Would You Wait?

chocolatethai

chocolatethai

Well-Known Member
hi ladies quick question, I'm not taking this question all that serious cuz we might break up tomorow and this won't be an issue :lachen:you never know, but I wanted to hear what other ladies would do in this situation. My SO is being deployed for a year at the end of the summer I feel like if he hasn't put a ring on it by then that I'll end it cuz I don't want to wait for a year for a boyfriend, I would definitely wait for a fiancé or husband but I feel like that is asking too much of a girlfriend. I'm torn cuz it's not like he's going off to jail he fighting for the country and I kinda feel like I would be a beyotch for breaking up with him right before he goes to war but I'm almost 30 and while I don't have a deadline set in stone I don't have a year to waste either. So ladies would you wait without a ring?
 
As a 30 yr old gf NO I wouldn't wait for a yr.

Also, I honestly think he should put a ring on it prior to his deployment- that is a clear message that you two have a future together.

Like you I don't like wasting my time on people, especially men.

Im sure other ladies will chime in based on other variables regarding this situation as in how long have you two been together, have you expressed your wants/needs, etc.
 
I would say if he didn't put a ring on it then you can tell him that he shouldn't worry about what you do while he's gone. Your just going to sit around and wait...for what???? War can also change a man and his values. If he hasn't brought up marriage yet I wouldn't even bring it up to him either and start dating, exploring options.

I don't even think you need to tell him you want to break up. Just send him off and do your own thing. Date have fun, you might find something you like.

I wouldn't even want to be with someone who was giving me a ring just so I would "wait for him" sounds like the type of s*** that leads to a 7 year engagement and then yall break up.
 
How long have you been together? How old are you really (almost 30 could be 26)? How old is he?

A ring signifies nothing. He could act the fool while deployed. You could act the fool with a ring on. Instead of forcing a next step ask/discuss what really matters (to you) as a couple planning a future. If his answers or vision is not in line with what you want then bounce but I wouldn't present it as "I need a ring in order to wait for you". Cause a ring ain't gonna fix what ain't already steady and secure. Deployments are hard and military life ain't for everybody.
 
Ok you guys are making me feel better about ending it, I just feel bad cuz I know he's not happy about the deployment but of course trying to do the man thing and be strong or whatever and now I'm adding more negativity with a break up. But I just don't feel like waiting, it's not about a literal ring for me it's more about a commitment and me not feeling like Im wasting time, a year is a long time, opportunities to meet other guys etc. I'm 28 he's 27 we've been dating for 1 yr 4months, we've discussed marriage and he mentioned proposing after he got back but I feel like if you know you want to do it after you get back it wouldn't make a difference to do it before you go, unless you're just saying that to string me along. I think I need to just make a clean break now before I get even more involved and my feelings more invested.
 
chocolatethai said:
Ok you guys are making me feel better about ending it, I just feel bad cuz I know he's not happy about the deployment but of course trying to do the man thing and be strong or whatever and now I'm adding more negativity with a break up. But I just don't feel like waiting, it's not about a literal ring for me it's more about a commitment and me not feeling like Im wasting time, a year is a long time, opportunities to meet other guys etc. I'm 28 he's 27 we've been dating for 1 yr 4months, we've discussed marriage and he mentioned proposing after he got back but I feel like if you know you want to do it after you get back it wouldn't make a difference to do it before you go, unless you're just saying that to string me along. I think I need to just make a clean break now before I get even more involved and my feelings more invested.
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I think you need to have a conversation with him, and give him a chance to step up. Tell him everything you expressed in this thread, and make your expectations clear to him. If he doesn't do anything, then go ahead and break up.
 
Adonia1987 said:
I think you need to have a conversation with him, and give him a chance to step up.
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Adonia1987 said:
Tell him everything you expressed in this thread, and make your expectations clear to him. If he doesn't do anything, then go ahead and break up.
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I've tried but it feels like to me that the closer we get to his deployment (and the more info he gets about it: exactly where he's going for how long) the more and more he's retreating into himself, in the past we've talked about out future plans: marriage, buying an investment property but now when I talk about the future he gets quiet idk if he just doesn't want a future with me anymore or if he just doesn't think he's coming back from deployment :cry3:, which is why I feel bad, I feel like I'm punishing him for going to war, and I feel selfish for stressing him at Literally a life and death time in his life but...I deserve happiness too and I'm not one of those ride or die chicks, I'm more of a ride or get out the car chick
 
Stop feeling bad. He's a grown man capable of making decisions. If he wants to act like a child and not discuss the possibility of a future and what that means for both of you then that's his problem not yours.

It's real simple:
Keep living your life, go out, accept dates, be happy without a second thought OR Sit at home and wait for him to return and possibly propose to you (see how your happiness is now dependent on someone else??? You should always be in control of your emotions/happiness etc)
 
He leaves for six weeks of training tomorrow so I hope the distance will make the break up easier on the both of us, cuz spring/summer is here and that means summer dresses and my peak season. It's not that he controls my happiness cuz I have other things going on, I just wouldn't want someone to break up with me right before I went off to war and I try treat others how I would want to be treated but ultimately I have to put my best interest first. Thanks for the advise ladies I think I needed to hear that I wasnt a bad evil person for breaking up with him now, I love him but I love me more at the end of the day.
 
It sounds like you knew what you wanted to do but just needed some support. It also sounds like he's given you reason to pause. Not wanting to discuss the future would be troubling to most women. That going silent thing puts stress on you. Who knows what's going on in his head. You can't know if he doesn't share. Also, you're feeling bad about not being more supportive. But on the flip, he's leaving you for a year. That's a lot. He should be concerned about you, how you will be without him, your emotional well-being, loneliness, and him being without you too, etc. I think he is like most men though and focused on the task at hand and trying to not be emotional. I say good for you for deciding to take good care of you and staying focused on your needs and well-being. I know for sure that I would not be chasing him down for a commitment, a ring, or anything else. Good luck and keep us updated.
 
I honestly can't think of any age I would suggest a woman wait a year for a boyfriend to return home.

I would suggest being friends and keeping in touch while he is away and see how things feel in a year. He may not come back the same man that left. Send him letters and care packages and agree to see how things are when he returns.

I'm sure he's worried about his safety and maybe doesn't want to burden you with worrying about him, too. Good luck with your decision.
 
Where is he deploying to and what is his job? I ask because if he's going into combat my answer will be different than if he's going to Spain or Guam for field exercises.
 
@hopeful yea it's one of those situations where my head knows what to do but my softy heart keeps interjecting.

@frizzy ive thought of him not coming back like he left and told myself maybe God is protecting me from something I might not be able to handle. And I know he's VERY worried but trying not to show it.

@curlicarib hes going to somewhere in Saudi Arabia, he's 1 of only 4 people in his unit to go there.
 
Time waits for no man and neither should you. You're giving this too much thought and energy and YOU keep bringing up the issue, while he is being quiet. So since he wants to be quiet on the issue, give him the same. You be quiet and live your life.

You already put it out there to him so he knows what time it is. I bet he ain't quiet when he hittin it. If he isn't putting in a lot of fuss on the relationship, why should you.

Wish him luck and keep it moving. He should be pursuing you, not the other way around. Just because you guys discussed marriage doesn't mean it is with him.

No need to breakup. Just leave. Quietly. You're too young to be tryna figure his sh!t out. Figure out how you will progress in your own life while he's gone and do you. After a year, you may not want him anymore.
 
I can see both sides of the situation. Being prior service myself, many of the Soldiers I worked with had wives cheat on them during deployments, leave them during deployments, take all the money out the bank accounts, etc. A lot of men are "scared" for lack of a better term. He probably wants to see what you are going to do before he makes that commitment.

However, age is a factor here and I totally get not wanting to wait. A year is a long time and you both have been together quite a bit now. He should know what he wants and whether or not that is the road he is seeing you both going. If he is still unsure- he should let you go for the year so you both can figure out your life directions.

This was a hard question for me to answer because I was initially like she should wait. I am currently "waiting" for my SO who is in Basic Training right now. But we haven't been together as long as you two have, Basic is only two months long compared to a year deployment and my SO told me off the rip, he is ready and looking for a serious relationship that results in marriage. That was one of the first things we talked about when we met. When you have time invested, you need to see where it is heading- otherwise he is wasting your time and youth.

For reference, my guy is soon to be 29 and me soon to be 31. I asked him what he was looking for, then I told him that I was dating with a purpose.

It is probably already done with you two but just writing to validate your feelings.
 
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movingforward13 said:
I can see both sides of the situation. Being prior service myself, many of the Soldiers I worked with had wives cheat on them during deployments, leave them during deployments, take all the money out the bank accounts, etc. A lot of men are "scared" for lack of a better term. He probably wants to see what you are going to do before he makes that commitment.

However, age is a factor here and I totally get not wanting to wait. A year is a long time and you both have been together quite a bit now. He should know what he wants and whether or not that is the road he is seeing you both going. If he is still unsure- he should let you go for the year so you both can figure out your life directions.

This was a hard question for me to answer because I was initially like she should wait. I am currently "waiting" for my SO who is in Basic Training right now. But we haven't been together as long as you two have, Basic is only two months long compared to a year deployment and my SO told me off the rip, he is ready and looking for a serious relationship that results in marriage. That was one of the first things we talked about when we met. When you have time invested, you need to see where it is heading- otherwise he is wasting your time and youth.

For reference, my guy is soon to be 29 and me soon to be 31. I asked him what he was looking for, then I told him that I was dating with a purpose.

It is probably already done with you two but just writing to validate your feelings.
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Thanks @movingforward13 i appriciate the opinion of someone in the military, I appriciate all the opinions but you guys know what I mean. I knew he was afraid but it hadn't dawned on me that he might be afraid of what I would do when he was gone. it's sad that I can understand this dude more from talking to you ladies that I can from talking to him, smh. At this point I've fallen all the way back with plans of letting it fade to black. I do love him and he's a great guy but I can't do this whole quiet thing, I have no problem with being faithful for a year but it has to be going somewhere. And if you can't verbalize that to me then I'm not going to put my life on hold based on what you've said in the past.
 
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chocolatethai said:
@curlicarib hes going to somewhere in Saudi Arabia, he's 1 of only 4 people in his unit to go there.
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?

$hit he IS NOT being deployed to a COMBAT ZONE; if he were going to a "hot spot" I'd answer differently. As someone who has been in his position (deployment) to "hot spots"; I have not compassion for his seemingly "withdrawl" from the you or the discussions you want to have.

Straight-no-Chaser: Girlfriend just play the game; be supportive to him.....but take care of yourself. You stated "I'm not one of those ride or die chicks, I'm more of a ride or get out the car chick" but you are currently involved with a guy who doesn't understand "$hit or GET OFF THE POT". To put it simply even if you push his buttons and he DOES ask for an ENGAGEMENT IMHO you'd just be on LAYAWAY; heck even as a (single) woman I wanted someone to comeback too; I can't blame him for that.

I am 90% certain that the only bullets he'd be concerned about harming him in Saudi will be the ones in a POWERPOINT presentation or the ones on his EVALUATIONS; not from enemy combatants. Ask him point blank how dangerous his Saudi assignment will be.

If I sound salty it's because I've witnessed too many females hold their breath waiting for their "soldier" to return from a deployment (paying bills, keeping it tight, etc) only to be replaced soon after their said soldier returns.

//s//
GI Jane
 
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i wouldn't date a soldier so i have no perspective on that but if i were dating a guy who, say, had to move to a different state in order to advance his career and we weren't engaged... no, i would probably give him the opportunity to lock it down but if not i would tell him it would probably be ok if we saw other people then tried to pick it up when he came back, if we were both still interested. but i would be expecting him to pop the question if this was someone i thought was the one.
 
bklynbornNbred said:
How long have you been together? How old are you really (almost 30 could be 26)? How old is he?

A ring signifies nothing. He could act the fool while deployed. You could act the fool with a ring on. Instead of forcing a next step ask/discuss what really matters (to you) as a couple planning a future. If his answers or vision is not in line with what you want then bounce but I wouldn't present it as "I need a ring in order to wait for you". Cause a ring ain't gonna fix what ain't already steady and secure. Deployments are hard and military life ain't for everybody.
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I just was about to say this. My dad told me he gave all his girlfriends a ring before he got deployed lol. And didn't marry nada after coming back.
 
I wouldn't bother breaking it off- just do him like he doing you and slowly fade out... This joker going to some opulent complex in Saudi and not a war zone yet trying to act all deep.
Maybe he's depressed but that ain't your problem...let him miss you homie...
 
Farida said:
OP what happened?
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Update: *****s ain't ****! Lol well that one wasn't. So I listened to my head and the ladies on here and just let things fade. He wasn't really accepting it was over so I had a final "I been done wit chu!" convo while I was in Vegas on vacation. So...come to find out this ***** has a fresh baby! Fresh as in about a week old when I found out! And when I did my counting I realized the baby was conceived around the time I went home to the Caribbean last year to bury my mom :mad::(. If that wasn't a sign I made the right choice I don't know what is, listening to my heart would have had my dumb self waiting for a year for a liar, cheater and new father! This just goes to show you should always put your wants/feelings ahead of others because you never know what these fools are really doing in the streets. I came on here and proclaimed what a good guy he was, making excuses for him and everything and this whole time he was laying it low and spreading it wide lol. So yea..slightly rough start to the summer but things can only go up from being cheated and had a baby on, right? I think I need a prayer circle it worked for Cici and while I wasn't the one having the rachet baby I was involved in a rachet baby situation.
 
chocolatethai said:
Update: *****s ain't ****! Lol well that one wasn't. So I listened to my head and the ladies on here and just let things fade. He wasn't really accepting it was over so I had a final "I been done wit chu!" convo while I was in Vegas on vacation. So...come to find out this ***** has a fresh baby! Fresh as in about a week old when I found out! And when I did my counting I realized the baby was conceived around the time I went home to the Caribbean last year to bury my mom :mad::(. If that wasn't a sign I made the right choice I don't know what is, listening to my heart would have had my dumb self waiting for a year for a liar, cheater and new father! This just goes to show you should always put your wants/feelings ahead of others because you never know what these fools are really doing in the streets. I came on here and proclaimed what a good guy he was, making excuses for him and everything and this whole time he was laying it low and spreading it wide lol. So yea..slightly rough start to the summer but things can only go up from being cheated and had a baby on, right? I think I need a prayer circle it worked for Cici and while I wasn't the one having the rachet baby I was involved in a rachet baby situation.
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Good thing you missed out. I was going to post on the thread that I think you should pass on him but then realized your post was old. You sure dodged 50,000 bullets.
 
Girl, moral of the story, follow your gut! Thank you for this thread, if anything I got out of this is that!

You'll be fine (both physically and emotionally) and I'm sure your prince charming is out there!
 
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