that's me. But that's because I know that I could not do it. I would just be up front and say well I'm dating other people and when I say dating, I do not mean long term anything either.

But at the end of the day, whatever...you do what you feel comfortable with. The less negative you feel about something, the better it turns out. If you feel any sort of guilt, it will come back to bite you.

Very interesting thread...

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

If you were dating a guy and a far as you know its a monogamous relationship, you would be ok with him dating other women behind your back since you 2 arent married? This is a serious question.

Wont someone please answer this?

 

[Kurlee]

if there's nothing wrong with it why should one have to lie anyway "well i met up with mike, went to perkins and then had sex afterwards.... oh btw sorry thats why i didnt answer when you called babe. what did you do all day? "

yup! thanks and the person, if they trust you is not even gonna think there is a mike, let alone you going out with him and doing the do afterwards, so how can they even ask about Mike?

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years, and I love him to death. Lately he has been talking about marriage and getting engaged ALOT. He just took a job in Florida about 4 months ago so we're currently long distance. I think he is perfect for me, he's handsome, REALLY smart, has a good job. We're pretty much bff's. We share everything. I just don't think I'm ready to be engaged. He is 28 and I'm 23. I have been dating him since I was about 19, honestly he's the only boyfriend I've ever had and since I met this other guy I've been really confused.

I met someone else 2 months ago. He's about 25, an engineer, really handsome and tall, and we hit it off really well. I told him I was just looking to be friends, but we have been grown extremely close. Friday we ended up kissing. I feel really bad and guilty about this. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend, stop seeing this guy, or stop seeing my boyfriend. I love my bf so much but he is the only real bf I've ever had, meanwhile he has had several girlfriends. This is no excuse for what I did, but I just don't know If I need to start dating other people or just keep moving forward with my current SO. Ever since he has been talking about marriage I have been freaking out and don't know if I'm ready to fully commit.


*pulls out da ashtray, grabs my lighta, n lights up a newport one hunnit...puts da pack on da table*

*leans back in my lazy-boy n takes a puff*

You ain't retty chile....u ain't ready for no marriage, no engagement, none of dat. see, u have lots to learn and ur young. first of all, u don't share and tell a man e'thing...das a no no. some things u gotta keep to urself. ur not obligated to tell him about someone else ur dating. das none of his bidness. if yall were married, then yeah, u can tell, but hell, you ain't in no position to be playin true confessions right now....cuz see, u ain't retty to handle da consequences.

now imma lil confused. *takes a drag....puff...puff...*

yall been t'getha for four years and durin dat four years, he's had several girlfriends that you've known about. git da phuck outta hea... see i think u get confused when he so calls "tells u everything". one thing u need to understand from here on out is dat a man will tell you what he only wants you to know. it will SOUND truthful, but trust, he's only gonna tell u whatchu wanna know. das it n das all. and see, they have a way of makin da shyt sound so good as if they're bein honest and blah blah blah.

see, dis whole shytuation got all kinds of red flags on it. the way i look at it, he knows everything about you and you're predictable cuz u tell him everything so he knows ur every move, how you'll respond to certain things, EVERYTHING. ur always available when he calls, let him know boutcha whereabouts, etc. (all dat needs to stop too..) him talkin about engagement and marriage is his way to control you because ur in Ohio and he's in Florida. feel me? it's called keepin tabs on da puddi and puttin dat *** on lock down chile.

see, ole boy (ur first) gotcha nose wiiide open and he's da only man you've ever known. lemme ask u sumfin. do you really think he is down there in Florida bein faithful? Seriously . Have you visited with him in Florida yet to check out his living arrangements, etc.? uh huh....

*plucks ash n takes anotha puff*...

tell u whatchu do. think about whatchu gonna do before u speak to your "boyfriend". let him know that you're not ready to be engaged right now. if he asks why, u don't hafta tell him cuz u met someone else....just tell him u ain't retty right now, you have a lot you need to think about and consider. you can give him an answer without bein direct.

as for da new kid on da block...u can continue to date him, but let him know dat u have a boyfriend. u shouldn't feel bad about what your doing. you're a free woman and u can do as you please.


phuck it and do u.

 

[Kurlee]

Wont someone please answer this?

nobody is going to, because they will tell on themselves. One thing i've learned, is that people get mighty creative when it comes to right and wrong when THEY want to do something wrong. Excuses, redefinitions, all kinds of foolishness.

 

[HoneyA]

If you were dating a guy and a far as you know its a monogamous relationship, you would be ok with him dating other women behind your back since you 2 arent married? This is a serious question.

I wouldn't be ok with it if it's supposed to be a monogamous but it's something that would had to have been made clear. If he told me about this other woman, I would let him go be with her though. You cannot force people to do anything they do not want to do. I am not begging any man to stay with me.

Similarly, if I had met someone else that I liked more than the guy I was currently in a relationship with, I'd cut the BF loose but it sure as hell won't be a threesome or a foursome either way. But that's just me at this stage of my life knowing what I know now.

Different folks, different strokes though...

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I wouldn't be ok with it if it's supposed to be a monogamous but it's something that would had to have been made clear. If he told me about this other woman, I would let him go be with her though. You cannot force people to do anything they do not want to do. I am not begging any man to stay with me.

Similarly, if I had met someone else that I liked more than the guy I was currently in a relationship with, I'd cut the BF loose but it sure as hell won't be a threesome or a foursome either way. But that's just me at this stage of my life knowing what I know now.

Different folks, different strokes though...

Where it gets foul is when you think youre the only one b/c that is what has been established, but then your partner is still keeping his options open. Its wrong to still be on the hunt while your partner is not, and he under the impression its not that kind of relationship. Its not ok for a man to do it to his woman but its a-ok for the woman to do it. That is hypocrisy.

 

[TayMac]

If you were dating a guy and a far as you know its a monogamous relationship, you would be ok with him dating other women behind your back since you 2 arent married? This is a serious question.

If I'm thinking everything is all good and you are still dating an' looking for the next best thing, I'd be hurt and angry especially if I'm dating with the intention of marriage.

 

[HoneyA]

Where it gets foul is when you think youre the only one b/c that is what has been established, but then your partner is still keeping his options open. Its wrong to still be on the hunt while your partner is not, and he under the impression its not that kind of relationship. Its not ok for a man to do it to his woman but its a-ok for the woman to do it. That is hypocrisy.

ITA. It's not ok for either to do it. I was talking to a guy on Friday night and so I made a general statement that ok, you do what you want in a relationship. Nobody can force you to do anything and that's fine. We are all free. Similarly though I do what I want because no one is controlling me.

You know he had a problem with that and looked at me in horror? His thinking is ok HE can do what he wants in a relationship but he wants to be able to keep tabs on the woman he's with. BS!

So it works both ways...hypocrisy all round then. Human nature...

 

[miss stress]

How long have you two been married ?

6 yrs in sept

 

[Kurlee]

6 yrs in sept

ok that makes sense then, because if you married at 21, then super hard core bonifide commitment may have been unrealistic/difficult at 18, 19, 20.

 

[jwhitley6]

OP...you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. Maybe what you guys need is "space" or "a break". It's not necessary to tell BF about the other guy...in fact, your issue really has nothing to do with this new guy. You are just young and not sure if you're ready to commit to the first guy you've really been with.

Whatever you do, please act with integrity. Flat out lying or being misleading is not the way to go. I did it and I hurt a really good guy in the process. He was not the man for me but he was/is a good man nonetheless (fortunately happily married now...but I put him through it!). It was a learning experience and I knew that I never wanted to hurt someone like that again nor did I need the drama that came along with it. I went on to date openly and honestly. You are young...there's no need for you to be in an exclusive/committed relationship right now if you are not ready. Take your time.

 

[Sosoothing]

Under other circumstances, I would say date them both and let them know you are dating them both. I have done this many times before and never has a man chosen not to see me because he knew he was one of 3...or how ever many suitors I was getting to know at the time.
My only concern is you have been exclusive with your boyfriend for a while and telling him that you are adding another man to the mix will be unfair to him and it will hurt. He will most likely feel betrayed.
I always say is you doubt something, don't do it. If you unsure if you are ready to be engaged, then you are not ready. Let your boyfriend know and let him move on. That way you will be free to date around as you like.

 

[Sosoothing]

If you were dating a guy and a far as you know its a monogamous relationship, you would be ok with him dating other women behind your back since you 2 arent married? This is a serious question.

This doesn't really apply to me but I will address it anyway. When I have dated more than one person at a time, that is all it was. Just dating as in spending time, and getting to know one another. Also, everyone knew about everyone else and for all I knew, they were getting to know other people too. There was/is no secrecy on my part because I was not/am not doing anything wrong. But once I pick one and we both decide to be exclusive, we act accordingly. Its that simple for me.

 

[Slave4Hair]

Thank you all for your advice, sorry I've been at work ALL day but I read every comment. ITA, it's wrong for me to treat my boyfriend this way. I went out to eat with "the new guy" today for dinner (my best friend came too). He answered a call and said, "Let me call you back, I'm with my girl right now." It really caught me off guard but I acted like I didn't hear him say it . I don't know if that was his way of saying i'm his girlfriend, or just a girl that's a friend. Either way I'm going to try to take a break from him for awhile, I'm glad I'll be going to my hometown for 2 weeks.

Miss Stress, thank you for your honesty. Do you ever have any regrets about getting married so young? That's my biggest fear, getting engaged because i don't want to hurt my SO's feelings but then regretting it in the end. Not saying i'm too young to be engaged but I just never saw myself doing so until I was like 27. 30 is my ideal age to be married.

Alot of what you all said has really made me think. It is really hard to find a good man these days, thank you for whoever reminded me of that. I think that's why I stayed with my SO so long because it's hard to find someone like him but when I met this other guy It shocked me because both of them I feel are GREAT men and I never thought I'd meet two...at the same time. I think I'm being greedy. It is probably true the relationship is new so I feel like listening to slow jams all day and fantasizing but I know in the end I'm going to have to end it with the new guy. I don't think it's worth me hurting my SO, I can only imagine how I'd feel or react if he ever did that to me.

Are relationships supposed to feel dull after awhile? I mean I know the fireworks eventually die down a little...but sometimes I miss the feeling I had when I first met him. I know if we ever broke up I'd be devastated, much more so than if I cut things off with this new guy, so I know we probably shouldn't be "friends" anymore .

 

[tropical-punch]

Not sure why you didn't halt the "friendship" with the other guy long before the kissing incident. Especially since you are in a relationship.

 

[Kurlee]

i'm so surprised at OP's maturity and honesty, despite her "mistake". Most of the 23 year olds I know are not like that. I really hope things work out for her in the end. Just try to cut ol' boy off quickly because the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

 

[empressri]

The grass is always greener on the other side. You need to figure out what you want first off, be it get married or play the field still.

Two, you have to be honest with your SO. Even if you risk losing him. Then think about that and maybe that will help you decide if he's the one you want to be with.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Do you ever have any regrets about getting married so young? That's my biggest fear, getting engaged because i don't want to hurt my SO's feelings but then regretting it in the end. Not saying i'm too young to be engaged but I just never saw myself doing so until I was like 27. 30 is my ideal age to be married.


Are relationships supposed to feel dull after awhile? I mean I know the fireworks eventually die down a little...but sometimes I miss the feeling I had when I first met him. I know if we ever broke up I'd be devastated, much more so than if I cut things off with this new guy, so I know we probably shouldn't be "friends" anymore .

This wasn't directed at me, but I dated other guys before DH, but he was my first real relationship. It might have been different for me because I always knew I wanted to get married. I didn't have an ideal age, although I thought I'd be older. My main focus was finding the right person and I felt like once I found that person I'd be ready, regardless of how old I was at the time.

I have never regretted not dating more before I settled down. I don't think a relationship should ever be dull. Ours isn't, but it also isn't the same as when it was new. A relationship takes work. Loving each other every day is a choice. If you aren't ready for that commitment, that's ok. But I think you should understand that no relationship is going to feel "brand new" forever.

 

[PapillionRouge]

I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years, and I love him to death. Lately he has been talking about marriage and getting engaged ALOT. He just took a job in Florida about 4 months ago so we're currently long distance. . He is 28 and I'm 23. I have been dating him since I was about 19, honestly he's the only boyfriend I've ever had and since I met this other guy I've been really confused.

I met someone else 2 months ago. He's about 25, an engineer, really handsome and tall, and we hit it off really well. I told him I was just looking to be friends, but we have been grown extremely close. Friday we ended up kissing. I feel really bad and guilty about this. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend, stop seeing this guy, or stop seeing my boyfriend. I love my bf so much but he is the only real bf I've ever had, meanwhile he has had several girlfriends. This is no excuse for what I did, but I just don't know If I need to start dating other people or just keep moving forward with my current SO. Ever since he has been talking about marriage I have been freaking out and don't know if I'm ready to fully commit.


*pulls out da ashtray, grabs my lighta, n lights up a newport one hunnit...puts da pack on da table*

*leans back in my lazy-boy n takes a puff*

You ain't retty chile....u ain't ready for no marriage, no engagement, none of dat. see, u have lots to learn and ur young. first of all, u don't share and tell a man e'thing...das a no no. some things u gotta keep to urself. ur not obligated to tell him about someone else ur dating. das none of his bidness. if yall were married, then yeah, u can tell, but hell, you ain't in no position to be playin true confessions right now....cuz see, u ain't retty to handle da consequences.

now imma lil confused. *takes a drag....puff...puff...*

[.

I think OP meant that he has had past girlfriends in the past before herself, while he is her first serious bf/relationship.
I donthink she meant he had those gf's while he was still with her...

 

[Curly Lee]

if there's nothing wrong with it why should one have to lie anyway "well i met up with mike, went to perkins and then had sex afterwards.... oh btw sorry thats why i didnt answer when you called babe. what did you do all day? "

Apologies for the randomness, but what school do you/ did you go to?? Perekins is the name of a popular library at my school. Sorry I'm random,anyways...
to the rest of this thread. Carry on ladies.

 

[Curly Lee]

I too am a fan of nonexclusive DATING, not in monogamous relationships. But that's just my opinion, to each his/her own. But obviously the OP is feeling some type of guilt about her situation,so that's not a valid option for her. I think you should take a "break" (I hate that term) from your current boyfriends and continue TALKING to the new guy, just to test out a few things. Even if you don't go for the new guy I think you still don't feel ready to commit to your current boyfriend so you should let him now.
BUT since I'm on my random tangent tonight I would like to add that...
mentioning someone's spelling errors ONLY when they disagree with you in order to imply that someone is unintelligent, is SUCH a juvenile tactic. If you wouldn't comment on a spelling/grammatical error if the person was AGREEING with you then don't do it when someone DISAGREES with you. Sorry that is a HUGE internet pet peeve of mine. Why can't we just accept that people have different views from ours. No I don't agree with you but it's not my place to try and persuade you to my way of thinking. Tis all

 

[miss stress]

Thank you all for your advice, sorry I've been at work ALL day but I read every comment. ITA, it's wrong for me to treat my boyfriend this way. I went out to eat with "the new guy" today for dinner (my best friend came too). He answered a call and said, "Let me call you back, I'm with my girl right now." It really caught me off guard but I acted like I didn't hear him say it . I don't know if that was his way of saying i'm his girlfriend, or just a girl that's a friend. Either way I'm going to try to take a break from him for awhile, I'm glad I'll be going to my hometown for 2 weeks.

Miss Stress, thank you for your honesty. Do you ever have any regrets about getting married so young? That's my biggest fear, getting engaged because i don't want to hurt my SO's feelings but then regretting it in the end. Not saying i'm too young to be engaged but I just never saw myself doing so until I was like 27. 30 is my ideal age to be married.

Alot of what you all said has really made me think. It is really hard to find a good man these days, thank you for whoever reminded me of that. I think that's why I stayed with my SO so long because it's hard to find someone like him but when I met this other guy It shocked me because both of them I feel are GREAT men and I never thought I'd meet two...at the same time. I think I'm being greedy. It is probably true the relationship is new so I feel like listening to slow jams all day and fantasizing but I know in the end I'm going to have to end it with the new guy. I don't think it's worth me hurting my SO, I can only imagine how I'd feel or react if he ever did that to me.

Are relationships supposed to feel dull after awhile? I mean I know the fireworks eventually die down a little...but sometimes I miss the feeling I had when I first met him. I know if we ever broke up I'd be devastated, much more so than if I cut things off with this new guy, so I know we probably shouldn't be "friends" anymore .

Hey girl! TO answer your question I have NO regrets abt getting married so young, I have the happiest marriage of anyone I kno. (Not to say we dont have problems, because everyone does) but we r so happy for the most part. Thank u for thanking me for my honesty cause as u can tell that was no easy task in this crowd. lol Truth told, the reasn I really wanted u to hear me out so badly is because me and my husband actually remind me of u and your SO right down to the relationship being long distance. So I definately have been where u r and I just dont want u to make any hasty decisions based on LHCF standards of whats politically correct. So good luck in your decision. Oh and in reguards to the last question abt r relationships suppose to get dull. The answer in my case is no. I am so attracted to dh even though Ive been with him my entire adult life. You just have to switch it up have sex in public, role play, dress up for him ect. But to b honest, since u guys r long distance, in my opinion it shold not come to tht his soon. It should feel brand new everytime u get to c each other since u dont c each other often and if it doesnt, perhaps thats an indicator that something is lacking.................

 

[Arcadian]

Thank you all for your advice, sorry I've been at work ALL day but I read every comment. ITA, it's wrong for me to treat my boyfriend this way. I went out to eat with "the new guy" today for dinner (my best friend came too). He answered a call and said, "Let me call you back, I'm with my girl right now." It really caught me off guard but I acted like I didn't hear him say it . I don't know if that was his way of saying i'm his girlfriend, or just a girl that's a friend. Either way I'm going to try to take a break from him for awhile, I'm glad I'll be going to my hometown for 2 weeks.

Miss Stress, thank you for your honesty. Do you ever have any regrets about getting married so young? That's my biggest fear, getting engaged because i don't want to hurt my SO's feelings but then regretting it in the end. Not saying i'm too young to be engaged but I just never saw myself doing so until I was like 27. 30 is my ideal age to be married.

Alot of what you all said has really made me think. It is really hard to find a good man these days, thank you for whoever reminded me of that. I think that's why I stayed with my SO so long because it's hard to find someone like him but when I met this other guy It shocked me because both of them I feel are GREAT men and I never thought I'd meet two...at the same time. I think I'm being greedy. It is probably true the relationship is new so I feel like listening to slow jams all day and fantasizing but I know in the end I'm going to have to end it with the new guy. I don't think it's worth me hurting my SO, I can only imagine how I'd feel or react if he ever did that to me.

Are relationships supposed to feel dull after awhile? I mean I know the fireworks eventually die down a little...but sometimes I miss the feeling I had when I first met him. I know if we ever broke up I'd be devastated, much more so than if I cut things off with this new guy, so I know we probably shouldn't be "friends" anymore .

Relationships change, they should in fact, its perfectly normal.

My husband and I are comfortable with each other, but the spark is still there. (though not when he's blowing the bed apart with his atomic farts:fart

And we've both changed since we first met...in many ways for the better But we continually work on our relationship. Without that work as a couple we wouldn't stand a chance.

I've personally never understood when someone complains about someone that has changed in the relationship...we're humans, its apart of what we do.

In order to grow, we change, we have to. I'm certainly not the same person I was when I met my husband, and I'm going to guess you're not the same person you were when you met your boyfriend. He's not going to be the same person either, so the dynamics of your relationship will be totally different now versus what it was in the past.

Getting back the spark of when you were first together?? well... I would say you need to look past that. Both of you should work on a different type of spark that suits the people you are NOW instead of trying to get back something of the past.


But before that happens...IF that happens...I think that both of you need to have a talk very candidly and honestly about where you both feel your relationship is headed before any other steps are made.

Good luck.

-A

 

[lesedi]

As far as I knew, everyone was respectful. Personally, I just wanted to understand Miss_Stress's perspective. I was curious and inquisitive and that's not wrong...This is a forum, of course people will ask questions. No-one is being attacked

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

I know this may b the unpopular opinion, but I think u should date them both. Why Not? Your're young and I honestly dont believe people should not put all of their eggs in one basket so to speak. I really believe its ok to date as many people as u can hande (until marriage of couse) Not suggesting u should sleep with em all(unless u feel comfy with tht) But it definately doesnt hurt to have new expirences with new people till u kno for sure what u want. Little known fact, I had a bf whn I got married and didnt break up with him till the day b4 I said," I DO" and I'm happy that I didnt limit myself because I went into my marriage absolutly sure there was noone else in the world for me. and I got married at 22 so.............. do ya thang!

lol!
dayuum sis..... if only i could get that backbone lol

did your other boyfriend try to derail your wedding plans????


and i agree...."keep in contact with both" until u decide
1 will always eliminate themself