Advice for a virgin

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natstar

Well-Known Member
I'm 28 and I am still a virgin. I have gone on soooooo many dates and had a few relationships. I'm not trying to save myself for marraige, just a committed relationship. Everytime I tell a guy (and it wont be on the 1st date) that Im a virigin he sort of pushes away.

It wasn't an issue when I was younger, but as I get older-that whole scenario gets old. I don't want to be 30 and still a virgin. I want to experience sex too. I feel like it's something I want to do to know what its like and to feel like an adult (I suppose?) Otherwise I am pretty mature with everything else-I have my own place, job, etc but I think this holds me back from forming more committed relationships.

I have one guy who ive been talking to for almost a year that sticks around -we used to date but I told him what's up. He just wanted to casually date but I wanted something more. We hang out and talk a bit. I am thinking of asking him to have sex-no strings attached -just to get the experience out of the way. He has mentioned sex buddies before but I wasn't going for that. Anyway- any advice about my situation would be appreciated.
 
Maybe don't tell them you are a virgin and simply say you don't have sex until you're in a committed relationship. I wouldn't say either ( if i were in your shoes) but just wait to let the moment happen when you are ready/ comfortable.

Do you really want your first experience to be with that friend? Or someone special? You can always tell him ( new guy) you were a virgin after.

When you do decide, just make sure you tell him to take it slow, you can say your body needs to adjust to him or something like that.

ETA: I said I wouldn't say either because sometimes men will fake "commitment" just to have sex, then bounce once they deed is done.
 
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I wouldn't even mention that I was a virgin (if it wasn't for religious reasons of course) until I was going to bed with someone. They don't need to know...

I wouldn't do it until I was in love with someone. When you've waited this long, why not give it to someone special?
 
Have you tried dating someone who is also abstinent, or better yet, someone who has chosen to be celibate? That way the pressure may not be there and you can get to know each other without worrying about adding sex to the mix.
 
natstar said:
I have one guy who ive been talking to for almost a year that sticks around -we used to date but I told him what's up. He just wanted to casually date but I wanted something more. We hang out and talk a bit. I am thinking of asking him to have sex-no strings attached -just to get the experience out of the way. He has mentioned sex buddies before but I wasn't going for that. Anyway- any advice about my situation would be appreciated.
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Only you can know how to progress within this situation given the dynamics of your friendship. But---what if after "getting it out of the way", you find that you want it with this friend again? And again? And again? Then you'll feel awful because it's just casual sex and nothing more, especially after you eventually meet the One. Then you'll be beating yourself up for not having waited to share the experience with someone who desires being more than just casual sex buddies.
 
one piece of advice. don't give it to the guy who is waiting. trust me on this one. he's your "friend" (term used lightly) for a reason. if you give it to him, for you it'll be the experience and will ruin the friendship. for him, it will be brownie points, bragging rights.

Don't.do.it.

ETA - Besides, you can't miss something you've never had.
 
Girl keep your legs closed and wait on the guy god has intended for you. Any man who doesnt appreciate your situation is not someone I would be sharing body with.
 
how do you even get into a conversation to mention that you're still a virgin? Maybe that is part of the reason guys push away.

Why are you bringing it up in situations with men who are not serious partners???
 
Do you want a man to love you for who you are or do you want to have sex with several men who don't love you?

If a person can't appreciate you for who you are as a virgin, they aren't the one for you. There are serious guys who would love to be with a virgin - long term.

It sounds like you truly want to wait for the right guy to come along, but you're getting impatient. Don't worry about stigmas. Do what will make you happiest in the long run.

ETA: I'm also wondering why the topic of sex comes up so soon with non-boyfriends? What types of guys are you encountering?
 
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ThatJerseyGirl said:
one piece of advice. don't give it to the guy who is waiting. trust me on this one. he's your "friend" (term used lightly) for a reason. if you give it to him, for you it'll be the experience and will ruin the friendship. for him, it will be brownie points, bragging rights.

Don't.do.it.

ETA - Besides, you can't miss something you've never had.
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VelvetRain said:
Girl keep your legs closed and wait on the guy god has intended for you. Any man who doesnt appreciate your situation is not someone I would be sharing body with.
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PPGbubbles said:
Dont Do it!!!!! Save it for someone who cares and wants to be in a realationship with you
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You're situation is interesting to me b/c a lot of times I've seen guy's try to go harder after you when they find out you're a virgin just to say they conquered it first. It must be because they don't want to deal with someone becoming "clingy", that tells you right there they weren't interested in a long-term committed relationship. Lucky for you it's been a good way to weed 'em out thus far. Your friend is probably just hoping that sticking around will cause you to change your mind, and the fact he has the audacity to ask you - a virgin - if ya'll can be sex buddies is proof. :ohwell: :nono:

Casual sex can never compare to the feeling of being with someone you love. I don't give a hoot if he's Mandigo himself, it won't even come close without the emotional/spiritual connection (IMO). Your first time you don't know what to expect ( I can't really put into words and if I did I'd probably cause you to be a virgin forever :lol:) and I don't want you to feel foolish afterwards for waiting so long only to share your body with the first Joe Blow that shows an interest.
 
snilloh said:
how do you even get into a conversation to mention that you're still a virgin? Maybe that is part of the reason guys push away.

Why are you bringing it up in situations with men who are not serious partners???
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Yeah, I don't see an easy way to work that into any conversation. Plus at 28, I don't know of many people asking, "Are you a virgin?" Younger folks yes, 28 NO.

I agree with Thatjerseygirl, don't do your friend, it will mess everything up.
 
Stick to what you want which is waiting to have sex for a committed relationship. If casual sex with no strings attached isn't what you want, do not do it.
 
From personal experience, I've learned that these ladies are right. NEVER tell them (lol) Tell them the circumstances in which you'd be comfortable but they don't need to know the details (i.e. virginity) and the guy who is "waiting" just doesn't want to leave the slot machine for someone else to hit the jackpot. :look:
 
There is something you said that is a bit disturbing. Not being sexually active or being a virgin has nothing to do with not being an adult. So what you are 28 and a virgin. Why does that have to with anything? If anything you have done a pretty good job at shielding yourself from std's, pregnancy and the like. Dont internalize the feelings that there is something wrong with you because there isn't. The right man will appreciate your status. Don't be in a rush to give that to any ole person.
 
VelvetRain said:
There is something you said that is a bit disturbing. Not being sexually active or being a virgin has nothing to do with not being an adult. So what you are 28 and a virgin. Why does that have to with anything? If anything you have done a pretty good job at shielding yourself from std's, pregnancy and the like. Dont internalize the feelings that there is something wrong with you because there isn't. The right man will appreciate your status. Don't be in a rush to give that to any ole person.
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I agree with this as well! Good post! :up:
 
I don't think you should tell the guys that you date that you're a virgin. And I don't think you'll regret losing your virginity if the relationship doesn't work out.

I wouldn't give it to the guy who's been hanging around, he sounds too skeevy. First he backs away after he finds out you're a virgin and then he suggests that you be friends with benefits...gross. Why is it ok to him to be sex buddies with a virgin, but not in a relationship with one? At least a guy who doesn't know you're a virgin isn't trying to make your first time into some kind of virgin trophy tower for himself.

I think you should wait until you meet a new guy, don't tell him, let the relationship develop for however many months you feel comfortable with, and then one night after a date instead of stopping him, just let things keep going. (He has to use a condom of course)
 
Stop telling guys that you are a virgin. Don't do the sex buddy thing...it's harder on women and especially the inexperienced (in general).

Keep dating and having fun just don't give up the details.
 
Thanks for the advice ladies. I understand what you all have said. Also- I don't usually tell them right off the bat. This is the usual scenario-I go on 4 or 5 dates with a guy, he hasn't mentioned any exclusivity yet and we are making out-kissing. It gets to the point (our clothes aren't off or anything) where I feel like I should say something so it wont lead down that path.

This is the scenario that I am having a hard time with but keep experiencing. A guy hasn't mentioned more relationship type stuff yet we go out and he tries to get more intimate. Its like to get to the next level, sex is a requirement. Since I don't have sex (I want a committed relationship) I don't get to the next level. It like damned if you do and damned if you don't. I just want to get past that stage/scenario.
 
natstar said:
I'm 28 and I am still a virgin. I have gone on soooooo many dates and had a few relationships. I'm not trying to save myself for marraige, just a committed relationship. Everytime I tell a guy (and it wont be on the 1st date) that Im a virigin he sort of pushes away.

It wasn't an issue when I was younger, but as I get older-that whole scenario gets old. I don't want to be 30 and still a virgin. I want to experience sex too. I feel like it's something I want to do to know what its like and to feel like an adult (I suppose?) Otherwise I am pretty mature with everything else-I have my own place, job, etc but I think this holds me back from forming more committed relationships.

I have one guy who ive been talking to for almost a year that sticks around -we used to date but I told him what's up. He just wanted to casually date but I wanted something more. We hang out and talk a bit. I am thinking of asking him to have sex-no strings attached -just to get the experience out of the way. He has mentioned sex buddies before but I wasn't going for that. Anyway- any advice about my situation would be appreciated.
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I'm still a virgin but I'm only 23 and most of the time I'm happy with it since I'm not in a committed relationship but occasionally I have the irrational thought of having sex with a male friend just to lose the V-card but I'd never actually do it because I know my emotions would get the better of me and at the end of the day sex means nothing without the relationship and feelings behind it IMO. OP, don't do it. No matter how you're feeling now, your emotions will come into play and hit you harder than you thought.

As for telling guys you're a virgin, my experience is the opposite. The few guys it's come up with actually become more interested when they learn about my lack of experience and the guys have always brought up the subject.:look: Contrary to the advice given here I plan on telling the guy I sleep with I'm a virgin simply because I don't see any reason not to if we're exclusive and in a serious relationship.:perplexed I wouldn't tell a guy on the first date though. Sex shouldn't even be a topic on the first date and even on the next few dates.
 
natstar said:
Thanks for the advice ladies. I understand what you all have said. Also- I don't usually tell them right off the bat. This is the usual scenario-I go on 4 or 5 dates with a guy, he hasn't mentioned any exclusivity yet and we are making out-kissing. It gets to the point (our clothes aren't off or anything) where I feel like I should say something so it wont lead down that path.

This is the scenario that I am having a hard time with but keep experiencing. A guy hasn't mentioned more relationship type stuff yet we go out and he tries to get more intimate. Its like to get to the next level, sex is a requirement. Since I don't have sex (I want a committed relationship) I don't get to the next level. It like damned if you do and damned if you don't. I just want to get past that stage/scenario.
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I posted my initial response then read your update post. It sounds like you get physical with men you're just casually involved with and when sex is on the horizon you put on the brakes and drop the bomb, leaving the guy feeling awkward because perhaps he was hoping to get sex.:perplexed Not your fault, but may be you should hold off making out with guys until you are exclusive. :look:
 
natstar said:
Thanks for the advice ladies. I understand what you all have said. Also- I don't usually tell them right off the bat. This is the usual scenario-I go on 4 or 5 dates with a guy, he hasn't mentioned any exclusivity yet and we are making out-kissing. It gets to the point (our clothes aren't off or anything) where I feel like I should say something so it wont lead down that path.

This is the scenario that I am having a hard time with but keep experiencing. A guy hasn't mentioned more relationship type stuff yet we go out and he tries to get more intimate. Its like to get to the next level, sex is a requirement. Since I don't have sex (I want a committed relationship) I don't get to the next level. It like damned if you do and damned if you don't. I just want to get past that stage/scenario.
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You are clearly dating the wrong men. Sex as a requirement? Dude can kiss your arse. Dont fall for the okie doke with that one. Real men who see a future with you will wait. Believe me on that one. I was with my ex for a year before we had sex. He respected my decision to not jump into a sexual relationship quickly. He was okay with waiting. His actions proved it. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.
 
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I feel like I am in your situation minus the virgin part. (Which I know is the biggest part, lol, I totally understand.) But it's good to know there are other women out there for who relationships just don't ever really get off the ground because the guy doesn't WANT a relationship, and the woman isn't deluding herself thinking it is one. I'd still have my virginity too for this same reason if I hadn't unceremoniously decided to dump mine.
 
natstar said:
Thanks for the advice ladies. I understand what you all have said. Also- I don't usually tell them right off the bat. This is the usual scenario-I go on 4 or 5 dates with a guy, he hasn't mentioned any exclusivity yet and we are making out-kissing. It gets to the point (our clothes aren't off or anything) where I feel like I should say something so it wont lead down that path.

This is the scenario that I am having a hard time with but keep experiencing. A guy hasn't mentioned more relationship type stuff yet we go out and he tries to get more intimate. Its like to get to the next level, sex is a requirement. Since I don't have sex (I want a committed relationship) I don't get to the next level. It like damned if you do and damned if you don't. I just want to get past that stage/scenario.
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There appears to be some challenges with the scenario you described :ohwell::

Maybe stay out of settings where sex is expected. For example are these make out sessions late at night at yours or his place?

Maybe make some ground rules for yourself. Like no men in your home until he is your man and vice versa.

or Maybe you are willing to engage in small kiss in the car or like on your porch etc..

just throwing some ideas out there...It sounds like it's more of a "setting boundaries" issue so they know you are not giving up the goods anytime soon. If they ask "why can't I come to your place or why must I leave early" etc...You can mention that you only do those things with committed partners etc... ( even be careful with that, because sometimes men fake commitment to have sex.)

BTW, 4-5 dates are usually not enough time for a man to consider commitment. Some men know right away depending on your previous relationship, but how well do you really know each other after maybe a month of dating if you go out once a week initially???
 
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natstar said:
Thanks for the advice ladies. I understand what you all have said. Also- I don't usually tell them right off the bat. This is the usual scenario-I go on 4 or 5 dates with a guy, he hasn't mentioned any exclusivity yet and we are making out-kissing. It gets to the point (our clothes aren't off or anything) where I feel like I should say something so it wont lead down that path.

This is the scenario that I am having a hard time with but keep experiencing. A guy hasn't mentioned more relationship type stuff yet we go out and he tries to get more intimate. Its like to get to the next level, sex is a requirement. Since I don't have sex (I want a committed relationship) I don't get to the next level. It like damned if you do and damned if you don't. I just want to get past that stage/scenario.
Click to expand...

You don't have to tell him you're a virgin, just tell you have to get up early the next morning, or that you had a nice time tonight (he should understand that means that it's time for him to go), you can say you don't want to move so fast, you like to get to know someone and take it slow.

When you're no longer a virgin you won't sleep with someone after 4 or 5 dates, it'll take like 2 or 3 months or longer before you sleep together.
 
Just to offer a different perspective, I don't agree with the whole idea of "you don't know what you're missing," and "regular sex can't compare to sex with someone you love and its never as good" etc...

It's like some kind of delicacy, like creme brulee. You heard it's good, so you wanna see what it tastes like, right? I tried creme brulee, and I liked it. It's pretty good. Every now and again, someone whips it up just right and it's fabulous.

Now, I know the creme brulee I've had up to this point probably isn't as good as the one I could have if I ate it from a five star top notch restaurant. But does that mean I should deprive myself of this treat just because I can't have the best kind? The best that's out there? Not me, lol.

I feel the same way about sex. Sex with someone you're in love with who is in love with you is a best case scenario, in my opinion. I feel like that's a best case scenario that doesn't come around very often and is very rare. This idea that love is something that happens that easily and people fall in love with each other willy nilly is something I don't subscribe to. Me personally, I probably won't ever be in love with more than 2 men in my entire life (if I were to be so lucky!). Yet some women are "in love" with a boyfriend every other month. It's too individualistic to be defined in those limited terms, in my opinion.

You don't have to form your ideals about sex based on those terms, IF you choose not to.
 
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