5 months preg-husband cheating

[almondruby]

hello ladies, i am a newbie and i never thought i'd be posting here. i am desperately hoping somebody will reach out to me and give me some advice. i have been lurking here for months and months and i have learned so much from your life experiences and stories that i feel like i know you. though i am not known and my very first post is so desperate, i am hoping some of you will reach out to me and give me your opinions.

i am currently 5 months pregnant with my second child. last night i overheard my husband talking to another woman when he thought i was sleeping. from what he said the woman is his (female) cousin's flatmate and knows that he is married.

he was offering her money and telling her how they would cover up their relationship so that his cousin wouldn't find out and tell his family members.

this is my dilemma - i cannot leave the marriage for a variety of reasons.

if i know i am not able to leave, should i confront him with what i know? i do not want to be intimate with him anymore, but want to maintain the home for the sake of my daughter and my unborn child.

my purpose of confronting him would be to discuss us having separate rooms, but continuing to live together. the alternative as i see it is for me to just turn a blind eye.

i have nobody IRL who i can ask for advice and i am confused and unsure of what to do. i am not looking for pity or sympathy at all - i married thefirst person who asked out of desperation and i have paid a very heavy price for taking that decision. i married for the wrong reasons. i would really appreciate some opinions from other sistas on what you think i should do.

 

[deltagyrl]

Whoa that's heavy.

How long have you been married? Have you tried counseling? How long has this been going on? What does your gut instinct tell you to do?

I definitely think you should confront him. Get tested and get a plan b. Is there nowhere you can go for a little while to clear your head?

 

[comike]

Wow....I wouldn't want to be around the humiliation and disrespect that your husband has and will continue to have towards you if you continue to live together. I suggest you be very prayful about your decision. It's not my place to tell anyone to leave their husband. Although the bible say....... I know you stated that you weren't in a position to leave him but I'd suggest you seriously consider/plan what you might have to do if he leaves you.

 

[lexi08]

Do you mind sharing the reasons why you feel you can't leave?

 

[OrangeMoon]

I was just about to get my ignant on but...I'm just going to let a marriaged season sista address this. I'm just going to pray for you.

BUMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

 

[TCatt86]

I really can't offer you advice, but what I will tell you is to pray and get tested. You have to do what's best for your kids. I will be praying for you and your children.

 

[sunnydaze]

Do you mind sharing the reasons why you feel you can't leave?

Ditto. Please expand on why you feel you cannot leave.

 

[almondruby]

i'm so grateful some of you have replied, i'm crying as i write this. some of the reasons i can't leave are financial - i only work part-time and struggle as it is. however i'd be willing to struggle on my own, but my own childhood was terrible - i don't know my father and neither does my brother. my mother had many violent abusive men in the household when i was growing up.

other than being a serial cheater (this isn't the first time....) my husband has other "good" qualities. he phones constantly to check i'm ok during the day (and always has), though his family is awful, he is extremely respectful toward my mother and brother (always willing to help out etc), gets me anything i ask for (i don't ask for much, but he tries to please me in many ways). most importantly, he's very very hands-on with our daughter - he seems to adore her. i left him once already 2 years ago and he called my mother and begged to come back. the only reason i took him back was because our daughter would constantly ask where her daddy was and it broke my heart. he bought a new house for us to live in and we tried for nearly a year to get pregnant with our second child.....................and now this..............

 

[aja1121]

Do you mind sharing the reasons why you feel you can't leave?

Same here...... I know we all have this perfect idea of what a family should be, but did you think about the affect on your kids seeing mommy and daddy as roomates? No need to fake the funk, believe it or not, kids will pick up on that.

From personal experience, I think kids take separation and divorce much harder the older they are.

I would definitely confront him and have your plan b ready.

 

[deltagyrl]

i'm so grateful some of you have replied, i'm crying as i write this. some of the reasons i can't leave are financial - i only work part-time and struggle as it is. however i'd be willing to struggle on my own, but my own childhood was terrible - i don't know my father and neither does my brother. my mother had many violent abusive men in the household when i was growing up.

other than being a serial cheater (this isn't the first time....) my husband has other "good" qualities. he phones constantly to check i'm ok during the day (and always has), though his family is awful, he is extremely respectful toward my mother and brother (always willing to help out etc), gets me anything i ask for (i don't ask for much, but he tries to please me in many ways). most importantly, he's very very hands-on with our daughter - he seems to adore her. i left him once already 2 years ago and he called my mother and begged to come back. the only reason i took him back was because our daughter would constantly ask where her daddy was and it broke my heart. he bought a new house for us to live in and we tried for nearly a year to get pregnant with our second child.....................and now this..............

What if he leaves you? You deserve much better than this. I hope you realize it before it's too late.

 

[lexi08]

i'm so grateful some of you have replied, i'm crying as i write this. some of the reasons i can't leave are financial - i only work part-time and struggle as it is. however i'd be willing to struggle on my own, but my own childhood was terrible - i don't know my father and neither does my brother. my mother had many violent abusive men in the household when i was growing up.

other than being a serial cheater (this isn't the first time....) my husband has other "good" qualities. he phones constantly to check i'm ok during the day (and always has), though his family is awful, he is extremely respectful toward my mother and brother (always willing to help out etc), gets me anything i ask for (i don't ask for much, but he tries to please me in many ways). most importantly, he's very very hands-on with our daughter - he seems to adore her. i left him once already 2 years ago and he called my mother and begged to come back. the only reason i took him back was because our daughter would constantly ask where her daddy was and it broke my heart. he bought a new house for us to live in and we tried for nearly a year to get pregnant with our second child.....................and now this..............

I do understand. But his cheating on you and putting your life and children's life in jeopardy, this IMO is not a characteristic good man/father/husband. You have to consider your health and safety first. I don't mean to sound harsh, but cheating is bad enough as it is but your are 5 months pregnant. That's lower than low You may want to consider an exit strategy, if confronting him, counseling etc. does not change his behavior. You and your children deserve better than this. Please don't have anymore children with this man, it will only make it harder on you emotionally and financially.

I have been in a situation similar to yours many years ago. I did not stay with my ex-husband, I left and made it on my own with my son. I am not saying its easy, but you can do this too. I am praying for you.

 

[spelmanlocks]

You need to start making an escape plan if you want to leave. It may not be today that you can escape or even tomorrow, but maybe you could somehow save up a little bit here and there and then have enough to leave him later in the future, or at least have that option if that's what you want to do. I think you should confront the both of them, but this is not going to stop him from cheating in the future.

I don't think you should keep trying to have anymore babies with this man. Obviously he is not stable and it will only make it harder for you to leave financially.

 

[aja1121]

Here are some words of encouragement from Maya Angelou (if you need help with a PLAN B.....)

“A Woman Should Have”​

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a youth she's content to leave behind

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that
will make her guests feel honored

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a feeling of control over her destiny

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to fall in love without losing herself

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW when to try harder... and when to walk away

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips,
or the nature of her parents

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming
inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a
day ... a month...and a year...

 

[KathyMay]

I am praying for you, I have been there before so my heart goes out to you, maybe having a family member confront him without letting on that you know and maybe marriage counseling will work.

 

[almondruby]

thanks for the replies so far - i will definitely get tested - i actually made him take an AIDS test when i agreed to reconcile with him before.

i know i sound like such a victim, but i honestly feel i've gotten myself into this mess and now may have to tolerate it for the sake of the children - there were many red flags even when we were dating. if i'd known what was coming i would never have gone out with him. but he was so keen and i didn't think anyone else would want me at the time.

also, i'm preparing myself for if he did leave me (savings etc), but i don't know if i can be the one to break the marriage. i don't even know if what i'm saying makes sense............

 

[lexi08]

thanks for the replies so far - i will definitely get tested - i actually made him take an AIDS test when i agreed to reconcile with him before.

i know i sound like such a victim, but i honestly feel i've gotten myself into this mess and now may have to tolerate it for the sake of the children - there were many red flags even when we were dating. if i'd known what was coming i would never have gone out with him. but he was so keen and i didn't think anyone else would want me at the time.

also, i'm preparing myself for if he did leave me (savings etc), but i don't know if i can be the one to break the marriage. i don't even know if what i'm saying makes sense............

I feel for you I really do. But please please don't feel you have to put up with this type of treatment for the sake of the kids In the long run you are not helping them or yourself. Also, your husband may be picking up on the fact that you feel you have to stay because of finances, kids, thinking no one else will want you etc. Men use this insecurity to get away with things they should not. When some men feel you are dependent and insecure they will show out big time. Believe I know this from my past experiences.

He has already broken the marriage by cheating. He is a serial cheater, you are not doing your children or yourself any favors by staying. Again I don't mean to be harsh.

 

[almondruby]

i understand what you are all saying - i definitely won't be having anymore children with him and i won't even be sleepiing with him anymore - that's where i got the idea of separate rooms.

also, i definitely planned on leaving him, but when i was more able to support myself. i am vulnerable at the moment being pregnant and having nowhere of my own to stay. i don't want to involve my family because they were involved when i left him the first time - and i went back.

my mother had a stroke recently and i don't want to stress her. also my mother once told me that maybe he was cheating because i wasn't "making the most" of my appearance. to her, his sleeping around wouldn't be a good enough reason to take my children out of a marital home. her mantra is "i don't want you to end up like me....."

 

[tallygirl]

You will never be able to make your husband stop his cheating ways. That's his choice. You have no control over that and you can't make him love and respect you the way that you deserve to be.

From what you've said, I get the impression that he has never really taken his marriage with you seriously, as this isn't the first time he's strayed.
In my opinion, cheating is never an accident, and staying with someone who repeatedly cheats sends the wrong message to the children...sounds like he's taking you for granted because he knows he can treat you poorly and you will stay with him.

You stay with him because of your fears that you'll never make it on your own! Also, I'm sure that your self-esteem has been shattered and that's a big contributor to the fear you're experiencing. Sometimes fear has a way of keeping us in horrible relationships. I suggest that you pray for that leap of faith to move on with your life.

I hope you're not blaming yourself for his cheating. Remember, he is the one with the issues! You need to focus on yourself and your children. There is a saying that "You can't change him but you can change you!"

I definitely will be keeping you in my prayers.
My very best wishes to you!

 

[donna894]

Wow... I don't know what to tell you and I really wish I did. I have two friends who have philandering husbands. Maybe sharing their experiences will help you.

One friend had a difficult childhood, was in foster care since she was two years old. She clung to her husband b/c she was afraid to make it on her on as she had no family and has very low self-esteem. When her husband realized he could do whatever he wanted and that she wasn't going anywhere, he gave up his "nice-guy" persona. Today he still pays the bills and all, but he treats her like crap - comes and goes as he chooses and curses her whenever he feels like it. Her health has suffered greatly - migraine headaches, high blood pressure, anxiety, etc. Also her two sons, now grown, don't take her seriously and don't respect her. I wonder how they'll treat their wives if they can find a woman that will have them. But then again if they can find someone with low enough self-esteem like her, then they'll be in business. My friend was hoping her sons would see what a dog their father was and hate him, instead they are just like him.

My other friend was also totally dependent on her husband. When she got wind of his "extra-curricular" activities, she made a decision to stay in the marriage mainly because of finances, no outside family to help her and she didn't want to uproot her children. But she went to college, earned her degree and had him pay for it. She got busy getting her act together. She can't stand him but basically used him to get to where she needed to be. It was easier on her when he traveled a lot for his job - he was out of sight and out of mind. Sad thing is he feels terrible about what he did, but she doesn't care. She keeps him around because it works for her. Her love for him died a long time ago.

This is so new and fresh... It's going to take time to sort this through and figure out what's best for you and your family. And you don't need this kind of stress while you're pregnant.

I'm sending up a prayer for you.

 

[Shimmie]

Don't let the 'babies' be a 'crutch' which will only 'crush' you as a human being. You deserve better...period! He's not a good man...period!

If he wants to have you in his life, he has to 'earn' you and respect you and not just for a 'day', but for always.

I feel sorry for him and for the 'woman', for there is a unpleasant repercusion in the midst of them and God is shielding you from it.

Your husband KNOWS he's wrong. Tell him and then leave. Why torture yourself and degrade yourself any further. You are not a prostitute, you are his wife! Finances should not be the reason you feel you have to stay with him. Money isn't hard to come by. NO it's not! It's out there and trust me, God will either lead you to it or bring it to you and/or both.

There are certain things in life that should never be compromised and you deserve not to be disrespected in any light. Don't use your crutches to stay with this man any longer. If it weren't the 'babies' or the money, you'd use some other excuse to stay with him. You don't lose your life or your self worth over a stupid man's immaturity.

I made it, I left my stupid ex-husband who was ALWAYS up in some other woman. I left and had more money, more peace, more joy and more life, than I ever did. And so will you. Allow God to renew your life, your heart and soul and give you a man who is a REAL man. No matter what color he turns out to be, it's better than where you are now.

You deserve better and better is available in good men who do still exist.

Love and blessings to you, angel.

"Lord I'm leaving this man and this life of misery and I'm leaving with you to take good care of me and my babies." In Jesus's name, Amen.

 

[almondruby]

i don't know how to quote posts, but thank you so much for the Maya Angelou post.

i don't think counselling would work - we had a family-intervention type thing to persuade me to go back to him last time and he couldn't admit to doing anything wrong.

he did say that i held onto past hurts and kept bringing them back up - this is probably true. this has affected our love life as i've usually avoided being intimate with him because of deep seated resentment. i never shout, argue or nag. but he has hurt me very badly in the past and it's put me off him physically. not that i think i've driven him into the arms of another woman exactly...........but.............

 

[Peaches75]

You need to start making an escape plan if you want to leave. It may not be today that you can escape or even tomorrow, but maybe you could somehow save up a little bit here and there and then have enough to leave him later in the future, or at least have that option if that's what you want to do. I think you should confront the both of them, but this is not going to stop him from cheating in the future.

I don't think you should keep trying to have anymore babies with this man. Obviously he is not stable and it will only make it harder for you to leave financially.

I agree with this post. It seems he has a problem with staying faithful to you and if it was his first time then sometimes relationships can heal and move forward but he is a repeat offender and therefore this will always be a issue and you and your children deserve so much better because he not just cheating on you but he is cheating on his family. He is knowingly putting you and your unborn child at risk. You happened to be at the right place & time to over hear that conversation and it will be hard to go on like nothing happened. Start saving now and if I were you I wouldn't let him know I am leaving so he won't hold back financially and use that as a chance to make him pay without him knowing it and then when you leave file for childsupport, but while he is still here start asking for more and put it a aside.

 

[kgard7777]

Question if you don't mind answering how old is your husband?

 

[spelmanlocks]

If your children are witness to your spouse's cheating ways if may affect them a great deal. I once knew a guy that said he believes he mistreats women because his father used to abuse and cheat on his mother all throughout their childhood and it caused him to lose respect for his mother. I would be scared of my children growing up thinking cheating is normal in a relationship.

 

[TCatt86]

i don't know how to quote posts, but thank you so much for the Maya Angelou post.

i don't think counselling would work - we had a family-intervention type thing to persuade me to go back to him last time and he couldn't admit to doing anything wrong.

he did say that i held onto past hurts and kept bringing them back up - this is probably true. this has affected our love life as i've usually avoided being intimate with him because of deep seated resentment. i never shout, argue or nag. but he has hurt me very badly in the past and it's put me off him physically. not that i think i've driven him into the arms of another woman exactly...........but.............[/FONT]

But nothing this is not your fault. Please understand that. I agree with Spelmanlocks now that you know what's going on, start an escape plan, which you have already done. You seem to know what you have to do, good luck.

 

[Peaches75]

i don't know how to quote posts, but thank you so much for the Maya Angelou post.

i don't think counselling would work - we had a family-intervention type thing to persuade me to go back to him last time and he couldn't admit to doing anything wrong.

he did say that i held onto past hurts and kept bringing them back up - this is probably true. this has affected our love life as i've usually avoided being intimate with him because of deep seated resentment. i never shout, argue or nag. but he has hurt me very badly in the past and it's put me off him physically. not that i think i've driven him into the arms of another woman exactly...........but.............

It is hard to let go when someone hurts you so bad and don't feel responsible for him cheating because he should have never brought this type of situation into the marriage in the first place. He should have understood your hurt, anger & resentment and he should have work hard at earning back your trust & he should have realized that getting the marriage on track after him cheating takes time. Don't blame yourself at all and at this point it not about him anymore it's about you and the kids.

 

[SexySin985]

First off, welcome to the forum!



THERE IS NO REASON ON EARTH FOR YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU CANNOT LEAVE AN (EMOTIONALLY) ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!!

You truly do not need that kind of lifestyle... And for that matter no woman does. And most importantly your children DO NOT need to see it

You are worth so much more than what your husband is giving you. Please do not turn the blind eye. I think that is the worst thing a woman can do in a relationship where the spouse is cheating.

Please get out now! I dunno if you believe in God or not but he will never give you more than you can handle. You can make it on your own.... It will be hard but please believe you can do it!

Either way, we are all here for you

 

[almondruby]

my husband is 36 and i am 32 - we are in our fifth year of marriage. thanks so much for all the replies and stories - i don't have anyone to discuss any of this with - i am so touched with the replies you have given.

i am already in the process of saving a nest egg and have quite a bit - i'll need more now that i'm pregnant again. that's one reason why i'm not sure about confronting him - maybe it'd be better for me to keep quiet and plan my escape.

also, it's very true that he probably suspects that i can't leave him - my brother said as much before i left him the first time " he thinks you can't do anything now that you're newly married with a baby - he thinks he can do what he wants".

i met him when i was 26 and i didn't think i'd meet anyone else - none of the girls grew up with are married and i felt i was on the shelf. with hindsight i can see how stupid i was and i hope my story is a cautionary tale to somebody out there.

i'll never know now if i could have met somebody who'd love and cherish me. and now i've brought 2 children into this mess.

going from your collective advice i think i will confront him just for my own piece of mind. if he is planning to continue cheating and maybe leave me, it's better that i know up front

i feel so much better and i cant' thank you enough for all your support and advice.
i only wish i had people like you around me IRL. to have so much empathy and concern for a total stranger is truly touching.

 

[sonce]

My heart goes out to you. No woman should have to go through what you are going through, yet many of us do and have since the beginning of time (think of when Adam blamed Eve instead of standing with his wife ).

Whether or not you confront him, my advice is for you to take this as a turning point in your life. You had your first child under these terrible circumstances and are now pregnant with your second. If you choose to have a third, do not let that third pregnancy meet you where you are in your life right now. Whether or not you stay married to him is up to you, but your dependence on him must end--starting with the financial. You need to figure out what it will take for you to become financially independent and then start working on it. It may take years, but make sure that each day, you are pressing toward that goal. Do it for yourself but most importantly, do it for your babies.

 

[foxxymami]

almondruby and welcome

My heart was hurting reading your OP. The ladies have given some excellent advice, and I hope you find the right thing to do for you and your little one(s)