Women's Empowerment Challenge

[Xavier]

Hey Ladies,
There have been a number of threads lately about women trying to handle a recent breakup. I myself have been struggling with letting go of a past relationship for a couple year now. Connie's post in a thread that was started yesterday really inspired me.

Connie(I hope it's okay):
I'm the type that when a guy breaks up with me and insists he means it, I cease ALL contact with him. Meaning he doesn't get to spend the night at my house because he's too drunk to drive. I'll put him up in a cab and send him on his way. Meaning I don't return his calls; I erase any messages he leaves on my machine or voicemail without listening to them and I'm not home if he decides to stop by and 'chat'. And if he sees me out in the street I MIGHT say hello and keep on walking, or I'll not speak at all.

If I see him cuddled up next to a new chick, I keep it moving. If he sees me, I don't make eye contact or acknowledge him. I don't go over and start being 'friendly' because I really don't want or need to get to know his new chick better and it just adds salt to the wound, kwim? More importantly, I want to get the message that I'm as done with him as he says he is with me and it doesn't matter who he f**ks, even if I idea of him being with someone else still hurts.

When I see any of his friends and they ask about us, I dismiss the subject and talk about something else, and/or I don't ask about him at all.

And if by chance dude didn't mean it when he said he wanted to break up? We can talk about it....whenever I decide to take some time out of moving with my life to even care.

I don't play.
__________________

Well for the ladies who are interested I thought it would be great to start a challenge to encourage one another, discuss our weakness, and allow for some accountability among us.The challenge will be for 60 days, and hopefully, will extend far beyond after the challenge is complete. The challenge will start on Monday, March 17th and end on May 17th. Here are the rules:

-Absolutely NO CALLING!!! Erase his phone # from your phone. Deleted his email from your contact list.

-DO NOT let him come over for any reason. No sex, no sleeping in the same bed, no spending alone time together, no stopping by.

-If he calls DO NOT pick up. He should be on ignore. You have other pertinent matters to attend to. Keep yourself busy so that he is not always on your mind.

-Do not visit his facebook and/or myspace page(s). You are hurting at this time, and it is so easy to just go to these sites to trying and find out what he has going on in his life.

-DO NOT go to places that you know he frequents. If mutual friends are getting together and you know he may be there, decline the invitation. Try to avoid any chance of running into him.

-Discard his belongings or put them away. You don't need anything lingering around that reminds you of him.

Lastly remind yourself each day:

"I am beautiful and deserve a man who loves me"

"I am strong and independent and I will be patient with the plan that God has for me"

"I will not settle for less, I deserve better than what he was offering to me"

"I will love myself first and foremost before I invite anyone into my life"

"I am a women of substance and my worth is immeasurable"

These are just a few I came up with. Please feel free to personalize your own.

I hope that those who participate in the challenge will be RENEWED, RELIEVED, and REWARDED. Be strong and know that you are not alone in your struggle, and it is possible to move on and actually be happy once again.:Rose:

 

[envybeauty]

I am all for the things you posted but I am also for closure. I did what you posted after a major breakup and didn't see or speak to fool for two years. Yet, I still needed closure. I ran into fool at an event after the 2 years and ignored him but my heart was racing. He then called a month later, we met up, and I got my closure.

Closure for me was seeing him, seeing that he had gained weight, his house a mess, and he was not doing better without me. Prior to that point, my mind wandered and I ended up pissed thinking that his life was going oh so great while I was dealing with some stuff. But such was not the case.

I say do all what you stated, but realize that some women need closure and closure does not come easily on your own.

 

[TCatt86]

This is a good challenge. I'm in, I guess I need to find new spots to go out in. Because I was going to hit up the club that he goes to, but I'm down. And Connie kept it real, I think her advice was dead on.

 

[Xavier]

I am all for the things you posted but I am also for closure. I did what you posted after a major breakup and didn't see or speak to fool for two years. Yet, I still needed closure. I ran into fool at an event after the 2 years and ignored him but my heart was racing. He then called a month later, we met up, and I got my closure.

Closure for me was seeing him, seeing that he had gained weight, his house a mess, and he was not doing better without me. Prior to that point, my mind wandered and I ended up pissed thinking that his life was going oh so great while I was dealing with some stuff. But such was not the case.

I say do all what you stated, but realize that some women need closure and closure does not come easily on your own.

I agree with you but I think that with many women it is not about closure at all. Depending on how the breakup occured, yes it maybe neccessary. It also seems that the women who are able to start another relationship or move on in a decent amount of time sever ties and keep it moving. In your case you were relieved with knowing that the guy was not doing as well as you thought, but in a lot of cases the guy has moved on to another woman and seems happy, which only makes things even more devastating. I am all for closure if you need it, but I think that a lot of women get the closure or answers to their questions about why it didn't work, and still have yet to be free. ETA: I am one of those women.

 

[envybeauty]

I guess we are defining closure differently.

To me, if a woman has closure, it would not matter that he exists. To the point of wanting to call him, to email him, or to contact him otherwise. That desire would not be there (to contact him) if you were closed off from him.

The women who move on and keep it moving, have closure if they DONT feel the need to look back.

I still think about fool and other fools from time to time, the same way I do old classmates, female friends I no longer talk to, etc....so that will not change. That is normal. But there is no internal heartbreak or desire to contact anyone because I have my closure.


Good luck with it.

I agree with you but I think that with many women it is not about closure at all. Depending on how the breakup occured, yes it maybe neccessary. It also seems that the women who are able to start another relationship or move on in a decent amount of time sever ties and keep it moving. In your case you were relieved with knowing that the guy was not doing as well as you thought, but in a lot of cases the guy has moved on to another woman and seems happy, which only makes things even more devastating. I am all for closure if you need it, but I think that a lot of women get the closure or answers to their questions about why it didn't work, and still have yet to be free. ETA: I am one of those women.

 

[Connie]

I'm glad you all found my post inspiring. It's not easy letting go of someone you may still have a thing for, but there's no sense in making the pain worse by letting some guy put you through an emotional wringer when after all is said and done you're still alone and he's with someone else. In the time you spend going back and forth in a relationship that's doing nothing but wearing down your spirit, you could be healing and moving on to better things for yourself.

Good luck, Ladies.

 

[Xavier]

I guess we are defining closure differently.

To me, if a woman has closure, it would not matter that he exists. To the point of wanting to call him, to email him, or to contact him otherwise. That desire would not be there (to contact him) if you were closed off from him.

The women who move on and keep it moving, have closure if they feel the need to look back.

I still think about fool and other fools from time to time, the same way I do old classmates, female friends I no longer talk to, etc....so that will not change. That is normal. But there is no internal heartbreak or desire to contact anyone because I have my closure.


Good luck with it.

Yes closure for one person may not be the same for someone else. For me closure does not have to involve the other party at all. I also stand corrected in the example that I gave before. True closure would mean that I have moved and am over my ex. So I guess I have not gotten closure afterall. But I do think that it is possible without the other party.

http://www.blackvoices.com/lifemain/love/closure

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/coping-with-closure?page= 1

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Love this. I'm already 30 days in to a personal challenge of this sort. I implemented rewards for myself at 30, 60, and 90 days. It's quite motivating.

Also, 60 days is indeed a magic number. Every time I've ever made it 60 days without contact with an ex or even a toxic female friend, the world has seemed infinitely more hopeful and brighter. So, hang in there ladies! It does get better. The waves of sadness will become fewer and get lighter.

Commit to moving past it and you will! Good luck to everybody, and my PM box is always open for those who need to vent or need a word of encouragement.

ETA: Ladies, please resist the urge to mope and be sad and look like a bum. Do your hair, makeup, and nails and look fly every day. Looking great on the inside definitely contributes to feeling great on the inside...every time you walk of out the house, ask yourself, "If (insert ex-boyfriend's name here) saw me today, how would I feel?" The answer should be FABULOUS!

Also, get serious about your personal goals. It's SO helpful in reconnecting with yourself and detaching your identity from the relationship and your ex. Plus, the BEST revenge you can ever get is leading a happy, full life and adjusting in a facilitating way.

 

[TCatt86]

I'm doing friends too. I have a friend that has just been toxic to me and I had a hard time letting her go, but my life has been drama filled and when I cut her loose it's gotten alot better.

 

[Xavier]

Love this. I'm already 30 days in to a personal challenge of this sort. I implemented rewards for myself at 30, 60, and 90 days. It's quite motivating.

Also, 60 days is indeed a magic number. Every time I've ever made it 60 days without contact with an ex or even a toxic female friend, the world has seemed infinitely more hopeful and brighter. So, hang in there ladies! It does get better. The waves of sadness will become fewer and get lighter.

Commit to moving past it and you will! Good luck to everybody, and my PM box is always open for those who need to vent or need a word of encouragement.

ETA: Ladies, please resist the urge to mope and be sad and look like a bum. Do your hair, makeup, and nails and look fly every day. Looking great on the inside definitely contributes to feeling great on the inside...every time you walk of out the house, ask yourself, "If (insert ex-boyfriend's name here) saw me today, how would I feel?" The answer should be FABULOUS!

Also, get serious about your personal goals. It's SO helpful in reconnecting with yourself and detaching your identity from the relationship and your ex. Plus, the BEST revenge you can ever get is leading a happy, full life and adjusting in a facilitating way.

Great advice DI!

 

[Xavier]

for others to read.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Thanks for starting this thread and challenge. I am in 100%. I don't have anything to add to this point.

As you may or may not know from my thread i've been through alot lately with my "ex". wow! yes, we broke up and I'm good. I couldn't take all the arguments while i was hurting emotionally over other stuff. He still needs to come and get his belongings from my place.

my closure:
I called him yesterday and very calmly asked him to please come by and collect his belongings. I haven't decided what i'm going to do about the other thing we are involved in as yet. If I left i don't think it would hinder my career too much. I'm still thinking about the best move for me.

AGAIN, i'm with all you ladies. Let's Stay strong! For our sanity and self esteem.

 

[MzLady78]

This is a fantastic idea and I wish you all the best of luck!

 

[Xavier]

Thanks for starting this thread and challenge. I am in 100%. I don't have anything to add to this point.

As you may or may not know from my thread i've been through alot lately with my "ex". wow! yes, we broke up and I'm good. I couldn't take all the arguments while i was hurting emotionally over other stuff. He still needs to come and get his belongings from my place.

my closure:
I called him yesterday and very calmly asked him to please come by and collect his belongings. I haven't decided what i'm going to do about the other thing we are involved in as yet. If I left i don't think it would hinder my career too much. I'm still thinking about the best move for me.

AGAIN, i'm with all you ladies. Let's Stay strong! For our sanity and self esteem.

I am so very happy that you are on board. I do hope that this challenge will be just what we need to move on and come out better than before.

 

[jrae]

Count me in!

I have two relationships in mind. One I need to completely divest myself of. The other I need to take a break from.

 

[Kutie85]

I definately need to do this! I bought this book It's called a breakup cause it's broken and it suggest doing 60 days no contact too. The longest I been able to go is thirty days. ( pitful I know) We broke up a year and a half ago and we were together for five years and he was my first love.I haven't actually seen him since july 2007 but we talk on the phone off and on. All this time has been like a rollercoaster. One week he wants to try to to work things out the next he doesn't. He blames me for everything that went wrong and thinks he was a perfect boyfriend. I didn't here from him for two weeks and he told me that everytime I called was a bad time and he didn't have a chance to call me back. So from that point on I have decided to make a strong effort to get over this once and for all! Logically I know that he is a loser and I need to get over it but for some reason I am still stuck on stupid and can't let go. What is wrong with me?

-Absolutely NO CALLING!!! Erase his phone # from your phone. Deleted his email from your contact list. I've tried erasing his number but I don't have his number memorized and I answer unknown calls on my cell phone. So now I have his name in my phonebook but his ringer is programmed on silent so I don't know when he calls me.

-DO NOT let him come over for any reason. No sex, no sleeping in the same bed, no spending alone time together, no stopping by. This is really easy since I go to school out of state and I'm rarely ever home .

-If he calls DO NOT pick up. He should be on ignore. You have other pertinent matters to attend to. Keep yourself busy so that he is not always on your mind. I have trouble with this is usually when I'm lonley i'll pick up. Since he stopped calling I don't have to deal with this anymore.

-Do not visit his facebook and/or myspace page(s). You are hurting at this time, and it is so easy to just go to these sites to trying and find out what he has going on in his life. We are not facebook friends anymore but his page is open so I can still see it. So I put him on my block list so his name won't appear. myspace where not friends but I'm still tempted to go on there. why I don't know because I always end up seeing something that hurts me anyway.

-DO NOT go to places that you know he frequents. If mutual friends are getting together and you know he may be there, decline the invitation. Try to avoid any chance of running into him.
This isn't a problem we don't do the same activities or have the same friends.
-Discard his belongings or put them away. You don't need anything lingering around that reminds you of him. I took down all the pictures and told my family members especially my mom to stop metioning his name and asking about it.

 

[Xavier]

I definately need to do this! I bought this book It's called a breakup cause it's broken and it suggest doing 60 days no contact too. The longest I been able to go is thirty days. ( pitful I know) We broke up a year and a half ago and we were together for five years and he was my first love.I haven't actually seen him since july 2007 but we talk on the phone off and on. All this time has been like a rollercoaster. One week he wants to try to to work things out the next he doesn't. He blames me for everything that went wrong and thinks he was a perfect boyfriend. I didn't here from him for two weeks and he told me that everytime I called was a bad time and he didn't have a chance to call me back. So from that point on I have decided to make a strong effort to get over this once and for all! Logically I know that he is a loser and I need to get over it but for some reason I am still stuck on stupid and can't let go. What is wrong with me?

-Absolutely NO CALLING!!! Erase his phone # from your phone. Deleted his email from your contact list. I've tried erasing his number but I don't have his number memorized and I answer unknown calls on my cell phone. So now I have his name in my phonebook but his ringer is programmed on silent so I don't know when he calls me.

-DO NOT let him come over for any reason. No sex, no sleeping in the same bed, no spending alone time together, no stopping by. This is really easy since I go to school out of state and I'm rarely ever home .

-If he calls DO NOT pick up. He should be on ignore. You have other pertinent matters to attend to. Keep yourself busy so that he is not always on your mind. I have trouble with this is usually when I'm lonley i'll pick up. Since he stopped calling I don't have to deal with this anymore.

-Do not visit his facebook and/or myspace page(s). You are hurting at this time, and it is so easy to just go to these sites to trying and find out what he has going on in his life. We are not facebook friends anymore but his page is open so I can still see it. So I put him on my block list so his name won't appear. myspace where not friends but I'm still tempted to go on there. why I don't know because I always end up seeing something that hurts me anyway.

-DO NOT go to places that you know he frequents. If mutual friends are getting together and you know he may be there, decline the invitation. Try to avoid any chance of running into him.
This isn't a problem we don't do the same activities or have the same friends.
-Discard his belongings or put them away. You don't need anything lingering around that reminds you of him. I took down all the pictures and told my family members especially my mom to stop metioning his name and asking about it.

From what I am reading it sounds like you are off to a great start.

 

[TCatt86]

I just want to say, I went the whole weekend with no contact. Somedays were really hard, but I feel alot better. I've been reading the bible and that really has helped to. It would be nice if someone could give me some scriptures dealing with healing and moving on. He called friday and asked if he had anything of importance. I told him all he had was clothes and those could be replaced, honestly I wanted to see hime, but I held strong. I think at the end of the 60 days I am going to have a party to celebrate my milestone. Good Luck ladies.

ETA: I also spent the weekend with my mama so I wouldn't be alone. And I'm spending the week with my dad to keep me from calling or texting him. It's a little drastic but it will work.

 

[Xavier]

I just want to say, I went the whole weekend with no contact. Somedays were really hard, but I feel alot better. I've been reading the bible and that really has helped to. It would be nice if someone could give me some scriptures dealing with healing and moving on. He called friday and asked if he had anything of importance. I told him all he had was clothes and those could be replaced, honestly I wanted to see hime, but I held strong. I think at the end of the 60 days I am going to have a party to celebrate my milestone. Good Luck ladies.

ETA: I also spent the weekend with my mama so I wouldn't be alone. And I'm spending the week with my dad to keep me from calling or texting him. It's a little drastic but it will work.

You are doing well it seems.

I will look up some scriptures and get back to you.

 

[sapphire74]

Is anyone still doing this challenge, if so, how is it going? I wasn't doing so well in this challenge so I am starting over today!

 

[Kutie85]

So far I've done 45 days no contact. I'm doing a lot better I just get mad at myself for not realizing that he was such a a**hole sooner. Now I am trying to learn how to be happy being single.

 

[Xavier]

Hey
It's okay if you have to start over...at least you didn't give up all together. As for me the challenge has been going very well. Partly due to the fact that I have been swamped and haven't had time to really dwell on the matter. Try to find things that make you happy and will keep you busy... it really works. I am avaliable in PM land if you want to talk there as well.

 

[Xavier]

How are we doing ladies?

 

[sapphire74]

I'm doing very well Xavier! I am sticking to my guns!

 

[Xavier]

I'm doing very well Xavier! I am sticking to my guns!

That is so nice to hear.

I have been surprising myself with what I have been able to accomplish during this challenge. I will definitely continue to do what I am doing long after it is over.

 

[Xavier]

Well today is the last day of the challenge ladies. Of course that doesn't mean we are returning back to our old behavior but what it does mean is that you a freed or closer to being freed from heartache and pain. I hope that those of you who participated were encouraged and know your value and that you deserve the best that life has to offer.

During this challenge I was faced with a few obstacles but it was nothing to great for me to handle. I am happy and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I would love to hear of your experiences...

 

[gn1g]

coming back later.

 

[MzLady78]

Yeah....so when I first posted in this thread, I didn't need it.

I sure the hell need it now.

 

[sapphire74]

This will be a good challenge to start again in the New Year!