You're separated and your spouse gets someone pregnant

[Zaynab]

You and your dh have been separated for several months and are both dating other people openly. You two start discussing getting back together, working on your marriage, etc. You find out that he got the person he was loosely 'dating' pregnant and she had an abortion largely because he told her he was "getting back with his wife". If you found this information out...without him telling you directly would that be an issue to you two getting back together? And do you feel you need to confront or ask him about it? Afterall, you weren't 'together' when it happened and but yet he didn't tell you?

Thoughts? This is happening to someone I know.

 

[andreab]

No. If you separate and both openly date other people then you must both also accept the consequences of how this could affect your future.

 

[sunnydaze]

Yes. It would be an issue for me on a couple levels. One it would be an issue that he was having sex with another woman while we were still married. Two, telling her to get an abortion, that bugs me too. But I think alot of it depends on how you guys defined being seperated.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Key word here is "loosely". Meaning he was not having protected sex with this casual date. To me I would have to examine his behavior. Because if she was designated as "just dating" then there could have been others. And if he was giving her the business unwrapped then who knows how many other "dates" you are now getting ready to be exposed to.

That is what I would be concerned about.

 

[Zaynab]

Yes. It would be an issue for me on a couple levels. One it would be an issue that he was having sex with another woman while we were still married. Two, telling her to get an abortion, that bugs me too. But I think alot of it depends on how you guys defined being seperated.

Well I think he didn't tell her to get an abortion, just let her know he was going back to his wife. but I see your point. Also, apparently she was having sex with folks too and so was he, they were openly seeing other people. so if you've been apart for severa months, you would assume that they'd been intimate. I guess my thought was he realized he wanted to make the marriage work and knew that having this other woman pregnant would impedge that process.

 

[TowsonGirl]

....................

 

[sunnydaze]

Well I think he didn't tell her to get an abortion, just let her know he was going back to his wife. but I see your point. Also, apparently she was having sex with folks too and so was he, they were openly seeing other people. so if you've been apart for severa months, you would assume that they'd been intimate. I guess my thought was he realized he wanted to make the marriage work and knew that having this other woman pregnant would impedge that process.

OK, I get that.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

If he got her pregnant... then he was a little too comfortable too soon. Or he knew her longer than he let on. I'm not implying that he cheated before with her, but he had to have some type of comfort level to get her knocked up so fast.

I would call him on it. Not because he did him, but because there was almost a baby...

 

[TayMac]

Separated doesn't mean divorced..so you have to still use some discretion and be careful with your activities. Depends on why we separated in the first place as to how much this new information will affect us reconciling. If he REALLY wanted the marriage to work he would have be WAY more careful IMO. I'm guessing he is the one who messed up in the first place?...why take chances?

 

[caltron]

Personally, that wouldn't make any difference for me. I would just look at why I separated from him in the first place.

 

[prettypuff1]

I think I would have to deal with that. I would divorce him in a heart beat because the baby would be added issues, but then again those same issues could still be there even with the abortion. I dont know what kind of feelings he could have for her now, since they could have had a child together. Abortion isnt as end all be all as people think, and I have seen men have some SERIOUS issues after having an abortion.

I would be upset that he didn't strap up before getting in that and I would be concerned about diseases..

 

[firecracker]

oh well both were openingly dating others and who knows if she was using protection either. I would be upset but if they agree to work it out she needs to forgive and try to forget about what he did. They both need to get tested and use protections til their both sure they are disease free.

 

[Sly]

ooo, that's heavy. nothing to add.

 

[JustKiya]

Personally, I would be furious. Not because he was sleeping with someone else - esp. if we were both dating others.
No, I would be seeing red because he wasn't using protection. Period. That means he didn't value our relationship enough to be sure to not bring anything back to it, and that sort of lacksadasical attitude about my life does not, would not, will not fly with me.

Hell, he's lucky that all that got 'caught' was an egg!

I wouldn't confront him, but I would let him know in no unclear terms that he's not TOUCHING me until a 1 month, 3 month, and 6 month STD panel have come back clean.

Oh, hells nawh.

 

[poetist]

I would just live with it because if we are both still MARRIED, yet sexing OTHER people, then we deserve each other and all the consequences that come with that type of behavior and lack of committment. No reason to be mad. Game recognize game.

 

[MJ]

Am I the only one who find it disturbing that these people are still Married, yet "dating" and sleeping with other people? That "marriage" is OVER (even if they get back together). What a mess.

 

[JustKiya]

Am I the only one who find it disturbing that these people are still Married, yet "dating" and sleeping with other people? That "marriage" is OVER (even if they get back together). What a mess.

Not necessarily. I give every couple room to define how their marriage 'works'. One size (or set of rules) doesn't fit all, esp. when it comes to intimate relationships.

 

[LunadeMiel]

As long as there's no baby, I'm cool (assuming we had that arrangement). BUt, I would make him get tested though. If they wanted to see other people, why not just get a divorce?

 

[Zaynab]

Am I the only one who find it disturbing that these people are still Married, yet "dating" and sleeping with other people? That "marriage" is OVER (even if they get back together). What a mess.

That was my first thought. But having witnessed the demise of a few marriages, I see that the decision to leave and divorce doesn't happen in the same time frame apparently. People figure out they don't want the person then "think" about getting a divorce. Can't comprehend that one either. If I was going to leave my spouse, I'd have a divorce the next week.

 

[prettypuff1]

Am I the only one who find it disturbing that these people are still Married, yet "dating" and sleeping with other people? That "marriage" is OVER (even if they get back together). What a mess.

This is the truth..

How exactly do you work on something by bringing other people into it..

If you are dating and sleeping with other ppl, why be married

 

[Ivy_Butter]

To me (im not married) separation means we're having some problems, but we are not ready to throw in the towel. So therefore, nobody should be dating or sexing anybody, or else just get a divorce. I see separation for some folks is just an excuse to be with someone else then say, "well we were separated."

 

[Caramela]

Best of luck. No advice to add other than to seek God. He's the only one that can you out of this mess.

 

[Makenzie]

How exactly do you work on something by bringing other people into it..
If you are dating and sleeping with other ppl, why be married

ITA! Let's make our problem that only involves 2 people bigger by bringing in 2 additional people and sexing them. This way we will be able to work out our issues.

To me (im not married) separation means we're having some problems, but we are not ready to throw in the towel. So therefore, nobody should be dating or sexing anybody, or else just get a divorce. I see separation for some folks is just an excuse to be with someone else then say, "well we were separated."

I am divorced and this is how I see it. When my ex and I separated we did not go dating anyone. The point of the separation was to decide how WE were going to proceed. This was not a time to date, why, because we were still married. Date after the divorce? Why is that so hard for people? You'd certainly avoid consequences and situations like this one.

Best of luck. No advice to add other than to seek God. He's the only one that can you out of this mess.

Why seek God now? They didn't seek him going in cuz if they had this certainly could have been avoided.

 

[sunnydaze]

Why seek God now? They didn't seek him going in cuz if they had this certainly could have been avoided.

Ouch.

 

[LBoogie]

Am I the only one who find it disturbing that these people are still Married, yet "dating" and sleeping with other people? That "marriage" is OVER (even if they get back together). What a mess.

Nope, you aren't the only one.

I always thought "separated" usually meant taking some time apart but NOT apart to suss things out with the intent to reconcile. If you're separating to SAVE your marriage the last thing that should be added to the equation are other people IMO.

 

[LBoogie]

ITA! Let's make our problem that only involves 2 people bigger by bringing in 2 additional people and sexing them. This way we will be able to work out our issues.



I am divorced and this is how I see it. When my ex and I separated we did not go dating anyone. The point of the separation was to decide how WE were going to proceed. This was not a time to date, why, because we were still married. Date after the divorce? Why is that so hard for people? You'd certainly avoid consequences and situations like this one.



Why seek God now? They didn't seek him going in cuz if they had this certainly could have been avoided.

Guess I should have read the whole thread first, that way I wouldn't have repeated all of the above ^. LOL

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

You and your dh have been separated for several months and are both dating other people openly. You two start discussing getting back together, working on your marriage, etc. You find out that he got the person he was loosely 'dating' pregnant and she had an abortion largely because he told her he was "getting back with his wife". If you found this information out...without him telling you directly would that be an issue to you two getting back together? And do you feel you need to confront or ask him about it? Afterall, you weren't 'together' when it happened and but yet he didn't tell you?

Thoughts? This is happening to someone I know.

Well, first I wouldn't be openly dating someone unless I had already filed for divorce and it was over. Finito. Completely. No chance of getting back EVER. I mean, how can you fix your relationship problems by sexing other people? erplexed

And to the original question, he 'bet not. You mean, he wasn't using protection with this woman during the separation?

 

[prettypuff1]

Ouch.

Its the truth....

I am 100% sure God's advice wouldnt have been " both of you find two new people and sex them down."

 

[sunnydaze]

Just because you didn't seek God in the beginning, surely does not mean you can't seek him now. If that was the case then everyone who has fallen short is screwed, which is everybody.

 

[weaveologist]

My issue would be his carelessness in having unprotected sex. Did they get tested prior to making the choice to have unprotected? That would be my only question. If she chose to have an abortion, thats her right/choice. Other than that, if you all were separated and dating other people, what he did during that time doesn't effect his choice/your choice to now work on the marriage.