5 months preg-husband cheating

nikki1971 said:
I do understand. But his cheating on you and putting your life and children's life in jeopardy, this IMO is not a characteristic good man/father/husband. You have to consider your health and safety first. I don't mean to sound harsh, but cheating is bad enough as it is but your are 5 months pregnant. That's lower than low :nono: You may want to consider an exit strategy, if confronting him, counseling etc. does not change his behavior. You and your children deserve better than this. Please don't have anymore children with this man, it will only make it harder on you emotionally and financially.
I have been in a situation similar to yours many years ago. I did not stay with my ex-husband, I left and made it on my own with my son. I am not saying its easy, but you can do this too. I am praying for you:).
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i agree. the only thing i have to say is, if your daughter were in your position, would you be advising her to stay? i would think the answer you be no. but whilst you are in this kind of relationship, your children will observe how you and your husband interact with each other. by observing the dynamics of your relationship, it will serve as the basis of what they think is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship. i'm sure you may have heard about women who have been brought up seeing their mothers abused ending up in abusive relationships themselves. whilst they know abuse is wrong, they subconsciously seek out destructive relationships because they did not grow up seeing how a real man treated his wife. now this isn't true for all women with mothers like that but it's too often an occurance to be dismissed. on the flip side, you often hear about boys being raised with dads who beat their mothers and those boys growing up to be abusers also. these kind of things then to repeat themselves.

i would hazard a guess that you husband did all these "nice" things for you out of guilt to be quite honest and not because he loves you. cheating on your wife and potentially bringing a disease home to infect her with is not love. being dishonest and betraying you is not what love is.
 
almondruby said:
hello ladies, thanks again for all the replies. i took the day off work today as i couldn't face all the kids feeling so low.

my husband is acting weird-trying to be nice and maybe trying to suss what i'm going to do next.

unfortunately, all the comments that have been made regarding african men really ring true. i do actually know a few men who are married who seem to be loving and devoted to their wife and kids (though one can never really know what goes on in a marriage), but they are far in the minority. the vast majority of married people i know from back in africa and here aren't happily married. having kids outside, mistresses confronting and threatening wives, men lavishing money on girlfriends whilst their families go without, men bringing girlfriends to family functions whilst their wives are away- it goes on and on.

there's also the other serious problem the man's family disrespecting the wife-this i have experienced personally even from his younger siblings (though i made it plain to him a long time ago that i never wanted to see them again and that if he wanted to, he should go and visit them where they live).

in truth, i guess i never thought i'd be happily married because it's not something i've ever really seen. i'm an example of someone setting their standards too low and then not even ending up with someone who meets those low standards. i know i'm in no way responsible for his behaviour, but i have to accept some personal responsibility for the horrible situation i'm in now. things were blissful for the first 4 months, then things just got progressively worse. i should have left him long before he even proposed.

i've learned so much from lurking on the board since the summer - all the ladies experiences, good and bad. i really admire young girls who have the confidence and self belief that i never had. i hope that somebody will read this and realise that the old saying "marry in haste, repent at leisure" is very very true. the families meeting each other before the marriage, pre-marriage counselling etc are all very important. i'll never know now if i could have met somebody who shared the same values i did and would love me dearly.

i'm now at risk of either being abandoned for another woman or living the next few years in a loveless marriage whilst secretly plotting my escape. and even when i leave, there will still be the children to worry about and the effect on them. i was so desperate to avoid ending up like my mother and being yet another struggling black single mother. but it looks like i'm going to end up that way now anyway.
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You are a child of God. Where is your faith? You have to believe that your situation will get better. You may not know the outcome, but you have to strongly believe that it will get better. You cannot walk around thinking that you have to suffer for years to come. PM me if you can. Where in the UK are you. If you are in London, maybe I can help. My cousin owns a daycare in London. Maybe she can help to watch your kids for a very, very low rate while you try to find a fulltime job and even after. There are plenty of resources out there for you but you first must believe that your situation will get better. Maybe not tomorrow but why not in a year..

You cannot continue thinking that you will have forever to lick your wounds. At some point, you will have to get back up, get out there, and start life in a different direction.

So what others around you put with sh!t in their marriages. You are not them. You know you want better for yourself. You are a teacher. Start attending church again and pray about your situation. Pray that God will restore your faith, that He will open doors to you, and that He will protect you from harm while sustaining you.

As my mother would say, do you think you would be the first woman who left a marriage desolate and downtrodden? Join the club and know that PLENTY of women have been where you are today. They moved on as single parents. Some have even remarried and blended their families with new ones. It would not be the end of the world if you did.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop reflecting on the past and the what could have been. Stop it. It is not helping your situation. Every time you have thoughts of the past, put a stop to it, by immediately thinking of something you need to do tomorrow to help yourself. Go to the library and look up resources for single mothers. There are always other things you could be doing instead of reflecting on the past.

Sorry to be so harsh but I can see that you need a reality check right about now.
 
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What does your husband do for a living? If he is not an attorney/barrister/soliciter, then consider contacting the following group:

British Nigeria Law Forum <[email protected]>
http://www.bnlf.org.uk/


It is a group of Nigerian attorneys who practice in the UK. They have lawyers there in all different practice areas so maybe one of them knows family law. If your husband is an attorney, he may very well know the group and have friends in the group, which would mean that he could find out if you approached a friend of his.

If he is not, contact them. You could contact them anyway just to get a referral. You may be able to get a law student to give you free advice or at least point you in the right direction.
 
nvybeauty said:
You are a child of God. Where is your faith? You have to believe that your situation will get better. You may not know the outcome, but you have to strongly believe that it will get better. You cannot walk around thinking that you have to suffer for years to come. PM me if you can. Where in the UK are you. If you are in London, maybe I can help. My cousin owns a daycare in London. Maybe she can help to watch your kids for a very, very low rate while you try to find a fulltime job and even after. There are plenty of resources out there for you but you first must believe that your situation will get better. Maybe not tomorrow but why not in a year..

You cannot continue thinking that you will have forever to lick your wounds. At some point, you will have to get back up, get out there, and start life in a different direction.

So what others around you put with sh!t in their marriages. You are not them. You know you want better for yourself. You are a teacher. Start attending church again and pray about your situation. Pray that God will restore your faith, that He will open doors to you, and that He will protect you from harm while sustaining you.

As my mother would say, do you think you would be the first woman who left a marriage desolate and downtrodden? Join the club and know that PLENTY of women have been where you are today. They moved on as single parents. Some have even remarried and blended their families with new ones. It would not be the end of the world if you did.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop reflecting on the past and the what could have been. Stop it. It is not helping your situation. Every time you have thoughts of the past, put a stop to it, by immediately thinking of something you need to do tomorrow to help yourself. Go to the library and look up resources for single mothers. There are always other things you could be doing instead of reflecting on the past.

Sorry to be so harsh but I can see that you need a reality check right about now.
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Great Advice!
 
thanks again for the replies - i'm feeling a lot better about things. i have definitely taken on board all the advice that has been given to me.

i managed to book an AIDS test today for monday. i have decided to stick with sleeping separately and distancing myself emotionally from my husband. there's absolutely no chance at all that i'll be intimate with him again after this - not to talk of having another child. i won't discuss anything further with him because there's no point-his position is just to deny deny deny and act like nothing happened.

i've thought about my different options and realistically i can't leave now. i'm pregnant and vulnerable. also, for the cultural reasons i mentioned earlier, i can't rely on my family for help. they would help me if i explained everything that has happened to them, but i don't want them to know. and even my brother would insist i return to my husband eventually for the kids sake. i'd rather wait until i'm in a position to take care of myself and the children.

i already have some savings and i'll continue saving as much as i can, however little. i'm currently a teacher and have quite a good job, though it's stressful. as it's a stable, secure profession i'll stay with it at least until my kids are school age. maybe then i'll try to find a career or job that pays more money.

also, i didn't mean to sound like i was wallowing in misery about what's happened, i was just stating the facts and maybe venting a bit. many women are and have been in much worse a situation than i'm in, and they made better lives for themselves.

just wanted to thank everyone again for their advice, kindness and prayers. you've shown lots of love to an anonymous newbie. i really originally posted in a moment of despair and never expected anyone to reply. all the advice and stories that people have posted have really helped comfort me and, more importantly, to clarify my thinking about what to do next with my life.

i'll update you once the baby is born as i don't think there'll be anything to report before then.

kindest regards, almondruby xxx
 
almondruby said:
thanks again for the replies - i'm feeling a lot better about things. i have definitely taken on board all the advice that has been given to me.

i managed to book an AIDS test today for monday. i have decided to stick with sleeping separately and distancing myself emotionally from my husband. there's absolutely no chance at all that i'll be intimate with him again after this - not to talk of having another child. i won't discuss anything further with him because there's no point-his position is just to deny deny deny and act like nothing happened.

i've thought about my different options and realistically i can't leave now. i'm pregnant and vulnerable. also, for the cultural reasons i mentioned earlier, i can't rely on my family for help. they would help me if i explained everything that has happened to them, but i don't want them to know. and even my brother would insist i return to my husband eventually for the kids sake. i'd rather wait until i'm in a position to take care of myself and the children.

i already have some savings and i'll continue saving as much as i can, however little. i'm currently a teacher and have quite a good job, though it's stressful. as it's a stable, secure profession i'll stay with it at least until my kids are school age. maybe then i'll try to find a career or job that pays more money.

also, i didn't mean to sound like i was wallowing in misery about what's happened, i was just stating the facts and maybe venting a bit. many women are and have been in much worse a situation than i'm in, and they made better lives for themselves.

just wanted to thank everyone again for their advice, kindness and prayers. you've shown lots of love to an anonymous newbie. i really originally posted in a moment of despair and never expected anyone to reply. all the advice and stories that people have posted have really helped comfort me and, more importantly, to clarify my thinking about what to do next with my life.

i'll update you once the baby is born as i don't think there'll be anything to report before then.

kindest regards, almondruby xxx
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glad to know that you are feeling better and good luck with the new baby!
 
ps i just realised i'd missed some replies - thanks for the extra links and information - i'll have a look at the information you've posted.

and thank you so much for trying to pm me - i have no idea why i'm not receiving pm's or why i can't send them- my mailbox looks like it should be working. but i really appreciate you trying.

i'm going to disappear back into to lurk mode so that this thread will fade away as i wouldn't want to be constantly posting about my situation.

thanks so much again :)
 
I'll be praying for you too. There is no reason for you to go through all that. God will provide you a change. Maybe your husband may even change...anyway, i know it will be hard, but try to keep in good spirits, and take care of yourself your your baby's sake. We love you over here and will support you in the best plan you can devise for your family.
 
Awwww, *hugs*

I'll operate from the perspective you laid out. Between those two options, I would confront him. The reason, it puts you in a greater place of power. If you operate correctly you can (more than likely) turn his betrayal into a control mechanism on your behalf. Turning a blind away would not only not provide you with the above, but it would force you to internalize all of your feelings even more.

On a side note, if leaving the marriage is not an option, does he feel the same? Basically, if you demand separate bedrooms, is this something that would result in him choosing to leave the marriage?
 
SleekandBouncy said:
Awwww, *hugs*

I'll operate from the perspective you laid out. Between those two options, I would confront him. The reason, it puts you in a greater place of power. If you operate correctly you can (more than likely) turn his betrayal into a control mechanism on your behalf. Turning a blind away would not only not provide you with the above, but it would force you to internalize all of your feelings even more.

On a side note, if leaving the marriage is not an option, does he feel the same? Basically, if you demand separate bedrooms, is this something that would result in him choosing to leave the marriage?
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hello sleekandbouncy, thanks for replying. i did actually go ahead and confront him, but he's just denying everything. he doesn't want to discuss it and is claiming that i've misunderstood what i overheard.

he doesn't want to leave the marriage, not out of love, but because it would be a scandal to his family and friends. it's a cultural thing -his parents would be completely devastated and he's their favourite son. people dont' really get divorced where our parents come from. if he objects to me sleeping separately, i'll tell him if he's sleeping around with other women he's not sleeping with me as well.

i'm worried about the effect on our daughter-she often sleeps with us and lots of women have pointed out that living like room mates with your spouse would be upsetting for children. i'm trying to do the best i can for now, at least until i have the baby in a few months.

thanks so much for replying :)
 
no point...

Anyway almondruby I know you will rise above this, please be strong. The other ladies said everything that needed to be said so there's nothing for me to add.
 
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Im sorry your going through this especially during the time it is now. Being pregnant can have you on a rollercoaster of emotions and to deal with this is crazy (trust me Ive done it). Not sure if you've made a final decision but you need to confront him and as soon as your able financially move out. YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF...He's a serial cheater so he not changing and its no use in you being unhappy in a marriage for the sake of your children. Because if your not happy they're not going to be happy either. I hope everything works out for the best.
 
Please remember to delete you cookies/temporary files/internet history. You don't want him to discover your escape plans! I truly do hope that every thing works out for the better!

:yep:
 
almondruby said:
hello sleekandbouncy, thanks for replying. i did actually go ahead and confront him, but he's just denying everything. he doesn't want to discuss it and is claiming that i've misunderstood what i overheard.

he doesn't want to leave the marriage, not out of love, but because it would be a scandal to his family and friends. it's a cultural thing -his parents would be completely devastated and he's their favourite son. people dont' really get divorced where our parents come from. if he objects to me sleeping separately, i'll tell him if he's sleeping around with other women he's not sleeping with me as well.

i'm worried about the effect on our daughter-she often sleeps with us and lots of women have pointed out that living like room mates with your spouse would be upsetting for children. i'm trying to do the best i can for now, at least until i have the baby in a few months.

thanks so much for replying :)
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:)
It's definitely not something that's best for the children (IMO), but neither is an unhappy mother especially being pregnant. So you have to do that which will preserve your peace of mind, at least for right now.
As you stated, divorce is not an option, and it appears especially not for him. With that in mind, you have leverage. Once you've given birth (you don't want to stress more), I would get some hard evidence. Since it would be a scandal for him, getting hard evidence would not only give you leverage, but protection should you need it in the near future. It gives you clear grounds for divorce (even if you're just bluffing) and something he might fear (if you choose to tell him). In your situation, you never know when you might need all the feminine weapons necessary.
I would purchase a small tape recorder and/or cheap digital camera. You already know who he's sleeping with so you're half way there.

The other ladies have also given wonderful advice, especially in regards to legally protecting yourself, just in case. I would also go about carefully putting aside money, even if gradually (if you haven't already). Though you plan to stay in the marriage, you should have a plan B in case things should change.
 
Wow, AlmondRuby, my heart goes out to you. Be strong and try to do what is best for you and the baby right now. I don't really have a lot to add, as you have received some great advice in this thread, and even some from women who have been where you are.
I understand that there are a lot of factors at play here: your current pregnancy, cultural issues, financial concerns, etc. I just really hope you continue to set aside money and get things together so that you can be prepared to leave when the time is right for you. :bighug:
 
I have nothing more to eally add. Extending my prayers to you and your children. You all are the ones that really matter and whose lives will be affected by his indiscretions.
 
hello ladies, thanks so much for your posts. i wasn't going to post anymore to avoid bumping up this thread, but i worried that it would be a bit rude to ignore people who are reaching out to me.

i'm doing ok - a bit depressed but that's to be expected. nothing much to update really. a lot of the ladies were very concerned about the risk of HIV/AIDS and me not sleeping with him anymore.

i've already started sleeping in my daughter's room. he did ask me why this morning (after i heard him running around the house like a madman looking for me)-i thought about telling him the truth, then decided not to. there's nothing to gain by confronting him with anything and i don't want to stress myself with unnecessary arguments. i told him my back was hurting. i'll continue sleeping in her room (she usually goes into our room during the night) until the baby comes, then i'll move into the nursery.

i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow when i'll ask to be referred for a HIV test.

i've taken on the practical/legal type of advice some ladies gave me -i've been trying to gather together receipts for everything i've bought in the house and i've got the mortgage documents and other letters.

the main thing i'm having a problem with is finding a way i could make extra income at home with two young children around my main job. i've tried to look into "side hustles" before but couldn't find anything that didn't involved pyramid selling. i'm having the same trouble again. i'm not even sure where to look, but i'll keep searching and trying to find something suitable.

other than that i've become OCD about cleaning the house - but i'm looking at that as a good thing :)

thanks again for the prayers and advice - i really appreciate it :)
 
good. make him sweat. he is wondering what you are up to and sometimes silence is the best punishment.

as far as income, look into working at a daycare where they have kids the same age as your kids. some daycare places will let you bring your own kids along.

also look into babysitting. you could offer babysitting services for say single mothers who need three hours on the weekend to themselves. Not a lot of kids. One or two kids should be enough to a little extra loot.


almondruby said:
hello ladies, thanks so much for your posts. i wasn't going to post anymore to avoid bumping up this thread, but i worried that it would be a bit rude to ignore people who are reaching out to me.

i'm doing ok - a bit depressed but that's to be expected. nothing much to update really. a lot of the ladies were very concerned about the risk of HIV/AIDS and me not sleeping with him anymore.

i've already started sleeping in my daughter's room. he did ask me why this morning (after i heard him running around the house like a madman looking for me)-i thought about telling him the truth, then decided not to. there's nothing to gain by confronting him with anything and i don't want to stress myself with unnecessary arguments. i told him my back was hurting. i'll continue sleeping in her room (she usually goes into our room during the night) until the baby comes, then i'll move into the nursery.

i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow when i'll ask to be referred for a HIV test.

i've taken on the practical/legal type of advice some ladies gave me -i've been trying to gather together receipts for everything i've bought in the house and i've got the mortgage documents and other letters.

the main thing i'm having a problem with is finding a way i could make extra income at home with two young children around my main job. i've tried to look into "side hustles" before but couldn't find anything that didn't involved pyramid selling. i'm having the same trouble again. i'm not even sure where to look, but i'll keep searching and trying to find something suitable.

other than that i've become OCD about cleaning the house - but i'm looking at that as a good thing :)

thanks again for the prayers and advice - i really appreciate it :)
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Hey almondruby! The ladies have given you very good advice. I just want to encourage you to post when you need an outlet. I know you don't want to confide in too many people in your personal circle. So feel free to confide here - don't want you to keep things bottled up, especially during your pregnancy.

Keeping you and your's in my prayers:rosebud:

Also -- no need to reply to this post.
 
comike said:
Wow....I wouldn't want to be around the humiliation and disrespect that your husband has and will continue to have towards you if you continue to live together. I suggest you be very prayful about your decision. It's not my place to tell anyone to leave their husband. Although the bible say....... I know you stated that you weren't in a position to leave him but I'd suggest you seriously consider/plan what you might have to do if he leaves you.
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First, Hugs to you:hugs: I'm sorry you are going through this.
Second, pray long and hard about what to do. You said this isn't the first time he's cheated, and it probably won't be the last.

My uncle cheated on his wife REPEATEDLY, and she had 4 kids with this man! Four! In the end, they divorced anyway. Please don't do this to your family. I would definitely suggest getting counseling for yourself. I assume you are on his insurance since you don't work. Take advantage of that and get therapy, and at minimum, make an exit plan for yourself, if necessary. Under the circumstances you described, I understand why you wouldn't feel like you can leave. But you may end up having to (or he could leave you).

Back to my uncle: He was a serial cheater (as you describe your husband). His wife was beautiful and kind hearted, and the only thing she ever wanted from him was to be loved. She didn't need his money (her father was a businessman, and she had $$$), she was well-educated, a good cook, etc. The one thing she wanted, he just couldn't give her. But she stayed, and stayed. Even my family (not her family, but her in-laws) told her to leave him and that he was no good. My grandfather was super pissed b/c he NEVER cheated on my grandmother!:nono: He said how his son treated his family was the most despicable thing a human could do.

Be careful, your husband can give you AIDS! He may get one of these women pregnant, and you will have to deal with the financial and emotional consequences of that! Are you ready for this? Please, get counseling and an escape plan!
 
I'm praying for you and the health of your unborn child. No need to respond but please please do what is best for you, by doing whats best for you, you will do whats best for your children. Don't think that it is being selfish and forget the scandal get your plan together and execute! Look for a support group. Maybe since you are into cleaning you can try to clean for cash???


Need to reply i know your not trying to keep bumping the thread.
 
I am not expecting a response, I just wanted to let you know that you have an excellent outlook!

I know that your story will have a happy ending, you are very smart and driven and you will make it work for you and your children.

You and your babies are in my prayers:rosebud:
 
Leave him. He wasn't thinking about the sake of your family when he did what he did. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with YOU and only YOU. He did what he did because he figured he could keep doing it. He doesn't respect you, your family as a whole or your Marriage. Come up with an exit plan. Do it for yourself so you can be there for your children. If a man is not treating you like a queen and you find yourself crying, then you treat yourself like a queen and treat yourself like a queen always. How dare he cheat on you? And when your pregnant? I'm sorry that's messed up. Make him leave.
 
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