Your Husband/Wife Passes....How Long Before You

[janiebaby]

start a new relationship?

In February, one of my oldest (in terms of length of time we've know each other) friends passed away in late Feb. She left behind a husband and children. She had battled a disease for as long as anyone knew her and it was just a matter of time.

Her husband and the rest of her family were about as mentally prepared as anyone could be. At the funeral her husband was very positive and comforting to my friend and I (we were all friends).

Fast forward to yesterday night, my friend tells me that the husband has moved on. There are multiple pictures of another woman on social networking sites and his status links him to being "in a relationship" with said woman.

So you know my friend has to keep digging and she saw something going back to May with the husband and the new woman. So of course, my friend is trying to figure out how long exactly have they known each other and how is it that the husband could move on so quickly.

I have my thoughts but I wanted to hear from you ladies how long you think you would hold off before settling into another relationship after your loved one passes? I'm not really looking for insight into the story above but I don't think too many folks will read this far down or follow directions (I know I don't) so ok

 

[yardyspice]

Paradoxically, the quicker a man gets into a relationship, the more in love he was with this wife.

As for the question, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship for a at least 2 years.

 

[loved]

I think most people want to see a year, but I say whatever helps the person get through while considering the needs of the children (up to a point). The vows are done at death. I don't think men who have been married long term do too well alone after a spouse passes. Men get used to having a caretaker.

 

[Allandra]

start a new relationship?

In February, one of my oldest (in terms of length of time we've know each other) friends passed away in late Feb. She left behind a husband and children. She had battled a disease for as long as anyone knew her and it was just a matter of time.

Her husband and the rest of her family were about as mentally prepared as anyone could be. At the funeral her husband was very positive and comforting to my friend and I (we were all friends).

Fast forward to yesterday night, my friend tells me that the husband has moved on. There are multiple pictures of another woman on social networking sites and his status links him to being "in a relationship" with said woman.

So you know my friend has to keep digging and she saw something going back to May with the husband and the new woman. So of course, my friend is trying to figure out how long exactly have they known each other and how is it that the husband could move on so quickly.

I have my thoughts but I wanted to hear from you ladies how long you think you would hold off before settling into another relationship after your loved one passes? I'm not really looking for insight into the story above but I don't think too many folks will read this far down or follow directions (I know I don't) so ok

Until it happens to me, I have no idea.

I don't understand why people think it's a particular time frame for something like this. I mean, everyone is different.

 

[janiebaby]

I agree with what everyone has said so far

 

[MD_Lady]

I agree with Allandra and I can't even begin to quantify how long it might take me to "move on". I can say that, IMO, the way people think they'll handle it and the way they actually handle it can wind up being vastly different.

 

[FelaShrine]

Paradoxically, the quicker a man gets into a relationship, the more in love he was with this wife.

weird.

is this only true for men?

 

[MizAvalon]

There is no right or wrong answer, it would really depend.

I would like to say though that if the deceased spouse had been battling a long illness, the surviving spouse has usually been ready to move on for years. Even though their spouse has just died, the remaining spouse most likely has been prepared and mentally checked out for a very long time. To an outsider looking in it may seem that they have moved on quickly but in reality, they have been ready for years.

Men move on quicker for various reasons, sex is usually the top one.

 

[FearlessNik]

You never really know. Although I have noticed with older senior citizens it happens more quickly than it does with younger people (maybe they are thinking they don't have much time left?). For m, as long as there was no hanky panky/ creeping while the spouse was alive I don't really care. I also have no respect for those people who swoop in as soon as the spouse dies and tries to take over.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Right after the funeral.

 

[GoingBack]

I know a lady whose mom died in April of one year and her dad was remarried in August of that same year.

 

[nappystorm]

Some kang at church was bragging about how once a wife dies, he would ask out another right there at the gravesite and marry her within a few months. So dispectful and disgusting.

 

[michelle81]

It's true that when a spouse has a long-term illness, the surviving spouse starts letting go years before the death. That way, the actual death doesn't hurt so much.
I had heard this many times, but never really believed it was true until dealing with it first-hand. But generally, I do believe that men also move on quicker than women.

 

[Lita]

Everyone is different,it all depends how one may heal...Whatever the case it's not easy..

 

[locabouthair]

Everyone is different but Feb to May seems pretty fast to me.

 

[chocolat79]

I can't answer the question but I'll say that it seems that men move on faster than women. One of my cousin's friends died after a VERY LONG battle with lupus. Within a few months her husband/widower was dating again and I think he remarried within a year of his wife dying.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

Confession:

My DH has my nose wide open. I am so in love with that man I hope I make it after he passed. I secretly hope I pass before he does because I think he is stronger than me and could move on.....If I had to live without him, I'd probably be the single widow with lots of cats or I'd be a nun, or throw myself into charity work, etc.....

10 years ago I would have freaked if someone said this to me. I'm so independent and a modern woman, but I'm soo in love...I don't even think DH knows just how much sometimes...
(I know I sound so pitiful)....

 

[LivingInPeace]

All of the older people I know who lost spouses in their 70's and 80's found companions within the first two years. I think they have different expectations by that time. They have their social security and their pensions so they aren't looking to be taken care of or expecting someone to bear their children. They just want someone to do things with them.

 

[mscocoface]

There is no rule or guideline. Each person is different. Typically men may move on what may seem quicker or faster than women.

 

[pinkness27]

I know someone who said she started dating a man two months after her husband died. She and the guy are still together till this day and her 3rd child is with the man (1st two from deceased husband). I didn't ask the details of her 1st husbands death-so I don't know if he was terminally ill or not.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I have no idea. However, I know of a widow(35+ years) and widower (25+ years), both remarried "quickly" and both had spouses with long term illnesses. I'm glad they found new love.

 

[lisatamika]

Until it happens to me, I have no idea.

I don't understand why people think it's a particular time frame for something like this. I mean, everyone is different.

ITA. I just lost my DH in April and before he passed, i just knew I would be a basket case. We had know each other almost 23 years and been together 19 years. You just NEVER know how things will affect you until it actually happens.

weird.

is this only true for men?

Nope. As of right now, I'm actually really getting into being alone and being single, but I do miss having a man around to things I'm not used to doing.

There is no right or wrong answer, it would really depend.

I would like to say though that if the deceased spouse had been battling a long illness, the surviving spouse has usually been ready to move on for years. Even though their spouse has just died, the remaining spouse most likely has been prepared and mentally checked out for a very long time. To an outsider looking in it may seem that they have moved on quickly but in reality, they have been ready for years.

Men move on quicker for various reasons, sex is usually the top one.

ITA again. I don't know about being 'ready for years,' but happen a spouse leave you over time, so to speak, definitely plays a part in how quickly you move on.

I know a lady whose mom died in April of one year and her dad was remarried in August of that same year.

That's a little bit fast, IMO. I think people need to stop and think before moving into another relationship so fast and make sure it's not just out of pure loneliness.

It's true that when a spouse has a long-term illness, the surviving spouse starts letting go years before the death. That way, the actual death doesn't hurt so much.
I had heard this many times, but never really believed it was true until dealing with it first-hand. But generally, I do believe that men also move on quicker than women.

ITA.

Confession:

My DH has my nose wide open. I am so in love with that man I hope I make it after he passed. I secretly hope I pass before he does because I think he is stronger than me and could move on.....If I had to live without him, I'd probably be the single widow with lots of cats or I'd be a nun, or throw myself into charity work, etc.....

10 years ago I would have freaked if someone said this to me. I'm so independent and a modern woman, but I'm soo in love...I don't even think DH knows just how much sometimes...
(I know I sound so pitiful)....

I felt this way ... until it actually happened to me. It all depends on the circumstances. A sudden death (car accident, murder, etc.), would be much harder to deal with than a long-term illness. Now I totally understand not wanting to see a loved one suffer any longer and wanting them to be put out of their misery.

 

[Arian]

Confession:

My DH has my nose wide open. I am so in love with that man I hope I make it after he passed. I secretly hope I pass before he does because I think he is stronger than me and could move on.....If I had to live without him, I'd probably be the single widow with lots of cats or I'd be a nun, or throw myself into charity work, etc.....

10 years ago I would have freaked if someone said this to me. I'm so independent and a modern woman, but I'm soo in love...I don't even think DH knows just how much sometimes...
(I know I sound so pitiful)....

Are you nuts??? I would love to feel like this.... to be so in love that it's scary!