Need Advice!!! Concerning my husband and his sister.

[brownsugar99]

Thanks for all of the advice!!! I didn't think I'd get this many comments. To answer the question about why she's here if I knew how she felt? I've heard her verbalize several times how she felt about him, but the "weird" behaviors just started within the past week and a half. This is about the time that he spoke to her about staying. Like I said before, she's 21 yrs old and I didn't think that a 21 yr old sister would act that way. My son behaved this way for about 2 wks when they were first introduced and we addressed the issue with him and there haven't been any jealousy issues since then. This is something that I'd actually expect to deal with coming from a child. I don't see the need to cater to a grown woman's issues. If we were older and my son was 21 and acting out there would be a problem with that too and I would have addressed things with him differently.

Here's the update:
I spoke with him about it last night and he is going to "take care of it". Because I had never voiced any concerns about it he thought that everything was great. He also thought that her behavior had become strange and was having his doubts about her staying. He neglected to mention it to me (as I did with him) but had been trying to indirectly deal with it. As far as the household duties, he knew this was going on and tried to compensate by doing her "work" when he came home from work. I told him it wasn't fair for us to be picking up the pieces when she was here to help. He is going to point out her duties (housework and helping with all of the children) as well as the childish, jealous behavior as far as he's concerned. No more trying to do things indirectly. If she can handle it and things shape up she will stay as long as we originally planned for and then she's gone. If things don't change, she'll be leaving sooner.

We are newlyweds, and this is the biggest situation we've had during our entire relationship. Just goes to show how big of a deal communication really is. And not just amongst us but anyone who we welcome into our world. He has apologized, agreed with all of the concerns that I mentioned and has assured me that I am the only one who he can't live without and that my happiness comes first. We'll just look at this as a learning experience and move on from here.

Thanks for all of your responses and support.

 

[nychaelasymone]

Awww God Bless Y'all

 

[Honey6928215]

Let us know how your sister-in-law responded. I was about to ask where is her mother?

 

[WomanlyCharm]

Thanks for all of the advice!!! I didn't think I'd get this many comments. To answer the question about why she's here if I knew how she felt? I've heard her verbalize several times how she felt about him, but the "weird" behaviors just started within the past week and a half. This is about the time that he spoke to her about staying. Like I said before, she's 21 yrs old and I didn't think that a 21 yr old sister would act that way. My son behaved this way for about 2 wks when they were first introduced and we addressed the issue with him and there haven't been any jealousy issues since then. This is something that I'd actually expect to deal with coming from a child. I don't see the need to cater to a grown woman's issues. If we were older and my son was 21 and acting out there would be a problem with that too and I would have addressed things with him differently.

Here's the update:
I spoke with him about it last night and he is going to "take care of it". Because I had never voiced any concerns about it he thought that everything was great. He also thought that her behavior had become strange and was having his doubts about her staying. He neglected to mention it to me (as I did with him) but had been trying to indirectly deal with it. As far as the household duties, he knew this was going on and tried to compensate by doing her "work" when he came home from work. I told him it wasn't fair for us to be picking up the pieces when she was here to help. He is going to point out her duties (housework and helping with all of the children) as well as the childish, jealous behavior as far as he's concerned. No more trying to do things indirectly. If she can handle it and things shape up she will stay as long as we originally planned for and then she's gone. If things don't change, she'll be leaving sooner.

We are newlyweds, and this is the biggest situation we've had during our entire relationship. Just goes to show how big of a deal communication really is. And not just amongst us but anyone who we welcome into our world. He has apologized, agreed with all of the concerns that I mentioned and has assured me that I am the only one who he can't live without and that my happiness comes first. We'll just look at this as a learning experience and move on from here.

Thanks for all of your responses and support.

I'm glad you two talked and worked out a plan.
Your hubby sounds like a smart, responsible guy. Congrats newlyweds!

 

[queen_t]

Thanks for all of the advice!!! I didn't think I'd get this many comments. To answer the question about why she's here if I knew how she felt? I've heard her verbalize several times how she felt about him, but the "weird" behaviors just started within the past week and a half. This is about the time that he spoke to her about staying. Like I said before, she's 21 yrs old and I didn't think that a 21 yr old sister would act that way. My son behaved this way for about 2 wks when they were first introduced and we addressed the issue with him and there haven't been any jealousy issues since then. This is something that I'd actually expect to deal with coming from a child. I don't see the need to cater to a grown woman's issues. If we were older and my son was 21 and acting out there would be a problem with that too and I would have addressed things with him differently.

Here's the update:
I spoke with him about it last night and he is going to "take care of it". Because I had never voiced any concerns about it he thought that everything was great. He also thought that her behavior had become strange and was having his doubts about her staying. He neglected to mention it to me (as I did with him) but had been trying to indirectly deal with it. As far as the household duties, he knew this was going on and tried to compensate by doing her "work" when he came home from work. I told him it wasn't fair for us to be picking up the pieces when she was here to help. He is going to point out her duties (housework and helping with all of the children) as well as the childish, jealous behavior as far as he's concerned. No more trying to do things indirectly. If she can handle it and things shape up she will stay as long as we originally planned for and then she's gone. If things don't change, she'll be leaving sooner.

We are newlyweds, and this is the biggest situation we've had during our entire relationship. Just goes to show how big of a deal communication really is. And not just amongst us but anyone who we welcome into our world. He has apologized, agreed with all of the concerns that I mentioned and has assured me that I am the only one who he can't live without and that my happiness comes first. We'll just look at this as a learning experience and move on from here.

Thanks for all of your responses and support.

Yup, knowing how to how communicate effectively, especially with your spouse, is definitely the key to a healthy relationship.

I wish you guys the best!!

Also, maybe you could try to bond with the SIL, so she doesn't feel threatened by you. Share some hair tips or something girl!!! Works for me and my SIL!!

 

[tdwillis]

Good for you! I know personally, my mom lit the fire under my butt when she decided to move across the country seven months before I graduated from college. She told me I couldn't take nothin from her house either unless I bought it. I lived in the hood too. Funny because they told me it was a gated community. I didn't know I was going to have to worry about the people inside the gate! But it did motivate me to do and achieve better.
OT: Your wedding pics are beautiful!

As much as I hate to admit it, my sister being the queen B* she tends to be at times...this is true. When I moved to FL from TN...my sister invited me to move in with her and her husband (I was to pay rent/share expenses). They started going thru a lot of problems and eventually got divorced, but during the middle of it all, it was a strain by me being there.

My sister basically told me I was gonna have to get on my own two feet or move back home to TN. Heck no was I going back home...I had gotten out of that small dead end town and wasnt going back. It literally lit a fire under my butt. I applied to LPN school and got my own apartment (it was in the hood, but it was cheap and all I could afford at the time). I went to LPN school, then I finished my RN pre requisites and finished the bridge program and became an RN. If it werent for her ultimatum, I doubt I would be where I am now. It really motivated me to get my life together.

Tough love is the best remedy sometimes.

 

[donna894]

I'm so glad everything worked out. This should be a joyous time in you and your husband's life as you start out your lives together and love those precious babies. Personally, I don't think its ever a good idea for outsiders to move in with newlyweds because they're just starting out - learning to live with each other along with establishing their own home.

 

[brownsugar99]

She's out of here this weekend! She started acting like we were doing her wrong and basically stopped talking to everyone except my husband (and only to him when absolutely necessary). Not a big surprise. Like we absolutely had to have her here or something.

Their mother lives about two hrs away. That's where she came from. Mom's rule for all of her kids was work full time or go to school full time, but she doesn't recommend school and work together which is fine if that's what she wants to offer her kids in her home. My MIL has come also, usually on the weekends when my SIL would go home to hang out with her friends. MIL has never done anything out of line. She was actually the opposite. In the beginning, it was very obvious that she was trying not to offend me and he had to tell her that certain things were ok. Like cooking in our kitchen or helping out during bath time (she thought I may look at it as her interfering with our bonding time). It's great when she's here and we have bonded big time!

People have told me that I don't seem very inviting from the outside looking in and it's just because I'm not very outgoing and talkative to people until I get to know them better. Because I know this, I have gone out of my way to 'bond' and be welcoming and inviting. I've suggested going shopping together or having lunch together (when my hubby's home). I've asked if there were any movies that she wanted to go see or rent on netflix . If I'm out of the house (on those rare occasions) I always make sure that I call on my way home to see if she wants anything. I have also tried discussing hair and beauty tips with her. Linking hair care to my girls because I'm going to keep them relaxer-free and she has a beautiful head of natural hair. But it's all failed. She's just not interested / open to the idea of us having a closer relationship so I'm done trying. She's just rude and snobby. And if one of my friends or family members comes over she'll just get lost. This started happening after she'd been here 2 to 3 weeks.

I can definitely see not having people come into your home, especially in the beginning. We just moved into this home together in May 07 and have only lived together since January 07. It's definitely a preventable form of stress. I'm just glad that it's over with!

 

[queen_t]

She's out of here this weekend! She started acting like we were doing her wrong and basically stopped talking to everyone except my husband (and only to him when absolutely necessary). Not a big surprise. Like we absolutely had to have her here or something.

Their mother lives about two hrs away. That's where she came from. Mom's rule for all of her kids was work full time or go to school full time, but she doesn't recommend school and work together which is fine if that's what she wants to offer her kids in her home. My MIL has come also, usually on the weekends when my SIL would go home to hang out with her friends. MIL has never done anything out of line. She was actually the opposite. In the beginning, it was very obvious that she was trying not to offend me and he had to tell her that certain things were ok. Like cooking in our kitchen or helping out during bath time (she thought I may look at it as her interfering with our bonding time). It's great when she's here and we have bonded big time!

People have told me that I don't seem very inviting from the outside looking in and it's just because I'm not very outgoing and talkative to people until I get to know them better. Because I know this, I have gone out of my way to 'bond' and be welcoming and inviting. I've suggested going shopping together or having lunch together (when my hubby's home). I've asked if there were any movies that she wanted to go see or rent on netflix . If I'm out of the house (on those rare occasions) I always make sure that I call on my way home to see if she wants anything. I have also tried discussing hair and beauty tips with her. Linking hair care to my girls because I'm going to keep them relaxer-free and she has a beautiful head of natural hair. But it's all failed. She's just not interested / open to the idea of us having a closer relationship so I'm done trying. She's just rude and snobby. And if one of my friends or family members comes over she'll just get lost. This started happening after she'd been here 2 to 3 weeks.

I can definitely see not having people come into your home, especially in the beginning. We just moved into this home together in May 07 and have only lived together since January 07. It's definitely a preventable form of stress. I'm just glad that it's over with!

Well at least you've attempted to create a relationship with her. So, at this point, I say get her outta there. You're doing her a favor, and she should be damn grateful!

She's a 21 year old CHILD who needs to grow up, but not in your household. That's not your responsibility....you, your new husband, and your kids are top priority, numero uno!!!!

Take care of yours sis, you don't need the stress .

 

[KEWLKAT103]

I'm not married, nor do i have a boyfriend so take this in that context.

I think you should definately talk to the husband...in private. Go out to eat or something and discuss it on neutral territory.

Everyone's already covered that part...but, what I think is missing is the content of the discussion. I think it's a mistake to point any kind of finger at the sister. Your husband is going to ignore everything you say and jump to her defense. The last place you want him is in the middle and feeling like he's forced to choose between you.

You've gotta use that old fashioned honeyism. 'Honey, i really admire you for the way you look out for your sister. She really looks up to you and you are surely a good influence on her.' THEN TWIST IT...
'but, i wonder if this doesn't take it's toll on you.'
'i'd like to see her in a loving relationship like ours and settled with a family in her own stable home.'
'how do you think we can help her get there?'
at this point, hopefully his guard is down and he acknowledges the stress she brings into the home. then, you guys can discuss it as a team. it has to be you and him against her. not him in the middle forced to choose. i think he'd resent that.

(my base assumption is that he wants what's best for her and realizes that living up under him isn't that. you know what they say about assumptions, so i could be wrong. but you've gotta start somewhere)

if he doesn't take the honey, you're going to have to give it to him intravenously. LOL

'babe - i love your family and want to do everything possible to support them, but, lately i've been feeling like a visitor in our home.'
'i would like to set up some ground rules and i really need your support.'

the key is to let him know that you understand why he's doing what he's doing, that you think ultimately his heart is in the right place but, unfortunately it's causing you to feel x,y,z way.

oh and how you feel is not the same as, 'i feel like she's a beyatch'. you may think that, but, it probably makes you feel upset/hurt/alone, etc.

hope that helps.

Great Advice!

 

[Spongie Bloom]

im glad things have been sorted out my eldest brother got married in 2002 and i now have a 1 yr old nephew soon as he got married i realised things have changed we were and still very close he is 10 yrs older than me (im 21 he's 31) and he treated me like a baby but things change and i wouldnt even feel okay with going to live with his family for more than a holiday..though summer is way too long (to see them and help with the baby) cause it is really weird i think (although visiting but going home is fine)..its not like i am a little child who needs to be taken care of..she needs to grow up and get her own place or go back to her mum's

 

[Tinky]

I suggest you confront these concerns with your husband now, in a calm manner, before things really get out of hand. She needs to know her place IF she's gonna be allowed to live in YOUR home.

If she's supposed to be there to lend a hand, have your husband say something to her, since he's the brother. People will only do what they are allowed to get away with.

Brownsugar, I say cut it in the bud, before things get worse and before you have to live miserably in your own home.

I agree with the bold 100%. You are really going to have your hands full with your newborn twins- you do not have the time to raise another child (which is exactly what you would be doing). You really need to have a talk with your husband because your sister in law has obviously shown during the period of time that she is not going to be any kind of asset to the household. And stand your ground. He may try to tell you he will talk to her and she will change, but she won't. Any changes she will make will only be temporary and she will eventually go back to her old ways and your husband probably won't notice.

 

[Blossoming^]

I don't want kinda freaky crap she is on but she would have to be out as soon as those summer classes wrapped up. Aint no way I would be competing or having someone compete w/me for my mans attention/affection. And the fact that she is trying to show favoritism between the kiddos just wouldn't fly. DH should be onboard just based on that. If she Can't get with it get out