5 months preg-husband cheating

[envybeauty]

pm'ing............

 

[comike]

i understand what you are all saying - i definitely won't be having anymore children with him and i won't even be sleepiing with him anymore - that's where i got the idea of separate rooms.

also, i definitely planned on leaving him, but when i was more able to support myself. i am vulnerable at the moment being pregnant and having nowhere of my own to stay. i don't want to involve my family because they were involved when i left him the first time - and i went back.

my mother had a stroke recently and i don't want to stress her. also my mother once told me that maybe he was cheating because i wasn't "making the most" of my appearance. to her, his sleeping around wouldn't be a good enough reason to take my children out of a marital home. her mantra is "i don't want you to end up like me....."

Please don't believe that his cheating has anything to do with you. Evidently he has some issues, voids in his life that he's looking to fill but in the wrong manner.

 

[Keen]

OMG. You can't be too stressed because of the baby. I had my advice ready but now that you had to confront him, I don't know what to say. He is probably upset he got caught. He is trying to turn the table on you.

 

[Farida]

I don't want to be the person to start something but OP I find it strange that a married man with a kid and one on the way would be offering money to a female friend, or any friend for that matter without first discussing it with his wife. You said that he was telling her how to cover his relationship with him. It is all bad news. All the other stuff you said in your posts too just sounds bad. I say keep your money ready, and like I said, let us know if you are in U.S. or Europe so we can recommend some things to you.

 

[Mystic]

Wow, you are so trapped! I FEEL for you and I want you to know that it will get better. You have to do what makes your heart comfortable. I would develop an exit strategy and focus all my attention on that. I would confront him about it but I wouldn't leave the home just yet. I would sleep in separate rooms (some women are vicious enough to sleep with the guy and pretend as if all is well and forgiven and leave at the quickest when the right opportunity arise). I couldn't do that but to each is own. the bottom line is that if you are unable to manage on your own at the current time, do what works for you, stay. Do not turn a blind eye to the affair though because that might result in you having self-esteem and self doubting issues later on. Be strong and develop yourself so you can manage on your own financially. That will give you the boost/strength to leave the relationship if you decide to.

i'm so grateful some of you have replied, i'm crying as i write this. some of the reasons i can't leave are financial - i only work part-time and struggle as it is. however i'd be willing to struggle on my own, but my own childhood was terrible - i don't know my father and neither does my brother. my mother had many violent abusive men in the household when i was growing up.

other than being a serial cheater (this isn't the first time....) my husband has other "good" qualities. he phones constantly to check i'm ok during the day (and always has), though his family is awful, he is extremely respectful toward my mother and brother (always willing to help out etc), gets me anything i ask for (i don't ask for much, but he tries to please me in many ways). most importantly, he's very very hands-on with our daughter - he seems to adore her. i left him once already 2 years ago and he called my mother and begged to come back. the only reason i took him back was because our daughter would constantly ask where her daddy was and it broke my heart. he bought a new house for us to live in and we tried for nearly a year to get pregnant with our second child.....................and now this..............

 

[tylertown]

I will say a prayer for you also. Please know you can do things you never thought you could with God on your side.

Also, I want to add that married ladies are getting HIV at a considerable rate. Hubbys who don't use condoms with their wives and cheats can bring it back to them. Trust me when I say this is a very very real reality.

Consider that when you consider your strategy. Blessings to you and your children sweetie.

 

[Mystic]

I don't know what you are saying but if this is what you are saying then you need to get counseling ASAP. Not for the marriage right now but for YOURSELF! You are beaten down emotionally and you need the juice to get you back to the place where you ought to be before you can even think about what to do in your marriage.

also, i'm preparing myself for if he did leave me (savings etc), but i don't know if i can be the one to break the marriage. i don't even know if what i'm saying makes sense............

 

[cocoaluv]

My love is with you and my heart goes out to you. No woman should have to go through what you are going through, yet many of us do and have since the beginning of time (think of when Adam blamed Eve instead of standing with his wife ).

Whether or not you confront him, my advice is for you to take this as a turning point in your life. You had your first child under these terrible circumstances and are now pregnant with your second. If you choose to have a third, do not let that third pregnancy meet you where you are in your life right now. Whether or not you stay married to him is up to you, but your dependence on him must end--starting with the financial. You need to figure out what it will take for you to become financially independent and then start working on it. It may take years, but make sure that each day, you are pressing toward that goal. Do it for yourself but most importantly, do it for your babies. Raise your eyes to the sky and understand that you must be strong and able to stand on your own two feet, if only because right now, he can devastate you financially and emotionally if he leaves for one of the women he is cheating on you with. And don't think he won't. If he can cheat, he can leave. You are at his mercy. See that vulnerability you feel? Resolve to never feel it again.

I give you this advice based on my mother. When my mother was pregnant with her third child and my father was up to his usual antics (cheating and physical abuse), she decided to get her life together. She had left before but she always came back because she needed him. Her survival and her children's survival depended on my father's goodwill and his paycheck. She had two small children, a difficult pregnancy, and was very financially dependent on my father. But in her heart, she knew what she had to do. She went back to school and as her education improved, so did her earning capacity, and most importantly, so did her self-esteem. The sun no longer rose and set in my father's eyes. My father tried everything he knew to disrupt her studies (he left her several times with three children and no financial support, he would beat her, he kept on cheating, he told her family lies so that they would gang up on her etc) but she set her eyes on the prize. My mother was not even a college graduate when they married. Today she is not only a college graduate but also an attorney with a master's in law working on her PhD. My parents are still married (so, believe me you can do all of this without leaving if you don't want to) but you can trust that the balance of power changed the day my mother decided to see her husband for what he is and do better for herself. My life changed too because I found a hero and example in my mother that made me strong.

Honey, you have to be strong and realize that every moment is a new opportunity to turn it all around. Sit down and think to yourself: what can I do to put myself in a position of strength? Then do it. Your marriage is no marriage at all and you can no longer cast yourself and your children to the wind as you have been doing.

I totally agree with this. I say get seperate bedrooms and DO NOT ever sleep with him again. You dont know what kinda diseases he has and you dont need anymore issues going on at this time. Have this baby and quickly/quietly better yourself. GO.....RUN back to school. Get an associates/bachelors/trade certificate/whatever the hell ASAP!!!! You need something that will be able to increase your income. We women need to not depend on a man for financial reasons or else you will never break free. See this as a lesson that you need to learn from and teach your kids. Dont put up with peoples crap just because you dont think you cant do any better because honey you sure as hell can. Keep your head up and start a class or something now if you can. Focus on you and your kids ONLY from now on and as soon as possible get a divorce and file for child support/spousal support.

 

[tylertown]

i don't know how to quote posts, but thank you so much for the Maya Angelou post.

i don't think counselling would work - we had a family-intervention type thing to persuade me to go back to him last time for some reason society likes to think like a man and place that responsibility on the female when in fact that is on the spouse who cheated. In my mind once he cheats he's made the decision for both of us. Life and std's are to hard to deal with so cheating is out. and he couldn't admit to doing anything wrong Now thats a low life. There is no reason you should be or anyone for that matter with anyone who commits such an act as maritial cheating and can't even admit to it or apologize. That "thang" needs to be by himself. And trust if he keep on he WILL have an STD. .

he did say that i held onto past hurts and kept bringing them back up - this is probably true. this has affected our love life as i've usually avoided being intimate with him because of deep seated resentment. i never shout, argue or nag. but he has hurt me very badly in the past and it's put me off him physically. not that i think i've driven him into the arms of another woman exactly...........but.............Again, a man driven thought. No one drives anyone to cheat on their spouse UNLESS that person is mistreating him or her. Now if you had cheated yes I'd feel YOU were driven to cheat. But he is a fully capable individual who had the rudimentary aptitude to reason right from wrong. He made his decision to mistreat you. Now take care of you. He's just not on your level.[/quote]
Comments above in red.

 

[aqualung]

I would def'ly stop having sex with him.
I would NOT confront him anymore unless I had a way to support myself AND my two kids should he skip out on us. Don't bite the hand that feeds the 3 of you.
Do a cost benefit analysis. Righteous indignation won't buy pampers or formula. Is HIS insurance paying for your prenatal care?

WHETHER OR NOT you confront him, you should start amassing your own money so that you're ready to live indep'ly any time if he runs off with her.

he bought a new house for us to live in

Is the house owned in your name or his or both?
The cars?
Time to talk to a divorce lawyer WITHOUT informing your husband. Get a professional assessment of your options.

 

[almondruby]

thanks again for all the advice and replies. unfortunately i have to leave for work now and i can't be online at work (i'm a teacher). i'll respond as soon as i get back in around 9 hours. thanks again

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

My heart goes out to you. No woman should have to go through what you are going through, yet many of us do and have since the beginning of time (think of when Adam blamed Eve instead of standing with his wife ).

Hov! Interesting point! Men have been passing the buck since the beginning of time! They need to be held accountable for their actions.

You'll get thorugh this, almondruby!

 

[almondruby]

hello ladies, i just got back from work. i still don't know how to multi-post, but i wanted to clarify some questions from your posts:

• i live in the UK.
• he insisted the house was in both our names when we bought it.
• i own my own car.
  
• we don't have joint accounts and he is extremely secretive about money - i don't actually know how much he earns, though i do know it is considerably more than me.
• i didn't actually believe his story yesterday - i think i made it sound like i possibly did. i know he's definitely lying.
• i have already tried to book an HIV/STD test - couldn't get through on the line today, i'll try again tomorrow.

i'm actually hoping he'll leave me. in fact the last time i left him - he came home to an empty house and i hoped he'd be so enraged he'd stay away. i've also left temporarily before but he came to my mum's house to get me and she told me to go with him. another time he stormed out and disappeared for 2 weeks - i think he was expecting me to call him begging him to come back. when he didn't hear from me he called and asked to come back.

he definitely doesn't love me, but i'm not sure he wants the stigma of having a divorce. his parents have been married for over 40 years and he's his mother's favourite - she'd be totally scandalised and devastated if we divorced. we are West African background (though born in the West)-the culture is even if you hate each others guts, you stay together especially when young children are involved. even when a man is being openly cheated on and disrespected by his wife (i have 2 uncles like this) divorce is still virtually unheard of where children are involved. as many of my aunts say "we don't divorce, you just stay and raise the children....". maybe i've been slightly brainwashed by all this - i guess that's why i thought i'd be able to stay under the same roof as him and just "raise the children".

also, over the years he has offended and fallen out with lots of friends and family who know both of us and he actually has a lot of enemies. a lot of people would like to see our marriage fail. i actually think he wants to have it all - a loyal (stupid?) wife at home yet being able to lie and cheat and do what he wants outside. in fact, i think that's one of the main reasons he married me - he felt i'd put up with anything.

i've been feeling very ill over the last 2 days and seem to have caught a bad cold. i'm also having bad stomach pains. so i'm trying to take it easy. as many of you have suggested i will look after myself and bide my time till the baby is delivered. i won't ask him about anything else.

just wanted to thank you again for all your advice and support. as so many of you have showed concern - i will definitely update you with any happenings, i don't want anyone worrying about me. please keep me in your prayers - hopefully things will work out.

thanks again xxx

 

[lexi08]

hello ladies, i just got back from work. i still don't know how to multi-post, but i wanted to clarify some questions from your posts:

• i live in the UK.
• he insisted the house was in both our names when we bought it.
• i own my own car.
  
• we don't have joint accounts and he is extremely secretive about money - i don't actually know how much he earns, though i do know it is considerably more than me.
• i didn't actually believe his story yesterday - i think i made it sound like i possibly did. i know he's definitely lying.
• i have already tried to book an HIV/STD test - couldn't get through on the line today, i'll try again tomorrow.

i'm actually hoping he'll leave me. in fact the last time i left him - he came home to an empty house and i hoped he'd be so enraged he'd stay away. i've also left temporarily before but he came to my mum's house to get me and she told me to go with him. another time he stormed out and disappeared for 2 weeks - i think he was expecting me to call him begging him to come back. when he didn't hear from me he called and asked to come back.

he definitely doesn't love me, but i'm not sure he wants the stigma of having a divorce. his parents have been married for over 40 years and he's his mother's favourite - she'd be totally scandalised and devastated if we divorced. we are West African background (though born in the West)-the culture is even if you hate each others guts, you stay together especially when young children are involved. even when a man is being openly cheated on and disrespected by his wife (i have 2 uncles like this) divorce is still virtually unheard of where children are involved. as many of my aunts say "we don't divorce, you just stay and raise the children....". maybe i've been slightly brainwashed by all this - i guess that's why i thought i'd be able to stay under the same roof as him and just "raise the children".

also, over the years he has offended and fallen out with lots of friends and family who know both of us and he actually has a lot of enemies. a lot of people would like to see our marriage fail. i actually think he wants to have it all - a loyal (stupid?) wife at home yet being able to lie and cheat and do what he wants outside. in fact, i think that's one of the main reasons he married me - he felt i'd put up with anything.

i've been feeling very ill over the last 2 days and seem to have caught a bad cold. i'm also having bad stomach pains. so i'm trying to take it easy. as many of you have suggested i will look after myself and bide my time till the baby is delivered. i won't ask him about anything else.

just wanted to thank you again for all your advice and support. as so many of you have showed concern - i will definitely update you with any happenings, i don't want anyone worrying about me. please keep me in your prayers - hopefully things will work out.

thanks again xxx

Please see a doctor ASAP. This is way too much stress for you. I hope you feel soon better.

 

[sonce]

he definitely doesn't love me, but i'm not sure he wants the stigma of having a divorce. his parents have been married for over 40 years and he's his mother's favourite - she'd be totally scandalised and devastated if we divorced. we are West African background (though born in the West)-the culture is even if you hate each others guts, you stay together especially when young children are involved. even when a man is being openly cheated on and disrespected by his wife (i have 2 uncles like this) divorce is still virtually unheard of where children are involved. as many of my aunts say "we don't divorce, you just stay and raise the children....". maybe i've been slightly brainwashed by all this - i guess that's why i thought i'd be able to stay under the same roof as him and just "raise the children".

Oh Lord. My heart stopped when I got to the part in bold. You're west African. Don't tell me you're Naija. Good luck to you because you married a true west African man and you are in store for some **** indeed. You know full well that your husband's behavior is classically African and that no one is going to stand with you if you leave him. I am west African too and my mother's experience is just like yours (except hers involved physical abuse too). It won't get better, Almondruby, and you know this. You need to be strong and not look to this man for anything.

 

[Shardonay11]

First I like to say I'm really sorry that this happen to you. Find out if your husband love you, then talk about counseling. It is not safe for you to stay in a relationshop knowing that he is cheating, then is the era of HIV-AIDS. Married women in your position are the one caughting this dis-ease at alarming rates. I dont mean to scare you, but this could mean life or death for you. Cheating is not just physical and emotional disrespect, it is also spiritual.

I understand you want to give your daughter qualities you did not have growing up. In this process, you should not forget about the wants and needs of you. This is a hard time and I will pray for you and your, however, your going to have to reach deep down inside and do some soul researching.

STAY STRONG!

 

[Moonxyz]

Oh Lord. My heart stopped when I got to the part in bold. You're west African. Don't tell me you're Naija. Good luck to you because you married a true west African man and you are in store for some **** indeed. You know full well that your husband's behavior is classically African and that no one is going to stand with you if you leave him. I am west African too and my mother's experience is just like yours (except hers involved physical abuse too). It won't get better, Almondruby, and you know this. You need to be strong and not look to this man for anything.

sonce, your story is similar to mine, except that my dad actually gets along really well with my mom. He is a wonderful father an provider, and they make a pretty good partnership.
But most of their fights stem from the fact that he cheats and has cheated from day 1.
And don't think he'll stop any time soon, cause he won't.
And i feel you on the West African stigma. My Grand father told my dad, (when he married my mom), that our people don't believe in divorce. That says alot. (main reason why i doubt i'll marry an african ).

I can understand your dilemma, cause my mom has been and is still going through this.....
Pm me whenever you feel the need to .....

 

[sonce]

sonce, your story is similar to mine, except that my dad actually gets along really well with my mom. He is a wonderful father an provider, and they make a pretty good partnership.
But most of their fights stem from the fact that he cheats and has cheated from day 1.

An ubiquitous tale for Africans. I don't believe African men are more inclined biologically to cheat, but the fact that there is no social pressure to stay faithful, and cheating is even expected and seen as normal and masculine, means that the external forces that constrain men in western culture (and only barely at that) are almost completely absent for African men. It is up to the man himself to decide to be better...and we know how most people are when the only check on their behavior is their own good will.

And i feel you on the West African stigma. My Grand father told my dad, (when he married my mom), that our people don't believe in divorce. That says alot. (main reason why i doubt i'll marry an african ).

No, we do not. And that would be a good thing if it went hand in hand with an equivalent stigma against male infidelity and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it doesn't, so you'd better look really, really well before you leap into marriage in our culture.

OP, if you need to talk, feel free to PM me (in case you don't know how: click once on my username and then select "private message").

 

[almondruby]

Oh Lord. My heart stopped when I got to the part in bold. You're west African. Don't tell me you're Naija. Good luck to you because you married a true west African man and you are in store for some **** indeed. You know full well that your husband's behavior is classically African and that no one is going to stand with you if you leave him. I am west African too and my mother's experience is just like yours (except hers involved physical abuse too). It won't get better, Almondruby, and you know this. You need to be strong and not look to this man for anything.

yes - i only realised today that i hadn't explained my problem within it's cultural context. both of us were born in the UK but he lived in Nigeria as a teenager.culturally i have one foot in each camp - westernised but very culturally aware. my father refused to marry my mother after she had many miscarriages and has been with neglectful abusive men well into her middle age. i saw all this growing up and knew that i was never going to end up like her - and now look at me.

my mother says things like "whether i'm alive or dead, you must fight for your marital home and don't let another woman come in" - like i'm supposed to fight to keep a man who tells lies and cheats on me. the sad thing is, i can why she thinks that way - she was humiliated by my father and my brother's dad and feels my situation is "better than nothing". her other favourite saying is "look at all your friends getting older on their own - are they better off?"

i used to always read about how people repeat in their own relationships what they saw growing up and knew that i was too aware and informed to let that happen to me. i will have to leave my husband for my own sanity - i have always known that i will never have any peace for as long as i'm with him. i have really tried to do right by my daughter so that she ends up better than me - but i think i have gone about it the wrong way.

things will work out for me i'm sure - i've made some poor decisions and i don't want to feel like a victim.

thanks for replying

 

[envybeauty]

Oh Lord. My heart stopped when I got to the part in bold. You're west African. Don't tell me you're Naija. Good luck to you because you married a true west African man and you are in store for some **** indeed. You know full well that your husband's behavior is classically African and that no one is going to stand with you if you leave him. I am west African too and my mother's experience is just like yours (except hers involved physical abuse too). It won't get better, Almondruby, and you know this. You need to be strong and not look to this man for anything.

couldn't have said it any better than this...

OP...my heart goes out to you.

 

[sonce]

my mother says things like "whether i'm alive or dead, you must fight for your marital home and don't let another woman come in" - like i'm supposed to fight to keep a man who tells lies and cheats on me.

Yes, you are. Don't you know that your husband is the crown on your head, that the husband's home is a woman's place? Come on. I'm sure you've heard the sayings. Think hard before you decide to leave. Are you ready to stand up to not only him but also your families too? If you keep leaving and coming back, he will take you less and less seriously until your leaving means nothing. So, you have to really do this and be committed to face the opposition if you're going to do it.

i used to always read about how people repeat in their own relationships what they saw growing up and knew that i was too aware and informed to let that happen to me.

Do not be too hard on yourself. The social pressure put on us to get married at a proper age is real and it is strong. You are making plans instead of just laying down and taking it--that is evidence of your strength.

 

[Moonxyz]

@ sonce , you know what the deal is . Men are rarely if ever held accountable for their cheating ways. All they have to do is keep the other woman from getting pregenant.

Last year, i was having a discussion with my uncle and male cousins and they all came to the conclusion that all men cheated and that i, and other women would have to get used to it, or else we'll go from man to man and get a reputation of being a whore.

My aunt and sister (who both have partners who openly cheat) agreed with them and i should just be content with having a man that is a good provider.

Sorry but i call Bullsh*t, if i don't marry an african , than **** it.
Heck my fathers cheating ways have made me even more wary of unfaithful men, cause i know that if he cheats once, he'll cheat cheat again and again....
If you cheat , you are out, no second chances or any crap like that.


Oh and i meant that the Op could PM if she needed support and assitance

to the OP, i really feel sorry for you, i can't remember a story where a woman divorced the man cause of his infidelity.
Most of the time, it happens when he wants a new wife.
Your only bet is to drive him crazy and make him leave you ...
Either way, people in your community will try to place the blame on you, cause you are the woman...

Seriously, you should make a plan (5 year plan), get your education and finances in place, and start to detach yourself emotionally form him.

DO NOT have sex with him anymore, if he wants the goodies he needs to act right and get tested first.
and if he acts up tell him you'll be more than happyto tell anyone that wants to listen, about his extra marital affairs, and you are afraid to contact a disease, because of your unborn babay.

 

[CookieLAD]

You need to start making an escape plan if you want to leave. It may not be today that you can escape or even tomorrow, but maybe you could somehow save up a little bit here and there and then have enough to leave him later in the future, or at least have that option if that's what you want to do

This "seasoned" once married member agrees.....only you can decide when you're ready!

God bless you!

 

[tarheelgurl]

I agree with Spelmanlocks, you need to start making an escape plan. I know you struggle, but put a few dollars away somewhere. Even ask him for extra money and hide it. Get everything in order before you confront him so you won't have to deal with his family or yours.

Good luck.......

 

[firecracker]

Oh Lord. My heart stopped when I got to the part in bold. You're west African. Don't tell me you're Naija. Good luck to you because you married a true west African man and you are in store for some **** indeed. You know full well that your husband's behavior is classically African and that no one is going to stand with you if you leave him. I am west African too and my mother's experience is just like yours (except hers involved physical abuse too). It won't get better, Almondruby, and you know this. You need to be strong and not look to this man for anything.

I totally agree with the bolded and figured
The ladies here have given great advice as usual but only you/OP can decide what is best for you and yours. I hope things get better for you. Please try to stop thinking about this fool and think about your health!

 

[treybaby2005]

Even though I am kinda hating all men right now,I can't help but see how women feel about african men and their cheating ways.I feel so bad for you right now my heart goes out for you.I would say get a plan together and then make your exit.Its a thing called KARMA and it will come back on him.
My girlfriend married a african against what others thought and he cheated not even a year after they were married.Fast forward to now,she didn't leave him he left her.However his mother died in africa recently and he wanted to go bury her in africa(she was still there).Well he married my american girlfriend for his citizenship but let his renewal relapse even when my girlfriend said "you never know" if he needed to go back to africa.Well he does now and now because of his foolishness,he may get deported.Why because he wanted to be mean to my girl taking his name off of everything they had together lease,insurance,etc.So the only proof they have is the marraige license and she needs people to testify but noone will because of what he has done.My girlfriend still wants to help him.He has a newgirlfriend and everything on top of that he is getting evicted.He is getting all his karma back plus more I wouldn't even worry about it just have your plan.Everthing happens for a reason.

 

[chellero]

hello ladies, i just got back from work. i still don't know how to multi-post, but i wanted to clarify some questions from your posts:

• i live in the UK.
• he insisted the house was in both our names when we bought it.
• i own my own car.
  
• we don't have joint accounts and he is extremely secretive about money - i don't actually know how much he earns, though i do know it is considerably more than me.
• i didn't actually believe his story yesterday - i think i made it sound like i possibly did. i know he's definitely lying.
• i have already tried to book an HIV/STD test - couldn't get through on the line today, i'll try again tomorrow.

i'm actually hoping he'll leave me. in fact the last time i left him - he came home to an empty house and i hoped he'd be so enraged he'd stay away. i've also left temporarily before but he came to my mum's house to get me and she told me to go with him. another time he stormed out and disappeared for 2 weeks - i think he was expecting me to call him begging him to come back. when he didn't hear from me he called and asked to come back.

he definitely doesn't love me, but i'm not sure he wants the stigma of having a divorce. his parents have been married for over 40 years and he's his mother's favourite - she'd be totally scandalised and devastated if we divorced. we are West African background (though born in the West)-the culture is even if you hate each others guts, you stay together especially when young children are involved. even when a man is being openly cheated on and disrespected by his wife (i have 2 uncles like this) divorce is still virtually unheard of where children are involved. as many of my aunts say "we don't divorce, you just stay and raise the children....". maybe i've been slightly brainwashed by all this - i guess that's why i thought i'd be able to stay under the same roof as him and just "raise the children".

also, over the years he has offended and fallen out with lots of friends and family who know both of us and he actually has a lot of enemies. a lot of people would like to see our marriage fail. i actually think he wants to have it all - a loyal (stupid?) wife at home yet being able to lie and cheat and do what he wants outside. in fact, i think that's one of the main reasons he married me - he felt i'd put up with anything.

i've been feeling very ill over the last 2 days and seem to have caught a bad cold. i'm also having bad stomach pains. so i'm trying to take it easy. as many of you have suggested i will look after myself and bide my time till the baby is delivered. i won't ask him about anything else.

just wanted to thank you again for all your advice and support. as so many of you have showed concern - i will definitely update you with any happenings, i don't want anyone worrying about me. please keep me in your prayers - hopefully things will work out.

thanks again xxx

I haven't read all of the posts in this thread to know if someone has told you this already, but find the money. You should know everything about his financial picture so that you can get a lot of that money for children should you divorce. And you may be able to get some of that money to save towards becoming independent of him.

 

[Mystic]

You are a smart woman so in time, I know you will pull through and make the right decision. Just continue to listen to your heart - do not loose yourself in the situation; you are so much bigger and better than what you currently have!

thanks again for all the advice and replies. unfortunately i have to leave for work now and i can't be online at work (i'm a teacher). i'll respond as soon as i get back in around 9 hours. thanks again

 

[almondruby]

hello ladies, thanks again for all the replies. i took the day off work today as i couldn't face all the kids feeling so low.

my husband is acting weird-trying to be nice and maybe trying to suss what i'm going to do next.

unfortunately, all the comments that have been made regarding african men really ring true. i do actually know a few men who are married who seem to be loving and devoted to their wife and kids (though one can never really know what goes on in a marriage), but they are far in the minority. the vast majority of married people i know from back in africa and here aren't happily married. having kids outside, mistresses confronting and threatening wives, men lavishing money on girlfriends whilst their families go without, men bringing girlfriends to family functions whilst their wives are away- it goes on and on.

there's also the other serious problem the man's family disrespecting the wife-this i have experienced personally even from his younger siblings (though i made it plain to him a long time ago that i never wanted to see them again and that if he wanted to, he should go and visit them where they live).

in truth, i guess i never thought i'd be happily married because it's not something i've ever really seen. i'm an example of someone setting their standards too low and then not even ending up with someone who meets those low standards. i know i'm in no way responsible for his behaviour, but i have to accept some personal responsibility for the horrible situation i'm in now. things were blissful for the first 4 months, then things just got progressively worse. i should have left him long before he even proposed.

i've learned so much from lurking on the board since the summer - all the ladies experiences, good and bad. i really admire young girls who have the confidence and self belief that i never had. i hope that somebody will read this and realise that the old saying "marry in haste, repent at leisure" is very very true. the families meeting each other before the marriage, pre-marriage counselling etc are all very important. i'll never know now if i could have met somebody who shared the same values i did and would love me dearly.

i'm now at risk of either being abandoned for another woman or living the next few years in a loveless marriage whilst secretly plotting my escape. and even when i leave, there will still be the children to worry about and the effect on them. i was so desperate to avoid ending up like my mother and being yet another struggling black single mother. but it looks like i'm going to end up that way now anyway.

 

[Zuhus]

Hi AlmondRuby. I have been following your story since the first posting, and I admire your courage. Everytime you keep on reffering 'To the young girls out there" trust, you are speaking to me. I have opened up my ears and I am alert. I am 26 and single though I am now learning to appreciate it. Simply by listening to experiences like yours, I have now confirmed that you have to take your time and not fall for anyone who proposes, JUST BECAUSE. Coming from an African background myself, everyone is wondering what the heck I am doing studying my Ph.D YET still single . I was the type of girl that was never happy to be single. I was always in relationships simply to avoid being alone. Over time (and with reality of AIDS of course), I learnt that I have to first make ME HAPPY, before looking for true hapiness elsewhere. This is working well, and I feel happy and content with myself. I feel complete and I now have a new mentality that if THE ONE shows up along the way, I'd be more than happy to receive him. If not, well, I'm loving my life as it is and living each day with joy . Listening to your story has further confirmed that I really dont have to settle for less now then later on regret . No offense, but aloooooot of west African brothers have been proposing and all, but I only know better (though I'm from East africa, their reputation is known FAR and WIDE). Take heart, and for now, just take good care of yourself and your babies. Take it easy for the sake of your current delicate health. Also be very careful esp. about AIDS and all. I have you in my prayers. You are a good woman and I'm sure something will work out for you. Your husband should know that Karma is a real Beotch!!!