You’ve sacrifice a lot… Does he owe you?

[Kinkyhairlady]

I’m curious on hearing what some of the thoughts are when you sacrifice a lot for a relationship do you feel that person owes you? Like there are things they will need to put up with because you did xyz for them back whenever?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is going through some marital issues. She was married for over 10 years and her DH left her for about 3 years but they reunited this past year. Now they are facing some issues because she relocated to be with him in another state and has not been able to find work for over a year. She wants a child but he is like I’ll give you a child when you get a job. So she was telling me this and I said yes it is true children are expensive and he may feel that it will be too much to care for you and the child. I’m no expert but that is what I think. Then she says no he owes me! I’m still like why, and she says he made me leave my job to move here so if it takes me 10 years to find a job oh well!

She refuses to do any kind of job just to bring in cash into the house so she will just wait until the right job comes along (I don't blame her on that). Now again I’m no relationship expert but I feel like even if I do something for anyone I do it cause I want to and you do not owe me a darn thing. I personally feel she should of looked for a job before relocating but at the same time I see her point, that is her husband and he should be providing but now he is acting like he needs her to start pulling her weight. I have to admit I used to think that my ex’s owed me cause I did this and that for them but I quickly learned some people are selfish and men in particular don’t care what you did or how much you suffered for them when certain challenges come into their lives. We tend to ponder on the past why they are living in the present and whatever you did back then does not really count. Just my opinion from my experiences.

 

[SoopremeBeing]

I don't like to be that person who is like "I did this, that, and the other for you, so *** you, pay me," but there definitely needs to be a balance and a mutual recognition for the sacrifice.

I also relocated somewhat for a relationship (30% relationship, 70% due to job and education issues, as I was planning on moving anyway), but the job search was MY issue. Not sure if I agree with her outlook on the job search. She should have set up interviews or started networking before she moved. But that's just my OP. BUT at the same time, I do agree on not taking any old job, because she made end up working long hours and still not making enough money. That can put stress on anyone, especially if its a job you hate.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I don't like to be that person who is like "I did this, that, and the other for you, so *** you, pay me," but there definitely needs to be a balance and a mutual recognition for the sacrifice.

I also relocated somewhat for a relationship (30% relationship, 70% due to job and education issues, as I was planning on moving anyway), but the job search was MY issue. Not sure if I agree with her outlook on the job search. She should have set up interviews or started networking before she moved. But that's just my OP. BUT at the same time, I do agree on not taking any old job, because she made end up working long hours and still not making enough money. That can put stress on anyone, especially if its a job you hate.

I do have to mention she has gone to several interviews and she has'nt gotten call backs. He is wanting her to just take anything that she gets but I think that is unfair especially that her prior positions were what she enjoyed but only left to be with him. The contradictory thing about this is that he don't want to get her pregnant due to work but chances are when she has the baby she will have to stop working anyways. he also promised her he would work on starting a family when she located. He is breaking all his promises because she still has not worked. When he was not working she was sending money to him to help out even if they did not live together at the time. He has seem to forget all that I guess.

 

[SoopremeBeing]

Ok I have a bit more info now...has she spoken to him about supporting him when he was unemployed? They really should have ironed all this out before she left. In his defense, she should have set up something in regards to her employment before she left, even going to a temp agency. But in HER defense, he should know how difficult the job market is and has been.

And I feel some kinda way about what he said about the baby. Sounds like a reverse threat in a way...

 

[caltron]

Whether it's right or wrong, I think you have to make decisions on what sacrifices you're going to make for the sake of a relationship with the assumption that you will never be repaid for them.

In this case, I do think the man has a valid point about whether they are in a position financially to care for a child. He may feel like he owes his woman for all the sacrifices she's made, but may feel like he owes a bigger obligation to the child they're thinking of bringing into the world. So I think her bringing up all of her sacrifices may not be fighting fair.

 

[faithVA]

It sounds more like she owes herself. She needs to work out what she needs to do for herself before she has a baby. Based on the OP only, it sounds like she is compromising but he is not. Having a baby at this point will just bring any unresolved issues more to the forefront. And it sounds like they may have deeper issues than just finding a job.

If she relocated so that he could get a position, I think in this market giving her 1 year to find something comparable is unreasonable. I think she should hold to her guns and try to find something more appropriate for herself. 10 years is unreasonable though. If she takes something she doesn't like and then has a child, she may feel even more stuck in a position. Why add that additional stress

 

[caltron]

I do have to mention she has gone to several interviews and she has'nt gotten call backs. He is wanting her to just take anything that she gets but I think that is unfair especially that her prior positions were what she enjoyed but only left to be with him. The contradictory thing about this is that he don't want to get her pregnant due to work but chances are when she has the baby she will have to stop working anyways. he also promised her he would work on starting a family when she located. He is breaking all his promises because she still has not worked. When he was not working she was sending money to him to help out even if they did not live together at the time. He has seem to forget all that I guess.

I think I am leaning more toward his side now. He wants to give her a child, but is worried about their finances, which is reasonable. I don't understand why she would leave a job that she loved to be with him, but then get picky about new jobs she would take on--especially if she is going to quit anyway and it's just for the money.

I think she thinks she feels like she has given up more to make the relationship work and is feeling too resentful to make reasonable compromises now.

 

[sunnieb]

In light of the recent turmoil in their marriage, a baby shouldn't even be on the table right now.

I'm sorry, but HE left HER for 3 years and they've only been back together for a year. They need to solidify their marriage relationship first and foremost.

Da hell was he out there doing for 3 years anyway???

Sent from my Comet using LHCF

 

[Whimsy]

Sounds like there's a lot of resentment and foolish choices.

I always tell DH he owes me my dream house and truck because we're going to go through several years of brokedom when he's in school and I'm the breadwinner/homemaker.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Ok I have a bit more info now...has she spoken to him about supporting him when he was unemployed? They really should have ironed all this out before she left. In his defense, she should have set up something in regards to her employment before she left, even going to a temp agency. But in HER defense, he should know how difficult the job market is and has been.

And I feel some kinda way about what he said about the baby. Sounds like a reverse threat in a way...

She has brought up what she's done for him but its just triggers a bigger argument. She had a very well paying job and he told her she would be able to find even better if she moved. she def was hesitant but he persuaded her. His whole reason for not moving to be with her was because of work. He said he would not be able to find a good job and did not want to leave his family. Well my friend left her family and job and now he is treating her like a stranger in the house. I feel bad because she said she does not ask him for no money and he as credit cards etc but in fear that he will embarass her she just uses her savings to buy little things. Also the thing about the baby goes deeper because she has a medical issue where she needs to operate and her doctor adviced her if she is going to have a child she needs to do it quick. she is also near 40 so her husband knows all this and still being a jerk.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Both aren't correct and both need to divorce. That marriage is doomed from the jump. If she does any ole job there will never be enough money thus never having a baby. If she does get knocked up then she will still be stuck out there with the baby because he won't be of any help. That is a loveless marriage. The fact that she had to move to be with him and that they had such issues shows too much negative than positive. I am happy they didn't have a child because that would be a sad home.

 

[RocStar]

Nobody owes anyone anything in life.

 

[Tolle]

Nobody owes anyone anything in life.

This!! I'm trying to instill this very thing in my child. Know this and live life accordingly.. I wish I'd learned this early on.

 

[Mortons]

I'm not gonna say that a person ever owes me, but my wealthy professor told me to never leave a relationship without both a lesson AND something tangible on their dime. I take her advice

 

[LongLeggedLife]

I wouldnt say 'owed' but, yes I would have that expectation.

 

[RocStar]

I have never understood the "I don't want to take just any job." I understand that sentiment in the beginning of a job search, but a year out...isn't some money coming in better then no money coming in?

 

[faithVA]

I have never understood the "I don't want to take just any job." I understand that sentiment in the beginning of a job search, but a year out...isn't some money coming in better then no money coming in?

In this situation, I would not have left a job I liked to move to some place to just take any job. If he knew I had a good job that I liked, then the conversation would have been that I would be looking for something comparable. But that would have been understood. If he could not afford to handle the expenses while I was looking for what I wanted, then it would have made more sense to stay where I was until money was saved.

To take any job, we would have to be struggling.

But this applies to just this scenario. There are scenarios where I would think it appropriate to just take any job.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

In this situation, I would not have left a job I liked to move to some place to just take any job. If he knew I had a good job that I liked, then the conversation would have been that I would be looking for something comparable. But that would have been understood. If he could not afford to handle the expenses while I was looking for what I wanted, then it would have made more sense to stay where I was until money was saved.

To take any job, we would have to be struggling.

But this applies to just this scenario. There are scenarios where I would think it appropriate to just take any job.

I think she believed he'd support her and they'd have a child by now but she was wrong.

 

[faithVA]

I think she believed he'd support her and they'd have a child by now but she was wrong.

I know. I was just responding to Not wanting to taking any type of job. If I was leaving a good job, I would expect to be supported to. Now how long? It would depend on what he did, what we had saved up. But because of what I do, it would be understood that I want to remain in my field in something that is appropriate.

 

[DarkJoy]

This is why you don't go back to an ex.

My views are always on the pragmatic. In this situation (being almost 40 myself) I can understand how she wants a child NOW--her time is really up. I also understand how her med issues force that to even more urgency.

If I were her, just being practical, I'd take any old job for the insurance and FMLA for the labor and delivery. Have the kid and find a new job after the FMLA is up. That could be, what? 2 years? It's not a long time, really, especially for the joys of a child.

And hell, perhaps divorce that man after all that. Doesn't sound like he really cares or is putting in his all. She was being silly for uprooting her whole life for an ex...

 

[tinkat]

No one owes anyone anything! In life we all make sacrifices. We have to decide if the sacrifice is worth doing so, but it is YOUR decision in the end.

When we do things, it is important that we do it out of the goodness of our heart and NOT expect anything in return. That is how feelings get hurt. Because someone did not respond in the way that you EXPECTED them to.

I understand that she wanted to move to be with her husband but he has a very valid point of wanting to wait until they are financially sound to have a child. Since they are trying to rebuild their relationship I think that it is definitely important to wait. He right now has the voice of reason. It may have been better if she waited to move to him (prepared a little more).

 

[MochaMooch]

I have never understood the "I don't want to take just any job." I understand that sentiment in the beginning of a job search, but a year out...isn't some money coming in better then no money coming in?

Thank you! My thoughts exactly. Beggars can't be choosers.

 

[pearcey]

...I feel like even if I do something for anyone I do it cause I want to and you do not owe me a darn thing.

OT: great quote, does not apply to my marriage AT ALL however. .. LOL

 

[pearcey]

When we do things, it is important that we do it out of the goodness of our heart and NOT expect anything in return. That is how feelings get hurt. Because someone did not respond in the way that you EXPECTED them to.

QUOTE]

OT: Even though this is about a specific relationship issue, your words speak so much truth. If only others really took a look at themselves and lived this statement accordingly, there wouldn't be so many hurt feelings due to trying to kiss *** and hoping to get a reward in the end.

something as saying, "good morning" and expected a response in exchange should really make a person question why they are doing what they do. if you do something out of sheer desire/wanting to do it, then do it, but don't expect kudos or anything in return... basic and offbeat but true.

I know the dynamics of marriage may make others think such union is an exception to the rule - but it isn't. You do what you want to make your mate happy, but not at the expense of losing yourself.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

This is why you don't go back to an ex.

My views are always on the pragmatic. In this situation (being almost 40 myself) I can understand how she wants a child NOW--her time is really up. I also understand how her med issues force that to even more urgency.

If I were her, just being practical, I'd take any old job for the insurance and FMLA for the labor and delivery. Have the kid and find a new job after the FMLA is up. That could be, what? 2 years? It's not a long time, really, especially for the joys of a child.

And hell, perhaps divorce that man after all that. Doesn't sound like he really cares or is putting in his all. She was being silly for uprooting her whole life for an ex...

This is a good idea I'll suggest it. I told her do something like a cvs for now and she's like that's below her. I know cvs got good benefits too. She went back to him cause that was her first love and husband. She thought he changed but she's now regretting her decision. I always say if a man wants you enough that he will make the most sacrifices.

 

[faithVA]

This is a good idea I'll suggest it. I told her do something like a cvs for now and she's like that's below her. I know cvs got good benefits too. She went back to him cause that was her first love and husband. She thought he changed but she's now regretting her decision. I always say if a man wants you enough that he will make the most sacrifices.

It is a good suggestion. If she wants a child bad enough she may have to do it that way. It's just a bad spot to be in at that point. Now you have a job you don't like, a husband that isn't working out and a baby that has to be cared for. I wish her the best.

 

[MizAvalon]

She played herself by uprooting her life for this man. With that kind of history she should have secured employment before moving. That is a shaky relationship that probably won't last and now she's out of a job.

If he's that pressed about her taking any old job then that tells me that having a child on his salary alone wouldn't be smart financially. Can't say I blame him. This economy is no joke right now. Really not a good idea to be having a child you can't afford right now. There is never really a good time for that but right now is an especially bad time.

 

[DarkJoy]

This is a good idea I'll suggest it. I told her do something like a cvs for now and she's like that's below her. I know cvs got good benefits too. She went back to him cause that was her first love and husband. She thought he changed but she's now regretting her decision. I always say if a man wants you enough that he will make the most sacrifices.

I'm not religious, but there are many things that ring true. Remind your friend that pride and vanity comes before the fall. Is it all about money or about a job she can crow about to people? One that she worried what people think, "how did she go from there to...THERE?!" Shoot, I'm thinking to apply at Whole Foods for the employee discounts and great benefits, even though I am, technically, an independent consultant. What's it matter in the end? The LONG VIEW is she might get her child--and this is the LAST opportunity for her to do so, according to her doctors. She got to let all that other nonsense go.

IDK what her career was before, but she doesn't necessarily have to work counters at retail. There's always administrative openings, managerial positions and the like. Sure, she could be working at CVS/Walgreens/Target, but what about the corp offices in her area? It's never all one thing...

If you really want to put food on the table, you will HUSTLE and not be picky about where the cash is coming from (legit money, i mean). So something tells me she's not putting her worries and priorities in the right place.

 

[Fine 4s]

Sounds good in theory but I think people do think this to various degrees even if they don't admit it. It's normal, it's human...IMHO

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I'm on her side somewhat. She should not have left what she had until she had a job there but its too late for that. At this point its not about only taking a job you can crow about but most employers look at your last job. So if you take that job at Mc D (just for argument sake) its hard to make that leap to the next job (harder than if you were just unemployed) especially when its time to negotiate salary etc. I've had HR folks in my face with that mess and to their surprise I've walked away. Don't disrespect me by playing on what you perceive is desperation.

However as part of the older crowd my advice is different - she is 40 and doesn't have time or many eggs to start all over again. If it was me I'd get that sperm and then bounce. She can look for new job back home with her family and support as a single woman. She should reach out to her old job and let them know that her prospects haven't been great in new area and see if they have anything available. What she has to accept is he isn't (& never was) a provider and she has to get over those stay at home fantasies with him. Time is not on her side. 10 years younger my advice would be different a lot different.