Will I be wasting money?

[scorpio70]

In Steve Harvey's book he says that every man has a plan for you...

It appears that at this point in the relationship your man's plan is NOT to marry you (sorry if that seems harsh).

I agree with the other posters regarding being able to stand on your own two legs and support yourself. It's about more than financial responsibility, it's about priorities and taking care of family and business. Maybe he thinks that faced with the decision of paying rent and buying a new flat iron, he's not sure what you will do. And for any man worth his two cents, that is a scary prospect.

He wants to see that you're a team player and not sitting around assuming the lights will come on because someone else paid the bill.

I will say though that the conditions he's speaking are not that cool. Unless he is trying to tell you in a nice way, "I love you and want to be with you, but you gotta pull your weight." I don't necessarily think what he's asking for (showing you can be fiscally and relationally responsible) is a bad thing, I'm just not too cool with the way he's putting it.

So yes, your move may have been drastic, but it also seems somewhat necessary. Not because you need to prove anything to him, but you do need to say if you want that kind of support, you need to put a ring on it. After 4 years, it's not that unreasonable a request....

HTH!!!!

I was gonna ask the same question about his plans for her. I know he has plans. And we know from his 'plan' to attend med school that he is capable of making them.

Before accomodating his request to 'help out with the bills' i would want to fully understand his plans for me. Specific plans, not 'oh yeah baby, I want us to be together.' B/c y'all are already together. Specifics...

Then, if his plans are in alignment with yours, start working towards the goal together.

 

[TrendySocialite]

As the story unfolds, I am starting to see where your SO is coming from. While I do not necessarily believe that he wants to break up with you, I will be perfectly honest and state that I believe that he's being wise and frank with himself about the direction your relationship needs to take, and you would do well to imitate him in this manner. If you two are talking about marriage, it's only right to count the cost. You are a lovely young woman but I'm going to give it to you straight: if you were a man, I would be counting the cost, too, and would perceive some concerning deficits on your part that would cause me to hesitate in considering marriage. This is not because you're a bad person - not by any stretch of the imagination! However, it was living alone for two years that demonstrated to me how much money management is truly not a joke. It is not to be taken lightly that you shop before you pay a bill or that you yourself notice an alarming dependency on him and your parents. The fortunate thing in this situation is that you have the self-awareness to recognize it, and for that you are to be heartily commended.

Simply put, you need to move out. This is not about saving money anymore. This is about you learning how to be a good steward of your own life, to take ownership of your responsibilities and to discern the difference between needs and wants. In an earlier post, you mentioned that you travel or like to travel or can travel, something to that effect - and in the next sentence you said that you're a full time student. Why is a full time student traveling? Girl, hit them books!

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't explain further as to why I stand in agreement with your SO. I know that my opinion will not be popular, but I see no problem with him stating conditions for you to get married. I am currently in graduate school and I can tell you that the pursuit of higher education is absolutely, positively, no joke. Some of my closest friends are in medical school and again, medical school is absolutely no joke. Some people took issue with the fact that he's talking about your financial responsibility, yet wants to enter medical in one to two years time. ManeVixen, he is right to start thinking about this now. It can take about a year and a half to get all that stuff together - studying and taking the MCAT, lining up letters of recommendation, figuring out what school you want to go to... it is a very time consuming and EXPENSIVE process. I know someone who applied to medical school for three years in a row and didn't get in. Again, he is right to think about this now - he could apply and not even get into any medical school, and then what?

What I am seeing is that your SO has taken care of you but now reality is striking. If I had a man that took care of everything financially and we had a good relationship, I would want to get married, too. But you both have been living in a dream world and it's high time to wake up. Part of that will be moving out and gaining your own independence, and the other part will be doing as the women in this thread have suggested and have a serious talk about your relationship and the expectations for it. Stick to the 2 week move-out date that you set up. As Hopeful said, this is a turning point situation, but this experience goes far beyond the implications of your relationship. It has everything to do with your personal growth, which will directly shape your relationship. I truly wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

In thinking about this situation last night (yes I like to let things marinate sometimes...LOL), I began to feel like Najiamerican. Those in grad school, but especially medical school, have high rates of depression, suicidal tendencies, etc. They are sleep deprived, overworked, underpaid and stay on the constant edge. One thing a gradute student doesn't want to worry about coming home to a yellow sheet on the door or to the lights being off. Not saying that you would be that financially irresponsible, but he has to know that if you two remain in the same household, he can rest easy about the financial state of his household.

It appears that you have been playing wifey, but in order to BE wifey there are some areas of improvement and growth that need to occur. Now, if they can occur while you two are living together, then so be it (although I don't recommend it). But if you get nothing from the different opinions and advice that you have received in this thread, you gotta become self-sufficient. Despite what some think, you can do that while in a relationship, but in your case I think you may fall back into a similar pattern of depending on others.

It will help your esteem so much to know that you can thoroughly take care of yourself. In the Bible it talks about a season for everything, I think this is the season for you to mature, grow and develop priorities. Travelling and those pleasurable activities will always be there...

I wish you luck!

 

[TrendySocialite]

I was gonna ask the same question about his plans for her. I know he has plans. And we know from his 'plan' to attend med school that he is capable of making them.

Before accomodating his request to 'help out with the bills' i would want to fully understand his plans for me. Specific plans, not 'oh yeah baby, I want us to be together.' B/c y'all are already together. Specifics...

Then, if his plans are in alignment with yours, start working towards the goal together.

I agree with what you said, but I think the expectation should have been for her to help out with the bills that she is also incurring while in the household. I can't remember now if they clearly defined who did and would pay for what, but because they are not married she definitely needed to at least offer to pay/split some household expenses.

Honestly, that discussion regarding his plans for him, her and them as a couple should have been had before moving in along with the discussion regarding bills. But hindsight is 20/20.

 

[ManeVixen]

As the story unfolds, I am starting to see where your SO is coming from. While I do not necessarily believe that he wants to break up with you, I will be perfectly honest and state that I believe that he's being wise and frank with himself about the direction your relationship needs to take, and you would do well to imitate him in this manner. If you two are talking about marriage, it's only right to count the cost. You are a lovely young woman but I'm going to give it to you straight: if you were a man, I would be counting the cost, too, and would perceive some concerning deficits on your part that would cause me to hesitate in considering marriage. This is not because you're a bad person - not by any stretch of the imagination! However, it was living alone for two years that demonstrated to me how much money management is truly not a joke. It is not to be taken lightly that you shop before you pay a bill or that you yourself notice an alarming dependency on him and your parents. The fortunate thing in this situation is that you have the self-awareness to recognize it, and for that you are to be heartily commended.

Simply put, you need to move out. This is not about saving money anymore. This is about you learning how to be a good steward of your own life, to take ownership of your responsibilities and to discern the difference between needs and wants. In an earlier post, you mentioned that you travel or like to travel or can travel, something to that effect - and in the next sentence you said that you're a full time student. Why is a full time student traveling? Girl, hit them books!

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't explain further as to why I stand in agreement with your SO. I know that my opinion will not be popular, but I see no problem with him stating conditions for you to get married. I am currently in graduate school and I can tell you that the pursuit of higher education is absolutely, positively, no joke. Some of my closest friends are in medical school and again, medical school is absolutely no joke. Some people took issue with the fact that he's talking about your financial responsibility, yet wants to enter medical in one to two years time. ManeVixen, he is right to start thinking about this now. It can take about a year and a half to get all that stuff together - studying and taking the MCAT, lining up letters of recommendation, figuring out what school you want to go to... it is a very time consuming and EXPENSIVE process. I know someone who applied to medical school for three years in a row and didn't get in. Again, he is right to think about this now - he could apply and not even get into any medical school, and then what?

What I am seeing is that your SO has taken care of you but now reality is striking. If I had a man that took care of everything financially and we had a good relationship, I would want to get married, too. But you both have been living in a dream world and it's high time to wake up. Part of that will be moving out and gaining your own independence, and the other part will be doing as the women in this thread have suggested and have a serious talk about your relationship and the expectations for it. Stick to the 2 week move-out date that you set up. As Hopeful said, this is a turning point situation, but this experience goes far beyond the implications of your relationship. It has everything to do with your personal growth, which will directly shape your relationship. I truly wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Wow Thank you for this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally understand everything your saying...Thank you for the advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[naijamerican]

Wow Thank you for this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally understand everything your saying...Thank you for the advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are so welcome! I know that everything will work out!

 

[amara11]

I think the problem is your SO has realized that he has over-invested himself in this relationship.

You are not his wife, and he has been basically paying all your bills and you are stacking your money away.

What happens when he goes to med school? He gets really busy and by the time he hits residency you'll be lucky to see him awake in that home. He won't even have time to eat let alone sleep or be with you.

A lot of marriages are destroyed by higher education because of stress, money, little time together. Imagine BF/GF....

So your man is realizing he has spent all his time, money, effort on you, your relationship might not even last med school....and you'll leave with a heavy wallet and what will he have to show for it? You're not married so he won't be entitled to half, he can't recoup what he spent on you and he can't make you support him after that.

I think he is scared, and you have been honest with yourself. You haven't had to be on your own.

I do think it was ridiculous for him to wait 4 years to bring this up.

And honestly, I am concerned, because I don't advocate long shack-ups. So my thought is move out and learn to be on your own.

Don't support a man in med school who isn't your husband. That would make the two of you shack up for like 12 years. At that point hun' that man probably won't marry you.

And in the long run I think you'll be a happier, healthier person if you lived alone for a while. You'd really learn to know yourself.

Unfortunately, at this point you moving out will probably strain if not break your relationship. But if it does, hey, better now then after marriage.

This is real talk.

As the story unfolds, I am starting to see where your SO is coming from. While I do not necessarily believe that he wants to break up with you, I will be perfectly honest and state that I believe that he's being wise and frank with himself about the direction your relationship needs to take, and you would do well to imitate him in this manner. If you two are talking about marriage, it's only right to count the cost. You are a lovely young woman but I'm going to give it to you straight: if you were a man, I would be counting the cost, too, and would perceive some concerning deficits on your part that would cause me to hesitate in considering marriage. This is not because you're a bad person - not by any stretch of the imagination! However, it was living alone for two years that demonstrated to me how much money management is truly not a joke. It is not to be taken lightly that you shop before you pay a bill or that you yourself notice an alarming dependency on him and your parents. The fortunate thing in this situation is that you have the self-awareness to recognize it, and for that you are to be heartily commended.

Simply put, you need to move out. This is not about saving money anymore. This is about you learning how to be a good steward of your own life, to take ownership of your responsibilities and to discern the difference between needs and wants. In an earlier post, you mentioned that you travel or like to travel or can travel, something to that effect - and in the next sentence you said that you're a full time student. Why is a full time student traveling? Girl, hit them books!

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't explain further as to why I stand in agreement with your SO. I know that my opinion will not be popular, but I see no problem with him stating conditions for you to get married. I am currently in graduate school and I can tell you that the pursuit of higher education is absolutely, positively, no joke. Some of my closest friends are in medical school and again, medical school is absolutely no joke. Some people took issue with the fact that he's talking about your financial responsibility, yet wants to enter medical in one to two years time. ManeVixen, he is right to start thinking about this now. It can take about a year and a half to get all that stuff together - studying and taking the MCAT, lining up letters of recommendation, figuring out what school you want to go to... it is a very time consuming and EXPENSIVE process. I know someone who applied to medical school for three years in a row and didn't get in. Again, he is right to think about this now - he could apply and not even get into any medical school, and then what?

What I am seeing is that your SO has taken care of you but now reality is striking. If I had a man that took care of everything financially and we had a good relationship, I would want to get married, too. But you both have been living in a dream world and it's high time to wake up. Part of that will be moving out and gaining your own independence, and the other part will be doing as the women in this thread have suggested and have a serious talk about your relationship and the expectations for it. Stick to the 2 week move-out date that you set up. As Hopeful said, this is a turning point situation, but this experience goes far beyond the implications of your relationship. It has everything to do with your personal growth, which will directly shape your relationship. I truly wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

There.you.have.it. Thanks was absolutely not enough.

And I'm glad you brought up the 2 years before he starts med school thing. The application process starts in June of one year, to matriculate in August of the following year. That's over one year right there. Not to mention the fact that your MCAT scores should be in when you apply. Takes a lil' time to study for those, get the scores back, and complete the entire application process.

Him bringing this up now isn't 'early' at all. Frankly, the investment involved in *just the application process* can be daunting when you start reviewing it.

Applying costs hundreds of dollars, and if you want to keep your options open and apply to several schools- it can easily cross into the 1G's. This is making no mention of travel/lodging costs for each of the interviews.

Not to defend homeboy- but I see his side. He sounds like all of this is hitting him at once- especially with him starting the application process. And with this economy loans aren't an easy option for many folks to rely on.

I'm all for being taken care of, and the man being the provider- but I believe in these things within a marriage. Since I know I will NOT play *wifey* for any dude until I am wifey- I can't deem it sooooo unreasonable if he doesn't want to prematurely play hubby.

He is responsible for putting up with something he wasn't cool with for 4 freakin years!......

- But I suppose the prospect of med school is starting to become real for him now, and it's made him think about what he can and cannot continue to do.

And getting married in med school is just not so cut and dry. The divorce rate for marriages started during med school is downright lewd . For OP and homie to work out, they need to get through this hurdle and figure out an effective way to COMMUNICATE, because the challenges only get more complex.

I couldn't thank you enough!

Seriously!

 

[fuchsiastar]

ManeVixen, you have gotten some great advice in here! I wish you the best in your future decisions.

 

[Zaynab]

Why do you have to move out to show that you're responsible? Why don't you contribute to some of the bills that you guys currently share?

Better yet--they get married and then she take on the brunt of the bils while he's in medical school. I wouldn't even consider supporting a man while he was in med school if he's not my husband.

And let me tell you, if a man wants to marry you, he will, with a pinto, broke in medical school. He seems to be throwing out excuses and probably just wants you to move out, since OP has been there 4 years. It basically seems like OP moved in and you never had a clear "plan" as to how the relationship was gonna progress and now he's not sure if/when he wants it to.

 

[zoj2]

Perhaps this can give you some insight: I've been with my SO since I was 16, and we currently live together while I'm in med school. He has been encouraging and supportive since the day I decided I wanted to become a doctor. He has been through the premed process, applications, acceptance and now med school with me. I'll be honest with you, from my experience and from my classmates' experiences, you will have to put up with a lot. It takes a very committed, loving and understanding person to date a med student.

I've put my SO through A LOT. I say this because I promised my SO I would stay in Oklahoma for med school, but when the opportunity to live in DC came and I bounced. Not only that I told him that the only way we could stay together was if he moved with me. So he packs up all his stuff and moves to DC to live and support me financially and emotionally. I can't speak for everyone, but med students tend to be quite selfish (my actions being a perfect example). Here is the mentality: "It's either my way or the highway because I am working so hard and spending so much money to reach my goal. Med school is stressful, if you are going to add anymore stress to my life, then you need to go. Med school is exclusive, besides you, I will pretty much only be talking to and hanging out with other med students, so you can't get offended. Med school is time consuming, so don't ever question why I never have free time. I will be broke all the time, so no frivolous spending. Please don't take certain things personal when I lash out at you, I am probably under a tremendous amount of stress." The list goes on. I say these things because this is exactly what happens in my relationship, and why so many of my classmates relationships failed during med school.

With that being said, having a committed, loving and understanding SO in med school has made it a lot easier. It is always nice to have someone to come home to, a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to me vent. I've also promised my SO we would get married by the end of this year (he has been saying the same things as you about marriage). Many of my classmates got engaged after our first year and I think it was because they wanted to make sure that their SOs could hang. So if you decide to stay with him, just remember it will be challenging and there will be a lot of sacrifices made, but being supportive and understanding emotionally, physically and financially will guarantee a healthy relationship. I think your SO just wants reassurance that this will happen.

ETA: Just speaking from my and others experience

 

[wonderstar]

This is a very enlightening thread for us young and unmarried folks.

OP, I trust that you will make good use of the sound advice offered.

 

[amara11]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

While the "Independent", "SBW" thing is getting on pretty much everybody's nerves- I still can't come to your conclusions RE: this particular sitch.

1) Gramps and g'ma probably weren't fours years deep in some shacking-type situation.

2) G'ma probably was not depending on Gramps financially before marriage. So at best Gramps' financial expenditures were gift/courting based- not light and heat billing based.

 

[Zaynab]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

I agree that men should take care of women but they are not married. If they were married, then heck yeah.