Am I Being Selfish?

PeaceLover

PeaceLover

Well-Known Member
So, my fiancé's son & niece are here visiting us. My 4 year old daughter left today to spend the summer with her dad. Now originally we tried to coordinate dates with everyone so they all can be here at the same time, but that's a different story...

Anyway, my daughter left today & I planned some girl time with my friends (drinks & lunch) because their kids are gone too until tomorrow. My SO is feeling a little under the weather (sinus infection or something). I bought snacks & food for the kids plus there are leftovers...they're 9&12 so they can basically warm their own stuff up. I told him I was leaving leaving around 3 and I'll be back around 6. He told me to take the kids with me & I told him didn't want to...I left...he called me asking when I was going to be home because the kids are sitting in the house all day bored & hungry. I picked up a pizza & bought them to the pool...BUT I feel like dang I deserve a moment to myself since my daughter is gone. The only reason I feel bad is because he's not feeling well, but they're basically independent. When my daughter is gone I like to spend time doing things that I like that doesn't involve kids. I don't leave when she's here because she's 4 and requires attention.

He keeps saying "I'm about to take them home" & I told him not to because he doesn't feel well enough to get on the road. He has a pissy attitude with me right now.

Was I wrong?
 
Men, they act like the world is coming to a end with a sniffle . You did nothing wrong and by Monday you guys will be laughing at how much of a drama queen he was.
 
If they were your children would you have left them home with your husband while he was sick with leftovers and snacks for them to entertain themselves? I think it was a bit much. Your daughter isn't there but your future step-children are and they need to be treated in the sane way you would treat your child. It comes with the territory.

Yes it was a short time but it seem as if much time wasn't spent with them for the day either if they were at home and bored whole day.
 
LiftedUp said:
If they were your children would you have left them home with your husband while he was sick with leftovers and snacks for them to entertain themselves? I think it was a bit much. Your daughter isn't there but your future step-children are and they need to be treated in the sane way you would treat your child. It comes with the territory.

Yes it was a short time but it seem as if much time wasn't spent with them for the day either if they were at home and bored whole day.
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I agree with all of it.

I hope he's feeling better OP.
 
LiftedUp said:
If they were your children would you have left them home with your husband while he was sick with leftovers and snacks for them to entertain themselves? I think it was a bit much. Your daughter isn't there but your future step-children are and they need to be treated in the sane way you would treat your child. It comes with the territory.

Yes it was a short time but it seem as if much time wasn't spent with them for the day either if they were at home and bored whole day.
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When my daughter was here we were in the house all day too. The only different was that we weren't there. Sooo I say yes I would've left MY own kids if they are big enough to take care of themselves. They have been here all week so I assumed 3 hours wouldn't hurt.

Maybe I was a bit wrong, but I needed some girl/alone time. I don't want him to feel like I wouldn't treat them the same. We'll talk about that too lol
 
PeaceLover said:
When my daughter was here we were in the house all day too. The only different was that we weren't there. Sooo I say yes I would've left MY own kids if they are big enough to take care of themselves. They have been here all week so I assumed 3 hours wouldn't hurt.

Maybe I was a bit wrong, but I needed some girl/alone time. I don't want him to feel like I wouldn't treat them the same. We'll talk about that too lol
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You deserved three hours to yourself with your girls. Don't fall for the okey doke. He wanted to be babied and allowed to ignore his kids because he wasn't feeling good. Boy bye! He didn't want you to enjoy your little bit of fun and freedom.
 
Exactly

I don't think 3 hours of girl time was much and their 9 and 12 yrs old

Cmon now their not babies!

Women take on to much, I hope you enjoyed your time away.



hopeful said:
You deserved three hours to yourself with your girls. Don't fall for the okey doke. He wanted to be babied and allowed to ignore his kids because he wasn't feeling good. Boy bye! He didn't want you to enjoy your little bit of fun and freedom.
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Hi :perplexed:
So ummmm, let me get back to this real quick. We had a convo & he told me he was just upset because he wasn't feeling well. We laughed it off & got back to normal...a couple days ago he drove home to take his niece and I was like cool. His son wanted to stay & spend more time with him so I'm all for that. Father/Son bonding is always encouraged. But then he said he wanted to bring his niece & nephew back with his son so I had to tell him that I'm too exhausted for all of that. My daughter is gone for the summer. I told him just bring his son back & we'll think about the others another time.
1. It's my summer break (I teach)
2. I'm working on my doctorate & I just submitted my capstone & final research paper for the quarter
3. I cook & clean Sunday-Thursday
4. I'm freaking tired man...and most of the responsibility falls on me when the kids are here

So, I explain all this to him and he says he understands. He said he's going to do some guy stuff with his son. THEN thing start to go left because I've been in the bed being a bumb for the past two days. He keeps saying "How can you sleep that much?" I told him when you work 8 hours, run behind a toddler daily, work on a doctorate, run 5 days a week & run a household the stress adds up. He's slick judging my laziness? :naughty:

Did I mention that he got suspend from work for 6 months? That's another story...

Sooooo he hasn't been doing ISH daily for 4 months, but chooses to judge me?! Now, I'm not really mad about this because he saves money well so he's able to still pay all the bills while he's off. But how dare you judge my 2 days of laziness!

Ok, so tonight again I went shopping & for Mexican/margaritas with my friend...I call him a couple hours later and he's mad because he's "hungry" and I'm like why didn't you cook or get something to eat? He said "because you said you were going to cook tonight so I'm waiting on you" it's like 9pm & I'm like you haven't fed that boy since I left? :pyro:

I'm home and he's mad yet again. But why? You're not sick this time. Man is it too much to ask for that I want some freaking time to be lazy?! Can I have a week out of my summer?! Dang man! I cater to your behind all the time. I just want to sit on my a**! I'm getting real mad. When I made it home around 10 they were gone...

He comes back around 12 (about 30 minute ago) with the nastiest attitude! It's really about to go down in this freaking house...

When he's out with his friends I never complain....NEVER! I hardly ever go anywhere. Why is this a problem?

I just want some relaxation...I just want to not have to take care of anyone...I just want some DANG rest!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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So, the argument happened...

He kept saying "You said you were going to do something and didn't do it" and I'm like I didn't think it was such a big deal...

Then it led to him talking about how I didn't want his niece & nephew here...he claimed that if I'm busy he keeps them out my way...but that's the thing IF I'M BUSY. Man, I want some peace and quiet. I don't want to be bothered with all the extra kids. If I'm in the house I just can't ignore them and not talk to them. Why doesn't he get that? I don't want to sounds selfish, but he should've coordinated the dates when I asked him a few months ago so we wouldn't have this problem. I just want some alone time, but now I'm the selfish one. :look: He said his son need some company & I get that...

I haven't had a break from my daughter in a couple months. Why can't you just hang out with your son and be happy? Why can't you just cook? Why can't you just let me enjoy my very RARE break? Y'all I'm confused...help me.
 
I'm sorry.

I don't have any advice as I've never been in this situation or anything close.

Your differentiation between his kids and your kids makes me uncomfortable and I'm not involved. Perhaps this is an issue he's picking up on as well.

It sounds like you don't want to be a step-mother or involved in another child's life.
 
Also if you're the primary caretaker of your child and he's not the primary caretaker of his child(ren) then it's likely your "break" from your daughter will overlap with his time with his kids.

Did you all talk about what kind of family life you want for your future before getting engaged?
 
:sad:
toaster said:
I'm sorry.

I don't have any advice as I've never been in this situation or anything close.

Your differentiation between his kids and your kids makes me uncomfortable and I'm not involved. Perhaps this is an issue he's picking up on as well.

It sounds like you don't want to be a step-mother or involved in another child's life.
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I don't mind being a step-mom, but I want some balance. :pullhair: He uses the same language so it's standard here...
 
I understand where you're coming from. I'm tired from teaching and need a mental break and I don't even have kids yet. I think he's being unfair to judge you and your downtime. I know he sees you as Superwoman because you're a really dedicated mother and fiancé but everyone gets tired. Try to explain it to him. On the other hand you can't have your cake and eat it too. You're going to have to take care of his kids (which will be your kids soon) over the summer. And sometimes it will be at times that are inconvient for you. But they're your kids now. Seek other ways to relax and keep a sense of balance. It comes with the territory of marrying a man/woman with children.
 
toaster said:
Also if you're the primary caretaker of your child and he's not the primary caretaker of his child(ren) then it's likely your "break" from your daughter will overlap with his time with his kids.

Did you all talk about what kind of family life you want for your future before getting engaged?
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That's why I wanted to coordinate times & dates before hand. I know that most of the responsibility falls on me so I was trying to make sure we spend time with everyone and I get a break. :sad:
 
llan said:
You need a holiday. Teaching is no joke. Studying while teaching is even less funny. Doing all that house stuff while doing you're doing your degree and working is definitely serious.
Get some rest and address this when you're not so tired. Then you'll make better decisions and choose your words more carefully.
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Rest. That's the key work lol
 
PrissiSippi said:
I understand where you're coming from. I'm tired from teaching and need a mental break and I don't even have kids yet. I think he's being unfair to judge you and your downtime. I know he sees you as Superwoman because you're a really dedicated mother and fiancé but everyone gets tired. Try to explain it to him. On the other hand you can't have your cake and eat it too. You're going to have to take care of his kids (which will be your kids soon) over the summer. And sometimes it will be at times that are inconvient for you. But they're your kids now. Seek other ways to relax and keep a sense of balance. It comes with the territory of marrying a man/woman with children.
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You right. Let me really evaluate if I can really do this. Like, I can't give up my breaks man. That's the only way I stay sane. Why can't he just coordinate things with me like I freaking ask? We wouldn't have this problem! And now since we do I have to be the one who has to that a lost.
 
Maybe it's time to focus on the outcome and not what you both didn't do...like didn't coordinate and didn't feed him etc. etc.. It's clear you need some space and you need to let him know while acknowledging that family connection and family time is important to him especially since he's out of work.
Some honesty on his part about what is upsetting him. If it is indeed that you said you would cook that day and didn't come back until 9pm, I think that's a valid cause for being snippy. Keeping your word is important in any relationship. Is it possible that you haven't kept your word in the past? him not working could be affecting his sense of worth and value not only professionally but within the relationship.
So, I say focus on outcome and overall feelings about space and family connection and not on the day to day activities.

Hope you all working it out....living together ain't easy.
 
PeaceLover said:
:sad:

I don't mind being a step-mom, but I want some balance. :pullhair: He uses the same language so it's standard here...
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This isn't an issue with the kids or step parenting. This is a you/him division of labor issue. The problem as I see it is that he's gotten used to you taking up the slack (including his kids) when he doesn't feel like doing it so he throws a tantrum when he has to do anything. I completely believe you when you say that whenever the kids are there you end up doing most of the heavy lifting.

BTW - there's no problem in distinguishing between your daughter and his kids. Everybody will tell you that you need to act like his kids are yours until of course it comes to making so much as a superficial decision then the same folks will remind you that you ain't them kids mama.
 
PeaceLover said:
I don't know. I feel like I should rest and leave the house without judgement :confused:
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Then you know, you know. You have to have the courage to find a man who has similar values: values and respects hard work and education; believes in a more fair distribution of labor; supports you getting needed rest; willing to coordinate with you vs. springing things on you, etc. I'm sure he doesn't take full responsibility for your daughter when she is there, and yet expects you to take his kids on as though you are their mom and fully responsible. Plus, you guys aren't married yet.

What you want is not unreasonable at all. You have put yourself in a situation where you are with a man who has different views on marriage and life than you. He is not going to change. You will have to make peace with that or find someone who is more in allignment with your belief system. There is nothing wrong with what you want.
 
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