jerseygurl
Not a new member
That's ok, move on and find yourself a good man
Getting Shot Down by First Man I've ever approached...
- Thread starter softblackcotton
- Start date
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You shouldn't have had to ask. How hard is it to say, I'm flattered but I have a girlfriend? Then he has the nerve to want to be friends. I feel sorry for his girlfriend. Sorry it didn't work out though, I know it's disappointing.
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
@softblackcotton-If he were a decent man he should have mentioned his girlfriend when you first met.
Let her have him he's no prize.
Your special someone is out there.
Live each day confidently knowing this.
You never know when he will show up so be ready
Sent from my Nexus S 4G using Nexus S 4G
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Lilac87
Well-Known Member
Men kill me with this. Seriously, why can't they just be upfront and tell you when you first meet that they are involved with someone else??? My goodness.
Anyway, keep your head up, I know you'll find someone better than this guy. Don't lose faith.
allmundjoi
New Member
GoingNatural
Well-Known Member
People always I'm crazy bc I won't approach men. I figure if a man wants you he won't let you get away. If he does it's because he has things going on like a girlfriend or some other drama.
I know there are shy men, etc. But I prefer alpha men so if he's too timid to approach me then he's not for me anyway.
Don't do the friend zone thing OP. maybe in a year he will hit you up after him and chick break up.
I know there are shy men, etc. But I prefer alpha men so if he's too timid to approach me then he's not for me anyway.
Don't do the friend zone thing OP. maybe in a year he will hit you up after him and chick break up.
GoingNatural
Well-Known Member
"if he likes you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused"
softblackcotton
Well-Known Member
I don't plan to friend zone myself with him. That is why I said Game OVER! I don't give two kicks if he continues to contact me or contacts me after he and his girlfriend break up. I'm done. I've already found him out. He's sneaky and a possible cheater. Let's say the future scenario is that he breaks up with his girlfriend and I get the man. Then in a year or less, I have to worry if he is talking to his next potential girlfriend behind my back. Relationships that start out from cheating, creeping scenarios most likely end for the very same reasons. I don't want a relationship with a foundation of distrust. I also have respect for his girl even though I don't know her. I just can't do that to people knowingly. By the way, I hope they never break up. I hope he and his girlfriend get married and have a lot of kids.
Who cares about a man? I am totally used to being single. Dating, relationships, and love are completely foreign to me. So whatever, whatever happens. I'm so jaded now.
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
I don't plan to friend zone myself with him. That is why I said Game OVER! I don't give two kicks if he continues to contact me or contacts me after he and his girlfriend break up. I'm done. I've already found him out. He's sneaky and a possible cheater. Let's say the future scenario is that he breaks up with his girlfriend and I get the man. Then in a year or less, I have to worry if he is talking to his next potential girlfriend behind my back. Relationships that start out from cheating, creeping scenarios most likely end for the very same reasons. I don't want a relationship with a foundation of distrust. I also have respect for his girl even though I don't know her. I just can't do that to people knowingly. By the way, I hope they never break up. I hope he and his girlfriend get married and have a lot of kids.
Who cares about a man? I am totally used to being single. Dating, relationships, and love are completely foreign to me. So whatever, whatever happens. I'm so jaded now.
@softblackcotton-Please be encouraged that things will improve for you in regards to relationships.
Although the desires of your heart maybe in fact foreign don't keep them from you by emotionally dismissing them.
Take the recent events as a life lesson. A lesson is sent only to teach not to conquer.
If you analyze clearly what happened from beginning to the finality you will see the truth. Your actions were fine.
It just so happened that he wasn't forthcoming initially.If he had been surely you wouldn't be feeling the way you do now.
Work through the emotions you feel today.
Being jaded will either attract the wrong type of man or not allow you to decipher the good one when he presents himself.
So smile move forward and look ahead to a brighter day. This is integral.
Softerlove
New Member
. So whatever, whatever happens. I'm so jaded now.
All because ONE guy wasn't completely forthcoming?
Please don't take him as representative of ALL men. Heavens knows hes not.
MissJ
Well-Known Member
Why would she want him to hit her up, when he was going along with all this, knowing he had a girlfriend?
TrueToHair
Well-Known Member
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*CherryPie*
Well-Known Member
OP, You did way too much to get that man to notice you. There are guys out there who prey on people like you. I still believe that he didn't want to be with you. But after you did all of that mess trying to get his attention, he saw you as an easy prey. Luckily, he told you he had a girlfriend instead of using you, like a lot of guys do.
Getting men that way usually don't work, or the relationship doesn't last long.
Getting men that way usually don't work, or the relationship doesn't last long.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
^^^ITA with CherryPie but I'm glad you did what you did and got it out of your system. Otherwise, I think you would have kept wondering if you should have approached, was he just shy, why he kept staring, etc., etc. A smile and a wave was enough. That was an invitation and he just kept staring. Next time you will be like boy bye.
CarLiTa
Well-Known Member
OP, I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I knew he was trouble when he told you he thinks you're sexy during one of your first conversations (other than knowing he was trouble from staring at you and not approaching).
I think any man who is genuinely interested in a woman will avoid making references to her body, so that he won't scare her off.
A dude referencing your shape or any other body part that is NOT on your face (exclude the lips, you do not want comments about those either), is thinking of you in a sexual way... And that's unacceptable for someone who's barely interacted with you at all.
Comments on your body so early on = he thinks you're an 'easy' prey.
Run.
I totally agree with hopeful. See it like this, OP, you got out unscathed. His girlfriend is TRULY the one hurt by this situation (even unknowingly). She's the one who got the short end of the stick, poor girl
I think any man who is genuinely interested in a woman will avoid making references to her body, so that he won't scare her off.
A dude referencing your shape or any other body part that is NOT on your face (exclude the lips, you do not want comments about those either), is thinking of you in a sexual way... And that's unacceptable for someone who's barely interacted with you at all.
Comments on your body so early on = he thinks you're an 'easy' prey.
Run.
I totally agree with hopeful. See it like this, OP, you got out unscathed. His girlfriend is TRULY the one hurt by this situation (even unknowingly). She's the one who got the short end of the stick, poor girl
Silkycoils
Well-Known Member
*sigh* While I agree w/those who said they don't believe in approaching men, I think you should cut yourself some slack, softblackcotton. I'm like you, in that I didn't have much experience "dating". I would always focus on one man at a time and IMO that can lead to you getting "caught up" and not always properly reading signals. The key to success in approaching men is the underlying CONFIDENCE that goes along w/it. There's a certain detachment that comes w/said confidence b/c you know deep down that what's for you, is yours. The BEST feeling is when you can take something or leave it!
If that's not who you are, or you're not yet in that place, don't try to force it.
My advice to you is to keep shining and being your best self. I live in ATL too (and kind of want to move b/c there are less opportunities to just get up and go, but I digress), so I know how it is here. I am driving to NY this weekend and can't wait. I don't know how active of a social life you have, but I find that when you get busy living and enjoying your life, people will flock to you. It sounds like you're already doing your thing though . . . I wish I'd just gotten back from an international trip!
Anywho, keep your head up and keep affirming your worth and right to be loved like the Queen you are! Good luck!
If that's not who you are, or you're not yet in that place, don't try to force it.
My advice to you is to keep shining and being your best self. I live in ATL too (and kind of want to move b/c there are less opportunities to just get up and go, but I digress), so I know how it is here. I am driving to NY this weekend and can't wait. I don't know how active of a social life you have, but I find that when you get busy living and enjoying your life, people will flock to you. It sounds like you're already doing your thing though . . . I wish I'd just gotten back from an international trip!
Anywho, keep your head up and keep affirming your worth and right to be loved like the Queen you are! Good luck!
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
I agree with this statement.
So true.
OP....Please don't beat yourself up.
He just wasn't worth it at ALL. 
I actually feel SORRY for his gf. Smh....
As much as I hate to admit it and as strict as I think "the Rules" are...I have to admit that the rule about "not approaching a man first" is usually pretty much dead on. I mean, I can see if the guy is perhaps SHY or whatever, but usually even SHY guys know how to eventually get my number and show me interest even when they are shy.
It's not approaching men that is wrong imo...it's approaching the WRONG men that can end up being a mistake sad to say.
I think a man who's interested will STILL be interested regardless...whether he came up to you first, or vice versa. *shrugs* But since I can never seem to "read minds" well, I always just as a general rule of thumb try NOT to approach a man first or ask him for his number.
**Another thing I've also learned in life: Some men just LIKE to stare!
They don't mean anything by it at ALL. Some men stare and never even say hello! smh...Imo...if a man is staring and not really progressing forward with his "interest", then I usually just assume that he's either: 1) Taken/married , 2) Gay , 3) Or not that interested
Plain and simple...
TrueToHair
Well-Known Member
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Lenee925
Well-Known Member
Don't trip too much off this OP. The only thing I'd really say is not to let yourself get oneitis over a guy you just met. I also wouldn't say you did extra because I wasn't there. It was obvious he was interested in whatever way, as he went on missions to omit he had a gf. Glad you asked and nexted him appropriately however.
Giselle685
New Member
I also agree with GoingNatural .. If he likes u you will know, if he doesn't , you'll be confused.
It's okay to have feelings and try things out. Please don't internalize and beat up on yourself. You tried something that didn't work out, but u are smart enough to focus on the truth of the matter, and u are free from a possibly emotional tormenting experience.
Go girl!
Theo
New Member
Hmm... I guess I didn't even see it as her approaching him. Its not like she hit on him or or anything.... She just conversed with him and got his contact info.
I still don't think she did anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with conversing with a dude, especially if he went out of his way to talk to you earlier. Personally, I don't think its the end of the world, and I def don't think you should take this as a sign to never "approach" a dude, OP. You win some you lose some.
I still don't think she did anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with conversing with a dude, especially if he went out of his way to talk to you earlier. Personally, I don't think its the end of the world, and I def don't think you should take this as a sign to never "approach" a dude, OP. You win some you lose some.
Don't be jaded...I like you (before this incident I guess) have never approached a guy and hearing this story even with the outcome has put it in my head that it is okay to be brave sometimes. I guess the guy thought you were a cutey pie but he never actually approached you because he had a GF, either way you are such a brave and cool person for going after what you wanted (at the time)
cutiepiebabygirl
Well-Known Member
I know my post is late but..
I had almost the same thing happen to me OP. I was 20 at the time...it was this cute guy at my job..and he stared at me all the time. I caught him several times...looking at me. I was thinking "Dude is so into me".
I was happy and excited for him to try and approach me....but he never did. He stared but not a word.
So I decided to "woman" up and talk to him...I did the "obvious" thing too...He was standing outside my job...and I saw him...so I pretended like I was looking for a parking space..and just happen to bump into him. I thought I was being sooooo clever!
He stared at me more...so I decided to talk to him. He was very polite, he never came out and said no. I was really confused. I, like you asked around to my friends..trying to decipher him.
So another co-worker was like "He's probably shy"...so she went on my behalf to talk to him. He told her..
" She is really getting on my nerves...she keeps trying to talk to me..she even pretended like she was looking for a parking space one day..it's like she is stalking me!"
My co-worker asked why he stared at me...and like you OP..I'm 5'10 and he said he couldnt believe how tall I was...
Needless to say...I was completely MORTIFIED!!! I had to continue to work with him for 2 years...turns out he was interested in another girl at work also.
So yeah....I misread his signals...it happens..
That was 9 years ago..I'm now 29 and I have NOT approached a man again...my ego is still bruised over that one.
I had almost the same thing happen to me OP. I was 20 at the time...it was this cute guy at my job..and he stared at me all the time. I caught him several times...looking at me. I was thinking "Dude is so into me".
I was happy and excited for him to try and approach me....but he never did. He stared but not a word.
So I decided to "woman" up and talk to him...I did the "obvious" thing too...He was standing outside my job...and I saw him...so I pretended like I was looking for a parking space..and just happen to bump into him. I thought I was being sooooo clever!
He stared at me more...so I decided to talk to him. He was very polite, he never came out and said no. I was really confused. I, like you asked around to my friends..trying to decipher him.
So another co-worker was like "He's probably shy"...so she went on my behalf to talk to him. He told her..
" She is really getting on my nerves...she keeps trying to talk to me..she even pretended like she was looking for a parking space one day..it's like she is stalking me!"
My co-worker asked why he stared at me...and like you OP..I'm 5'10 and he said he couldnt believe how tall I was...
Needless to say...I was completely MORTIFIED!!! I had to continue to work with him for 2 years...turns out he was interested in another girl at work also.
So yeah....I misread his signals...it happens..
That was 9 years ago..I'm now 29 and I have NOT approached a man again...my ego is still bruised over that one.
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Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
I know my post is late but..
I had almost the same thing happen to me OP. I was 20 at the time...it was this cute guy at my job..and he stared at me all the time. I caught him several times...looking at me. I was thinking "Dude is so into me".
I was happy and excited for him to try and approach me....but he never did. He stared but not a word.
So I decided to "woman" up and talk to him...I did the "obvious" thing too...He was standing outside my job...and I saw him...so I pretended like I was looking for a parking space..and just happen to bump into him. I thought I was being sooooo clever!
He stared at me more...so I decided to talk to him. He was very polite, he never came out and said no. I was really confused. I, like you asked around to my friends..trying to decipher him.
So another co-worker was like "He's probably shy"...so she went on my behalf to talk to him. He told her..
" She is really getting on my nerves...she keeps trying to talk to me..she even pretended like she was looking for a parking space one day..it's like she is stalking me!"
My co-worker asked why he stared at me...and like you OP..I'm 5'10 and he said he couldnt believe how tall I was...
Needless to say...I was completely MORTIFIED!!! I had to continue to work with him for 2 years...turns out he was interested in another girl at work also.
So yeah....I misread his signals...it happens..
That was 9 years ago..I'm now 29 and I have NOT approached a man again...my ego is still bruised over that one.
Ehhhh...... Pffft. He sounds like a JERK.
What man thinks a woman is "stalking" him simply because you're friendly and like to make conversation at work? Huh?
That guy sounds like he had some other "issues" going on. How weird. It's even more of a shame that he felt like he could just tell that to your friend not thinking that she would run back and tell you the rude comments he made.
Anyway.....
I'm with you though. That's why I don't ever approach men anymore, because I've been wrong before and have misinterpreted "interest" signals. It happens to the best of us.
I let THEM initiate things all the time. But is it just me however, or does it seem like even when some men initiate things, if you accept/are receptive to their interest...they STILL end up losing interest! Sheesh! I just don't get it. rafikichick92
Well-Known Member
I'm actually about to be in this same boat with the guys I like. I called my brother, who is usually pretty good on guy advice (at least, in his own way) and he has informed me that to find out if they are reciprocating my interest, I must nonchalantly ask if they want to hang out twice and if they say no, then to leave it alone. I don't know what to do if they say yes; I haven't gotten that far. 
softblackcotton
Well-Known Member
" She is really getting on my nerves...she keeps trying to talk to me..she even pretended like she was looking for a parking space one day..it's like she is stalking me!"
My co-worker asked why he stared at me...and like you OP..I'm 5'10 and he said he couldnt believe how tall I was...
Needless to say...I was completely MORTIFIED!!! I had to continue to work with him for 2 years...turns out he was interested in another girl at work also.
So yeah....I misread his signals...it happens..
That was 9 years ago..I'm now 29 and I have NOT approached a man again...my ego is still bruised over that one.
It seems like staring and staring would be clear signal. However, his reason for staring sounds clearly so weak! 5'10" is tall, but not so abnormally tall. Stupid! He does sound like he had some other issues. Probably was interested, but then got scared when you gave him the time of the day. Either way, wimp and weiro all around! Life Lesson: Stay away from The Staring-Do-Nothings!
I'm actually about to be in this same boat with the guys I like. I called my brother, who is usually pretty good on guy advice (at least, in his own way) and he has informed me that to find out if they are reciprocating my interest, I must nonchalantly ask if they want to hang out twice and if they say no, then to leave it alone. I don't know what to do if they say yes; I haven't gotten that far.
We talked about hanging out over the phone.He really wanted to hang out and meet up with me when I was in NY, however, IRENE quickly shut us down. Thank goodness! I probably would have fell in deeper like with him. That was before I asked him about his girlfriend.
However, I don't think I will be asking a guy to hang out, I will let him do all the asking and phone number getting next time and I will be asking about his SO right off bat within the first 5 mins of convo TOPS. If he is too shy to all the first steps, then that is not my problem.
cutiepiebabygirl
Well-Known Member
Ehhhh...... Pffft. He sounds like a JERK.
What man thinks a woman is "stalking" him simply because you're friendly and like to make conversation at work? Huh?
That guy sounds like he had some other "issues" going on. How weird. It's even more of a shame that he felt like he could just tell that to your friend not thinking that she would run back and tell you the rude comments he made.
Anyway.....
I'm with you though. That's why I don't ever approach men anymore, because I've been wrong before and have misinterpreted "interest" signals. It happens to the best of us.
LOL...he told her so she would tell me.....so he said mean things to hurt my feelings! I didn't feel like I was stalking him..I thought he liked me..I wanted to make myself accessible...but like I said lesson learned!
Funny thing is...he ended up sleeping with a girl at our job..and she came back and told everyone how weak the stroke was...LOL
cutiepiebabygirl
Well-Known Member
It seems like staring and staring would be clear signal. However, his reason for staring sounds clearly so weak! 5'10" is tall, but not so abnormally tall. Stupid! He does sound like he had some other issues. Probably was interested, but then got scared when you gave him the time of the day. Either way, wimp and weiro all around! Life Lesson: Stay away from The Staring-Do-Nothings!
We talked about hanging out over the phone.He really wanted to hang out and meet up with me when I was in NY, however, IRENE quickly shut us down. Thank goodness! I probably would have fell in deeper like with him. That was before I asked him about his girlfriend.
I agree, I was like am I 6'10?? LOL
I'm not sure if he was interested...but I agree...staring means nothing to me!
You have to initiate and show genuine interest!
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