Young Wife, Broke Older Husband - Preg Again

Okay, so I went to visit them now that the baby is 2 weeks old. These are the drama-specific things to report since a lot of it was normal new mom stuff.

Husband: He looks every bit as old and strange in person as he does in the pictures. He came through the door and my friend smiles bright and says "hi" to him and says, "This is Enyo, my friend that sent those tasty dinners!" which elicited a bland "oh, that's great..." which embarassed her. He never makes eye contact with me, shuffles over the fridge, and starts putting the groceries in. She asks if he needs help, and he takes forever to say "no", puts the food in a thankfully disappeared for the rest of the time I was there.

At one point she noticed his truck was still in their parking spot, but he never materialized again. Maybe it was the fact that he walked in while I was talking about 90-day fiance and was aghast at 19-year-old marrying a 53 your old? Who knows.

Home: It's very small, but not as sad I thought it was going to be. Very open and bright, but's that common for Hawaii. It was very clearly a bachelor pad that she moved into after they were married. It's a two bedroom, but the rooms are so small that the baby's room can only fit a twin sized bed and a crib. The "master" bedroom was only a little larger. If they have a second kid, I'm not sure where they're going to put it.

Job Talk: Finally got out that he works in the warehouse of the jewelry company. It's a little sad for a 53-year-old man, but I don't look down on it, either. She said she wants to become a marriage and family therapist because being married for one year to a man 23 years older than you because he was the best you can get and having a 2-week old baby makes for a great candidate. :look:

Baby Stuff: She also said motherhood was "the best thing she'd ever done" which I found weird. She hasn't done anything yet. Aren't you're kids supposed to be fairly grown before you can start appraising your choice to have kids?

For childcare, she said that she's going to pay for a part-time sitter and her mom, who is retired, is going to take the baby in the afternoons so she can save money.
 
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Honestly, I have to admire her acceptance of the situation she's in. I was thinking about her last night, and a part of me realized that I should make more effort to not judge her by my standards. Just because I find her situation to be a little sad doesn't mean she should. But I also don't see any upsides here. Do any of you? If so, I'm curious as to what they are.

 
No need to judge. Just wish her the best and be her friend and allow her to be yours. So long as she is not grating on your nerves or worrying you, there is no problem with how she is living. She will probably be fine. You have to be kind of detached. Have compassion for her but not put too much thought into her choices. She made the best choice for her at the time. If she ever becomes very unhappy she will then likely make another choice.
 
hopeful said:
No need to judge. Just wish her the best and be her friend and allow her to be yours. So long as she is not grating on your nerves or worrying you, there is no problem with how she is living. She will probably be fine. You have to be kind of detached. Have compassion for her but not put too much thought into her choices. She made the best choice for her at the time. If she ever becomes very unhappy she will then likely make another choice.
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Thank you for that. I'll probably just avoid her from now on. It's honestly hard to talk to her or look at that creepy husband of hers without feeling either judgemental or straight up uncomfortable. It's not a bad thing, though. I really hate when women just talk about their kids all the time anyway, and she's that type. It's easier to keep out of her business when we're not friends anymore.

Edited to add thoughts.
 
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hopeful said:
Good for you Enyo. Do whatever is best for you and your wellbeing.
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I honestly feel like it's more for her sake. I know I'm judgemental with a sprinkle of petty and she doesn't deserve to have someone like that around. Granted, I'm still truly concerned because years ago I settled and married a man because I thought I couldn't do any better. But we were the same and he was an attorney, so I didn't have to deal with the stress of being broke, relying on welfare to help raise a child, and worrying that my husband was gonna die on top of me ala Color Purple. But I don't do well with rationalizations and denial, and I'll eventually get slick out the mouth and feelings will be hurt. Just not mine.
 
@Enyo
Maybe the friends bailed on her for the same reasons you did. Her life is something they don't wish to partake in as its a bit sad. If she posts the babies pics on facebook, they already see the baby and don't feel its necessary to stop by. A few of my friends with no kids kind of fell back once I had DD, I guess they couldn't relate with mommy duties and not wanting to hang out anymore. Also, your life changes a lot with a husband and a new baby, and you don't have free time anymore.

She may have something else to tell you and doesn't want him to overhear. Or she realizes she needs to exit and needs help. Just listen and be there for her if you wish. You can try to check on her more and visit more.
 
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LostInAdream said:
@Enyo
Maybe the friends bailed on her for the same reasons you did. Her life is something they don't wish to partake in as its a bit sad. If she posts the babies pics on facebook, they already see the baby and don't feel its necessary to stop by. A few of my friends with no kids kind of fell back once I had DD, I guess they couldn't relate with mommy duties and not wanting to hang out anymore. Also, your life changes a lot with a husband and a new baby, and you don't have free time anymore.

She may have something else to tell you and doesn't want him to overhear. Or she realizes she needs to exit and needs help. Just listen and be there for her if you wish. You can try to check on her more and visit more.
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A few, totally. I'd exact that because it makes sense for the reasons you stated. But all of them? That seems so extreme.
 
LostInAdream said:
Did you talk to her?
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Yes, we’ve had lunch twice since I updated the last time. It was adequate. We have different types of humor and mentalities, so we never really scrape a superficial level. But all she really wants is like an hour, so it wasn’t that bad. We mainly talk about our jobs. Nothing about her husband yet. Really, the only thing is that he’s in a previous generation that has to go to a tax guy and sit there for three hours instead of just using TurboTax. Lol She did also mention that she was married and a mother within two years, so everything is new to her at once.
 
At this point, I have no shame in updating this thread and confirming my continued obsession with this girl! So, she’s pregnant yet again despite her first son being under the age of two and her husband just is old and just as poor.

What’s change is that we now have a mutual friend of sorts. When she got her clinical license, I introduced her to my clinical coworker. She’s been going back-and-forth with the coworker about job stuff, and me for the personal. She’s acting very chill with me about her situation, but our mutual friend says she’s been really freaking over finances and the inability to take any real time off work . My co-workers assessment was that she doesn’t know her worth and seem to be settling for whatever. I just bust out laughing and told her the whole situation.

What’s pissing me off is how my friend keeps poo-pooing different ideas, like moving to the mainland for a little while to get more bang for their buck, let her snatch a few promotions and then move back when they’re in a better situation. She was talking about how she doesn’t want to leave her family here, but wasn’t she the one also complaining that she got absolutely no support after her baby was born? They probably aren’t going to support her again with this next one, so why are you sticking around for them? Also, she was saying how their little half a house is already paid for, so why not rent it out for an exorbitant amount, as you can do in Hawaii, and use those funds to rent or buy something comparable on the mainland?

It baffles me that someone who was so big on being a wife and mother hasn’t gone into full beast mode with this extra kid coming along. She still seems to be in fairyland.
 
Enyo said:
At this point, I have no shame in updating this thread and confirming my continued obsession with this girl! So, she’s pregnant yet again despite her first son being under the age of two and her husband just is old and just as poor.

What’s change is that we now have a mutual friend of sorts. When she got her clinical license, I introduced her to my clinical coworker. She’s been going back-and-forth with the coworker about job stuff, and me for the personal. She’s acting very chill with me about her situation, but our mutual friend says she’s been really freaking over finances and the inability to take any real time off work . My co-workers assessment was that she doesn’t know her worth and seem to be settling for whatever. I just bust out laughing and told her the whole situation.

What’s pissing me off is how my friend keeps poo-pooing different ideas, like moving to the mainland for a little while to get more bang for their buck, let her snatch a few promotions and then move back when they’re in a better situation. She was talking about how she doesn’t want to leave her family here, but wasn’t she the one also complaining that she got absolutely no support after her baby was born? They probably aren’t going to support her again with this next one, so why are you sticking around for them? Also, she was saying how their little half a house is already paid for, so why not rent it out for an exorbitant amount, as you can do in Hawaii, and use those funds to rent or buy something comparable on the mainland?

It baffles me that someone who was so big on being a wife and mother hasn’t gone into full beast mode with this extra kid coming along. She still seems to be in fairyland.
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She wanted the titles but not the work and due diligence that comes with both.
 
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IslandMummy said:
She wanted the titles but not the work and due diligence that comes with both.
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I like how succinct you were with that, and it's true. Real mother hood is about sacrifice and doing what you need to do in order to provide the best you can do. Really, it seems like she's a single mother. From what my co-worker said, everything is falling on her financially.
 
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