Would you marry a great guy thats not the one?
- Thread starter jaiku
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I would and did. People say "wait for your one true love", who says that's in the cards for you. My uncle waiting until he was 49, I wasn't willing to wait that long.
BMoreFlyy
New Member
I don't know. I would hope that I wouldn't. Mainly because when I get married its for the rest of our lives, so I need to feel like I can wake up every single day and see this person, and feel like I'm at home. I don't want it to be oh, you're great, and I think we can make it work somehow. I feel like there's someone for everyone.
To add to DLewis statement... I still feel like he in a way became her "one". I guess it's situational. Many people have married someone they thought was great and have stayed married for many years.
To add to DLewis statement... I still feel like he in a way became her "one". I guess it's situational. Many people have married someone they thought was great and have stayed married for many years.
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You are right he is my "one" now after many years of marriage. The finished product will reveal alot. If my love for him can continue to grow, we continue to get closer, are successful in raising our children and helping our grandchildren. That's what I want. You see marriage is about alot for than how you feel about someone. Feelings change. For me it's about committment.
DH and I say that we are in the process of writing a wonderful love story and we are the main characters.
seeminglysweet
New Member
I guess I need a definition of "the one" I hear the term thrown around often and I understand the concept of it but when I think about it in terms of marriage I feel like the person that you are comfortable saying "I do" to is the one???
I dunno, I'm confused. It's been a rough day.
I dunno, I'm confused. It's been a rough day.
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
I don't necessarily believe that there's just this "one great love" that's out there.
I think good marriages are what you make of it and who you make them with. You can be in a happy marriage and have your needs fulfilled, but I don't believe there is only one person out there in the whole wide world who can do that.
I think good marriages are what you make of it and who you make them with. You can be in a happy marriage and have your needs fulfilled, but I don't believe there is only one person out there in the whole wide world who can do that.
jaiku
Well-Known Member
Well my boyfriend and I have been together 10 years and the marriage talk has been coming up and no one understands why I am hesitant. I know he’s not the one but I do love him dearly and I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. But we definitely don’t see eye to eye on a couple of things. I’m not one of those people who think that I can change someone. I have to determine if this is something I can accept. But what really got me thinking about this is something my grandmother said. She didn’t know I heard her but she said it was a shame that I would probably get married without ever being in love. That got me thinking about this magical mystical “one” person.
mstee eyes
New Member
I would and did. People say "wait for your one true love", who says that's in the cards for you. My uncle waiting until he was 49, I wasn't willing to wait that long.
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I agree with dlewis, I did and my husband was not my true love when we where first married, we have been married now for 10 years and I truly love my husband and I think that I made the right choice. He is a good husband and a great father. I and my children have never wanted for anything. I married him for the qualities that he had not because I was in love with him but I think that it’s different for everybody.
ClassicBeauty
New Member
I agree. My perfect "one" would be a combination of 3 different guys that I have dated, and he would look like Boris Kodjo! That person does not exist. Sweet and dependable like guy 1, fun like guy 2, cool like guy 3.
I have decided to accept that that person only exists in my own mind and to accept the men for who they are and who makes me the happiest. I think it's really more about being with someone who wants the same things that you want and at the same time. If that's the case, almost everything else can be worked on.
I think I'm going with DLewis on this one.
I'm prob gonna be hit over the head and kicked off the forum for this.
That "in love" feeling comes and goes for most people. My parents were soooo in love with each other and still is yet I've been married longer than they were. They had the love affair of their time and everyone still, to this day talks about it. BUT they're not together. With 5 marriages between them because they married for love alone. Theres more to marriage than that.
Wow. This is soooo deep. Is him not being 'the one' about you not being in love with him? Or is it not getting butterflies? Or not seeing eye to eye on children or religion?
You've been with your boyfriend for 10 years? At some point you had to think he was the one, yes? That's a LONG TIME to be with somebody who may not be permanent long-term material....
But to answer your question I'll share this story: there's a guy who I know would make a good husband, e.g., provider, has integrity, etc., but we are not...how can I say... in sync in terms of life goals, personal/professional aspirations, etc. I've known him a good 10 years. He's talked a lot about wanting to do this and go there and do that, but really not much has manifested. We are not in sync in terms of just having an meaningful conversation about world affairs, etc. So yes, he'd be a good provider, but it wouldn't take long for me to wake up every morning mad at the world, mad at him, mad at myself for "settling" because I was lonely, it was the right thing to do, he asked, etc.
So to me, "the one" isn't perfect, but there's compatibility, commitment, care and concern about similar things, etc. And as you grow together, it's hopeful that the couple becomes in sync... each other's "one"....
But to answer your question I'll share this story: there's a guy who I know would make a good husband, e.g., provider, has integrity, etc., but we are not...how can I say... in sync in terms of life goals, personal/professional aspirations, etc. I've known him a good 10 years. He's talked a lot about wanting to do this and go there and do that, but really not much has manifested. We are not in sync in terms of just having an meaningful conversation about world affairs, etc. So yes, he'd be a good provider, but it wouldn't take long for me to wake up every morning mad at the world, mad at him, mad at myself for "settling" because I was lonely, it was the right thing to do, he asked, etc.
So to me, "the one" isn't perfect, but there's compatibility, commitment, care and concern about similar things, etc. And as you grow together, it's hopeful that the couple becomes in sync... each other's "one"....
gone_fishing
New Member
I don't believe in "the one". I believe there are probably several men that I could live happily ever after with.
I don't believe in the one because I refuse to believe that only 1 out of 3 billion men on the planet is right for me and all the rest are wrong. Finding "the one" out of 3 billion is just bad odds.
I don't believe in the one because I refuse to believe that only 1 out of 3 billion men on the planet is right for me and all the rest are wrong. Finding "the one" out of 3 billion is just bad odds.
SvelteVelvet
Well-Known Member
I don't believe in marrying for love alone. I would marry a great guy that treats me good and would be a great husband and provider to myself and kids, I'd have to feel some kind of love for him, as a matter of fact I don't do anything less than intense when it comes to relationships, but I would definately marry him over someone else I may have a deeper connection with but doesn't 'qualify' so to speak for the position of husband and father.
That's kinda the story of my life right now, or soon to be story of my life. I had a very deep connection and love with an ex who is trying to come back into my life. But right now I'm involved with a great great guy, (who happens to be just as sexy if not sexier
) who is more strong-willed, wants the same things in life and doesn't carry the 'issues' the ex does. I know I will marry him over my ex, I believe I love him more because of the qualities that make me want to marry him.
So what is that 'one love' mean then in this case? I believe your 'one love' is whoever you've CHOSEN to be your one love. Because I would marry this new guy, even having a certain type of 'love' for an ex, isn't the new guy THE ONE? I believe so.
That's kinda the story of my life right now, or soon to be story of my life. I had a very deep connection and love with an ex who is trying to come back into my life. But right now I'm involved with a great great guy, (who happens to be just as sexy if not sexier
) who is more strong-willed, wants the same things in life and doesn't carry the 'issues' the ex does. I know I will marry him over my ex, I believe I love him more because of the qualities that make me want to marry him.So what is that 'one love' mean then in this case? I believe your 'one love' is whoever you've CHOSEN to be your one love. Because I would marry this new guy, even having a certain type of 'love' for an ex, isn't the new guy THE ONE? I believe so.
bLackButtaFly
Well-Known Member
Def. I think marriage like the other ladies have said about more than just love. To me it's like buying a car. Sure there's a dream car that you'd love you see in your driveway, but it's way too expensive and you might ruin your finanaces trying to afford it. when there's a perfectly good, solid, safe car that fits a car seat, and is in your price range, and there are a couple different models of your safe reliable vehicle, and possibly some other color combos, but you're pleased and satisfied with the one you've got.
Connie
Well-Known Member
Everyone's definition of a 'great guy' is relative, but after marrying a man for all the wrong reasons and almost marrying a 'good' man that I didn't really love (because I luckily came to my senses), I'll never marry none other than the "one" I'm truly in love with and with whom I share similar goals and beliefs. I can't say that I believe in the idea of 'the one', but I do believe we eventually end up with whom we were meant to be with.
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Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
I don't even know what "the one" is anymore 
treybaby2005
Well-Known Member
Me eitherI don't even know what "the one" is anymore
jaiku
Well-Known Member
ShaniKeys
New Member
Yeah me too, because I was thinking great guy=the one, or is the great guy more like someone you really care about but have absolutely no feelings for?
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
I've already talked about this, but I have a great guy in my life. I mean, he's wonderful! Attentive. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. The greatest thing ever. But I'm not in love with him and I'm not even attracted to him. People say that I should just be with him, but really, is that fair to me? It doesn't seem fair. He would be getting everything from the relationship while I would be miserable. He's ready to marry me, but I feel absolutely nothing for him. I'm not attracted to him at all. I don't love him. And the idea of marrying someone that I'm not attracted to and do not love really frightens me. How can anyone be in a loveless relationship? 
So I'm going on with my life, trying to get out there and date. I'm dealing a lot with the guilt associated with that because I don't want to hurt him. But I must be happy. I cannot be happy with someone that I do not love, no matter how great he is. I can't do it. When I marry I will know that he's the one. I wouldn't have to constantly question. I will know, and while my mind may think that he's the guy to be with, if my heart is not in it, I simply can't do it. But yes, I am dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt because he's such a good person who deserves to be with someone who will love him like he deserves.
So I'm going on with my life, trying to get out there and date. I'm dealing a lot with the guilt associated with that because I don't want to hurt him. But I must be happy. I cannot be happy with someone that I do not love, no matter how great he is. I can't do it. When I marry I will know that he's the one. I wouldn't have to constantly question. I will know, and while my mind may think that he's the guy to be with, if my heart is not in it, I simply can't do it. But yes, I am dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt because he's such a good person who deserves to be with someone who will love him like he deserves.
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
That's what I think she means. See my response above. I can't do it. It seems unfair on many levels.
tatje
New Member
I've already talked about this, but I have a great guy in my life. I mean, he's wonderful! Attentive. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. The greatest thing ever. But I'm not in love with him and I'm not even attracted to him. People say that I should just be with him, but really, is that fair to me? It doesn't seem fair. He would be getting everything from the relationship while I would be miserable. He's ready to marry me, but I feel absolutely nothing for him. I'm not attracted to him at all. I don't love him. And the idea of marrying someone that I'm not attracted to and do not love really frightens me. How can anyone be in a loveless relationship?
So I'm going on with my life, trying to get out there and date. I'm dealing a lot with the guilt associated with that because I don't want to hurt him. But I must be happy. I cannot be happy with someone that I do not love, no matter how great he is. I can't do it. When I marry I will know that he's the one. I wouldn't have to constantly question. I will know, and while my mind may think that he's the guy to be with, if my heart is not in it, I simply can't do it. But yes, I am dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt because he's such a good person who deserves to be with someone who will love him like he deserves.
I know what you mean to the T. It's crazy because I would think my great guy is just great, but not for me. And I would feel guilty in thinking this is what many women dream of (by how he treats me and talks to me), but yet I'm saying no
. But I had to let go, because I am always and have been driven by passion, I just cannot live settling. It was to a point that I felt that I rather live by myself then be with this great guy because it was just too much.ClassicBeauty
New Member
Just be careful. The guy I thought may have been "the one" was really more lust than love. There was a lot of passion between us. He gave me the butterflies. I was CRAZY about him! BUT in reality, I know that the passion that I felt would not be enough to make a marriage work. It takes a whole lot more. I'm sure that those feelings would fade over time. What I think are marriage qualities are not butterflies. I want responsibility, dependability, respect, devotion, etc. Now that I'm a little older, those are much more important than the butterflies this guy gave me. I don't think he would make a good husband. Not for me or for anyone else. Most of the guys who give us butterflies are not the marrying type. They are thrills only! (At least that was my experience)
PoeticJustice
Active Member
I couldn't agree more with this. I was with my ex for 12 years BEFORE we got married. Hindsight, he was the one at that time. We were only married for 3 years. I look at it as I've learned how to be a better wife for my next DH (when I meet him
) but at that time, yeah I guess my ex was "the one".
caribeandiva
Human being
no i wouldn't. my heart wouldn't let me.
Serenity_Peace
Genius never dies!
See, the issue I have is that I know this guy is a good guy, but why do I have to settle for someone that I'm not even attracted to? I know that there's more to life and marriage than attraction and love. But I simply cannot be with someone that I'm not even remotely attracted to. Shouldn't at least attraction be there. I understand that one can learn to love someone later on, but you cannot have a relationship without physical or emotional attraction.
Kudos to you ladies who can do this. I still think that "the one" is out there. Men are never asked to settle. Women are and I don't think it's right. I'd rather just accept being alone and single for the rest of my life than being in an unhappy relationship or marriage. It's not worth it.
My story: my mother and father married for all the so-called "right" reasons. My father is a doctor. My mother is a medical researcher. They had the perfect American life: a huge house, two kids, a dog, great jobs. So it was entirely practical for my mother to want to be with my father. He was a terrific provider, a true Head of Household, but he was very distant emotionally. He was never really there, though he was a great father. You can be a wonderful father but a horrible Dad. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old. Why? Not because my parents didn't provide. Not because they were bad people who didn't love their children. They divorced because they never really loved each other (trust me on this). They just felt that they were doing what society told them to do...get married, forget love.
Yes, this guy would be great for me...though there are other confounding factors that would complicate our relationship. (I told ya'll that he has a disease that will eventually make him blind. He also has a hearing problem.) But the bottom line is that while I value his friendship and think he's a great guy, I know that he's not the one for me.
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