You’ve sacrifice a lot… Does he owe you?
- Thread starter Kinkyhairlady
- Start date
Aviah
Well-Known Member
I'm still stuck on "I'll give YOU a baby when you get a job"...
Since when is a baby a gift from a man to a woman? Its either you want kids together or you don't, those words seem like he's doing her a favor or something...
In any case I do hear them waiting to have kids on the financial and marriage front. After all, he would have to support them both on his own, and if you've only been back together one year it does seem soon...
Since when is a baby a gift from a man to a woman? Its either you want kids together or you don't, those words seem like he's doing her a favor or something...
In any case I do hear them waiting to have kids on the financial and marriage front. After all, he would have to support them both on his own, and if you've only been back together one year it does seem soon...
daydreem2876
carpe diem
First, what is her priority having a baby or finding the right position. There are plenty of jobs out there and bring in extra money where you dont have to work during the day and still be availible to look for more gainful employment (people kill me with they are waiting for the right job but have no money). So if she wants a baby then she wants to get a job, bottom line.
Now, if she chose to make sacifices for the sake of her marriage, then they are just that not IOU's. Not saying its right or its fair but thats the way the cookie crumbles within marriage (I would think
). Otherwise, the relationship is just breeding resentment and anger. Why be bothered with all of that? If thats how she thinks, she should have gotten a divorce when he first left.
Now, if she chose to make sacifices for the sake of her marriage, then they are just that not IOU's. Not saying its right or its fair but thats the way the cookie crumbles within marriage (I would think
). Otherwise, the relationship is just breeding resentment and anger. Why be bothered with all of that? If thats how she thinks, she should have gotten a divorce when he first left.
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DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
^^^I really like this... I was trying to work with the husband til the baby got there, but your cut-throat advice is much more appealing! I totally freakin agree!
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
This whole thing sounds like a TOTAL lack of communication and unmet/unverbalized expectations. IF he was so sure that she'd find a good job where he was, then something should have been discussed about the alternative if she didn't (which she obviously didn't). There should have been no assumptions at all on either side. She should've made sure that them having a baby wasn't contingent upon her working first.
In this case, I think she did herself a disservice, unless there was great communication/understanding and being in complete agreement with the whole situation. The longer I'm in a relationship, the more I realize how important EFFECTIVE communication is in a relationship. It's probably one the single most, intangible things that kills relationships the most.
I don't see this relationship being salvageable unless both are ready to put in some time and communication efforts into building there relationship back up.
ETA: It seems like she needs to decide her priorities. Either she wants the good job or she wants the child. If she doesn't prioritize soon, she may get neither. But, I wouldn't advise bringing a baby into this situation.
In this case, I think she did herself a disservice, unless there was great communication/understanding and being in complete agreement with the whole situation. The longer I'm in a relationship, the more I realize how important EFFECTIVE communication is in a relationship. It's probably one the single most, intangible things that kills relationships the most.
I don't see this relationship being salvageable unless both are ready to put in some time and communication efforts into building there relationship back up.
ETA: It seems like she needs to decide her priorities. Either she wants the good job or she wants the child. If she doesn't prioritize soon, she may get neither. But, I wouldn't advise bringing a baby into this situation.
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firecracker
Well-Known Member
If he promised her they would start working on a family if she relocated then he does owe her some super sperm so she can get impregnated. If he didn't have conditions and requirements about a job when he made that promise he is dead wrong.
Did she say if they ever discussed her being a sahm or a working mom?
Did she say if they ever discussed her being a sahm or a working mom?
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
firecracker said:
Her intention was to get a job so sahm was never an option. I'm not sure what she's gonna do. She said she's not leaving him even though it feels like that is what he wants her to do. I personally would bounce and come back to my old job. If he really cares he'll follow.
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
Bingo. He's wrong for having an attitude and she's wrong for being optimistic when she should have been realistic.
ETA:
Yup.
Folks are FOREVER thinking things will magically fall into place and then act all kinds of crazy when they (predictably) don't.
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Bnster
New Member
He sounds like an emotional abuser. It sounding like "I will love you if...." in this case get a job and then I will allow you to have our baby. It sounds like he is playing God exerting his power over life. SMH
So what is next, when he wants something, what will he withhold? She needs to watch out for that from him. Yet both need to grow up and talk like adults and resolve the financial concerns. Maybe he can do a second job; she can get any job/ though aim for something she wants and can live with, they can reduce their finances and live minimally. They should look at the impacts on their lives with the many options available to them?
One fact that must be considered seriously, her clock is ticking to safely have a healthy baby. The real question is do they truly want a child? To me it doesn't look like it with this issue unresolved going on for a year.
They both had expectations on rekindling their relationship and neither has fulfilled their bargain. I wish them luck.
As to OP question, it would be really nice but not necessary if my endeavours has not been recognized and been paid back. I stop and breathe and change my mindset then walk away from the situation and call it a lost, but I keep it in the back of my mind to learn from it. I give and never truly expect anything back. If it does bonus.
Sometimes I feel passive to think that way. For me it is better than having negative emotions from dwelling on what I am supposedly owed, I could have said no, I had the choice period.
So what is next, when he wants something, what will he withhold? She needs to watch out for that from him. Yet both need to grow up and talk like adults and resolve the financial concerns. Maybe he can do a second job; she can get any job/ though aim for something she wants and can live with, they can reduce their finances and live minimally. They should look at the impacts on their lives with the many options available to them?
One fact that must be considered seriously, her clock is ticking to safely have a healthy baby. The real question is do they truly want a child? To me it doesn't look like it with this issue unresolved going on for a year.
They both had expectations on rekindling their relationship and neither has fulfilled their bargain. I wish them luck.
As to OP question, it would be really nice but not necessary if my endeavours has not been recognized and been paid back. I stop and breathe and change my mindset then walk away from the situation and call it a lost, but I keep it in the back of my mind to learn from it. I give and never truly expect anything back. If it does bonus.
Sometimes I feel passive to think that way. For me it is better than having negative emotions from dwelling on what I am supposedly owed, I could have said no, I had the choice period.
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