You're separated and your spouse gets someone pregnant

[MizAvalon]

Key word here is "loosely". Meaning he was not having protected sex with this casual date. To me I would have to examine his behavior. Because if she was designated as "just dating" then there could have been others. And if he was giving her the business unwrapped then who knows how many other "dates" you are now getting ready to be exposed to.

That is what I would be concerned about.

I agree with this. We have only been separated for a "few months" and he's sleeping with someone else with no condom? I'd be much more concerned about that than I would about the abortion.

Whether or not I would get back with him depends on many factors. Why did we originally separate? Are both of us willing to work on those issues with help from a third party(counselor) if need be? I believe in fully committing to marriage but he has to be willing to work it out at all costs too and put in the real work required to do it.

 

[Blossoming^]

Not in the least bit.

Am I the only one who find it disturbing that these people are still Married, yet "dating" and sleeping with other people? That "marriage" is OVER (even if they get back together). What a mess.

The fact that he wasn't wrapping it up would have to be a deal breaker for me and the fact that he didn't share that info with her. Uh yeah I know im not trying to catch nothing I can't throw back and you would hope that he would have the same mind set. ((shrugs)) The whole baby thing yeah coulda been but had a abortion i'm not building no bridges not happening sorry.

 

[Makenzie]

Just because you didn't seek God in the beginning, surely does not mean you can't seek him now. If that was the case then everyone who has fallen short is screwed, which is everybody.

Of course they can!! And HE knows I hope they do seek HIM out and rectify this mess. Sincerely! If they already have kids I feel for those kids because this is not a good example being set. However some ideas/situations are bad/dumb/stupid from the get go. This is one of them.

My issue would be his carelessness in having unprotected sex. Did they get tested prior to making the choice to have unprotected? That would be my only question. If she chose to have an abortion, thats her right/choice. Other than that, if you all were separated and dating other people, what he did during that time doesn't effect his choice/your choice to now work on the marriage.

For me it does. What is the purpose of dating other people when we are separated? This only causes a person to compare the new to old and flawed. They forget that the new person is going to become old and flawed as well. Marriage is hard work.....and that's on a good day. We excuse ourselves quicker than our mate. How is dating going to help you remember the good qualities in the one you chose to marry? It won't.

 

[kandake]

That was my first thought. But having witnessed the demise of a few marriages, I see that the decision to leave and divorce doesn't happen in the same time frame apparently. People figure out they don't want the person then "think" about getting a divorce. Can't comprehend that one either. If I was going to leave my spouse, I'd have a divorce the next week.

Its not that simple,

In most states you have to be separated two years before you can get a divorce. In some instances both parties agree to waive the two year period but they still have to be separated for six months. And even still, if the judge gets the impression that the two individuals haven't tried ALL means of reconciliation he may order counseling.

In addition, deciding to get a divorce is not an easy thing to do. Especially when its coupled with strong religious or social beliefs/attitudes re: marriage. Also, add children, finances, assets etc into the mix. It can become a really messy and stressful situation.

People tend to hold off, (1)because the they have to according to the laws that govern divorce and (2) because they want to avoid the stress involved in getting a divorce.

And this is just scratching the surface. There's also emotional and psychological stressors involved as well.

So, once again, its not that easy. Believe me I've been through it. And the story in the original post is VERY similar to my marriage. Except I'm divorced and he now has a 2 mos. old baby girl.

 

[weaveologist]

Of course they can!! And HE knows I hope they do seek HIM out and rectify this mess. Sincerely! If they already have kids I feel for those kids because this is not a good example being set. However some ideas/situations are bad/dumb/stupid from the get go. This is one of them.



For me it does. What is the purpose of dating other people when we are separated? This only causes a person to compare the new to old and flawed. They forget that the new person is going to become old and flawed as well. Marriage is hard work.....and that's on a good day. We excuse ourselves quicker than our mate. How is dating going to help you remember the good qualities in the one you chose to marry? It won't.

In this case I say it doesn't matter because BOTH of them chose to date other people and they told the other that they were doing so. If the two of them made a conscious decision after knowing that to fix the marriage then that's thier choice. Now if they were separated and one was dating and the other wasn't with no knowlegde of the others courting, then that's different...Him dating someone else just seems so trivial to me compared to the fact that he so easily had sex with someone else with no protection. That is the real issue here, to me. He didn't lie, but he was damn sure careless.

 

[Makenzie]

In this case I say it doesn't matter because BOTH of them chose to date other people and they told the other that they were doing so. If the two of them made a conscious decision after knowing that to fix the marriage then that's thier choice. Now if they were separated and one was dating and the other wasn't with no knowlegde of the others courting, then that's different...Him dating someone else just seems so trivial to me compared to the fact that he so easily had sex with someone else with no protection. That is the real issue here, to me. He didn't lie, but he was damn sure careless.[/quote]

I gotcha! That is so true.

 

[Zaynab]

In this case I say it doesn't matter because BOTH of them chose to date other people and they told the other that they were doing so. If the two of them made a conscious decision after knowing that to fix the marriage then that's thier choice. Now if they were separated and one was dating and the other wasn't with no knowlegde of the others courting, then that's different...Him dating someone else just seems so trivial to me compared to the fact that he so easily had sex with someone else with no protection. That is the real issue here, to me. He didn't lie, but he was damn sure careless.

Yea it's wrong but I jsut think that is what 99.9% of men that are separated would most likely do, so I guess I just wanted surprised. I'm not saying its right but it seems that men view being separated differently than women do.

 

[Zaynab]

Its not that simple,

In most states you have to be separated two years before you can get a divorce. In some instances both parties agree to waive the two year period but they still have to be separated for six months. And even still, if the judge gets the impression that the two individuals haven't tried ALL means of reconciliation he may order counseling.

In addition, deciding to get a divorce is not an easy thing to do. Especially when its coupled with strong religious or social beliefs/attitudes re: marriage. Also, add children, finances, assets etc into the mix. It can become a really messy and stressful situation.

People tend to hold off, (1)because the they have to according to the laws that govern divorce and (2) because they want to avoid the stress involved in getting a divorce.

And this is just scratching the surface. There's also emotional and psychological stressors involved as well.

So, once again, its not the easy. Believe me I've been through it. And the story in the original post is VERY similar to my marriage. Except I'm divorced and he now has a 2 mos. old baby girl.

oh Wow, I'm sorrry. If you don't mind, do you care to elaborate? Were you ever trying to reconcile or he began dating someone while you were separated knowing you probably weren't going to get back together? Sorry if that's too intrusive.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Unless the rubber broke, I'd be very cautious and thinking twice about reconciling. I can't guarantee that I would be comfortable with him having sex with other people despite us being separated, and for him to smash raw and get someone else pregnant that he's known for less time than me? No, I don't think I could do it.

 

[MD_Lady]

The overall irresponsibility involved (I'm assuming that neither he nor the woman he was dating wanted to start a family together) wouldn't sit well with me. The issue wouldn’t so much be that he had sex (unless that wasn’t factored into our seeing other people), but that he had unprotected sex. Our agreement aside, he put his own health at risk by having unprotected sex and I would be doing the same if we got back together and resumed a sexual relationship. I wouldn't hesitate to confront him about it because a big part of starting out with a clean slate is not keeping secrets.

 

[LovinLocks]

If you found this information out...without him telling you directly would that be an issue to you two getting back together? answer: Nope!

'Cause, folk shouldn't be "kickin" it with OPP - other people's spouses.

 

[kandake]

oh Wow, I'm sorrry. If you don't mind, do you care to elaborate? Were you ever trying to reconcile or he began dating someone while you were separated knowing you probably weren't going to get back together? Sorry if that's too intrusive.

We didn't want to reconcile initially. Mostly because he had already started a new relationship. He later had a change of heart. He decided that he wanted to reconcile and that he was breaking it off with the young lady. I then come to find out that she's pregnant. I seriously contemplated trying to work it out. I prayed, I fasted. In the end I decided to end the marriage.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

We didn't want to reconcile initially. Mostly because he had already started a new relationship. He later had a change of heart. He decided that he wanted to reconcile and that he was breaking it off with the young lady. I then come to find out that she's pregnant. I seriously contemplated trying to work it out. I prayed, I fasted. In the end I decided to end the marriage.

Good for you and good riddance to him!

 

[Te'TahHead]

Maybe I am thinking too hard but I'm thinking this chick wasn't just a "casual dater". It was probably the same (or ONE) of the women he cheated on his wife for and he told his wife that they were only "dating" to appease her.

I wouldn't take him back.

ETA: The "don't seek Him now" attitude is what keeps people from going into chruch. The ideal is one of the main associates to the "Uppity Bible Toting Christian". Many people who need fellowship are turned off because of people looking down on them with this idea. Who are you to say when someone should and shouldn't seek the Lord?

 

[WhipEffectz1]

My friend was in a situation like some of these stories but she wasn't married. The guy she was seeing for like 2 years got another chick pregnant on the side, supposedly when there were at odds. She didn't find out about the other chick's child until she was pregnant. So she thought her firstborn was also his first born but it wasn't. When she found out, she got rid of him promptly.

 

[kandake]

Good for you and good riddance to him!

LOL! Thanks Whips.

I initially struggled with the whole idea of getting a divorce, even after I found out about the pregnancy. I still struggle with being divorced and back into the dating pool. But I am so thankful its over. Your sentiments were dead on... good riddance to him!