5 months preg-husband cheating
- Thread starter almondruby
- Start date
foxxymami
Well-Known Member
Just click on her username and then when you see the drop down list, select "Send a Private Message to almondrub"
tyte curlz
Member
um welcome to the board sorry this is your 1st post. but im glad the ladies have been able to give you some advice. I really dont have much to say bc its pretty much already been said. i hope you find the courage to leave and move on. your daughter is blessed that she knows both her parents. But i feel that you shouldnt stay with him in order for him to be a daddy to your children. U already said that you have no plans of being with him romanticaly. Your children deserve to be raised by love not tollerance. Even if its in seperate homes. Your children need to see their mother happy and you deserve someone that will love you back. Never settle..... please move on HTH
Good for you! Yes, keep your plans quiet. Even if they take years to come to fruition, keep them quiet! And this means not telling anyone who will tell him. Keep your own counsel and remember that you have your eyes on a goal. If he stops cheating for a while, don't let that make you relax! This isn't about him, it's about you and your children, and your ability to stand on your own two feet.
Suspects? He knows.
I think this is partly why my mom married my dad too. You are not alone and do not feel too badly about this. I think a lot of women marry partly or even solely based on fears of being on the shelf.
Love the two you have but please consider not bringing a third into it.
God bless you and give you strength! Keep us posted. I really love this board too.
nychaelasymone
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry you are hurting like this but trust and believe that if you take one step, God will take two-three-four-five steps for you. I can't even imagine just how scared and hurt you are right now but I'd just like to plea with you to put your trust in God. You will get through this. I'm praying for you and believe you will get through this.
Good advice.
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almondruby
Member
sorry again for not knowing how to quote posts - i don't know anything about how to set profiles or get pm's either...............
it's true i am dependent on my husband but what is really bad is that i only became that way after we married. i actually had a very good job, my own little house and car, circle of family and friends when he met me. when he proposed, because i was changing career and retraining - it made more sense for me to move cities to be nearer him. the cost of living is much lower where we are. i have always been very independent from very young. i also learned from a very young age not to rely on anyone (my mother is as flaky as it gets).
retraining, getting married and having a child immediately have somehow robbed me of the independence i used to have. i realised at the time that i would need to compromise, but i think i went too far. by comprising and being tolerant and understanding all the time, i think i gave the wrong impression. i think my self esteem is rock bottom as well - but i don't even know how it happened. i don't recognise myself anymore.
i actually tried to call of the wedding twice, but couldn't bear to disappoint anyone and i couldn't deal with the shame - i knew i was making a mistake but he was so keen to settle down and get married that i went along with it.
it would be so much easier for me to just blame him for being a sleazy nasty piece of work who is treating me badly. what really hurts is that i understand very clearly the part i have played in our "relationship" being what it is. i've been reading the "act like a goddess get treated like one" thread and i wish i had followed that advice. it's too late now - i thought i was being understanding and tolerant - all i was being was a door mat. i set the wrong tone at the beginning of the relationship and that is what i am reaping now.
i am in no way blaming myself for him actually cheating on me, but i did not hold myself to high standards at the beginning. he used to undermine me in many other ways that i eventually got tired of - these changed when i left the first time and went back. he said he hadn't realised how unhappy i was because i never spoke up or confided in him.
but as many of you have said, there is nothing i can do about him cheating on me.
it's true i am dependent on my husband but what is really bad is that i only became that way after we married. i actually had a very good job, my own little house and car, circle of family and friends when he met me. when he proposed, because i was changing career and retraining - it made more sense for me to move cities to be nearer him. the cost of living is much lower where we are. i have always been very independent from very young. i also learned from a very young age not to rely on anyone (my mother is as flaky as it gets).
retraining, getting married and having a child immediately have somehow robbed me of the independence i used to have. i realised at the time that i would need to compromise, but i think i went too far. by comprising and being tolerant and understanding all the time, i think i gave the wrong impression. i think my self esteem is rock bottom as well - but i don't even know how it happened. i don't recognise myself anymore.
i actually tried to call of the wedding twice, but couldn't bear to disappoint anyone and i couldn't deal with the shame - i knew i was making a mistake but he was so keen to settle down and get married that i went along with it.
it would be so much easier for me to just blame him for being a sleazy nasty piece of work who is treating me badly. what really hurts is that i understand very clearly the part i have played in our "relationship" being what it is. i've been reading the "act like a goddess get treated like one" thread and i wish i had followed that advice. it's too late now - i thought i was being understanding and tolerant - all i was being was a door mat. i set the wrong tone at the beginning of the relationship and that is what i am reaping now.
i am in no way blaming myself for him actually cheating on me, but i did not hold myself to high standards at the beginning. he used to undermine me in many other ways that i eventually got tired of - these changed when i left the first time and went back. he said he hadn't realised how unhappy i was because i never spoke up or confided in him.
but as many of you have said, there is nothing i can do about him cheating on me.
gone_fishing
New Member
You sound like you are perfecting an exit strategy. I commend that. No, I would not tell him or confront him but I would certainly document and harbor any evidence that I could get my hands on and put it away (you may need it for Court later). Until then, if you can handle it, just keep doing what you're doing until you can walk away. Sometimes not jumping the gun and planning is the best thing you can do in this situation. 
Start putting away money and if he has the only income or you have joint checking accounts, I'd gradually start skimming off the top and putting it into a separate account.
Start putting away money and if he has the only income or you have joint checking accounts, I'd gradually start skimming off the top and putting it into a separate account.
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almondruby
Member
also, i just wanted to thank all of you so much for your prayers and best wishes. you cannot possibly understand how comforted i am reading all your replies. i am definitely taking all you are advising on board and i'll keep you updated with any happenings.
MissScarlett
New Member
(((HUGS))) You should not be grateful for these things, this is what he IS SUSPOSED to do
He's a married man, he should take care of his wife and family. I am so sorry, I know this must be extremely hurtful for you dealing with this while pregnant.WOW. I don't have any advice. Can you start hiding/saving some money to get on your feet later? I know it would be hard to sit back and still exist with him knowing he's cheating.
almondruby
Member
You should not be grateful for these things, this is what he IS SUSPOSED to do
WOW. I don't have any advice. Can you start hiding/saving some money to get on your feet later? I know it would be hard to sit back and still exist with him knowing he's cheating.
hello MissScarlett, it's not so much that i'm grateful, just acknowledging that he's not all bad. though i can see how that looks completely ridiculous considering what he's doing - i guess it looks a bit like i'm trying to defend him.........
i am planning a long term escape and am saving as much as i can - but i wasn't sure about what to do in the interim. considering i'm pregnant now, it could be years before i can finally leave. everybody is saying there's no future in the relationship and i can see that that's true. i think i thought someone might think a marriage of convenience for the children's sake might work - but nobody agrees with this and i can see why after reading all the advice. thanks so much for replying - i do appreciate it.
I think that you should leave this man, but not right away. While you are broke and five months pregnant is not the time to walk away. Save some money, get a job (or go back to school if need be) so that you will be able to take care of yourself in the future. A friend of mine went to school for her real estate license because it didn't take very long and allowed her make money quickly. If you have a college education then getting certified to teach might be the way to go. Don't forget to take a minute to make sure that your credit is in order. You may need to rely on it for a minute. I'd also talk to a lawyer to get advice on your next move.
When you are ready then put him out of the house. You and the kids don't need to go anywhere. You haven't done anything wrong. IMO there is no need to tell him about the plan to leave him in advance. Pretend that you don't know and that you're happy in the relationship if that will make it easier for you to prepare to leave him. But I think that you need to leave him. Serial cheating is abusive. Paying bills and taking care of you and his child don't justify it. A good man does that AND stays faithful.
When you are ready then put him out of the house. You and the kids don't need to go anywhere. You haven't done anything wrong. IMO there is no need to tell him about the plan to leave him in advance. Pretend that you don't know and that you're happy in the relationship if that will make it easier for you to prepare to leave him. But I think that you need to leave him. Serial cheating is abusive. Paying bills and taking care of you and his child don't justify it. A good man does that AND stays faithful.
Almond Ruby, you are as precious as can be. I can't help but 'read' your heart in your posts.
With your permission, I would like to keep you in our prayers. You've already won the hearts of everyone here in the forum. We all care and want only the very best for you.
God bless you and know that you are loved very much and that you are surely not alone.
almondruby
Member
hello, thank you for trying to pm me - i managed to get into my profile, but i can't see where to change it from private. i'll try and work it and get back to you. thanks for trying.
almondruby
Member
oh no, i'm crying again. thank you so much for your kind words. i honestly wasn't going to post anything on the board - i only joined the board in the first place because my hair is so jacked up.
i've never posted on a forum before and didn't expect any replies. but i felt so alone after crying all night and i had no clue what to do for the best. i knew from all my lurking that there are many wise and experienced ladies on the board
but i wasn't expecting so much heartfelt advice and feeling. i don't really know what else to say, i'm so touched.
almondruby
Member
thanks for this advice - i'll definitely keep all this information and advice. thanks again.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
For your situation, this is exactly the right way to handle it. Also, start squirreling away as much money on the side as you can.
If you can, please see a lawyer, not necessarily to begin proceedings, but to get a feel as to what documentation you need to keep an eye on in case ole boy start getting ideas.
I wish I could hug you.
I hope things work out as best they can.
almondruby
Member
thanks for this advise also - i was already going to start keeping a log of his behaviour and phone calls as evidence if i needed it later. thanks again.
Almond Ruby, you are worth all of the love that this life can offer and even more...for you are worth all that Heaven has to offer and it's all for free. You don't have to lift a finger to earn it, just receive it for it is freely given.
No one possesses your soul. And your heart is still your very own to give to whom you choose. We here choose you as our 'designated' little sister who is not going to have to go through this alone. We're all here and we care about you and your babies.
Geee, I even care about your husband, although I'd like to choke him
. Nevertheless, you are worthy of God's best and that is my prayer that you will receive it all. You are not alone....
MissScarlett
New Member
RIght, I understand what you mean.
How old is your other child? Sigh....You seem like a sweet person, I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think it would be hard to keep up a fake marriage, I mean your children would see/feel that there is something wrong. I know that you will have to do this for financial reasons though. I pray he comes to his senses.
I wish men would think about their families first when they do stuff like this
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
In addition, watch the bank accounts make sure that his entire check is accounted for (direct deposit can go to separate accounts) and a reduced direct deposit 'can be' used as evidence to reduce child support. Also, you need to know what's going on with his 401k/pension/investments/change of beneficiary, etc. Keep on top of his money situation now, because if things get hostile between the two of you, it will be harder to keep a financial paper trail. There are certain things that a divorce lawyer will advise men to do financially ASAP, that's why I suggest you consult one to get a feel for what your husband may try and pull.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I'm so glad you understand why this isn't a good idea.
You have a daughter so you have to set the right example for her. Believe me, I know first hand how witnessing your parents' dysfunctional relationship can affect you.
I really hope you find the resources you need to get out of this situation.
(((HUGS)))
Wow AlmondRuby,
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I think everyone has given such great advice already. But I would like to reiterate that it is never too late to improve your situation. We are not put here on this planet to suffer. Sometimes life takes unexpected detours but I truly believe that it is only ever for our benefit. Were you to stay in this situation, what great things would you be missing out on?
I wish you the best of luck.
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I think everyone has given such great advice already. But I would like to reiterate that it is never too late to improve your situation. We are not put here on this planet to suffer. Sometimes life takes unexpected detours but I truly believe that it is only ever for our benefit. Were you to stay in this situation, what great things would you be missing out on?
I wish you the best of luck.
Farida
Well-Known Member
I noticed you said "flatmate" in your OP. Are you in the U.S. or in Europe. If you let us know your location, several women on this board know very many resources for women. In fact very many are catered to pregnant women or women with children. You may not have to stick around for finances.
There are also lots of legal pathways to open to compel him to support you financially.
Also, I know it sucks, but I think you should perhaps swallow your pride and go back to your family. I'm sure they will help. My family has told me several times, now that I am getting married, that I should never suck it up and stay with an abusive/adulterous man for financial reasons. They may say "I told you so" but they'll take me back in a heartbeat. It is worth a try.
There are also lots of legal pathways to open to compel him to support you financially.
Also, I know it sucks, but I think you should perhaps swallow your pride and go back to your family. I'm sure they will help. My family has told me several times, now that I am getting married, that I should never suck it up and stay with an abusive/adulterous man for financial reasons. They may say "I told you so" but they'll take me back in a heartbeat. It is worth a try.
almondruby
Member
***UPDATE*** my husband just got home from work and i was caught completely unaware. the second thing he said after saying "hello" was that our daughter (who is 3) had told him in the morning that i had been crying last night. he asked me what was wrong.
i was completely shocked - i had thought she had been sleeping last night. i leave for work much earlier than he does in the morning, so he drops her at daycare. i didn't realise she had heard me crying.
i had wanted to take my time before saying anything to him - maybe read over the replies again and think about whether to say anything to him or not. but i didn't get a chance. i couldn't even think of a lie quickly enough. so i told him a mild version of the truth to get his reaction. i basically said i had heard him the night before on the phone to a girlfriend and gave him examples of what i had heard him saying.
he seemed genuinely upset and started telling me about how i've taken what i heard out of context and explaining how the woman is a friend of his who's husband has abandoned her with 2 kids. he then went on and on, giving details about the conversation and how i had misunderstood - i wasn't really listening by then though. he then said that i should have confronted him last night directly and asked him who i was talking too. he could have been telling the truth i suppose, but most likely he was lying. i don't actually care anymore.
i just told him i didn't want anymore problems or stress and left to the kitchen. he's not happy - but i don't know why - that i caught him or that our daughter told him mummy was crying at night. or that i've wrongly accused him. i don't really care.
my stomach is throbbing terribly and i think i need to go to bed. thank you all so much for your hugs, advice, kindness and concern. you've all really comforted me in one of my darkest hours. i'll give you an update in the morning.
thanks again
i was completely shocked - i had thought she had been sleeping last night. i leave for work much earlier than he does in the morning, so he drops her at daycare. i didn't realise she had heard me crying.
i had wanted to take my time before saying anything to him - maybe read over the replies again and think about whether to say anything to him or not. but i didn't get a chance. i couldn't even think of a lie quickly enough. so i told him a mild version of the truth to get his reaction. i basically said i had heard him the night before on the phone to a girlfriend and gave him examples of what i had heard him saying.
he seemed genuinely upset and started telling me about how i've taken what i heard out of context and explaining how the woman is a friend of his who's husband has abandoned her with 2 kids. he then went on and on, giving details about the conversation and how i had misunderstood - i wasn't really listening by then though. he then said that i should have confronted him last night directly and asked him who i was talking too. he could have been telling the truth i suppose, but most likely he was lying. i don't actually care anymore.
i just told him i didn't want anymore problems or stress and left to the kitchen. he's not happy - but i don't know why - that i caught him or that our daughter told him mummy was crying at night. or that i've wrongly accused him. i don't really care.
my stomach is throbbing terribly and i think i need to go to bed. thank you all so much for your hugs, advice, kindness and concern. you've all really comforted me in one of my darkest hours. i'll give you an update in the morning.
thanks again
NewYorkgyrl
Well-Known Member
Great advice! But this is exactly why I don't think she should tell him. He might get suspicous if she is doing this activity AFTER she confronts him.
I think she should hold off on the confrontation. Take some money from the joint account and put aside in a private account. And add to it with her own earings, job, etc....
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
i want to pm you but i can't. I really want to talk to you because I have been there recently. If you can pm me or let me know how I can talk to you.
SexySin985
Well-Known Member
***UPDATE*** my husband just got home from work and i was caught completely unaware. the second thing he said after saying "hello" was that our daughter (who is 3) had told him in the morning that i had been crying last night. he asked me what was wrong.
i was completely shocked - i had thought she had been sleeping last night. i leave for work much earlier than he does in the morning, so he drops her at daycare. i didn't realise she had heard me crying.
i had wanted to take my time before saying anything to him - maybe read over the replies again and think about whether to say anything to him or not. but i didn't get a chance. i couldn't even think of a lie quickly enough. so i told him a mild version of the truth to get his reaction. i basically said i had heard him the night before on the phone to a girlfriend and gave him examples of what i had heard him saying.
he seemed genuinely upset and started telling me about how i've taken what i heard out of context and explaining how the woman is a friend of his who's husband has abandoned her with 2 kids. he then went on and on, giving details about the conversation and how i had misunderstood - i wasn't really listening by then though. he then said that i should have confronted him last night directly and asked him who i was talking too. he could have been telling the truth i suppose, but most likely he was lying. i don't actually care anymore.
i just told him i didn't want anymore problems or stress and left to the kitchen. he's not happy - but i don't know why - that i caught him or that our daughter told him mummy was crying at night. or that i've wrongly accused him. i don't really care.
my stomach is throbbing terribly and i think i need to go to bed. thank you all so much for your hugs, advice, kindness and concern. you've all really comforted me in one of my darkest hours. i'll give you an update in the morning.
thanks again
I am gonna keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything works out for you.
