Wwyd: Meet With Your Ex Or No?

[ladysaraii]

This was posted on one of my FB groups.

Let's say you cheat on your significant other, someone you've been with for years. This person has been with you through thick and thin. They find out somehow or another about your affair and you know they know. It was pretty bad - you cheated at a really low period for your partner (like John Edward's style cheating). They want to meet up and talk (and no, don't assume they're going to kill you or have you jumped, stick to the hypo), but have said out the gate that there is no way in hell they will take you back. You believe them. You know there's no future between you. They just want to say their piece and get closure.

BE REAL: do you meet up and let them verbally give you the business, going through all the phases of grief and asking you questions you know are going to be tough to answer? Do you give them at least that moment? Or do you - acknowledging that there's nothing in it for you except uncomfortable questions, painful answers, a lot of shouting, screaming, crying, etc. - ignore the request/say no and move on?

So what would you do? And why?

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Naw, I'm not wasting my gas to get cussed out.

 

[lesedi]

Naw, I'm not wasting my gas to get cussed out.

This. A phone call at a push. I'm a coward.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Im good on that energy...

 

[BrownBetty]

Naw, I'm not wasting my gas to get cussed out.

+1
They gone have to get that closure from Jesus. I'm all set.

 

[awhyley]

For that person's mental health, I would forgo cause in situations like that they're only gonna end up like #hurtbae



Or in this case, #hurtboy



The best closure is the closure you give yourself.

 

[Shimmie]

I dunno... it would depend on how much it meant to the other person to have closure, just to help them to move on. This way, they'd never have to wonder and have to suppress the unanswered questions that are in their heart. I usually try to put myself in the other person's feelings, just to be fair. However, I wouldn't place myself in jeopardy / compromising situation. I would definitely let my family members know where / when / how I am. If it's hard to meet with them, I'd set up a conference / facetime call and be patient with them as they share their heart.

Breakups are hard on both sides. They really are. Thank God for Jesus who heals the brokenhearted and I'm truly serious when I say this. There is no such life without God and prayer.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I dunno... it would depend on how much it meant to the other person to have closure, just to help them to move on. This way, they'd never have to wonder and have to suppress the unanswered questions that are in their heart. I usually try to put myself in the other person's feelings, just to be fair. However, I wouldn't place myself in jeopardy / compromising situation. I would definitely let my family members know where / when / how I am. If it's hard to meet with them, I'd set up a conference / facetime call and be patient with them as they share their heart.

Breakups are hard on both sides. They really are. Thank God for Jesus who heals the brokenhearted and I'm truly serious when I say this. There is no such life without God and prayer.

Why would you be responsible for their closure though.. "If they dont get their feelings and move on"

 

[MissNina]

In a public place, I would...Bc when you do ppl wrong you owe them a bit more than normal - but I also admittedly have zero issue with confrontation or difficult conversations.

If I felt they’d really go off bad, I may suggest FaceTime.

 

[hopeful]

+1
They gone have to get that closure from Jesus. I'm all set.

 

[movingforward13]

Knowing what I know about infidelity- if I ever found myself in this situation, I would write them a letter of apology expressing my remorse for my actions. I would give that person the choice to make if they wanted to meet or not, in front of a counselor. I would not blame them for my decision to cheat. I would own my ish and I would give them the choice how they wanted to proceed from there.

That said, I wouldn't cheat.I would leave a relationship first - divorce, file for legal separation, etc.

 

[ladysaraii]

Naw, I'm not wasting my gas to get cussed out.

That's how I feel, lol.

A lot of people on the thread I read it on felt that the meeting was owed and the person was selfish if they refused.

 

[Daina]

I've been on the side of the coin that asked for closure. I would probably do it but in a controlled way. If there is no chance of reconciliation a short meeting to help the other party understand why I think is okay. Mainly it would be to own what I had done and apologize.

 

[OhTall1]

A lot of people on the thread I read it on felt that the meeting was owed and the person was selfish if they refused.

Probably because of the John Edwards reference. As I recall, he was cheating while his wife was getting treated for an aggressive form of cancer.

Interesting thread. I feel if it was clear that the story was about a dude cheating on a woman who was battling death, responses would be different.

 

[ladysaraii]

Probably because of the John Edwards reference. As I recall, he was cheating while his wife was getting treated for an aggressive form of cancer.

Interesting thread. I feel if it was clear that the story was about a dude cheating on a woman who was battling death, responses would be different.

That's a good point. I know that my response would be different if this was my husband vs. a boyfriend. It would also probably depend on how long it had been and what conversations we had already had.

 

[intellectualuva]

Nah son. You can email it, attach a read receipt and I'll click it so you know I read it and that's going to have to be all the closure you get. I'm not investing time and energy to get cussed out. I've likely already apologized. You are not about to ruin my day making me relive my shenanigans....I've already forgiven myself.

 

[BrownBetty]

I posed this question to a couple of friends: so far women said the meeting was owed. Men said nah. I still maintain I ain't going.

 

[mrselle]

.......

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Interesting thread. If this person had been with me for years through thick and thin and I hurt them then I'm going to give them closure to help them heal from the pain I caused. I could see feeling differently if there wasn't any depth but come on. Every woman I know has been in this situation where she wanted closure and it was no where to be found so I'd have empathy.

 

[ShortyDooWhop]

Yeah, nope. Especially since every other day there’s a story of some deranged shooter who everyone says “but (insert crazy shooter’s name) was so nice and kind. I would have never imagined (insert crazy shooter’s name) would’ve been capable of something like this.”
He’s gonna have to find closure at that prayer alter.

 

[intellectualuva]

Interesting thread. If this person had been with me for years through thick and thin and I hurt them then I'm going to give them closure to help them heal from the pain I caused. I could see feeling differently if there wasn't any depth but come on. Every woman I know has been in this situation where she wanted closure and it was no where to be found so I'd have empathy.

And that's another reason why I wouldnt give it to a man. All these dudes out here cutting up, breaking hearts, lying, emotional rollercoasters....nah son. I'm doing this for all the women who want it and don't get it. Lol.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

And that's another reason why I wouldnt give it to a man. All these dudes out here cutting up, breaking hearts, lying, emotional rollercoasters....nah son. I'm doing this for all the women who want it and don't get it. Lol.

I don't mean to offend but I'm reminded of this expression.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I cant see myself ever sleeping with anyone else, but if so I would possibly meet them after a little time passed (a few weeks, a month).

Not when box fresh.

 

[lesedi]

Interesting thread. If this person had been with me for years through thick and thin and I hurt them then I'm going to give them closure to help them heal from the pain I caused. I could see feeling differently if there wasn't any depth but come on. Every woman I know has been in this situation where she wanted closure and it was no where to be found so I'd have empathy.

I hear you but closure is self-made, you can't get it from someone else. A lot of the time we don't want closure, we want the man back. If you look at a person's actions, there's your closure right there.

Most times the closure is "I didn't respect you enough" and subconsciously you probably knew that before things went left

 

[intellectualuva]

I hear you but closure is self-made, you can't get it from someone else. A lot of the time we don't want closure, we want the man back. If you look at a person's actions, there's your closure right there.

Most times the closure is "I didn't respect you enough" and subconsciously you probably knew that before things went left

Right or some sort of validation.

I don't mean to offend but I'm reminded of this expression.

Yep. That's good information for the person looking for closure. They should hold onto that knowing the person who hurt them were hurt at some point too and take comfort in it somehow.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I mentioned this in another thread but I think there’s something happening culturally with this shift toward people being quick to disengage and/or only communicate on superficial levels. Idk if it’s a sign of the times or indicative of something else but it’s prevalent.

 

[hopeful]

Just a few random thoughts:

I think people used to accept things more readily, take a hint, and would move on, but now people want to talk through and discuss things more. But what people aren’t getting is that if the person had that level of compassion for you and maturity and honesty, they likely never would have done what they did in the first place. People want the person who hurt them to help them heal. Unfortunately life doesn’t work like that.

Also, people are always saying I wish he would just tell me he wanted to break up, just tell me. But just like people have different love languages, people also have different ways of communicating. If I stop texting you as often, stop asking you out, pay less attention to you, etc. that is communicating, that is saying I’m not interested or not as interested as I used to be, just not saying it how you want me to. If I cheated on you at your lowest state, I’m far too cold and selfish to also own up to it and help you get closure. If I’m that kind, loving, and mature I would have broken up with you beforehand.

Some people enjoy cheating far more than being faithful. Some people simply have a greater capacity to lie and cheat than others. I think wanting others to own up to you is naïveté and an inability to accept how dark some people are and that everyone isn’t like you, and that you better become more astute and tougher if you want to survive in this world. Life is hard. People are capable of all kinds of terrible things. Accept that, really let that sink in, then try to figure out how to survive and thrive. Doesn’t matter if you are a lion or gazelle. But you better know which one you are and act accordingly because everyone has a weakness and a strength. Anyone has the potential to be a predator or prey.

My point is begging someone to own up to and apologize to you for hurting you is dumb. Move on and let it go. You got played. And this is from someone who got played hard. Seek revenge if that makes you feel better. But expecting a cold-hearted person to be warm and cuddly is silly. We live in a wicked and wonderful world. And it’s always been that way and always will be.

We need to quit telling people, women especially, to communicate, share their feelings, be hopeful, pray about it, etc. Instead we need to also teach women to hone their intuition, trust their instincts, be more selfish, and be careful out there. I’ve shared an article on here a couple times where a relationship coach asked people who had been cheated on when they started feeling unsafe, and every single person said that honestly they never felt safe. We gotta teach people (women especially) how to be safe and keep themselves safe.

Listen, slavery was abolished just 153 years ago in the United States, segregation was deemed unlawful just 64 years ago, a black man was lynched in Alabama 37 years ago, we have seen scores of men in power over the past couple years being exposed for atrocious behavior toward women, beautiful young black women and girls have been preyed on in our communities for years and more often than not she gets called “fast,” when the men should be flogged and ostracized, terrible things happen every single day.

We don’t want to accept how hard life is or how wicked people can be. Or how tough we have to be to get the lives we want and deserve. Not wanting to accept reality doesn’t change anything.

 

[MissNina]

I mentioned this in another thread but I think there’s something happening culturally with this shift toward people being quick to disengage and/or only communicate on superficial levels. Idk if it’s a sign of the times or indicative of something else but it’s prevalent.

Girl, yes. My expertise is Communication and this shift is freaking insane. Technology has made ppl think it is cool just to disengage from ANYTHING that makes them uncomfortable... Bc they are so used to blocking somebody or deleting an email/profile and keeping it moving. Like fully-grown, capable-of-communicating-directly ppl.

I don’t think that kind of avoidance is healthy for anybody, but you know. It’s whatever.

 

[KimPossibli]

I'd send them the money for therapy before I went..

getting cussed out isn't gonna help them

 

[Brwnbeauti]

No. I don’t set myself up for unpleasant experiences. He’ll be aight