Will You Ever Give Up On Finding Love???

[DarkJoy]

Its interesting. Too bad we cant switch! Lol. Opposites attracting I guess.

 

[ivyness]

Hanging them up!

 

[Ipanema]

placating no.... more like... rose colored ignorance. so we just gone ignore the 40-50 years of adult life that were spent totally alone.

my perspective is coming from an extreme example that is probably not true for most people who have functional interpersonal skills. but to sort of generalize my feelings on it, you can't be alone your entire life without any real relationships and really have that matter now that you are 10 years out from the grave. like, where is all of the experience with compromise, sacrifice, intense passion and joy, that you should have been learning in the meantime before you met the old man of your dreams? now it's supposed to matter that you got someone to watch wheel of fortune and eat spaghettios with... now that you have missed all the years of vacationing, having lots of physically capable sex, surprising each other with little presents and love and just the presence of another person.

you spent your entire adult life not having anyone to rely on. not having a partner. not having someone to give and receive affection from, not having the validation of sharing your life and experiences with another person. not having someone to question your deepest feelings with, delve into your values and find out what really matters in life to you. to check you when you're wrong and ridiculous and help you grow into a better person. to watch your children grow up, and to help them grow up, to enrich their lives and yours by association. you missed out on ALL OF THAT.

that's life. that's what life is. you learn how to love by having someone to love. and ok you can love your children and your family members but there is a whole part of you that never got to develop because you were missing a piece to put that part of you in motion. without a partner, you haven't fully lived life to its complete capabilities. you didn't get any of that, but hey, you got another person to learn what it means to be elderly with. and that's a nice shadow of it all, i guess. but it damn sure is not something i would look forward to or choose.

i don't think my mom has ever been in love with a man. i was born when my mom was 30 years old. i remember there being 4 men in her life. four.

This is so poignant. I never thought about how NOT having a relationship can affect someone's child. Maybe even set a bad example.

 

[VelvetRain]

I've said this before but I feel most people think of relationships in a worldly way instead of a spiritual way. For those that are not religious please ignore me when I say it comes down to trusting God with your life. There is no set number or time in which he brings this person into your life. Your life does not begin when you have a mate. So what you meet this person at 39, 45, or 50? Just because this person has not yet materialized does not mean the answer God has for is no. I think sometimes you just got to live your life and be happy in your state of waiting.
It's not always about you but who's to say your potential mate is ready for you?

 

[DarkJoy]

Yes @CaraWalker made a great point and the topic has been on my mind a lot since my divorce. Like being perpetually single can be just as hard on the kids (never seeing the parent happy in ANY relationship ) because this is something the child can not supply and it can be upsetting to watch a lonely dad or mom and be unable to help. Also the kids miss out on that foundation of being raised in an (ideally) healthy relationship. And as she said sometimes the parent doesnt emotionally mature either. I would think that really comes in to play if the parent has never had a real ltr.

Lots to chew on...

This is so poignant. I never thought about how NOT having a relationship can affect someone's child. Maybe even set a bad example.

 

[movingforward]

I agree with various points from VelvetRain and CaraWalker. First, I'm a PRACTICING Christian and my post is from that prospective.

I agree with CaraWalker, in the sense of being alone for a long period of time without a male friend/bf/etc could be damaging to a single woman. We as humans are wired to be in HEALTHY relationships with the opposite sex. After spending almost a decade without a boyfriend, because I was "waiting for the right guy to come along". I begun to see how it affects other areas of my life. Now I'm open to dating men (within my standards) and at least have a foundation of friendship and see where it goes mindset. If it goes nowhere, hey at least I made a male friend. I'm NOT open to allowing my feelings to grow for the wrong person.

I agree with VelvetRain that you should wait until God sends your husband. It's important to just live your life until it's time. I'm waiting for my husband, but I'm preparing myself to take care of myself. In the event this "mystery man" never comes or comes later in life. But until then, I have a list of experiences I'm going to start checking off my list.

I've said this before but I feel most people think of relationships in a worldly way instead of a spiritual way. For those that are not religious please ignore me when I say it comes down to trusting God with your life. There is no set number or time in which he brings this person into your life. Your life does not begin when you have a mate. So what you meet this person at 39, 45, or 50? Just because this person has not yet materialized does not mean the answer God has for is no. I think sometimes you just got to live your life and be happy in your state of waiting.
It's not always about you but who's to say your potential mate is ready for you?

 

[barbiesocialite]

This thread has been quite an interesting read.

While I tend to lean toward codependency, I relate to some of the feelings regarding fear of loneliness, sense of belonging and desire for companionship. Connection. Companionship. The need to feel loved. But for me it's less about absence of physical presence but emotional solitude. My biggest fear is emotional isolation and abandonment. I've always felt so alone. I fear that I may be alone forever. Alone yet surrounded by people.

Putting my marital and familial values to the side for a moment---0r, actually maybe they have something to do with the way I am. or maybe who I am has something to do with my values. idk. But honestly, the only reason I'm not married right now is because I don't have to. I'm always surrounded by people. None of my relationships have been accidents. They've all been intentional, calculate out of a sense of urgency and necessity. It's never been an act of emotional, romantic feeling or personal connection. I don't even know what that feels like. I worry I may never know what that feels like. That's why I hated living alone, it was never my idea to ever live alone and as an adult woman willingly moved back into my parents house and refuse to leave unless I have to. The have to for me is not, and likely will never be, a normal adult desire for independence but logistics. Like something suddenly happened to my family or my close loved ones moved more than a short car drive away. That would send me spiraling out of control and into an immediate panic forcing me to get married literally overnight. That scares me. Combine my crippling fear of abandonment with my passionately loyal nature and my personal convictions tied to my refusal to be wrong, I fear I might just end up stuck. I know myself and my patterns. Happy, sad, miserable, depressed, lonely and feeling unloved does not outweigh my fear of being alone. I can lie, cheat, steal and sleep in the same bed with someone I hate everyday yet have no desire to risk venturing out to happier spaces in *hopes* to find a soulmate. I'll just be stuck. Physically attached to someone but doomed to be forever alone. If that happens to me, I worry that I'm such a masochist that I'll never find that emotional safe space and human connection. I often worry about the prospect of living such an empty lonely life. That's scary. I don't want that. .....

 

[barbiesocialite]

ya'll ain't helping things with these old lady stories either

 

[barbiesocialite]

The grass ins't always greener. But I think it's human nature to be eternally optimistic romanticizing that it is. Hope. Convinced there is something better beyond what we experience as the lows. that's probably a good thing tho. Life can be challenging, I guess that's what keeps most of us alive to keep going through life's ruts. Believing and determined to find our nirvana. I guess the dilemma is why some find it and some dont. But even there are those who appear to have found it but belive they dont. Then there are those who find it then find out they were wrong or change their mind. Cycle repeats all over again. Life can be so random and confusing. Disappointing and surprising. too damn unpredictable.

 

[hopeful]

ya'll ain't helping things with these old lady stories either

Wait till y'all turn 50. I may not be young anymore but I do not feel like an old lady and if you could see the wedding pics you would not be calling these newly married ladies old ladies either. But I understand. When I was a little girl I thought 35 was middle aged and oldish.

Also, the other post was about a lady in her 60's who married after her first husband died. That's pretty cool.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Wait till y'all turn 50. I may not be young anymore but I do not feel like an old lady and if you could see the wedding pics you would not be calling these newly married ladies old ladies either. But I understand. When I was a little girl I thought 35 was middle aged and oldish.

My mom is 51. While I'm always trying to explain to her that I'm getting old with gray hair soon be advanced maternal age, she seems to think she's Benjamin Button when she's arguing with me about the temperature on the thermostat being too high like the reason she's sweating isn't hot flashes of going through menopause. ....

nah chick. if I'm old with people always calling me "ma'am" you're damn near an artificat since you're name will soon be grandma. She's trippin. She's missing out on all those senior perks and discounts she can get with AARP membership. just wasteful .....

 

[CaraWalker]

think about a 40-50 year old man who never had a gf. we would be like what is wrong with him he is a creep he lives in his mothers basement he doesnt know a damn thing about dealing with or pleasing a woman.

same sentiment applies imo.

 

[barbiesocialite]

think about a 40-50 year old man who never had a gf. we would be like what is wrong with him he is a creep he lives in his mothers basement he doesnt know a damn thing about dealing with or pleasing a woman.

same sentiment applies imo.

yea but it's even worse if it's a woman.

A man looks like a weirdo or walking red flag full of issues that he clearly needs to work on.

On the other hand a woman in that situation doesn't just look crazy and/or a certified btch, she looks crazy or like a btch definitively as a matter of fact. A woman is less likely to appear simply peculiar or receive responses wondering about her issues she becomes THE issue. instead of potential or possible like a man, a woman in that situation seem more of a done deal. like permanent lost cause since that must be who she is which is damanged goods.....

Man gets inquiry or curiosity--" I wonder what's wrong with him?"

But a woman is a danger sign or warning signal to proceed with caution--"There's clearly something wrong with her."

 

[CaraWalker]

it can go either way depending on the attractiveness as a male. like if he is good looking you might first assume hes really picky and is choosing not to settle down because there is a market for a good looking older/stable man and no reason for him to be single unless he wants to be. but i have learned pretty easily that there is usually something wrong with them too and their relationships tend to fail spectacularly due to personal flaws too. a lot of the time an older single man is just as much as a lost cause as a lot of older single women. now if the older single dude is not an obvious physical draw then yeah you would assume he missed out on learning a lot of skills IYKWIM.

i think the perspective of older single women is more of an assumption, like you said. its a given that an older single woman is not single by choice. but maybe the perspective of her being desperate/thirsty/low standards due to advancing age works as a plus for some men. but then again i dont know any of these 50+ women who got married before becoming sexagenarians that yall do.

 

[barbiesocialite]

This topic reminds me of an old thread asking which would you prefer: never married or divorced.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Y'all don't give up! My aunt was 62 when my my uncle died of a massive heart attack but after three months of mourning she decided that she was ready to date.

She said she had to kiss a lot a frogs but after a year of intensive dating from multiple online sites, friends and family setting her up and meeting people during the course of her day she found her second husband.

They been married for year and a half now and she couldn't be happier. She said that she treated looking for a husband like finding a job and she always treated everyone with respect and each encounter she tried to find the positive until she found her guy.

It was a beautiful wedding and her kids said that he's a great guy.

Btw, she said she went at least 70 plus dates easily

Y'all don't give up! My aunt was 62 when my my uncle died of a massive heart attack but after three months of mourning she decided that she was ready to date.

She said she had to kiss a lot a frogs but after a year of intensive dating from multiple online sites, friends and family setting her up and meeting people during the course of her day she found her second husband.

They been married for year and a half now and she couldn't be happier. She said that she treated looking for a husband like finding a job and she always treated everyone with respect and each encounter she tried to find the positive until she found her guy.

It was a beautiful wedding and her kids said that he's a great guy.

Btw, she said she went at least 70 plus dates easily

70 dates?!

HOW THE HELL OES THAT HAPPEN????

I'm being serious, I don't understand how it's possible. Esp for people who actually leave the house almost everyday to go to work, errands, live life. There are men everywhere and you meet numerous ones everyday just being outside. Then you actually look for even more men then you pick 70 out of a whole pool of men and went on 70 dates to actually among the general public where there are yet even more men.

WHY??? HOW??? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT IT TAKES GOING THROUGH THAT MANY JUST FIND 1 GOOD ONE THAT DRINK YOUR DIRTY BATH WATER AND LICK YOUR PERIOD GRANNY PANTIES.

Wtf?!

My mind is blown.


Out of 10 you should have at least found a good boyfriend. 25 should get you a knight in shining armor and a wedding wedding. 70?!!!!

Chile. If I spent all that time and energy spending personal quality time with 70 individual males, I'm leaving out the house regularly which means I'm meeting men nonstop in addition to those I actually take time out of my life to go on a date with. Hell a woman that active should be in love and engaged in less than a year.

My mother wishes I would stop wah for a typical career and tries to get me to spend more time with my friends so I have to leave the house everyday. since if I have to regularly socialize she knows I'll stop playing round in my on and off psudo relationships of convenience just bc im bored and somebody will take me off her hands sooner rather than later. Lmao if i bounced around around ran through 70 she'd be happier than around pig in sht.lmao.shiid. That many men Im coming out with an 8-figure millionaire or C-list celebrity cuz thats COMMITMENT for real. I'd give her her damn wedding and she'd probably be able to retire plus a baby which would give her another person/hobby to continue ignoring me

70?! Sorry I can't let it go lol.....

 

[tibb1908]

70 dates?!

HOW THE HELL OES THAT HAPPEN????

I'm being serious, I don't understand how it's possible. Esp for people who actually leave the house almost everyday to go to work, errands, live life. There are men everywhere and you meet numerous ones everyday just being outside. Then you actually look for even more men then you pick 70 out of a whole pool of men and went on 70 dates to actually among the general public where there are yet even more men.

WHY??? HOW??? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT IT TAKES GOING THROUGH THAT MANY JUST FIND 1 GOOD ONE THAT DRINK YOUR DIRTY BATH WATER AND LICK YOUR PERIOD GRANNY PANTIES.

Wtf?!

My mind is blown.


Out of 10 you should have at least found a good boyfriend. 25 should get you a knight in shining armor and a wedding wedding. 70?!!!!

Chile. If I spent all that time and energy spending personal quality time with 70 individual males, I'm leaving out the house regularly which means I'm meeting men nonstop in addition to those I actually take time out of my life to go on a date with. Hell a woman that active should be in love and engaged in less than a year.

My mother wishes I would stop wah for a typical career and tries to get me to spend more time with my friends so I have to leave the house everyday. since if I have to regularly socialize she knows I'll stop playing round in my on and off psudo relationships of convenience just bc im bored and somebody will take me off her hands sooner rather than later. Lmao if i bounced around around ran through 70 she'd be happier than around pig in sht.lmao.shiid. That many men Im coming out with an 8-figure millionaire or C-list celebrity cuz thats COMMITMENT for real. I'd give her her damn wedding and she'd probably be able to retire plus a baby which would give her another person/hobby to continue ignoring me

70?! Sorry I can't let it go lol.....

My aunt is retired and it took so many dates because she didn't want to settle either. I'm glad that she put in the work to find what she wanted the second time around.

 

[SurferBabe]

i find placating advice about not looking to be annoying. it's basically a platitude like saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or real beauty comes from within, time heals all wounds, etc. it means nothing, it's not helpful and in some ways it's condescending. yes, it is possible for anything to happen at any time. but in essence all it means is "if you arent paying attention you won't notice how much it sucks and how long it's taking" which.... whatever.

i guess people think they're being sympathetic but id rather they say nothing.

i know exactly why im single, i know exactly why the process is not quick and simple, and i dont need any outside amendment to that.

Well it's true.

Most people who claim they can't find the right one after years of looking usually have one thing in common...

They aren't looking for a companion, they're looking for an ideal. That's why they should stop looking. It's not working for them.

You know how to find a husband. You know who to call right now or where to go to find a man who is crazy about you and would make a good partner. You just aren't buying what they're selling.

The ones who are looking for a practical life partner find one. The ones who are chasing an idealized romantic adventure get discouraged and want to give up. I'm picky and stubborn in what I'm looking for... that's why I'm single. If I wanted marriage, I know 3 men I could call up right now and I'd have a ring in a year. I know exactly where to go to get 10 possible suitors and have a proposal on the table by the end of 2016. These men are just too simple for me, they don't inspire me, and they don't give me immediate butterflies, but they are crazy about me. It's not the perfect romcom story we all want. These aren't men other women would envy me for having. They're just good, loyal, hardworking men with whom I could build a partnership and in time we could work together to create some adventures. That's not what I want right now.

What most people are looking for is something close to what they define as the perfect partner. There is no formula to finding this-- it's random. It's easier when you're younger but most of us I'm assuming are past that age. You just can't look for something like that and in searching for it, it is easy to get discouraged. Unless you're willing to be lax on things and make finding a practical life partner a priority over trying to find the perfect romance-- looking is counterproductive. I'm enjoying life and focusing my attention on things I have control over while having fun adventures with men I know aren't husband material. I'm willing to wait because I know what I want. If I ever get truly lonely, I know who to call. There is never a good reason to give up. If you really want a husband, you can find one.

 

[PeaceFlow]

The ones who are looking for a practical life partner find one. The ones who are chasing an idealized romantic adventure get discouraged and want to give up. I'm picky and stubborn in what I'm looking for... that's why I'm single. If I wanted marriage, I know 3 men I could call up right now and I'd have a ring in a year. I know exactly where to go to get 10 possible suitors and have a proposal on the table by the end of 2016. These men are just too simple for me, they don't inspire me, and they don't give me immediate butterflies, but they are crazy about me. It's not the perfect romcom story we all want. These aren't men other women would envy me for having. They're just good, loyal, hardworking men with whom I could build a partnership and in time we could work together to create some adventures. That's not what I want right now.

I don't know if theres something else undesirable about these men, but I can imagine many women seeing that as a favourable situation.

 

[vevster]

deleted ten characters.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Wow.....well the vibe of this thread went down pretty fast.....

I don't mind being a realist, but shoot.....not everyone is put off by stories of people finding love in their 50s and 60s. Of course that wouldn't be my ideal preference to just be getting married for the first time at age 55 lol, but I think the point is that love can come at any season and at any age. Love knows no time constraints.

And I also don't subscribe to the belief that just because a man or woman isn't married by such-and-such age then they must be somehow "damaged", "weird", "emotionally stunted", "have issues",or whatever society tries to conjure up smh. I know some very sane people who are single, and some people that stay having relationship after relationship who have issues. #shrug


All I know for me is that as long as I have air in my lungs, and blood coursing through my veins, it is NEVER too late, and I will NEVER give up.

 

[summerof1990]

Stop looking and only focus on optimizing you.

 

[hopeful]

deleted ten characters.

I saw your post before you deleted. (((Hugs))) Don't give up. I think you need a little outside help/support.

 

[vevster]

I saw your post before you deleted. (((Hugs))) Don't give up. I think you need a little outside help/support.

It's sooo bad.

 

[awhyley]

Stop looking and only focus on optimizing you.

I love the highlighted. Going to make that my theme for the rest of this year and beyond.

 

[vevster]

..............

........,

 

[CaraWalker]

man or woAnd I also don't subscribe to the belief that just because a man isn't married by such-and-such age then they must be somehow "damaged", "weird", "emotionally stunted", "have issues",or whatever society tries to conjure up smh. I know some very sane people who are single, and some people that stay having relationship after relationship who have issues. #shrug

no offense but you really arent the best person to posit this viewpoint.

 

[hopeful]

no offense but you really arent the best person to posit this viewpoint.

Where did this come from? Sounds like you are putting her down, but maybe I'm misunderstanding.

 

[CaraWalker]

Where did this come from? Sounds like you are putting her down, but maybe I'm misunderstanding.

i dont want to put her down which is why im not elaborating on my comment. but in sincerest honesty i genuinely have a problem with the poster in question advancing that argument. i am sorry if thats going to come across as hurtful. is there a way to continue this discussion without it seeming like im trying to be nasty and attacking? because if this were a friend of mine in real life it is a conversation i would have found necessary a LONG time ago.

 

[hopeful]

Thanks @CaraWalker for the courtesy of a reply. I was just like wait, what?